I clutched the end of my saree as I controlled the tears from falling off my eyes, my own husband is re-marrying and no one could as for something more painful than that.

I felt a huge wave of Deja Vu wash over me when Tapas didn't spare me a second glace, well I always wonder why I am always so despised, I looked over to the side at Saudamini, who smiled at me with a wave, I nodded my head, I didn't have the strength to smile.

A tear slipped out of my eyes as the wedding ceremony came to an end painfully, but I have seen worse, my eyes stood on the line of vermillion on the new bride, I knew she will be just used for an heir and will be discarded, poor Neelima, she deserves more than being a second wife.

My husband found another partner and so did the man I love.

Curse my fate.

I felt a feminine hand clutch mine, I looked down at Saudamini who had a look of sadness on her face, her hand came up and wiped my tears. 

''I know how it feels darling, but you need to hold yourself together, for Tapas and also for Anirudh'' she whispers soothing my hair, my eyes went glossy at her words, I wrapped my arms around her body and buried my face on the curve of her neck, letting my tears drip down her skin.

I felt her hand rub my back as I looked at Tapas who was just staring at me, when my eyes locked with his, he turned his head away, I felt myself go weaker.

I remembered the day my family made me marry the son of the richest merchant of Amritapuri, Tapas.

Y E A R S   A G O

I am just 13, how can the people here be so cruel? To a daughter of a widow? My mother was ripped away from the pleasures of humanity and now everyone lost their humanity.

I looked into the eyes of my new husband who was nearly 15 years elder than me, child marriage is a curse. I just knew it.

I shut my eyes closed as the vermillion fell on the bridge of my nose, I looked up to the smiling face of Tapas, his sharp and beautiful features, his masculinity, but it didn't perk my interest, someone else did.

The high cast boy, the son of our Zamindar, Anirudh Roy Choudhary, had my interest, the way he selflessly helped me, even send me to school, I would never forget that.

But he was gone, he came in like a wave of the wind and gone just like that, leaving no trace but the residue of his touch and a tuft full of memories. 

''Please not now'' I pleaded at my new husband as I sat on the bridge of his bed, he smiled tenderly at him, he looked kind, but I was yet to know that.

''I will let you grow, 15, that's when I will claim you'' he smiled at me before he stood up and walked away, the door shutting behind me, my heart thumped inside me, 15.

*** 

I knew I lost, infinite tears slipping down my eyes as the doctor said that I had a miscarriage, what will happen to me now? Will they disown me? Will I have no one?

I knew I am learned, Tapas let me learn, go to school and gave me the freedom which none of the married women here received.

I gulped audibly in fear as I heard the smash of a vase, I looked at Tapas who clutched his hair in rage and melancholy.

''You had just one job! Now, what will happen to you? My mother will be furious! This is the fourth time you failed me! You are fucking infertile, oh my god'' he shouts at me making a tear slip out of my eyes.

''I am so sorry'' I whimper, my teary eyes made everything around me look blurry.

''Why are you sorry? Its not your fault, I-I am sorry for shouting at you, I shouldn't have, forgive me'' he whispers pressing my face into his chest, nothing could save me from the pain that I can never have a child in my life.

I faded away from the reality as his fingers ran down my locks, pressing his lips, on the top of my head, he held my face and wiped my tears away.

''No more tears, it's ok'' 

P R E S E N T 

I shot out of my memories when I felt someone tug the edge of my saree, I looked down at a kid who smiled at me, she had dimples, curly hair and dark skin, it made her look ethereal, she looked like a younger version of me.

''What is your name, child?'' I went down to my knees as I held her little hands, she chuckled, she looked not more than 6.

''Aarushi'' she says wrapping her little hands around my neck, my heartfelt light and a wave of love passed through me just by this little child's touch.

''Such a beautiful name'' I say sincerely tucking a strand of her curly locks behind her ears, her hazel eyes shining with newfound joy.

''Who are your parents, Aarushi?'' I ask.

''They are with god, says everyone'' she says innocently, my heart dropped, that was heart-shattering, suddenly I felt this urge to be her mother, to gain my lost motherhood, what if I couldn't give birth, I could be this little kid's mother.

''I can be your mother'' I whisper suddenly, I never knew from where I found that voice, but a place deep inside me told me so.

''Really? Thank you so much'' she giggled jumping onto my lap, I looked towards Tapas, his eyes boring into my skin, his eyes dropping onto Aarushi, in his eyes, I saw yearning.

***

I walked down the stairs of the house one last time before I go to London, I was taking Aarushi with me, from today I will never leave her hand.

I clutched the bag in my hand tightly as I looked at my feet while scurrying down, I hit someone harshly making my body fall over the person, I clutched his arms as we tumbled downstairs.

I raised my head and looked down at a person I knew I was going to leave, Tapas.

''Where were you going?'' he asks suddenly, his hands unknowingly dropping on my waist as he looked at the bag in my hands.

I shuddered, what will I answer? I have to lie, my teeth sunk down into my lower lip as I looked away from him.

''Tell me'' he says holding my chin and making me look at him, my heart leapt at his gaze, it had anger, but also care.

''Just to the market, I will come back soon'' I lie crossing my fingers, I smile at him making his eyes soften at me.

''Yeah of course'' he whispers as I got up from him, his eyes never left my face.

As I started to walk I felt him grab my wrist, stopping me, my brows furrowed in confusion.

''Why do I feel like the more you walk away from me today, I can feel you drifting away from me, are you really going away from me? Why do I feel like you are going to leave me, like forever'' his voice held a strange pain that hurt me, I was actually going far far away from him.

I wrapped my arms around him suddenly, squeezing the life out of him, his hands held me tenderly, I wiped the tear that slipped down my eyes.

''No I am not'' I lie, forcing a smile on my lips, I turn and walk away from him.

***

I wrap the dark shawl around my face making only my eyes visible as I clutched the hand of little Aarushi, I climb the stairs of the massive ship that waited for us, the British flag waving with might on its mast.

''Where are we going maa?''  every time she says this made my heart leap, I took her up in my arms and sat inside the cabin set for us.

''London, a whole new world, darling'' I whisper as I felt the ship set sail, over the mighty Indian Ocean to Great Britain.

***

And here's to 2022.

This Chapter is Unedited.

https://youtu.be/ejYNrzoNJpM