(This will be a quicko angst one shot so sTRAP IN)

TW: Mentions of suicide, substance abuse, and reg abuse

sorry our dead gay boyo has a lil bit of issues

Connor Murphy had committed suicide. He had gone off the edge. Poofed himself away. As Jared sat staring his family friend, Evan Hansen in the eyes, the other male nodded on confirmation.

Jared couldn't breathe. He felt as if the world had stopped turning. Everything was still. His heart skipped a beat. He heard a sound, much like a strangled goose honking. It took Jared a moment to realize that he'd made the sound, and that the sound had been a sob/gasp for air.

They'd been at Evan's, just fucking around and being goofs, when suddenly Evan's mom burst in to say a quick goodbye and said she had to leave suddenly and that she loved Evan, etcetera. Then, Jared got a certain call from Cynthia Murphy.

Jared felt arms around him and it took him a moment before he realized Evan was hugging him. He stubbornly pushed the other male away. "What the hell,Evan? I'm not some soft fuck. I was clearly choking on my ramen." He said, although he had finished his ramen long ago and the word 'choking' brought an entirely different scene to mind.

Jared still was fighting for air, though, and Evan knew this. "It's okay to feel things, you know." Evan said softly, moving forward to rest a hand on Jared's leg.

Connor had said the exact same thing to him two months and three weeks ago. Jared had looked over at Connor with a small smile. "That's what I'm afraid of." He said softly. Connor had laughed and shook his head. "What am I going to do with you?"

Jared was brought back to reality by Evan patting his shoulder and getting up to turn the video games they'd previously been playing off. "You don't have to pretend not to care that he's dead." He said softly,looking over at Jared.

Jared glared at Evan before collapsing against the pillows and covering his face with his hands as tears silently streaked his face. "Feelings hurt, Evan." He said quietly.

Evan was suddenly at his side-- Jared felt rather than saw him ease onto the mattress next to him, sighing. "I know, Jared. But we're stuck with them. Some are more pleasant than others. And some are mixed. Like falling in love with someone whilst being jealous of the person they're in love with but still wanting them to be happy and trying to be happy for them at the same time."

Jared risked a peek up at Evan, who was smiling somewhat sadly at him. He narrowed his eyes. "You can't be jealous of a dead person." Jared said accusingly.

Evan put his hands up in surrender. "Ah, well.. you two were closer than you and I were, and it didn't really make much sense because of our.. ya know.."

Jared wheeled on him angrily. "Our history? God, do you know how pathetic that sounds, Evan? We're only friends because our moms are friends. The only reason we hang out is to be out of their hair as they hang out. If they hadn't have met, there is absolutely no way that we would have met or talked otherwise." He spat.

Evan flinched back, scooting away and recoiling to the other side of the bed. He glanced over at Jared, rubbing his upper arm as if it was bothering him, although his forearm was the part that was actually broken. He risked a glance at Jared, who had turned half away and was leaned over with his head in his hands, his glasses pushed up as his body shook with uneven and rocky breaths.

Still shaking, Jared tried to even his breathing as he angrily blinked back tears, unaware that Evan was now doing the same, although some had made their way down the other's face. "Listen," Jared spoke quietly, his voice strained as he looked down at the floor between his legs that his elbows were propped up on.

"I k-know that you've been jealous of Connor or whatever because we were so close, but it's a dick move to try and do.. whatever you're doing so soon. Not while I'm like this, at least.." Jared pressed his hands against his face more, shaking his head. He hated being like this in front of Evan. He hated being so vulnerable because if he was too vulnerable, Evan would be there to comfort him and he would be fooled into thinking they were actually friends instead of family friends.

Great. Jared was still doing it. Denying his feelings for Evan. He'd been doing it all along. The thing was, Jared was a dick to keep the hard, outer shell he'd been working on since middle school to stay firm and standing so that people would never actually make the assumption that he had a conscience, much less a heart.

God, why was he such a fucking disaster? First he was a dick to Evan,-- a kid that he'd grown up with and even changed in front of and relied on him occasionally because he just was looking for a friend in the world, then he got a job at some soap store and basically ate them out of their bath bomb supply, resulting in getting fired, and now he was mourning the death of Connor, a kid that had already been so over the edge by the time Jared and Evan met him he simply couldn't be helped.

Evan was right to get upset at Jared. Hell, even Jared was upset at Jared. Jared was an asshole. He may claim to be insanely cool, but he was an asshole. But Evan didn't need to swoop in like the disaster bisexual he was and try to get with Jared the moment they receive word that his boyfriend committed suicide. This wasn't a fucking lifetime movie.

