❝People love differently. He loves loudly and you don't but maybe that's okay.❞

— ❁ —

        THE WARM feeling of Lee's hand clasping hers was far from gone. Paminsan-minsan, nangingilabot pa rin si Laurie kahit ilang araw na ang lumipas. May kaakibat ding takot ang kilabot na iyon. A tinge of guilt was present, too.

        It just felt wrong that she felt happy when Lee held her hand.

        "Mal, pa-refill naman ako," sabi ni Laurie, sabay lapag ng thermos sa counter.

        Sighing, Malie placed a plate of carbonara. Napamaang ito nang mapatingin sa thermos. Bago pa ito magsimulang manermon, kinuha ni Laurie iyong plato. She, then, looked for the customer.

        "Enjoy your meal, ma'am," she said with a smile.

        While waiting for her Americano, Laurie's eyes roamed the café. Nagsimula nang magkabit ng decorations sina Charlotte para sa napagkasunduan nilang gig. There were shades of red, green, and yellow all over the place. Plastic candy canes hanged from the ceiling. May poster na ring nakakabit sa bintana.

        Laurie felt guilty for not being around for the last few weeks. After her birthday, she barely attended the café personally. Malie was not entirely alone, though. Lumuwag kasi ang schedule ng part-timer nilang si Cheska dahil malapit na itong mag-holiday break.

        "So, hindi mo talaga isi-spill kung anong nangyari no'ng nag-date kayo ni Lee?" nakapangalumbabang tanong ni Malie.

        "It wasn't a date," Laurie quickly countered. Nang akmang kukunin na niya ang thermos, iniwas iyon ni Malie. "Don't hold my coffee hostage. Ilang araw na 'kong walang tulog."

        Malie dramatically gasped. She even went as far as clutching her imaginary pearl necklace. "So may nangyari ngang something kaya ka puyat lately?"

        Cringing, Laurie sat on one of the stools by the coffee bar. "I don't know what you're thinking but it's not that."

        "E, ano nga?"

        "Honestly, I don't know if I should tell you." She grimaced. Besides feeling ashamed of feeling happy, Laurie was also conflicted. Umiyak kasi si Lee. Kahit ilang beses nitong sinabing masaya lang ito, hindi niya magawang maniwala. "Medyo private kasi."

        "Okay, I'm assuming na sinasabi mong private dahil kay Lee pero what if—" Naghiwa si Malie ng kapirasong strawberry chocolate cake. Inilapit nito ang tinidor sa kanya pagkatapos. "—sa feelings mo tayo mag-focus?"

        Sinamaan ito ng tingin ni Laurie. "Don't play detective," she mumbled, a bit garbled because of the cake. Lumunok siya. "Pero para matahimik ka, nagi-guilty ako na naiinis na ewan. . . but I also felt warm."

        "Ang dami naman no'n."

        "Exactly," she muttered, chuckling. "That's exactly why I don't like dealing with my feelings. Mahirap mag-rationalize sa sobrang dami. It's such a hassle."

        Pinaningkitan siya ng mata ng best friend. "P'wede namang 'wag mong i-rationalize. I-feel mo na lang."

        "I appreciate you passing on what you learned from therapy but do you want me to combust?" Humalakhak si Malie sa sinabi niyang iyon. "Hindi ko kaya, okay?"

        With a smile, Malie nodded. "Sinubukan mo na ba?"

        Natigilan si Laurie sa pag-iipon ng crumbs ng cake. "No."

        "Gusto mong i-try?"

        "Maybe someday when I'm more open-minded," she answered truthfully. "For now, I'll stick with what I know."

        Malie smiled meekly before humming. "What if tulungan na lang kita? Tutal naman, medyo matagal pa 'yong artcon."

        A few weeks ago, an event organizer messaged their Facebook page, inquiring about the possibility of an art convention. Ayon kay Malie, napusuan daw ng organizer ang Cafuné dahil dati iyong gallery. Bukas naman sa events ang café kaya pumayag sila. Isa pa, hindi naman matatamaan ng art convention iyong gig nina Charlotte.

        "I think you're just bored. Bakit 'di na lang natin i-discuss 'yong sa artcon?"

        "Okay na 'yon, e." Napalabi si Malie. "Pupunta lang dito si Miss Himeko para i-check 'yong blueprints. Kaunti lang naman daw 'yong artists kasi gusto lang naman niyang ma-promote 'yong pamangkin niya."

        "Nepo babies," naiiling niyang sabi. "But that also means the event is exclusive, right? Kailangan ba nating mag-prepare ng panibagong menu?"

        "Nope, may catering sila, e." Itinulak nito iyong thermos niyang may Americano na. "Pero kung gusto mo talagang mag-change topic, p'wede naman nating i-discuss 'yong new items."

        Laurie sipped her coffee. "I was just about to say. 'Di gaanong mabenta 'yong desserts, 'no?"

        Malie nodded. "Maraming may bet no'ng tortellini, saka meringue kaso ang time-consuming kasi ng meringue. Ang hirap ding i-perfect."

