❝Lee would always assure her she shouldn't feel guilty for feeling things.❞

— ❁ —

        FOR THE last two weeks, Laurie hasn't heard anything from Lee. Magsisinungaling siya kung sasabihin niyang hindi ito ang una niyang hinanap pagmulat niya sa ospital. Ilang beses din siyang naalimpungatan. And then, she saw some guy with the same build standing outside the door.

        The morning after her birthday, Malie found her unconscious. Mabuti na lang at naisipan siya nitong sorpresahin at ipagluto. Kung hindi, malamang ay ilang araw siguro siyang namilipit sa pananakit ng sikmura.

        "Alam mo, Lau, p'wede mo naman kasing tawagan," nakangiwing sabi sa kanya ni Malie. "Kanina ka pa nakaabang d'yan sa pinto, e, what if hinihintay ka lang din no'n?"

        Bumuga ng hangin si Laurie, nakatutok pa rin ang mga mata sa pintuan ng café. "He's probably mad. If I were him, I wouldn't want to hear anything from me either."

        "But you're not him. Hindi naman mapagtanim 'yon." Inagaw ng best friend niya ang sinisimsim niyang thermos. "Golden retriever boyfriend nga, 'di ba?"

        "Ex-boyfriend," pagtatama niya.

        Malie made a face before scrunching her nose. "You're talking to me, Lauwie. 'Di mo kailangang magpanggap sa harap ko." Walang sabi-sabi nitong binuhos sa sink ang natitirang kape ng thermos. Sinamaan ito ng tingin ni Laurie. "I can stalk him for you. Aminin mo lang sa 'kin na miss mo na."

        Laurie grimaced. "Over my dead body."

        "Bad joke 'yan," Stefan mumbled as he made his way to the coffee bar. Walang imik na nakabuntot dito si Theo. Kunot-noong ipinatong ng kapatid niya ang palad sa noo niya. "Sorry, ngayon lang ako nakabisita. You seem fine but I'll ask anyway. Are you okay?"

        Frowning, she swatted Stefan's hand. "You're two weeks late and yes, I'm okay. Drop the concerned brother act. Hindi bagay sa 'yo, Steffie."

        Maarte nitong ipinaikot ang mga mata. "By the way, Dad said he dropped by. Anong nangyari? May sinabi ba siya sa 'yo? Is that what sent you to the hospital?"

        Laurie sighed exasperatedly. After that, she gestured at Malie and Theo. Iniwan niya ang dalawa at hinila si Stefan palayo. Doon sila pumuwesto ng kapatid sa mesang katabi ng bintana. She sat up straight, her arms crossed over her chest. "Is he dying?"

        "Who?" Stefan asked while properly hanging his jacket on the chair. "Sinong mamamatay?"

        "Si Dad," walang-preno niyang sabi. "I know the question makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch but that's the only explanation I can think of."

        Stefan chuckled heartily. Umuga pa ang magkabila nitong balikat. "Bakit ba? Anong sabi sa 'yo?"

        "Nothing. He kept saying he wanted to see me which doesn't really make sense," nakapangalumbaba niyang sabi. "Huli niyang message sa 'kin, disappointed daw siya tapos biglang gano'n. That's weird, right?"

        "It's not like you to be concerned about Dad. Nagka-epiphany ka ba no'ng na-confine ka?"

        "Speaking of which, I think that whole thing was your fault. It was your wine."

        "I didn't tell you to mix wine with coffee, sis." The grimace on his face slowly contorted into a concerned frown. "But are you really okay? I apologize for being weeks late but I was swamped with work. Humingi naman ako ng updates kay Malie so in a way, I was with you the whole time."

        "I'm paying you back for the meds and the bill, by the way."

        Stefan shook his head. "There's no need for that. Okay na sa 'kin 'yong okay ka."

        "Be honest with me. Are you dying?"

        "What? I'm a nice person," ungot ng kakambal niya. "Ikaw lang naman 'tong tulak nang tulak sa 'kin. What did the doctor say?"

        "It's nothing serious. I just have to cut back on a lot of things."

        "Si Lee nga pala?" Nagpalinga-linga sa café si Stefan. "Alam ba niyang sinugod ka ni Mal sa ospital?"

        Mabagal siyang tumango. "Mal said he dropped by but I haven't seen him since."

        Sabay silang napalingon sa pintuan nang kumagingking ang door chimes. Cheska marched to the coffee bar, a backpack in tow. Stefan's face lit up. Almost immediately, Laurie kicked his leg under the table. Apologetic naman itong ngumiti at ngumisi.

        He cleared his throat while massaging his leg. "What did you do?"

        Nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya. "With what?"

        "With Lee?"

