❝Gone was the paralyzing fear of losing her.❞

— ❁ —

        "GRABE, MAHAL na mahal kita, Lee!"

        Lee hasn't heard his name that loud in a while. Kahit tatlong linggo lang siyang nawala at nagpahinga, kakaiba iyong kilig nang magsalubong ang tingin nila ng sumigaw. Nakangiti niyang itong kinawayan.

        As he walked to the bar, his eyes searched for Charlotte. Nakaestasyon ito sa bandang pintuan, kasama si Sandro. He waved at them. Charlotte only raised her brows in response. Napaismid si Lee. Alam naman niyang siya ang may kasalanan.

        Gayunpaman, hindi ibig sabihin niyon ay hindi na siya nakararamdam ng kirot sa tuwing iiwasan siya ni Charlotte. Others noticed it, too. Nagtataka na sina Jegs kung bakit nabawasan ang kadaldalan ni Charlotte.

        "Isa nga pong baso ng beer." Sinenyasan ni Lee ang bartender. His phone vibrated. Upon checking the notification, his brows furrowed. Pangalan kasi ni Laurie ang bumungad sa kanya.

        Habang binabasa ang text message, sumimsim siya ng beer.

Laurie: I apologize for messaging you this late but I jut wanted to clarify the details for tomorrow? Are we going to meet at the uni? Also, I hope you dont take it personally but I ned to leave early. Di ako pwedeng abutin ng 1 AM like before. May lakad kami ni Mal ng 9 AM so I have to be home around 12 MN.
Laurie: *just
Laurie: **don't
Laurie: ***need

        "Pucha, ang cute talaga." Kinailangang ibaba ni Lee ang basong muntik niyang matapon. Sighing, he hovered his finger on the conversation. He glanced at the time. Mag-aalas-dos na rin ng umaga.

        Nangingiti niyang pinindot ang "call" button sa tabi ng pangalan ni Laurie. "Hi, sorry napatawag ako. Medyo nakainom na kasi ako. Baka puro typos ma-send ko. Lau, nand'yan ka pa ba?"

        Laurie cleared her throat. "Right, sorry, I'm here. It's fine. Hindi pa naman ako inaantok."

        "About pala sa gig bukas, 11 PM 'yong set ko kaya sure na 'di tayo aabutin ng 12 AM. Okay lang din kung gusto mong umuwi nang mas maaga."

        "No, it's okay," mabilis nitong sabi sa kabilang linya. "Gusto kitang panoorin. Uh, so should we meet there? I'll probably leave the café around 7 PM. That way, may oras pa tayong maglibot."

        Confusion would be an understatement to describe what he was feeling. Laurie was rambling. Rinig niya ang bawat katiting na pag-aalinlangan sa boses nito. Sa kabila ng pagkalito, hindi niya mapigilang matuwa. Lumalabas kasi ang pagiging metikuloso nito.

        Back then, she would plan their important dates religiously. She felt frustrated whenever her plans would go awry, too.

        Lee wanted to comment but he decided not to. Pagkatapos kasi noong nangyari sa birthday dinner nito, lumala ang pagkailang ni Laurie. Kada dadaan sila ni Theo sa café ay parang maiiyak ito. Malie told him not to worry anyway. He decided to heed that advice.

        Parang wala rin naman kasi siyang karapatang magreklamo. Hindi lang naman basta gig ang sadya niya sa pagbisita nila sa alma mater. For Lee, it was also a deadline. If he doesn't make a decision, he might as well resign from the agency.

        "Lau," he called her softly. "Kung sasamahan mo 'ko kasi nagi-guilty ka, 'wag na. Hindi mo naman kailangang bumawi sa 'kin."

        "It's not like that. Gusto ko talagang pumunta." Saglit itong tumahimik. "Ihahatid ka ba ni Junnie bukas?"

        "P'wede pero baka 10 pa 'ko dumating 'pag nagpahatid ako. May sched din kasi si Sandro sa QC bukas. Susunduin muna siya bago ako." Kinalahati niya ang kanina pang inaalagaan na beer. "Ay, wait. Commute na lang ako para makapaglibot tayo bago set ko."

        Laurie sighed. "Sunduin na lang kaya kita?"

        Halos masamid siya sa narinig. "Ha? 'Di na, 'wag na."

        "What if we just meet halfway? Sa café na lang siguro tayo magkita, then sabay na tayo papunta."

        In disbelief, Lee tore the phone away from his ear. He placed it on the table and watched the call duration. Nang mapagtantong totoo ngang si Laurie pa rin ang kausap, muli niyang dinampot ang phone.