It destroyed Evan to see Jared like this. He'd never seen Jared like this. Carefully, he moved forward and eventually sat idle by Jared's side. Exhaling, he stared down at the scuffed floor of his bedroom. "I'm sorry, it's just.." He shook his head. "I've never been real great with people. You've known that. You're one of the few human beings on the face of the Earth that I trust myself not to be a complete disaster around." Evan forced a laugh. Jared was silent.

"I wasn't thinking. I thought it might comfort you, and I just pissed you off. I'm an asshole, I know. But Connor's gone, Jared. And he's not coming back." He sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't want you to end up as the same.  I don't want to see you go into some sort of dark state and fall into the habits Connor had. I don't want to have to sit here and watch as you start to have daily fights with your parents and then go out the same way he did. I don't want that to happen." Evan's voice broke and Jared, startled but not surprised, lifted his head from his hands to look carefully at Evan.

Evan had tears streaking his face as he looked down at Jared. "I need you to know that I care, Jared. You can deny my friendship and affections all you want, but I'll never stop being there for you when you need someone to talk to." He said softly.

Jared blinked before looking away, a few tears of his own escaping and falling to the floor. Connor had practically said the exact same thing to him barely two months before, and Jared had actually confided in him. Why couldn't he do the same to Evan? Maybe it was because he was afraid that whatever Evan had for him, he might have it worse. Evan thought he had a crush? Psh, amateur. 

Evan moved to put a hand on Jared's shoulder, causing Jared to flinch away.  It was automatic, and not at all Evan's fault, but the shorter boy instinctively scooted out of Evan's reach, his glasses falling crookedly into place as he looked up at Evan with tears in his eyes. Confused, Evan reached out again and Jared, again, flinched, cowering and shielding his face with his hands.

"Not the face, Connor.. Please not the face." Jared whimpered before his eyes opened and widened as he realized what he'd said. Evan looked at Jared, lowering his hand and frowning a little. "Connor? What does--" His eyes widened and a hand flew to his mouth as he stared at Jared in horror.

"Did he..Did he hit you? While you two were..?" Evan asked quietly, watching the shorter male carefully. Jared whimpered, nodding and peeking carefully out at Evan. "More.. more than once."

Evan gasped and looked at Jared sadly. "How long?" He asked quietly. Jared sighed, slumping against some of the pillows by one of the walls. "A-about two weeks.. He would get angry sometimes and just.. take it out on me because I was the nearest person to him.." Jared felt tears start to form in his eyes and looked away, blinking them away angrily. "But nevermind that. He's gone and it's behind me. All of it."

Evan looked at Jared carefully. "Is it, though? I want to be able to help you, Jared. I care for you." He said, wanting so bad to be able to hold the other in his arms. No one deserved to be treated so badly. Especially not Jared, who blinked up at him sadly. "There's nothing we can do about it. He's gone. Dead. And the Murphys would just be even more depressed if they knew he was abusive. Better to let it be than to create more scars."

Evan's heart swelled painfully and he moved forward carefully. "Is it okay if I sit next to you? I mean, closer than I already am?" He bit his lip nervously. He didn't want to scare the shorter male away. Jared looked at him and nodded, sighing.

"I suppose."

He replied. Evan offered a small smile before scooting closer to Jared. Hesitantly, he took his hands in his own. "I have something to ask you." He said quietly, causing Jared to look up at him while he brushed away tears, confused. "Okay..?"

Evan sighed, unsure of how to say this. He looked at Jared carefully. "I'm in love with you, as you probably know by now. I have been for a while. And it fucking hurts to see you like this, so hurt. I know you feel the same way. I can read you like a book, Jared. I know you have a rough past with Connor, and plenty of scars to prove it, but I think I can offer you a more than happy future, and I can help those scars heal. I know you're sensitive, and it'll probably take some time for you not to flinch every time I do so much as reach for something near you, but I have plenty of patience to go around. And I'll be more than happy to wait until you're ready."

Jared stared at Evan, shocked into silence. He couldn't believe what Evan had said, and was still struggling to speak when the taller male's lips were suddenly gently lowered to press against his. He reacted immediately, kissing back as happy tears escaped and pooled down his face. He pulled away, nodding with a teary smile.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Evan smiled before kissing him again softly and enveloping him into his hold, resting his head against Jared's as he snuggled into his shoulder. 

"Good. I'll help you heal."