        Laurie threw her twin a sharp look. It's moments like this that reminded her of the so-called "twin connection". Wala pa siyang sinasabi, alam nito agad na siya ang may kasalanan. Wala rin naman siyang balak na depensahan ang sarili.

        It was her fault anyway. Her and her stupid mouth.

        "Ano nga?' pangungulit ni Stefan.

        "I told him I didn't need him," she answered, sighing. "I didn't mean it that way but I guess he took it badly."

        Bumulanghit ng tawa ang kaharap niya. "Sige nga. Sasabihin ko sa 'yong 'di kita kailangan. How are you going to take it?"

        "It wasn't like that, saka may 'right now' 'yon. I told him I didn't need him that night because I can process my own feelings."

        Nakagat niya ang labi nang makitang nakangiti si Stefan. He seemed to enjoy how she was opening up. Frankly, she was enjoying it, too, until she saw him looking amused.

        "Still, it doesn't come across nicely, Lau. Kung ako sa 'yo, ako na unang magte-text kaysa 'yong gan'yan na—" Tumunog ang door chimes. She threw a glance at the door and was disappointed when it was just another customer. Her frown grew deeper when she met Stefan's eyes. "—see. Mababali lang leeg mo kakabantay sa pinto."

        "Bakit ka nga nandito ulit?"

        "If I say I wanted to check on you personally, would you believe me?"

        "No," mabilis niyang sagot na ikinatawa nito.

        "Then no, I'm not here for you. I just wanted to eat with Theo." Stefan stood up and gestured at the coffee bar. Before heading to the counter, he leaned in. "I-message mo na kasi, unless you can't," he taunted her.

        Laurie was about to retort when he sprinted toward Theo and Malie. Stefan even stuck his tongue out. Dahil sa counter tumambay ang kapatid niya, hindi na lang siya umalis sa mesa. She fished her phone out of her pocket and there, by the window, she stared at Lee's contact number.

—

        THE PAST two weeks has been mundane for Lee. Ang usapan nila ni Charlotte ay hindi niya muna kakausapin o kikitain man lang si Laurie. Gayunpaman, minuminuto niyang tinititigan ang number nito. Naglaho kasi siyang parang bula.

        Laurie might think he was mad.

        May katotohanan naman doon. He was pissed at first but he also understood where she was coming from. Nabigla ito sa biglang pagdating ng daddy nito sa café. Dahil doon, sa kanya nito naibunton ang pinigil na inis at sama ng loob.

        Laurie always felt guilty when it comes to her complicated relationship with her father. Ayon mismo rito, ang mali raw sa pakiramdam na naiinis ito, gayong naibibigay naman daw ng daddy nito ang mga pangunahin nitong kailangan sa buhay. Lee would always assure her she shouldn't feel guilty for feeling things.

        May pinag-uugatan naman kasi lahat.

        Bumalikwas ng bangon si Lee nang mag-vibrate ang phone niya. Si Chalotte iyon, tumatawag. Despite their agreement not to contact each other, he answered the call. "Update lang kita na nakausap ko na si Laurie. Go na sila sa gig sa December."

        "Okay," he hummed.

        Panandaliang tumahimik ang kabilang linya. "Nag-Pinto Museum ka raw kahapon sabi ni Jegs?"

        "Yep, matagal ko nang balak dumaan do'n kaso wala laging time."

        "By the way, she looks okay so you can rest easy. Sinabi ko na rin na pinag-break kita saglit kaya bigla kang MIA. You can relax. I made sure she doesn't think you disappeared on her."

        Lee smiled softly. "Overthinker 'yon. Hulaan ko, sinabi niyang 'di niya 'yon inisip?"

        "Mm-hmm. Anyway, ayon lang tinawag ko."

        "Manager—" He bit the inside of his cheek. "—p'wede pa naman kitang tawaging 'manager', 'di ba?"

        Narinig niya ang malalim na pagbuntonghininga ni Charlotte. "Don't be dramatic. I'm pissed at you but yes, I'm still your manager. Hangga't 'di ka pa nakakapag-decide sa gusto mong gawin sa buhay, you can still consider me your manager."

        "Okay," he mumbled, smiling. "Thank you sa updates. P'wede namang tawagan mo na lang si Lau pero pumunta ka pa do'n. Thank you sa pag-check kay Lau, para sa 'kin."

        "You make it sound like I'm heartless. Nagkasama pa rin naman kami kahit saglit lang. Of course, gusto ko ring malaman kung okay siya. I didn't check on her just for you," Charlotte muttered. "Anyway, bye na. 'Yon lang talaga tinawag ko. Ingat ka kung sa'n man lakad mo bukas."

        With that, the call ended.