        "P'wede tayong bumili ng blowtorch para 'di na tayo magtiis sa oven," she suggested. "However, panibagong gastos na naman 'yon. What do you think?"

        "Magtiis na lang muna tayo sa oven," natatawa nitong sabi. "Anyway, back to Lee. Pupunta ka naman sa gig sa Sabado, 'di ba?"

        "You should come." Napalingon sila kay Theo na sumulpot mula sa kung saan. "Oh, sorry. I've been here an hour ago. Hindi niyo lang ata ako napansin kasi kanina pa 'ko pabalikbalik sa CR."

        Laurie's forehead furrowed. "Why? Masakit ba sikmura mo? May ginger tea kami. Baka p'wede na 'yon?"

        "It's nothing like that. Si Lolo kasi, kanina pa tawag nang tawag. Kinukulit akong umuwi for the holidays."

        "Umuwi as in?" kunot-noong tanong ni Malie. "Akala ko ba, may condo ka dito sa Manila?"

        "Yes, but we have an ancestral house in Laguna. They want me over there for the holidays."

        Napapalatak ang best friend niya. "Sana all may ancestral house na p'wedeng uwian."

        Salitan silang tiningnan ni Theo nang sabay silang natawa ni Malie. "Oh, it's not mine, though. It's my Lolo's."

        "Theo, you don't have to explain," pigil dito ni Laurie. "Natawa lang kami kasi parang hindi naman dilemma 'yong may ancestral house kang p'wedeng uwian."

        "It's not about the house, Lau. Liv's getting married," kuwento ni Theo. Ang tinutukoy nitong "Liv" ay ang nakatatanda nitong kapatid na kasabay mag-abroad ni Stefan. "I would love to go home for the holidays but for sure, Lolo's going to nag me."

        Humalukipkip si Malie. "Bakit? Ayaw mong magpakasal?"

        Parang batang nginuya ni Theo ang pang-ibabang labi, nag-iisip. "Well, not right now. Gusto kasi ni Lolo, ngayon na. Gusto raw niya kasing ma-meet mga magiging apo niya. He threatened to cut me out of the will before."

        "Will?" gulat na tanong ni Malie. "Gano'n din pala kayo kayaman?"

        "Yes but again, it's my Lolo's," buntonghiningang sabi ng lalaki. "It's why I've been living humbly. Ginastos ko lahat ng savings ko sa studio."

        Laurie scrunched her nose. While she empathized with Theo, she knew he was partly lying. Hindi naman kasi matatawag na "humble" ang pamumuhay nito. Nakaangkla pa rin ang credit cards nito sa lolo. Besides that, Stefan would often treat Theo to pricey restaurants.

        "Stop your pity party," saway niya sa kababata. "Ang mahal-mahal nga ng gamit mong lens."

        "Because they're investments," Theo defended himself, pouting. "Ikaw rin naman, 'di ba? Bumili ka ng condo gamit savings mo."

        "Yes, but I also sold most of my designer clothes for the café."

        That was also a lie. Hindi lang naman kasi mga gamit niya ang binenta niya. Pati iyong mga napaglumaan ni Stefan sa bahay ng daddy nila, pinagkakitaan niya. Stefan had no clue so as they say, "no harm, no foul".

        "Mm-hmm," Malie chimed. "Nakitira rin sa 'kin si Lauwie for a few months. 'Di mo ba alam 'yon?"

        "Not really."

        Laurie cleared her throat. "Nandito pa 'ko. Don't talk like I'm not here."

        "You do it all the time, though," ungot ni Theo na nagpahagikhik kay Malie.

        "Lumayo-layo ka nga kay Steffie," nakangiwi niyang sabi. "You used to be so meek and gentle."

—

        WHENEVER HE performed onstage, Jegs would shed his gentleness like a molting snake. Lee always admired that. Nagagawa kasing umayon ni Jegs sa genre ng kantang tinutugtog, mapa-ballad man o punk. That has always been the mark of a true performer. With his eyes still glued on Makamundo, Lee sipped his beer.

        "Beer?" Napalingon siya kay Sandro. Dumukwang ito sa counter at saka, sinubukang umupo sa tabi niya. Sandro had a hard time reaching for the high bar stool. "Are you having problems with your ex or is it Charlotte?"

        "Lasing ka na, 'no?" panghuhula ni Lee habang nakatitig sa tatlong boteng nilapag ni Sandro. "Tama na muna, p're. Sir, 'wag mo nang bibigyan 'to, 'ha? Isang espresso shot na lang po siguro." He gestured at the bartender.

        Sandro groaned in frustration. "I'm not lasing pa kaya. I'm having fun pa nga, o." Iwinagayway pa nito ang mga kamay sa saliw ng Makamundo. "Come on, you, too. Dance ka rin."