        "What was that? Nawala ka ba?" she asked, concerned.

        Mariin niyang kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi, nangingiti. "Sorry, medyo maingay lang. Anyway, ano, okay 'yong suggestion mo. Sa Cafuné na lang tayo magkita para rin 'di ka na lumayo?" Tuluyan niyang tinungga ang beer pagkasabi niyon.

        "Okay," Laurie hummed. "Goodnight and again, I apologize for messaging you this late."

        "Okay lang," matipid niyang sabi. "Goodnight."

        Laurie and Lee let the call run silently for seconds. Parang pareho nilang ayaw ibaba ang tawag. Malamlam ang mga mata ni Lee habang pinanonood ang papataas na numero sa screen. When a notification from Sandro popped, he blinked. Pinalalapit siya nito sa mesa nila.

        "Bye, Lau," Lee mumbled before ending the call. "See you bukas."

—

        "BUTI NA lang, bukas kayo today," the customer muttered, sighing in relief. "Pumunta ako dito no'ng nakaraan, e, tapos sarado kayo. Walang announcement or anything sa page niyo, I had to look for another café tuloy."

        Laurie and Malie exchanged glances. Pareho kasi nilang hindi namumukhaan iyong babae.

        "Apologies po, nagka-emergency lang kaya wala pong announcement sa page," nakangiting sabi ni Malie. "May personal errand lang po kaya kinailangan naming magsara. By the way, ano pong order niyo?"

        The girl pushed her glasses. "I'll have the tortellini and a cup of your signature blend." She turned to Laurie. "Not to be nosy or anything, pero gusto ko sanang itanong kung sarili niyong recipe 'yong tortellini."

        Laurie tried her best to smile. "Yes, we also prepare the pasta ourselves."

        "I knew it," the girl declared, snapping her fingers. "Nag-try kasi ako ng pasta do'n sa kabila, then I thought it tasted different. Thanks for humoring me. Pakisenyasan na lang ako if okay na order ko. I'll eat by the window."

        Laurie was in the middle of being grateful and pissed. Noong sumulpot kasi ang babae, nasa proseso siya ng pag-iisip. The night before, she and Lee talked on the phone. He ended the call hastily. Hindi tuloy mapigilang mag-alala ni Laurie kahit ilang beses nitong sinabing ayos na.

        Para kasing galit pa rin si Lee sa kanya.

        Gamit ang clamp, ipinusod niya ang maikli naman nang buhok. She approached Malie. "Here," she whispered while tying Malie's apron. "You can boil the pasta while I get some star anise."

        After infusing the mocha with the spice, Laurie watched a piece of star anise float. She should be happy. Kapupuri lang ng isang customer ng pasta nila ni Malie. May special mention din iyong signature blend na kanya na noon pa. Masaya dapat siyang dumarami na ang loyal customers ng café.

        Cafuné was her and Malie's baby born against all odds.

        But now that it was beginning to thrive like it did before the pandemic, something didn't feel right. Parang may kakulangan sa loob ni Laurie na biglang sumulpot.

        "Lauwie." Malie snapped her fingers. Mariing napapikit si Laurie. Kaagad niyang nilapag ang tasa ng kape sa harap ng customer. "Sorry po, medyo sabog lang, he-he. Enjoy your food po and thank you for choosing us today."

        While walking to the coffee bar, Malie put her arm around Laurie. Pinisil-pisil din nito ang balikat niya, pinakakalma siya.

        Napabuntonghininga si Laurie. "I'm sorry I'm distracted." Sumampa siya sa stool. "Kausap ko kasi si Lee kagabi. We discussed about the gig later and then. . . "

        "And then?" nakapangalumbabang sabi ni Malie.

        "I don't know. He didn't sound okay." She bit her lip. "Maybe I'm just overthinking things."

        "Lauwie, magkikita naman kayo mamaya, 'di ba? Bakit 'di mo na lang siya tanungin?" Dumukwang ito sa counter at lumapit sa kanya. Like a cat, Malie rubbed Laurie's chin affectionately. "Feeling ko, 'di naman 'yon galit sa 'yo. Nasa bar ba siya no'ng nag-usap kayo? Baka busy lang 'yon."

        "Honestly, I would prefer it if he was mad. It might make things easier," Laurie said with a bittersweet smile.

        By 7 PM, she anxiously turned toward the door whenever the door chimes twinkled.

        "Don't worry, dadating 'yon. Baka late lang saglit. May dinaanan pa yata, e. Nakita ko sa tweet niya," Malie tried to lift her spirits. "May isang salita naman 'yon si Lee."

