It's Friday night.

The night before my mum is coming to visit. Jordan is sitting on my floor. Neither of us have made a sound since coming in here.

He picked me up from work, kissed me, and walked me back. But his mood is low and I'm too scared to probe him. He gruffly takes off his boots, chucking them against the wall.

The thud is the first sound that's been made. It seems oddly symbiotic.

"Sorry." He's embarrassed. "I didn't mean to throw them so hard."

"It's fine." I say, taking my shoes off and neatly placing them under my desk.

It's awkward. The air is thick and horrible. He clearly has something to say but won't.  I'm too tired to force it out of him. I feel drained.

"I'm tired." I say, pulling my pj's from under my pillow.

"Yeah." Jordan says, watching me whip my top off and put my pjs on. "Me too."

Once dressed, I sit back down on my bed and look at him, a little defeated. "I'm too tired to beat around the bush. Just say what you want to say. Get it over with."

He levels his eyes at me. "I don't think you should introduce me to your mum."

"Why?"

"What will you say to her? I'm the guy you're fucking?"

"No." I rub my eyebrow and look away from him. "I don't know. My friend? The guy I'm dating? Why does it matter?"

"Because it matters to you."

"I'm so confused." I huff, falling back into my pillows. I can't look at him whilst we have this talk. "You like me, right?" Jordan says nothing. "If you don't like me I'm going to have to pull out a tiny shovel and start borrowing my way into the ground. Seriously, if not for anything but the sheer embarrassment for how I've been behaving the last two months."

Jordan's voice is deep. "I like you."

"Oh. Good."

"But I'm not boyfriend material. And you? Well, you're special."

I feel my eyebrows raise in worry. "Special, like, I eat my own hair?"

He sighs. "You're smart and beautiful, funny and interesting. I can talk to you all night long. You're the perfect girlfriend. I, however, am a shit boyfriend. I'll be a shit boyfriend."

"But..." I start. I'm so confused. His train of thought makes no sense. "I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend? Besides, that's a stupid label I don't think we need. I'm not interested in anyone else. I like spending time with you. I don't see why we need to label it just because my mum is coming."

"Because if we don't she'll just see me as the guy shagging her daughter. You need her to like me or you won't be able to like me." He takes a deep breath. "And she won't if she thinks I just want an easy lay."

I chew my lip and let the room stay quiet for a moment. "Jordan?"

"Yeah?"

"She already knows about you."

He groans.

I start to panic. "I tell my mum everything. She knew there was a guy, I don't know how she knew but she did. She's my best friend, the person I go to for everything and she isn't going to judge you. She knows I'm an adult now. You don't have to meet her if you really don't want to. But I won't lie to her about who you are."

There's a silence. A stillness. I don't know if he's mad at me. I don't really care. I don't understand his reluctance. He acts like my boyfriend, behaves like my boyfriend. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it probably is a duck, right?

What does meeting my mum have to do with it and why does it make any difference to who we are to each other? He's complicating things that don't need to be complicated.

Jordan stands and then climbs onto my bed. He slides up next to me. I'm under the covers and he's on top of them. This is the most clothed and furthest apart we've been in this room over the last few days.

He doesn't say anything, then he hops back up and I think he's going to leave. Instead, he gets undressed and then clambers under the covers with me. But all of it, the way he can't look at me, the lack of contact, it's stiff and awkward.

He keeps shifting in the bed like he seriously uncomfortable, even though we sleep in this bed most nights. He shifts and then shifts again, then once more until he finally stops.

I don't know what to say. I don't know the right questions to ask. I wish I could understand it better. I wish he could understand my relationship with my mum better, maybe then he wouldn't feel so scared.

After what feels like hours  (I'm pretty sure it's literally minutes), his breath slows and his body relaxes. I match my breathing to his and begin to relax too.

I look at his face in the dim light of my lamp. He's so perfect. Long eyelashes, flawless skin. I don't know if I'll ever get used to how he looks. Or how he smells. Or the heat that seems to radiate from him to me every time we're near.