        Natawa siya nang mahina. Even the bartender chuckled before setting down the espresso shot he requested. "O, drink na. Shot 'to, shot," pang-uuto niya kay Sandro. "Shot mo na, 'wag kang madaya." Muli siyang natawa nang diretso nitong tinungga ang kape.

        "Ugh. Why was that mainit?" umuubo nitong tanong.

        Tinapik ni Lee ang likod nito bilang sagot. "Ikaw yata may problema, e. Nag-away kayo no'ng fling mo, 'no? Na-discover ba niyang may kasabay siya?"

        "What are you talking about? I'm not like that anymore," Sandro mumbled. Ginawa nitong unan ang mga braso, ipinatong sa counter. "She's the only one right now kaya! But yes, we argued kanina because Gino DM-ed me. She thought I was seeing him din but no."

        "Sinong Gino? Gino ba na contact ni Manager kay Lemon?" Pinitik niya ang noo nito nang mapansing pumipikit na ito. "Sandro naman. Dagdag na naman 'yan sa problema ni Manager, e. Alam ba niya?"

        "Nope," Sandro answered, popping the letter "P". "But you're right, you're right. I shouldn't make dagdag to her problems. She has her plates full right now with you, e. Don't look at me like that. You didn't know ba?"

        Lee grimaced. "Ilang weeks na kaming 'di masyado nag-uusap. Sine-send niya lang sa 'kin 'yong schedule tapos ayon na. Bakit? Ano bang 'di ko alam?"

        "I walked in on her crying last week, LOL. When I asked, she said she was gonna be fired daw. I dunno. Sir Ryan mentioned something yata."

        Awtomatikong nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya. "Bakit tatanggalin? Kung dahil sa 'kin, baka p'wede kong kausapin si Sir Ryan—"

        "Calm down nga," pigil sa kanya ng kaibigan. "I think it's okay naman na. You're off the hook na rin kasi Manager saved your ass like always, ha-ha. Honestly, I'm kinda jealous of you because you're like her paborito out of all of us."

        Lee swallowed hard. He could disregard Sandro's words but alcohol is generally considered a truth serum. May kasabihan pa ngang hindi nagsisinungaling ang mga lasing. "Tigilan mo nga. Walang paborito si Manager."

        "Come on, we know that's not true." Muli niyang pinitik ang noo nito. Mahinang napadaing si Sandro. "I mean she does things for me but she's more involved with you kaya."

        Napabuntonghininga siya. "Baka nakakalimutan mong galing sa bulsa niya 'yong utang mong 50K sa ex mo. Naaalala mo pa ba 'yon? Kung 'di dahil sa pakikipag-areglo ni Charlotte, baka pinagpiyestahan ka na sa Twitter."

        "She did that for the agency, not me," busangot nitong sabi.

        "Okay, e, pa'no naman 'yong pag-scout niya sa 'yo no'ng tumugtog ka sa Daluyon? Para sa agency pa rin ba 'yon?" Bumuga siya ng hangin. "Sabi mo pa sa 'kin no'n, 'di ka naniniwala no'ng una kasi wala kang following."

        "It was special until she met you. You got a viral video lang, then you got scouted agad. I wasn't even supposed to be there sa Daluyon. Someone backed out and I happened to be there. Do you get it ba? I'm not even supposed to be here right now."

        Sighing, Lee patted Sandro's back. "Nandito ka, 'yon ang importante saka, ba't ka naiinggit sa 'kin? Kung 'di dahil sa 'yo, wala naman ako do'n sa busking na nag-viral. Kinaladkad mo lang naman ako no'n."

        Instead of a reply, what he heard next were sobs. Saglit na nagtaka si Lee sa kung paanong pareho pala sila ng dinaramdam ni Sandro. Napakatikas kasi nito tuwing magpe-perform. Sandro seemed to be the last person to harbor impostor syndrome.

        Before gesturing at the bartender again, Lee smiled softly. Pinaayos niya ng upo si Sandro. Pinahilig niya ang ulo nito sa balikat niya bago niya inilabas ang phone. Grinning, he snapped a selfie to send to Charlotte.

        Sinundan niya iyon ng simpleng: "manager, dito kami sa bar".

        Charlotte replied with a "like" sign, making Lee sigh exasperatedly. He really wasn't aware of how much his issues affected her. Magaling kasi itong magtago. Ang mali rin na ni minsan ay hindi siya nagtanong.

        Lee made a mental note to talk with Charlotte before sending a message to Laurie.

—

        "PUNTA KA sa Sat, ha? Hintayin kita, usap tayo please?"

        Anxiously, Laurie bit her lip before locking her phone. Bumuga muna siya ng hangin bago isabit sa balikat ang purse. Once inside the café, she made a run toward the coffee bar where Malie and Theo stood.

        Inagaw niya ang babasaging boteng hawak ni Theo. Dire-diretso niyang tinungga iyon hanggang sa mangalahati siya.

        "Lauwie, slow down," pigil sa kanya ni Malie. Pababa nitong hinila ang bote nang akmang tutungga siya ulit.

        "It's just beer, Mal. Hindi ako malalasing."

