I groaned in displeasure as I grabbed my law book, throwing it out of the room, its hardness hitting the wall and tumbling down with a thud.

I couldn't decipher the mystery of her shadowy orbs, she is hurt and I failed to unravel that, did she soar in her studies as I asked her to? How and what made her lose her smile? 

''Brother what was tha-'' I threw the glass vase right at the wall next to my brother, Somnath, the colour drained off his face as he stood still, his eyes widening staring at the broken shards of glass.

''Just get the fuck out of here'' I cussed pointing my finger at the door, My jaws clenched, my eyes were shut, I could feel the fury rising up my toes to the strands of my hair.

''It's her again isn't it?'' his words made me shoot out of my own thoughts, back into the painful reality, My brows furrowed as I looked at him quizzically, my head cocking to the side.

''What do you mean by 'her', Somnath?'' I ask tying my hands to my back and taking length steps towards my brother who stood across the room, opposite to me.

''At first, brother, I didn't know who was this strange girl you keep thinking about every day, but now I did'' as his words kept on proceeding, it kept lacing with more disgust.

''Today, she came, and I saw your face brother, I saw the colour drain of your glowing face, I saw horror, I saw pain, I saw disgust and most of all, I saw anger'' he was now standing in front of me, a few inches shorter than me, he was intimidating.

''It's that outcast woman, isn't it? It's her, the girl who is not making you be yourself, who is torturing your mind, who is making your heart be in pain, I know what falling in love can feel like, and I expected more from you brother, not an outcast!'' he seethed.

My finger curled around his neck, but he didn't flinch, how much my finger was tightening, how much my ring dug into the skin of his neck, he stood calm.

''Look what infatuation is making you do, look what she is making you do, Dada'' he shouted at me, the fury brushed off me before I retreated, guilt and fear gripping my mind, did I just try to choke my brother?

''Get out'' I whispered softly, my hands unclenching as I breathed heavily.

''But broth-''

''I said go, leave me alone, I need some time to accept what I have done'' I whisper as he shut the door and walks away.

***

I was here, just to see the wind play with curls of the wind, to see her eyes twinkling under the scorching sun, to hear the sound of her anklets that chimed when she tucked the edge of her saree onto her waist.

She was one of the first outcast women to learn and acquire knowledge, the Local school teacher agreed to teach her under my order and it was breathtaking to see her sit on the edge of her hut, biting the edge of her pencil as she squinted her amber eyes, reading her book with keen interest, It was heart-breaking to know that she never knew I was the reason for her happiness. My insides flushed with warmth knowing that she was still interested in education.

Bondita Das, was that girl who managed to take away every single breath I take, the girl I gave my heart to, The girl I admire, The girl I know will never be mine.

''Who is there?'' I heard her delicate voice ask, Oh shit, I guess I stepped on that stupid twig, what a timing Anirudh, I should have been more careful.

The only thing I can do is run away because I can't be getting caught, As I ran a few paces, And that's when a hand grabbed mine and pinned me to the tree, I looked down to see those amber eyes burning through mine, her perfect brows scrunched together in anger and confusion.

Seeing me, her eyes widened in awe and surprise, she left my hand, walking a few paces away from me, scared as if she touched the burning fire.

''Zamindar Anirudh Roy Choudhary?'' her voice quivered with a strange tint of fear, I never knew the reason for her melancholy and her fear.

''Why do you always run away from me? And you have grown strong within a few hours? Am impressed'' I ask, confused at my own change of tone, my voice was laced with extreme sadness, I wanted her to answer, her silence is poison for me.

''Because I can't! I know you come from a place that believes in different thoughts, but I can't, I am married to someone and I will always stay faithful, always! And because of me, my husband and his family are in shame, they are ashamed of me already, please don't ruin my life more, you asked me to learn, I tried to and I still am, but just leave me alone'' her words stunned me beyond anything.