        Laurie just hummed in response. She wasn't really doubting Lee. Alam naman niyang darating ito. Iyon nga yata ang mas nakakakaba. What worried her was how the air felt thick. It felt like a warning; like something beyond her control was about to happen.

        "Good evening and welcome to Cafuné!" masiglang bati ni Malie sa bagong-dating. "Grabe, ang tagal mo. Kanina ka pa hinihintay ni Lauwie."

        Naramdaman ni Laurie ang paninigas ng mga tuhod. Sa kabila niyon, nilingon niya ang kausap ni Malie. She tore her eyes away from the painting. She was facing its creator, anyway.

        Laurie cleared her throat. "Don't mind Malie," umiiling niyang sabi kay Lee. Sumulyap siya sa relong iniregalo nito. Despite wearing a face mask, Lee's face evidently lit up the second he noticed her watch. "Should we go or do you want to eat dinner first?"

        "Uh—" Lee scanned her from head to toe. Taimtim na hiniling ni Laurie na hindi nito mahalatang kalahating oras ang iginugol niya, makapili lang ng kumportableng pang-itaas. "—kumain na 'ko bago umalis. P'wede sigurong lumakad na tayo pero ikaw. . ?"

        Each answer sounded more uncertain than the last. Laurie hated that thought. Untiunti nang gumagapang ang takot sa lalamunan niya. It was the same brand of fear she felt the night she broke up with him.

        "Sure," Laurie mumbled, choking down the familiar feeling.

        Malie waved from behind the counter. "Enjoy kayo, 'ha? Send vids na lang ng mga banda."

        Tipid siyang ngumiti. Nakapamulsa namang bumuntot sa kanya si Lee.

        When they got outside the café, the wind blew harshly. Lee removed his cap. Hinangin ang ilang hibla ng buhok na humaharang sa noo nito. Nang makasakay sa kotse niya, sunod nitong inalis ang face mask.

        "Grabe, kanina pa 'ko 'di makahinga," Lee exclaimed, chuckling. "Ewan ko ba, ang sikip ng nadampot kong mask."

        Laurie swore she felt time move again when he smiled.

        Lee's smile grew bigger as the Fine Arts building came into view 30 minutes later. Parang bata nitong inalis ang seat belt, malaya lang na maipatong ang mga braso sa bintana. Iniunan nito ang mga braso habang sinisipat ang building.

        The whole time, Laurie tried to keep her eyes on him, afraid of missing a moment.

        The car passed in front of the Fine Arts building. Saktong pagsulyap niya sa bintana ang siyang pagdaan nila sa entrance niyon. Potted plants still decorated the stone bench she and Lee used to fit in.

        Laurie blinked. In that fracture of a second, an image from five years ago flashed.

        Sila ni Lee, magkatalikuran sa bench. Pareho silang may baso ng kape at kumpol ng index cards sa paanan nila. Back then, Lee would attend his classes with unkempt shirts. He didn't have time to iron them. Hinuhugot na lang daw nito ang damit mula sa sampayan ng dorm, tapos diretso suot na.

        Bumuntonghininga si Laurie. She, then, looked at Lee who was grinning in the passenger seat. He wore a black denim jacket over a white shirt. Wala nang bahid ng pagmamadali.

        "Bakit?" kunot-noong tanong ni Lee. "Kanina mo pa 'ko tinitingnan nang gan'yan, ha-ha. Malapit na 'kong kabahan."

        "I know we've been talking like this for months but right now, it's just—" Laurie exhaled shakily, fighting the tears forming in her eyes. "—slapping me in the face."

        "Ang alin, Lau?"

        She gripped the steering wheel. "How you changed."

        Immediately, Laurie felt like throwing up. Kitang-kita niya kung paanong pinigilan ni Lee ang sarili. He was about to hold her hand but he held back. Napansin kasi nitong napansin niya. Pagkatapos, sinikap nitong ngumiti.

        Laurie did her part. Sinikap na lang din niyang makuntento sa ngiting iyon. It was the same smile anyway.

—

        "Ika'y babalik, hahalik patungo pa rin sa akin."

        As he let go of the same line he has been singing for weeks, Lee squinted at the audience. Bagaman imposible, gusto niyang subukan. Pilit niyang sinipat ang malatuldok na mukha ng mga tao, maaninag lang si Laurie.

        "Enjoy the rest of the night, guys! Marami pang booths na bukas daw hanggang—" Nilingon ni Lee iyong emcee'ng naghihintay sa kanya. The girl raised two fingers. "—two AM. Lubusin na natin pero sana 'wag nating kalimutan 'yong real purpose ng concert, okay?"