        Minutes later, Laurie heard Icai's smooth falsetto echoing across Cafuné.

        Wala nang nagawa pa si Laurie nang hilahin siya ni Malie. Theo followed with his DSLR camera. Doon sa likod ng sofa sila pumuwesto. From where they stood, they could see Charlotte talking to a scrawny-looking man. Nakangiti itong kumaway nang mapansin sila.

        "I'll be back for a bit," paalam sa kanila ni Theo bago ito nagsimulang kumuha ng litrato nina Icai.

        Laurie was slightly moving her head to the beat when Malie pulled her close. "Why?"

        "Nando'n si Lee, o." Hindi basta nakuntento si Malie sa paghawak ng magkabila niyang pisngi. Itinuro pa nito sa kanya ang eksaktong kinatatayuan ni Lee.

        Lee seemed to be happy from where he stood. Habang nakikipag-usap sa mga katrabaho mula sa R/C Records, nilalaro nito ang suot na kuwintas. Tuluyang inubos ni Laurie hawak na beer.

        Sinundan ni Malie ang tinitingnan ng mga mata niya. "Go na, lapitan mo na kasi~"

        She just shook her head. "Mamaya na."

        When it was finally Lee's turn onstage, Laurie already had four beers in her.

        "Hi, good evening," Lee greeted everyone. Matapos isabit ang gitara sa balikat, pababa nitong hinigit ang denim jacket. "First of all, gusto kong magpasalamat kasi dinayo niyo pa kami dito. Second, uh—" Gumala ang mga mata nito sa audience. When their eyes met, he exhaled shakily into the mic, relieved and evidently happy. "—hi ulit."

        Napalabi si Laurie. "Hi," she mouthed back.

        Lee's smile widened. From time to time, he glanced at her. Parang kada linya pa nga itong ngumingiti sa direksyon nila.

        Iyon ata ang pumako sa mga paa niya kaya halos hindi siya makagalaw.

        Winakasan ni Lee ang unang kanta nang may malaking ngiti sa labi. Hinintay muna nitong matapos ang drum flourish bago simulan ang kasunod.

       For the second song, Icai sang the female parts. Si Lee naman ang sa male part ng duet. He had to sing in a lower register to hit the notes. Laurie never heard him sing that way. Tuloy, humigpit ang hawak niya sa bote ng beer.

        Kapansinpansin ang ginawang paglunok ni Lee.

        Icai took a step back and let Lee finish the song. Halatang-halata kasi sa lukot nitong noo na hindi lang basta lyrics iyong lyrics. The thought made Laurie sip her beer again.

        "Parang feel na feel ni Kuya, 'no?" Nasamid si Laurie sa narinig. Theo and Malie were quick to respond. Kaagad siyang inabutan ng panyo ni Theo. Si Malie naman, hinimas-himas iyong likod niya hanggang huminto siya sa pag-ubo.

        "We could step outside for a bit," Theo suggested. Katulad ni Malie ay bakas ang pag-aalala sa maamo nitong mukha. "I'm sure Lee would understand."

        The last sentence made her gulp. Wala namang mali sa sinabi ni Theo. Totoo namang maintindihan ni Lee. That's just what he does best: understand her antics.

        "I'm not leaving during his set. Okay lang ako," Laurie said with finality.

        Muli niyang ibinalik ang tingin kay Lee sa stage. Halos nakayapos ito sa mic stand habang kumakanta. He sang, almost whispering. Pagmulat ng mga mata, siya ang kaagad nitong hinanap sa audience.

        His face lit up upon realizing that she was still there.

        "For this last song, I would like to thank my pamilee, joke lang," nakatawang sabi ni Lee. "Pero seryoso, 'di ko in-expect na magkakaro'n 'to ng video so thank you kay Manager, sa R/C, sa mga nag-stream, saka sa 'yo na—" Naghalo ang kantiyawan at sigawan. "—number one fan ko noon. Sana fan pa rin kita ngayong maririnig mo nang live 'tong 'Iyo'."

        The song's familiar slow intro resounded through the café.

        "Fuck," Laurie muttered under her breath. She found herself injecting more and more alcohol into her system.

        Bahagyang lumayo si Lee sa mic. "Kung magtatapos lang din tulad ng dati, siguro nga'y walang saysay ang ating bawat away."

        Gone were the laughing and comments earlier. The whole café had fallen under Lee's spell. Laurie did, too, of course. Halos hindi nga siya makatingin nang diretso kay Lee. Hindi niya kasi mawari kung nanunumbat ito o sadyang binibigyan lang nito ng emosyon ang kanta.

        Huminto ito sa pagkalabit ng gitara. Pati ang backup instruments, tumigil din sa pagtugtog. He, then, gripped the microphone and stared intently at Laurie. "Kung magtatapos lang din tulad ng dati, siguro nga'y walang saysay ang ating bawat away."

        Once again, he just smiled back warmly. Laurie felt like melting on the spot. Parang umabot sa kanya iyong init ng ngiting iyon kahit ilang dipa pa ang layo niya sa entablado.

