I was wrong again. Lol. It's been a year and a half and it did not get easier.

        I still see you in everything. I see you everywhere.

        I thought I was doing better at getting over you – over us – but I was wrong. Saglit ko lang palang nakalimutan. Lol. No, scratch that. The term "nakalimutan" is wrong because let's be honest. I never forgot about you. I just thought I did because I became busy with things.

        But now that I think about it. . . now that I finally have time to myself and sit down to communicate what I feel. . . I'm still coming back to you. I'm still writing about you in this journal (that's slowly becoming a book of letters for you). Lol. It's like you've become a default – my default subject of interest.

        I still don't know if I should be sad or happy about that.

        Oh, right. Malie advised me not to choose and just feel. Apparently, people often feel lots of things at once. Ha. I don't actually know why I didn't think of that. I have many feelings when I'm with you – as cheesy as that sounds.

        Okay. I think I'm starting to get off track. I actually had something in mind I wanted to talk to you about. (Now, I'm starting to feel silly knowing I would have to be bound and gagged before I let you see this. Haha.) Anyway, I, uh. . . it's my birthday today.

        So this morning, I went to the mall. I have been saving up but today, I wanted to buy something nice. I didn't get anything for myself, though.

        I got something for you instead.

        I honestly don't know what came over me. I just saw this navy blue tie hanging so beautifully on a mannequin with a similar physique as yours. When I finally snapped out of it, I was already holding the necktie between my fingers while giving the girl at the cashier a 1000-peso bill.

        I guess I was just reminded of how you told me you don't own a necktie. You said you never understood its purpose. Sabi mo pa nga: "may butones naman na, para sa'n pa 'yong neck tie?"

        To which I laughed.

        Then eventually, you told me you were intimidated by ties because you weren't exactly sure how to tie them around your neck. Because your dad didn't get to teach you. On the same day, you told me about your parents' tragic deaths; how your father shortly followed your mother who died because of an illness. The same day, you told me about how you love your Lola Pasing so much.

        That same day, I began loving you even more.

        But it wasn't because I pitied you. I think my feelings grew because you made me angry. It was how you spoke about your family with that weird twinkle in your eyes. It made me angry at whoever or whatever it is that decided to hurt you in such a brutal way. I wanted to wrestle with whoever or whatever it is that decided to hurt you. (It is hypocritical of me to say that now, though, right? Lol.)

        I think. . . you also inspired me. I witnessed how you handle things; how you communicate your feelings so clearly. I began feeling inspired by that but. . . I began feeling jealous, too.

        Because I realized that you were simply raised with love.

        And I was not.

        Wala nang mas lilinaw pa do'n. I started feeling upset and frustrated after that realization. It didn't feel right to use your trauma response to fix and/or address mine (despite all of that happening in my head).

        Then, I started feeling guilty about that. I wanted to tell you but I didn't want to make it about me. Saka kung sinabi ko sa 'yo, lalo lang akong maiinis sa sarili ko. So I kept it in. I kept everything in.

        I guess I was wrong about many things. Because after that, I began feeling like you don't deserve the very little amount of love left in my body. I know that sounds bad but my simple point is that. . . I think you deserve everything. . . anything you want in the world.

        I became slowly convinced that you deserve so much more than me – Laurine Antoinette Navarro – who is nothing without her looks and her surname.

        I'm sorry if I didn't tell you any of this. Alam ko na kasi kung anong gagawin mo. I know you. And you. . . . you would tell me that I'm beautiful over and over again. You would play me a song. You would list the reasons why you love me. You would say that those reasons are more than enough for you and I would be foolish enough to believe you.

        But see. . . I don't think you're the problem. I never did. Kahit no'ng sinabi kong hindi ka mapapakain ng passion mo. . . I didn't believe that. You know that, right?

        Fuck. I hope you didn't believe any of the things I said. I hope you never think of the things I told you that night before or during your gigs. Oh, God. The last thing I want to do is to hold you back because I'm the problem, okay?

        Unless I acknowledge and address whatever it is that I feel is wrong or lacking in my bones, I would never be capable of returning all the love you have given me. And the fact that I think of love as a business transaction is already a testament to the many issues I need to face alone.

        But don't get me wrong, okay?

        I still regret everything I did and said the last time we saw each other. Now, in this letter, I am simply trying to convince myself that this. . . all of these feelings I'm feeling right now. . . have a reason. In the same way, I am certain that this is my punishment.

        I'm seeing you everywhere I go. I remember us in every single thing I do. I made my bed and now, I'm lying in it.

        This is my personal, tailor-made hell.

        Until then, I won't be seeing heaven or whatever it is that you consider the opposite of hell. Until then, I will be keeping this necktie I unconsciously bought knowing full well I would never have the chance to drape it around your nape before whatever meeting you have now that you're slowly getting recognized.

        Until then, I will be here learning and trying to celebrate my birthday alone.

        This is my life now. I should at least try to live it.

        Even if it doesn't have you in it.