        Besides celebrating the university's 25th year, the event was a fundraiser for numerous advocacies. Active din kasi ang university sa walang katapusang diskusyon ng dagdag pasahod sa teachers at professors. Apart from returning to the stage he considered sacred, Lee wanted to contribute to the said cause.

        Bumulong siya ng pasasalamat sa banda bago siya bumaba ng stage. Tumipa siya ng message para kay Laurie. She, then, quickly sent him a pin of her location.

        On his way to her, a few girls asked for pictures. May nagbigay rin ng isang plastic bag na siksik sa cotton candy. "Hala, thank you so much," nakangiti niyang sabi habang nakatitig sa front camera. "Ang dami no'n, a?"

        Humagikhik iyong mga nagpa-picture. "Thank you po, kuya!"

        Lee raised his brows, smiling. "Welcome~ Paki-tag ako, 'ha?"

        Lots of booths were lined up. Bukod sa pagkain, mayro'n ding rides at carnival games. There was also a tent granting henna tattoos. From a few feet away, Lee spotted a vending machine. Excited siyang naghulog ng barya roon. Biting the plastic bag of cotton candy, he carried two cups of coffee while looking for Laurie.

        She stood near the barricades, arms crossed over her chest.

        For a moment, Lee forgot about the warm coffee cups. Kagat-kagat pa rin niya iyong supot ng cotton candy. Sa halip na magpapako sa kinatatayuan, humakbang siya ng isa paatras. Umihip ang hangin. Humigpit ang yakap ni Laurie sa sarili. She continued nodding along to the music, too.

        Lee wondered whether she enjoyed his performance earlier. Hindi niya napigilang isipin kung tumango rin ito noong siya ang nasa stage; kung niyakap din nito ang sarili, malabanan lang ang hamog.

        Ngayong iilang hakbang lang si Laurie mula sa kanya, hindi niya mapigilang magtaka kung paano niya nakaya iyong tatlong linggo. Lee felt a mixture of sadness and relief at the thought. For those three weeks, he focused on himself.

        By doing so, he realized a lot of things. Isa na roon ang kasiguraduhang kaya naman pala niya nang wala si Laurie; kung gugustuhin niya.

        Malalim na bumuntonghininga si Lee bago tuluyang lumapit. Instead of calling Laurie, he nudged her arm. Her initial response was a frown but that quickly dissolved. Untiunti iyong napalitan ng maliit na ngiti nang mapagtantong siya iyong naniko.

        Grinning, Lee gave her one of the cups. Binigay rin niya iyong kulay pink na cotton candy. Walang imik iyong binawasan ni Laurie. "Ayaw mo ba?" she offered.

        The 3-week break made Lee acknowledge that Charlotte has been right all along. Totoong hindi siya nakapag-move on dahil simula pa lang, sigurado na siyang ayaw niya.

        Kinuha ni Lee ang cotton candy. "Gusto s'yempre."

        Humangin. Awtomatiko siyang napalingon kay Laurie. Despite wearing a long-sleeved top, the material was sheer. Paniguradong tumatagos ang lamig doon.

        Muling binigay ni Lee ang cotton candy. "Pahawak muna," sabi niya, sabay lahad ng sarili niyang kape. Hinubad niya ang suot na jacket pagkatapos. Before Laurie could object, he placed it on her shoulders. "Suotin mo 'yan nang ayos. Nanginginig ka na, o."

        Mabagal na umiling si Laurie. "Okay lang." Tinungga nito ang baso ng kape. "Why did you buy me coffee anyway? Alam mo namang bawal."

        Kinuha niya ang cotton candy. "E, bakit mo inubos?" ngumunguya niyang tanong.

        "Malie's cutting me off. One-fourth na lang daw ng thermos ko 'yong p'wede everyday."

        Binawasan niya ang laman ng sariling baso. "Buti nga sa 'yo."

        Laurie turned to him, looking offended. Nagkibitbalikat lang siya habang tumatawa. Pinalipas nila ang sunod na mga minuto sa panonood ng nasa stage. The band's name didn't sound familiar at all: "4D".

        Lee nudged her arm again. "Napanood mo naman ako kanina, 'di ba?"

        Laurie hummed in response.

        "'Yong sinabi mo kanina sa kotse—" Napalabi siya. "—masama ba 'yon na nagbago ako?"

        "No, of course not," mabilis nitong sabi. "Can I be honest?"