        Nangingiting nagkibitbalikat si Lee na parang sinasabing wala na siyang magagawa. "Ika'y babalik, hahalik patungo pa rin sa akin." Bumuntonghininga pa ito. "Patungo pa rin sa akin," he repeated.

        The second one sounded so much more serious and profound than the last. His voice was also breathy.

        Sa sobrang pagkaseryoso ng mukha ni Lee, parang hindi na lang ito basta kumakanta. Pakiramdam niya, ipinapahayag na nito ang pangako sa kanya at panata para sa kanila.

        Dirediretsong tumungga si Laurie. When she heard Malie's protests, she decided to go outside. Binaybay niya ang kumpol ng mga taong nakaharang palabas ng café.

        The second she was outside, Laurie let go. Pinabayaan niya ang pagbagsak ng mga luhang kanina pa sinusubukang kontrolin. Doon siya sa likod ng kotse ni Theo nagtago. Before sitting on the concrete pavement, she set the bottle of beer down.

        "Ugh, fuck this," she mumbled as she hugged her knees.

        For minutes, Laurie just sobbed uncontrollably. Hindi niya pinansin ang mga sasakyang dumaraan. She refused to pay attention to the blinking Christmas lights adorning the café and the branches of the surrounding trees.

        Crying felt pathetic but it also felt liberating.

        Kahit papa'no, lumuwag iyong higpit ng kapit ng pagsisisi sa loob ng tiyan niya. It didn't disappear completely but at least, it subsided. Mas nakahinga siya nang maluwang matapos umiyak nang ilang minuto.

        Nag-unat siya ng mga binti. Napamaang siya nang makitang nakatayo si Theo sa gilid ng kotse. She was about to get mad at him for sneaking until she remembered that it was his car.

        "This is probably a dumb question—" Theo began. "—but are you okay?"

        "No, I'm not." There was no point in lying. "Why are you here?"

        Tumuro si Theo sa pinto ng sasakyan. "Kukuha lang sana ng spare battery ng camera. Do you want me to go?"

        "Suit yourself." Laurie's lips partly opened when Theo decided to sit beside her.

        "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

        "Battle of the Bands," sagot niya. "That was the last straw for me to say 'yes'. 'Di ko rin alam kung paano, actually. I watched him perform Sponge Cola's 'Makapiling Ka' and that was it."

        Theo looked at her questioningly.

        Laurie chuckled. Gano'ng gano'n din kasi ang reaksyon ni Lee noon.

        Back when Lee first performed that song, there was something in the way his eyes glossed over Laurie. Masyado iyong makapangyarihan kaya wala nang nagawa ang logic ng utak niya kun'di magpaubaya sa kung anumang tumitibok sa dibdib niya.

        Hinintay niyang matapos ang set ni Lee noon. She wasn't able to completely wait for him, though. Bago pa kasi tuluyang makababa si Lee, hinigit niya ang laylayan ng suot nitong polo.

        Iisang baitang na lang naman ang hihintayin niya pero hindi siya nakatiis.

        Laurie tiptoed and pulled him for a kiss. Namilog ang mga mata ni Lee sa gulat. He finally caught on when she smiled, nodded, and whispered against his forehead: "Yes."

        "He's the reason why you wouldn't date anybody, right?" kunot-noong tanong ni Theo.

        "Yes," she answered honestly. "And then, 'Spain' happened." Ginamit pa niya ang mga daliri upang lumikha ng quotation marks sa hangin. "I don't know if he told you but I broke up with him before my flight."

        "Didn't you tell him that you wanted to look for your mom? If you only told him, I'm sure he would understand."

        Laurie smiled bitterly. "I know but it's not just that." Itinaas niya iyong bote. Napaismid siya nang makitang kaunti na lang ang laman niyon. "Bago pa kasi 'yon, iniisip ko nang makipag-break."

        "Why?"

        She exasperatedly sighed.

        "I think he loves me more than I love him. Mas marami siyang ginagawa, e. Mas ma-effort. Gumawa pa nga 'yon ng comic book ng love story namin." Sumimsim siya ng beer. "So maybe when I learned about my mom in Spain, I saw that as a free out?

        Mas madali kasing paniwalain sarili ko na kailangan kong unahin si Mom kaya ako makikipag-break kaysa 'yong 'di ko kayang sabayan si Lee, but I don't know. I felt incapable of loving him the way he wanted to be loved." She laughed bitterly. "God, please don't take me seriously. It's been years. Plus, I'm a bit tipsy."

        Natatawa niyang itinaas iyong babasaging bote.

        Bumuntonghininga si Theo. "You know you could've talked to him." He snatched the bottle of beer from her hand. "People love differently, Laurie. He loves loudly and you don't but maybe that's okay."

        She felt her throat close up. Ilang beses siyang lumunok at tumikhim.

