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CHAPTER X: TEMPORARY

KADEN

Everything went well after I talked to Raya. In the end, she only needed my financial support habang nagpapagaling ang bata dahil hindi kaya ng kinikita niya lang sa pagiging painter ang medical bills ng bata. And I agreed to support them. Then she went back to Dumaguete.

A few months had passed after that, and I was overwhelmed with the news of Ayla's pregnancy.

Pero hindi na rin mawala sa isip ko na may isa pang bata na nangangailangan din ng atensyon ko...

I've really become so greedy, even though I know that I just can't have it all at once. At kailangan ko pa ring mamili...

I also experienced growing up without a father, but I unknowingly let another child and my own child grow up without a father by his side.

But I didn't know about him. Raya didn't tell me that she was pregnant when she left. At ngayon lang siya lumapit sa akin dahil hindi na rin niya kakayanin simula nang nagkasakit ang bata.

Kaya naman ramdam ko rin talaga ang guilt ko nang makita ko ang bata sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon. He looked so weak and fragile. Dahil siguro may sakit siya. At wala ako sa tabi niya while he suffered from his illness.

"Ano ang sakit niya, Raya?" I had asked Raya.

They came from Dumaguete, and Raya told me that they were advised by the doctor to move here to Manila so the child could recover from his illness. Nang malaman ko sa secretary ko, pinayagan ko sila. At hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili ko na puntahan din ngayon sa ospital ang anak ko at para makita ko rin siya.

"Komplikasyon sa dugo, Kaden. He already had that when I gave birth to him. Kaya pabalik-balik na rin kami sa ospital habang lumalaki siya. Pero sinabihan na rin ako ng doctor na maaring mauwi na nga sa cancer ito ngayon." Raya looked so worried as she was about to cry while telling me about it.

And I just comforted her while we were at the hospital, waiting while the doctors did some tests for the sick child. My child.

At pagkatapos ay nagkaroon din ng pagkakataon nang wala na ang mga doktor na naipakilala ako ni Raya sa bata. "Kaiden, anak, this is your dad..." Raya introduced.

Habang unti-unti naman akong lumapit sa hospital bed niya. Then I saw his small lips trembling as he looked at me. "P-Papa..." he called me that.

At parang may nag-init din sa kalooban ko. I also felt emotional. Raya was already crying beside us, dahil sa tagpo naming mag-ama.

I gently embraced my son. And I told him that everything will be all right. I will do everything I can and ask the good doctors to treat him very well so he could get better soon.

At simula noon ay halos palagi ko na rin binibisita ang anak ko sa ospital. Hindi na rin kaya ng konsensya ko. Hindi ko siya kayang pabayaan lalo na ngayon. Especially with his weak state that I saw in the hospital. I felt so bad about myself being a father. Kaya gusto ko lang din sana na bumawi sa anak ko.

Kaya lang ay nahuli na rin ako agad ni Ayla.

She was obviously hurt after she found out the truth. At masakit din para sa akin ang makita ko siyang masaktan. I'm just glad that she still let me explain to her. And then after that, we tried to talk it out and decided to live with it. To live with our situation now.

AYLA

"I have my checkup later with the OB," I told him.

He turned to me and gave me a reassuring smile. "I know. And I'll be with you."

Hindi naman ako ngumiti pabalik sa kaniya.

Hindi pa siya nakakabalik sa ospital simula noong araw na iyon nang malaman ko ang katotohanan sa nilihim niya sa akin. And he's always stayed by my side after that.

But what we agreed on after we talked that day was only temporary...

Dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sa nalaman ko. May anak na ang asawa ko sa ibang babae. At masakit pa na mas matanda pa ito sa mismo naming anak. But I will give everything to my child. Sisiguraduhin ko pa rin na pareho kami ni Kaden na hindi magkukulang sa anak naming dalawa. And we should give our child everything.

Kaya lang naman ako pumayag na makipag-usap kay Kaden pagkatapos ng nalaman ko ay dahil iniisip ko na rin ang anak ko. Kaya nagawa kong isinantabi na rin muna ang nararamdaman ko. Dahil mas mahalaga para sa akin ang anak namin at ang kinabukasan niya.