        Tuluyang inubos ni Lee ang napakatamis niyang kape mula sa vending machine. "Oo naman."

        "I'm not mad at the fact that you changed," she mumbled, slightly chuckling. "It would be stupid to get mad about that."

        Nakangiti niya itong nilingon. "E, 'di kanino o saan ka pala galit?"

        Laurie smiled softly. "I was pissed at how I could have witnessed you change." Her eyes remained glued on the stage, glistening. "I could have been there the whole time."

        Lee didn't really know how to respond to that. He tried his best to distract himself. Madali na lang dapat iyon. Nilamukos niya ang hawak na paper cup. The wind blew harshly. The drums made the ground quake, too. Napakaingay rin sa concert grounds.

        Ipinokus niya ang mga mata sa stage. That didn't help at all. Parang mas mabilis pa ngang naipon ang luha sa sulok ng mga mata niya. Nang ibalik niya ang atensyon kay Laurie, maraming beses siyang napalunok.

        She just had this small, wistful smile, contrasting her usual sharp gaze. "I know I sound selfish right now but I just thought I needed to be honest. Nasaktan kita last time, e. I'm really sorry for that and everything before tha—" Upon meeting his stare, she bit her lip. "—why are you crying?"

        That didn't stop Lee's tears. Nasaksihan niya kasi ang pag-akyat ng pag-aalala sa mga mata ni Laurie.

        Smiling, he wiped his cheeks with his arm. "Alam mo, 'di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o maiinis kasi kung kailan—" Nilamon ng hikbi ang huling salitang iyon. "—magsasalita ka ng gan'yan."

        "Hey." Laurie rubbed his back. "Lee, breathe. . ."

        Lee obliged but he continued crying anyway. Hindi rin naman niya kayang pigilan. "Bakit ka ba gan'yan, 'ha? Pa'no mo napapadali lahat?" Bahagya siyang lumayo kay Laurie.

        She looked clueless, unaware of how she influenced his decision, unaware of how she encouraged him to continue hoping.

        Still panicking, Laurie handed him the jacket he lent her. "Wear it properly, baka sipunin ka," pabulong nitong sabi. Nang hindi siya tuminag, ito mismo ang nagsuot niyon sa kanya.

        Lalong naiyak si Lee. His sobs grew louder, too. What Laurie said reminded him of the night they broke up. It was same thing. Sinabihan niya itong suotin nang maayos ang jacket niya. Sa halip na makinig noon, ibinalik nito iyon sa kanya at nagpaalam.

        Ang pinagkaiba lang siguro ay iyong pagiging magaan ng ngayon.

        Sure, Lee was sobbing but he felt lighter than ever. Back then, he was scared of losing her all the time. Nag-aalala kasi siyang magbago ang isip ni Laurie. Iyon siguro ang dahilan kung bakit grabe na lang ang pagsisikap niya sa relasyon nila noon.

        Lee might have been unaware but back then, he definitely lost himself.

        "Oh, God, I'm so sorry," Laurie muttered, annoyed and guilty. Her fingers trembled. May ngatal na rin sa boses nito. "What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep hurting you?"

        "Lau," he called her. "'Di mo naman kasalanang umiyak ako, ha-ha. 'Di mo rin kailangang mag-sorry. Masaya ako, Lau. Happy tears 'to, promise."

        "Okay, but could you please try to calm down?" The lights flashed in their direction, quickly switching colors. Nanatili pala ang mga linya sa noo ni Laurie. "Kanina pa tayo pinagtitinginan. People are starting to think I did something to you."

        Chuckling softly, Lee dried his cheeks with his jacket's sleeve. Inabot niya ang kamay ni Laurie pagkatapos. "Sorry, nag-panic ka yata. Hindi mo 'ko nasaktan. Not this time."

        She squeezed his hand. "I don't know if you know but Charlotte messaged me. Bawal ka raw magkasakit ulit."

        "Balot na balot ako, o," nangingiti niyang sabi. "Hindi 'yan, Lau."

        Isinuksok ni Lee sa bulsa ng jacket ang magkahawak nilang kamay. Silence engulfed them as they watched the performances again. Although, from time to time, he would rub the back of her hand with his thumb. Rinig niya ang matalim na pagsinghap ni Laurie tuwing ginagawa niya iyon.

        Sa pag-aakalang hindi na ito kumportable, sinulyapan niya ito. Naambunan ng kumikislap na ilaw ang mukha ni Laurie. To his surprise, she was smiling ever so softly.

        Hindi napigilan ni Lee ang pagkopya sa ngiti nito. Gone was the paralyzing fear of losing her.#