        "Well, wala nang point kung pag-uusapan pa ngayon. I got what I deserved anyway." She stretched her legs, exposing them to the cold December wind. "I got scammed by a travel agency. Ni hindi nga ako nakatapak sa Madrid," nakatungo niyang kuwento. "I came back crawling to my dad, so yeah, I got what I deserved. It's fine."

        Hindi na nagsalita pa si Theo. She was grateful for that. Hindi na kasi niya kailangan ng isa pang taong magsasabi kung gaano kamali iyong mga naging desisyon niya. Malie already did that the first time they met.

        "Really, it's fine. I'm fine," pilit niyang pagkumbinsi kay Theo at sa sarili.

        Inagaw ni Laurie ang beer. She was about to take a sip when she heard someone sniffle and sob loudly.

       "Akala mo ba, 'di ko maiintindihan?"

        Laurie didn't bother turning around. Alam naman na niya kung sino iyon. The odd thing, though, was how frightened she felt. At hindi dapat siya matakot. Wala rin siyang karapatang malungkot o masaktan. Siya naman ang nang-iwan kay Lee.

        Laurie made her bed and now, she should bask in the guilt she laced it with.

        She felt Theo stir beside her. "Lau," tawag nito sa kanya. Inilahad nito ang kamay. "I think your time is up."

        Ramdam na niya ang intensidad ng tinging ipinupukol ni Lee, hindi pa man niya ito nililingon.

        "You should go," she told Theo. "Baka mas kailangan ni Malie tulong mo. She's messy when she's drunk."

        Theo just nodded in understanding and walked back to the café.

        Laurie drank every last drop from her fifth bottle of beer. Ibinaba niyang muli ang babasaging bote. After that, she finally faced Lee. Sinubukan niyang labanan ang paghikbi pero sa pagkakataong iyon, nabigo na siya.

        Nakita kasi niya ang mukha ni Lee. All the excitement and warmth during his performance were gone.

        Within seconds of the uncomfortable but bearable silence they solemnly shared, his shirt was drenched with tears. "Akala mo ba, 'di kita maiintindihan?" Lee repeated his question in between sobs and heavy breathing. "Lau naman. Ako 'to, o. Ano? In-assume mong bang pipigilan kita?"

        The wind blew harshly, piercing her blazer. Isinilid niya ang nakakuyom na mga kamay sa magkabilang bulsa niyon. Mariin siyang napapikit nang magsunod-sunod ang mga sasakyan.

        The passing lights flashed, gracing the grim expression on their faces.

        Everything was pretty much the same as the night she broke his heart. The streetlights, the passing vehicles, their frustrated faces, and the excruciating yet delicate burning in Laurie's heart. Ganoon na naman lahat.

        Ang nagbago lang siguro ay iyong mga edad nila at iyong kaunting taong pinalipas nila nang magkahiwalay pero gano'n pa rin. Ganoon na naman ulit: nasasaktan na naman niya si Lee.

        "I'm sorry." Mapait na ngumiti si Laurie matapos pakawalan ang dadalawang salitang iyon. "I can't believe I did it again. I hurt you again. I tried so hard not to this time."

        Tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagdausdos ng mga luha sa pisngi ni Lee. "Laurie naman, e. Sana. . . sana nagsabi ka na lang. 'Di naman kita pipigilan. Alam ko namang nami-miss mo 'yo—"

        "It's not just that, Lee, okay?" She hastily wiped the tears falling on her right cheek. "It was necessary – us breaking up. I mean, look, sikat ka na, o. Nag-perform ka pa nga sa café ko, 'di ba? It all worked out for the best."

        "Ha? Anong 'it all worked out for the best'?" He chuckled wryly. "Shit naman, Lau." Frustrated, he ran his fingers through his hair. "Pa'no 'to naging 'best'? Masaya ka ba?"

        Natukso siyang umiling.

        Humakbang ng isa si Lee papunta sa kanya. "Kasi ako, hindi," halos pabulong nitong pag-amin. Nagtaas-baba ang lalamunan nito. He repeated that a few times more as if swallowing and accepting the hurt she brought along with her. "Laurie, please."

        "Please what?"

        He, then, inhaled sharply. "P'wede bang tayo na lang ulit?"

        Once again, Laurie felt like letting go.

—

        LEE FELT his insides burn. The burning sensation was definitely unrelated to the amount of alcohol he consumed through the night. Kanina pa nawala 'yong tama niya, e. Kanina pa siya nahimasmasan noong narinig niyang nag-uusap sina Laurie at Theo.

        "Lau," he called her. "P'wede bang subukan na lang natin ulit?"

        The horror on her face was indescribable. Nalukot ang noo niya dahil doon. He didn't understand why she looked terrified until it hit him.

        Laurie was afraid of hurting him again.

        His tears began falling again at the thought. Sinubukan niya umapuhap ng mga salitang makapagpapagaan ng sitwasyon pero wala. Lumunok lang siya nang paulit-ulit. He wanted to tell her that he was willing to take on the hurt just to be with her again but he didn't.