I'm not sure they're something I'll ever experience again. I know that I'll remember him and the way he makes me feel for the rest of my life. It's like he's marked me. Likes he's in my veins and nothing short of a transfusion can save me.

I love him and I'm tired of trying to ignore it.

I think deep down he loves me too. I don't know what he's so afraid of, he must know I'm completely gone on him. It's not like I'm going to hurt him.

He scoots closer to me in his sleep, like he can't help himself. Gently he wraps his arms around my waist and I can feel his breath against my neck.

I close my eyes, praying for sleep to grab me so my mind can't overthink.

I wake to a knock on my door. There is sunlight filtering through my room from the open curtains.

"Shit." I mutter, grabbing my phone. It's 10.30a.m. That must be my mum.

Shit.

I stand up. Dazed, disoriented, guilt ridden. I said I'd meet her at the station. Just as I'm about to swing the door back, I remember Jordan. When I turn to my bed he's not there.

He's done a runner.

That's how much he doesn't want to meet my mum. I swallow the hollow feeling that creeps up inside me and swing my door back, grinning at the woman on the other side.

"I am so sorry!" I say, pulling her into my arms.

She smells like home. Though she feels thinner, more frail somehow. She carrying two massive bags and I take them from her, leading her into my room.

"I can't believe I left you in a hamster cage." She remarks, watching me set down her stuff. "Honestly, do you reckon this used to be a broom cupboard that they've turned into a bedroom?"

"It's not so bad." I beam at her. "I've missed you."

She gives me another hug. "I've missed you too. My baby, you're so grown up!" Then she pushes me so I'm an arms length away from her. "Let me look at you. You look beautiful. Beautiful. Uni is treating you well!"

"Thank you." I say, smiling from ear-to-ear. She looks beautiful too. She doesn't look her age, no wrinkles, shiny hair. She's perfect. "How's home life? How's life at the Inn?"

She waves a hand. "The same. Everything is the same except life is a lot more boring now you're not a permanent fixture."

"Oh, mum"

"It's okay. We all grow up at some point, don't we? Anyway, hand me that tote bag, I brought you gifts."

"Oh!" I say, picking up the biggest and heaviest bag. "I love it when you miss me!"

She laughs, opening it up. She pulls out all my favourite treats and some decorative bits for my room. Fairy lights, pictures of me and Lauren from babies to last year. A fancy white board and my forgotten journal.

"Thank you." I tell her, already trying to string the lights up.

"Don't worry about that." She says. "You can do that later. I've planned a whole day for us. Lunch, a nice winter stroll, and dinner. If you have plans, some party to go to in the evening, I don't mind. I can spend the day with you and you can have the evening for whatever you want."

"Don't be silly." I tell her. "I've cleared everything for you."

"Will your fancy man be joining us?"

I shake my head not trusting my words.

She gives my arm a reassuring pat. "That's okay, the shy ones are always the best lovers."

"Mum!" I laugh, half-horrified.

"What? My shy boy, his name was Elliot, I sometimes thought he could give me an orgasm with just a look."

I clamp my hands to my ears. "Mother!"

My hands are still over my ears when there's another knock on my door. I look to my mum to see if she heard it, she gives me a shrug. Frowning, I march towards it.

I am stumped. Completely and utterly bewildered when I open it to find Jordan stood there. He just looks at me in all his glory. There's a complete silence. I sort of panic, thinking he must have forgotten that mum is here, but then I look down and see he's got three coffees in his hand.

He brought my mum a coffee and my silence is making it awkward.

"Er - mum?" I say, bursting to life and opening the door wider. "This is Jordan. Jordan, this is my mum."

"Hi." Jordan says, stepping into the room. With the three of us in it, no one can move. He holds out a cup for her. "I wasn't sure if you like coffee so I got you a latte to be safe. They're usually sweeter, less bitter."

"Like coffee?" My mum asks, taking the cup from him. She's beaming and her smile is radiant. "Who do you think taught her everything she knows?"

"Er..." Jordan says. "You?"

"Exactly." My mum winks at him.

He's here. He showed up. I can't quite keep the hysteria off my face. He didn't want to do it, but he did anyway.

He showed up.

For me