''What do you mean they are ashamed of you? How can someone be ashamed of someone as pure as you?'' I ask, my voice shaking with extreme emotion, I looked into her glossy eyes before she looked away, her lips quivering.

''Cut the flatter, Zamindar, I am not interested in them'' she whispers half-heartedly.

''I am not flattering you, I ask for the truth, answer me Bondita'' I say, but she refused to answer.

My hands came forward and gripped her shoulder blades and pulled her closer, her ankle twisting before her hands came down onto my biceps, she fell on the floor like the way her locks fell on her face as she touched the ground.

A painful whimper left her lips as she gripped her ankles, I sat on my toes and crossed my fingers, leaning forward.

''Deja Vu, isn't it, darling'' I whisper moving her smooth hairs from her face, her eyes started filling with tears, her teeth gritted with anger aimed towards me.

''Now be quick beautiful, what is hiding from me, I can see lies in the depth of your eyes'' I whispered coming closer to her face, I pushed the strands of her hair backwards, her face was flushed red as tears ran down her eyes. My eyes zeroed to her lips before mine twisted up.

''Why do you want to know? Why do you care?'' she whispers under her breath.

''Because I-'' I was at a loss of words, I didn't know what to say, why do I care? ''Because I care about you, deeply'' I smile at her, her lips parted in astonishment as she looked at me deeply.

''So hear, Zamindar, hear my truth'' she inhaled deeply. My heart started beating with a strange fear.

''Two years after you went away when I was 15 years old, I became pregnant with Tapas' child'' she started, her voice shaking with locked up emotions, I felt the blood drain out of my body I heard her words.. This can't be.

''They were happy, everyone was happy for him, for us, except me, they never saw a little girl's struggle, but he knew, he saw my pain, but he was helpless, I was young, small for enduring such a huge responsibility. And I failed, I failed again, I had a miscarriage, Zamindar, I lost my very first child, and you expect me to walk around in glee when the whole village and my family taunts me, curses me? They even asked him to marry again, but bless his good soul when he refused to take another woman, he stayed loyal to me despite my inability to provide him with an heir, and shouldn't I stay loyal to him too?'' her words left me shocked would be an understatement. I was petrified, frozen beyond despair.

''Tell me this is all a lie, T-Tell m-me you are lying'' I stutter getting up, pointing my finger at her as I walked backwards, she shook her head as infinite tears streamed down her embers, her shoulders shook due to the intensity of her cries, I never knew when tears filled my hazels as I fell on my knees, what have I done?

''I am sorry, I am so sorry'' I whisper sincerely as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders as she buried into my shoulders as her delicate fingers gripped the material of my white kurta.

''Why should you be sorry Zamindar? Please don't be, I should be sorry because an outcast like me crossed your path that day, years back, otherwise, I would have never met you, and none of this has happened, your family won't be mad at you, and you wouldn't care about someone as lowly as me'' she whispers as her eyes found my messed locks that fell over my dark hazels, my sharp nose and stopped at my wet and parted lips.

Her fingers gripped my cloth harder as softly pulled me down, her lips inches away from mine, I could feel her eyes closing, I knew what she wanted as her lips nearly touched mine.

I removed my hand from her and moved away from her lips, I could feel her disappointment, my heart craves to kiss those beautiful lips of her, feel her, cherish her like nothing, but after what she said, no I can't, Tapas is a good husband, he doesn't deserve this deceit. 

''It was amazing meeting you girl, I am happy that I gave you the fire to study and soar, I tried to unclip those wings of yours, but you won't let me, forgive me for disappointing you, I will never never forget you little one'' I whisper with a smile that held a thousand pain before pressing my lips onto the skin of her forehead, letting my lips be there for a few minutes before I pulled away.

I got up and dusted my dress before glancing at her, I softly wiped my tears using the back of my hand before walking away, mouthing four words.

''I will miss you''

***

I am crying.

https://youtu.be/mNxd1GEDYiQ

XOXO