        And thank the heavens that he didn't.

        The last thing he wanted was to cause her misery.

        Kilala niya kasi si Laurie. Matigas ang ulo nito. Napakatayog din ng pride nito. Kahit anong pagpapaliwanag na handa siyang masaktan at magpakasakit ulit, alam niyang hindi ito papayag.

        She always put him first even before. And from what he heard, she broke up with him because she wanted to protect him from the future pain she might cause.

        Ang kaso nga lang, nag-backfire ang desisyong iyon ni Laurie.

        Because sure, the breakup did hurt like hell but the aftermath was so much worse. If given the chance, Lee would have fought against it with everything he had.

        Muli siyang lumapit, nagbakasakali. "Lau." Akmang hahawakan niya ang braso nito nang umatras ito.

        The mistakes she committed weren't enough to make him hate her. It was just quietly heartbreaking and Lee could survive a heartbreak.

        Nagawa nga niya noon, e.

        Nagpakawala ng isang malalim na buntonghininga si Laurie. Humihikbi nitong pinunasan ang mga pisngi. "I'm sorry, okay?" Itinaas nito ang kanang kamay pagkatapos, parang binalak na humawak sa manggas ng jacket niya. Eventually, she decided against it. "Sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you again."

        Wala na namang nagawa si Lee kun'di panoorin ang untiunti nitong pag-atras, pagtalikod, at paglakad palayo.

        The same thing happened years ago. When she said she wanted to end things, she apologized non-stop but left anyway. Lee had no choice but to let her go that day. Nang mahimasmasan kasi siya, nakalayo na si Laurie.

        Tulad ngayon.

        Naiwan na naman siyang iniinda iyong nakatutusok na lamig ng suot na kuwintas habang nakatingin kay Laurie. Kay Laurie na dahan-dahang nilamon ng dami ng tao sa loob ng café.

        After three minutes or so, Lee sent a message to Charlotte. Maayos siyang nagpaalam. Kinapa niya ang bulsa pagkatapos. Nang mapagtantong wala roon ang wallet at hindi siya makatatawag ng taxi, hinanap niya ang bisikleta.

        He wore his helmet and started pedaling off to wherever.

        He didn't care anymore. Ang tanging hiling niya ng mga oras na iyon ay ang makalayo sa Cafuné; at ang maramdaman ang paghalik ng malamig na hangin ng Disyembre sa mga pisngi niyang patuloy na binabasa ng lungkot.

        His phone vibrated. Nagpatuloy lang siya sa pagpadyak sa kabila ng panlalabo ng mga mata. Binabaybay niya ang kalsada nang isang van ang sumulpot sa harap niya.

        Ilang metro na lang iyon mula sa kanya.

        Lee's breathing hitched in anticipation, preparing for the impact. People say that when someone is about to die, their whole life flashes before them. Ang sabi-sabi pa nga, e, inaabot daw ng pitong segundo ang pagdaloy ng alaala bago tuluyang lamunin ng kamatayan ang tao.

        Para kay Lee, wala pa iyong limang segundo. It was about three seconds. And there was no melodramatic slideshow of his life.

        For a second, he saw glimpses of his performances, his grandmother, Charlotte, and everybody else. Pagdating naman sa natitirang dalawang segundo ay nakagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi.

        Two out of the possible last three seconds of his life, all he saw was Laurie.

—

        LAURIE KEPT rubbing her eyes as she approached Malie and Theo. Pagpasok niya ng café, nadatnan niyang seryosong nag-uusap ang dalawa. Nakumpirma niya ang hinala nang mahigpit siyang yakapin ni Malie. Theo looked apologetic.

        Hindi naman siya nagalit o nainis. Malie would have smelled that something was wrong from a mile away. Isa pa, namamaga ang singkit niyang mga mata. Halos hindi na nga siya makadilat.

        Theo volunteered to help clean the café. Tumulong din sina Charlotte at iyong ibang staff ng R/C Records bago umalis.

        "Are you sure you're okay to drive?" pang-ilang tanong ni Theo sa kanila ni Malie. Mauuna kasi itong umalis dahil sa isang shoot kinabukasan. "It's not that I don't trust you. Medyo marami lang kayong nainom kanina."

        Malie scrunched her nose in annoyance. "We're okay. Umuwi ka na nga."

        Theo just stared blankly at Malie. Si Malie naman, iwinagayway pa ang kamay. Itinuro rin nito ang direksyon ng pinto.

        "We can manage," Laurie assured him. "Nakailang kape na kami ni Mal."

         Ilang segundong nagpasalitsalit ang tingin nito sa kanilang dalawa at saka, bumuntonghininga. "Okay. Message me when you're both home."

        When Theo left, she and Malie continued wiping tables. Nang matapos ay mga upuan naman ang mabilisan nilang nilinis.

        Laurie found cleaning a bit therapeutic and distracting. The minute she gets home alone, she was sure that she would be crying again. Mainam nang lubusin niya ang pansamantalang kapayapaang dulot ng pag-aalaga sa Cafuné.