Galit man ako ngayon kay Kaden dahil sa pagsisinungaling at paglilihim niya sa akin, but he's still the father of my child. At ayaw ko na lumaki ang anak ko na walang kikilalaning ama, or that he'd grow up in a broken family, dahil lang pinanaig ko ang galit at nararamdaman ko ngayon.

And I can't imagine that he'd be with Raya and her child once I leave him...

Yes, I can also be selfish, especially now for my child.

"Ayla, hija," Mommy called me, kaya naman nabalik sa kaniya ang atensyon ko galing sa malalim na pag-iisip.

"Yeah, Mom? I'm sorry I was spacing out a bit. What is it?"

"Hindi mo ba talaga papayagan si Kaden na puntahan naman ngayon ang anak niya? It's been days, hija. At nasa hospital pa rin ang bata. I heard that he's very sick."

Umiling ako kay Mommy. "Kaden gets news from the hospital through his secretary, whom I assigned there for the time being."

Kaden has two secretaries, anyway. Isang babae at isang lalaking sekretarya. At iyong lalaking secretary niya na nakaalam, at siya pa nga ang nagpapadala ng allowance ng mag-ina dati, ang pinaasikaso ko roon sa ospital.

Nalaman na rin agad nina Mommy at Daddy, dahil sinabi na rin ni Kaden ang tungkol sa anak ni Raya kay Don Antonio...

"But, hija, I understand how you might be feeling right now. We are all in shock from this news. At alam kong lalo ka na... Pero, Kaden already explained his side, right? He also didn't know about the child dahil tinago sa kaniya ng Nanay ng bata..."

I looked at my mom. When I asked them, they said that it would be impossible if Kaden didn't have a relationship before he married me. Ang importante raw ay hindi naman ako niloko ni Kaden habang kasal kami dahil hiniwalayan na rin niya si Raya noong bago kami nagpakasal. And they haven't met each other ever since she left too. Ngayon lang nila kailangang magkita muli dahil may sakit ang bata at kailangan nila ang tulong at suporta ni Kaden para sa mga hospital bills.

"They only need my husband's support, Mommy. And we will provide them with the money. Hindi na kailangan pa na pumunta doon sa hospital si Kaden."

Mommy sighed a bit. "Pero baka kailangan din siyang makita ng anak niya, hija... May sakit ang bata, at hindi natin alam ang pwedeng mangyari..." she said.

My mom had always been so understanding. Iniintindi na lang din ni Daddy ngayon si Kaden at ang sitwasyon namin. He also apologized to my parents and explained the situation with his child.

"Alam ko na hinihintay lang ni Kaden na payagan mo rin siya na makita ang anak niya," Mommy said.

And she's right. Because I just temporarily gave Kaden a chance. At kapag hindi siya sumunod sa sasabihin ko, pinangako ko sa kaniya na hihiwalayan ko siya and I'll go back to America with our child.

Am I being so selfish now? At pinagdadamot ko sa isang may sakit na bata ang tatay niya? But I'm only deeply hurt too. Hindi ko pa tuluyang matanggap ang nangyayari.

Umiling pa rin ako kay Mommy, and she only sighed.

Until one day, it was already Don Antonio who asked Kaden to take him to see the child in the hospital. At wala na akong nagawa. But I still hated it.

At nalaman ko pa na sumunod na gustong ibigay ni Don Antonio ang pangalan nila sa anak ni Raya. I feel like I could die of anger, frustration, and my envious mind was eating me whole.

"Ayla, please. I know it's just hard for you to accept now. But all this is just temporary. And we'll get used to it too..."

"Get used to what, Kaden? Gusto mo na masanay na lang ako sa presensya ni Raya at ng bastardo niyang anak sa buhay natin?"

Kaden's eyes turned serious when he looked at me. "Ayla, please stop. Paulit-ulit na lang natin 'tong pinag-uusapan at sinusubukang ayusin.

I already told you what happened. And I'm only doing this for my son..."

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang tanggapin. Hindi ko pa rin talaga matanggap ang anak ng asawa ko sa ibang babae. It's almost already hard to stomach. It's so hard to accept.

"Ayla," I felt Kaden hugging me from behind. "I love you. I love you and our baby." Hinawakan niya ang tiyan ko. "I promise I will also be a good dad to our child. Pero hayaan mo rin sana ako na maging ama din sa anak ko..."

Mariin akong napapikit at pinigilan ko lang ang luha ko na tumulo na naman.

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