        "Lauwie, ikaw na ba magwawalis do'n sa may sofa?" natatarantang tanong ni Malie. Pawisan ang noo nito habang nakahawak sa laylayan ng damit.

        "Bakit ka pa nagpapaalam?" naguguluhan niyang tanong. "Umihi ka na kung naiihi ka."

        Malie smiled sheepishly. "Super saglit lang ako, promise!" With that, she ran toward the comfort room at full speed.

        Pag-alis nito ay naiwan na namang mag-isa si Laurie. She glanced at her phone. There wasn't anything from Lee.

        With all her might, she pulled the maroon sofa to the side. She clamped her hair before kneeling on the café's floor. Winalis niya iyon. Pagkatapos, ibinalik niya ang sofa sa dating posisyon.

        Nalukot ang noo niya. Pagtulak niya kasi ng sofa, may naiwang wallet sa ilalim niyon.

        Walang pagdadalawang-isip niya iyong kinuha.

        Bumuga ng hangin si Laurie. "Fuck."

        It was Lee's but that wasn't the surprising part.

        Apart from his IDs, there were the notes she gave Lee before. She used to give him handwritten notes with her gifts. Muling nanumbalik ang init sa mga mata niya. Maingat niyang nilapag sa nangingintab na sahig ng café iyong pinagsasaluhan nilang birthday candle noon.

        Her fingers began trembling. Inside one of the wallet's compartments was their picture taken by the Fine Arts building, laminated. Mariin siyang napalunok nang may makapa sa likod niyon.

        Laurie broke into sobs. On the picture's back, a tiny Ziploc bag was taped.

        And in it was a rounded diamond silver ring.

        "Lauwie?" Malie's blurry image came into view. Tumunghay siya rito at lumunok. Malie rushed to her side and rubbed her shoulders.

        With her trembling fingers, Laurie returned everything inside the wallet. Dalidali rin siyang pumunta sa counter at dinampot ang purse niya. Lumapit siya sa pintuan. "Mal," she called her best friend, sniffling. Pinunasan niya ang mga pisngi. "Can you close up alone?"

        Tumango si Malie. "Ikaw, sure ka bang kaya mo?" Nakagat nito ang pang-ibabang labi. Mukhang naramdaman nitong wala siyang balak na magpapigil.

        Mabagal siyang tumango.

        "Mag-iingat ka, Lauwie, 'ha?" Wala na siyang nagawa nang mahigpit siyang yakapin ni Malie. "I'm proud of you but remember na kahit anong mangyari, I'll be here."

        Before pulling Cafuné's glass door open, Laurie gave her a small smile. She fumbled for her keys on the way to her car. Matapos buhayin ang makina, umusbong ang kaba niya. Hindi pa niya kasi alam kung anong gagawin o sasabihin, oras na makaharap niya si Lee.

        Just a few hours ago, she walked out on him. He has every right to turn her away.

        Gayunpaman ay may karapatan din namang sumugal si Laurie.

        She wanted to reach him as soon as possible. The longer she waited, the longer she would suffer her mind's taunting. Patakbo siyang pumasok ng building. Sa pagmamadali, maraming beses siyang napamura at napahinto. She just couldn't stop crying.

        Barely seeing anything, Laurie stumbled as she climbed the stairs. Kinailangan tuloy niyang hubarin ang stilettos.

        She gaped at Lee's orange "Welcome" rug. Before her brain could try and stop her, she knocked. Pikit-mata niyang ginawa iyon. The scratches and bruises she got from simply climbing the stairs probably dissolved her fear.

        She never felt braver. Dumoble lang ang tapang niya nang bumukas ang pinto.

        Without saying anything, she showed Lee the wallet he left, hoping it would provide enough context for what she wanted to do next.

        Laurie tiptoed. Walang sabi-sabi niyang niyakap si Lee. She placed her hands around his nape and with them, his wallet and her shoes. She felt his warm breath on the side of her neck, too.

        Nakagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi nang may maramdamang pumapatak sa likod niya.

        Immediately, she realized what was happening. Lee was crying again.

        "Lau, baki—"

        When she gently pulled away from the hug, he held back his words. She tugged the hem of his white shirt, pulled him close, and planted a wet kiss on his lips. Umiiyak namang pinunasan ni Lee ang mga luhang tuloy lang ang pagdausdos sa pisngi niya.

        That melted Laurie even more but of course, the guilt was still there.

        It begrudgingly sat on the back of her mind like a hitchhiker, refusing to leave. This time, however, it wasn't enough to stop her from reaching for his lips. Hindi na iyon sapat para hadlangan ang pag-uwi niya kay Lee.

        Nang sa wakas ay pakawalan nila ang isa't isa, huminga nang malalim si Laurie. Napalitan ng ginhawa ang kaninang pagkalito sa mga mata nito. Sniffling, she bravely fought the urge to take back the kiss they shared.

        "Hi," Laurie greeted him breathlessly.#