        Charlotte has been holding up her end of the deal nicely. Kung minsan, sa groupchat nito ipinadadaan kina Sandro ang pangungumusta. As for Lee, everything was starting to feel static. Hindi na talaga siya sanay na matulog nang maaga. Bago na rin sa pakiramdam iyong sa bahay siya kumakain at hindi sa van.

        That weekend, he attended a gig near their alma mater. It was the café he used to frequent with Laurie. Doon din siya nagsimulang mag-perform hanggang sa maging regular siya.

        Café Valentin didn't change at all.

        Rustic pa rin ang overall theme niyon. May fairy lights pa ring nakasabit sa bawat sulok. Even the wooden chairs and tables stayed the same. May vandal pa nga ang iba. Gayunpaman, nakangiting pumasok si Lee.

        He sat on the far back after ordering coffee. Dahil nakasuot siya ng face mask, isinuksok na lang niya sa ilalim ang straw para makainom.

        "Taas-kamay ng mga sawi," bungad ng bokalista ng bandang nasa stage.

        Bumulanghit ng tawa si Lee. Parte na yata talaga ng kultura ng gigs ang linyang iyon. It reminded him of Laurie, too. She would have cringed and he would have pinched her nose.

        Lee used to ask his audience the same line.

        Usapang pag-ibig naman kasi talaga ang nakakukuha ng atensyon ng lahat. Tulad ngayon. Nilibot niya ng tingin ang paligid. To answer the vocalist, a few raised their hands brazenly. Mayro'n namang pilit na itinaas at iwinagayway ang kamay ng mga kaibigan. Maliit siyang napangiti.

        Before being signed, he didn't really think of it as a way of catching attention. Sadyang gusto lang niyang makipag-usap sa audience. After all, music is meant to be shared.

        Lee drank the rest of his coffee. Pagkatapos niyon, lumapit siya sa stage. Sumabay at tumalon siya sa ritmo ng drums. With his eyes closed, he nodded along the music. He didn't pay attention to the lyrics. Puwersahan niyang pinatay ang bahagi ng utak niyang pilit na pinagaganda ang ayos ng chords.

        He turned his writer side off, too.

        For the first time in a while, Lee felt like falling in love with music all over again. There was no pressure. Walang nakabinbing pag-aalala sa balikat niya na baka malunod ang boses niya ng speakers.

        For the first time in a while, he was there to listen, not to perform.

        Lee's energy surged even after he got home. He felt the urge to write but to no avail. Inalagaan na lang niya ang pakiramdam na pinabaon ng pinuntahang gig. Besides that, he made a mental note to check on the agency's upcoming songwriting workshops or classes.

        "Tapos 'La, ang kulit lang na pawis na pawis 'yong mga tao kakatalon pero wala silang pakialam," nakatawa niyang kuwento kay Lola Pasing sa kabilang linya. "Ang tagal ko na palang 'di nakakanood nang gano'n. Usually kasi, may naka-reserve na kaming table sa gilid o likod ng stage kaya 'di namin ga'nong ramdam."

        "Simeon, anak, dis oras na ng gabi. Kanina pa 'ko ginakita san imu tiyo," pumapalatak na sabi ng lola niya. "Ayaw mo pa bang tumulog? Habo mo pang magpahinga?"

        "Hay naku, 'La. Feeling ko, ikaw ang inaantok na, e. Dinahilan mo pa si Tito, ha-ha." Nangingiti siyang napailing. "Sige po, goodnight na. Tawag na lang ako ulit buwas."

        "Wara ka bang mahimu dida?"

        "Wala na po, e. Pinagpahinga nga po ako ni Manager. May three days na lang naman ako kaya lubusin na natin, 'La."

        "Amu pa." Bumuntonghininga si Lola Pasing. "Hala, sige na. Buwas na lang. Goodnight, anak."

        Half asleep, Lee checked his notifications. He was scrolling through his Twitter mentions when an e-mail caught his eye. Galing iyon sa alma mater nila ni Laurie, ipinapaalala iyong paparating na foundation day. He already confirmed his attendance but he hasn't asked Laurie.

        He glanced at the date. Only three more days.

        Kinaya naman niya ang halos tatlong linggo nang 'di nakikita si Laurie. Sapat naman na sigurong patunay iyon na hindi lang ito basta "distraction". It might have started that way but she would always be more than that.

        Charlotte said he should be soul-searching. Siguro naman, hindi niya kasalanan kung ang ilang piraso ng kaluluwa niya ay nakakapit kay Laurie.

—

        AFTER CLEANING the café windows, Laurie stretched her arms. She glanced at the door. That automatically made her sigh. For three weeks, there has been no sign of Lee. Tuloy, tatlong linggo na rin siyang bumubuntonghininga tuwing tumutunog ang door chimes.

        Humahakbang na siya papunta sa coffee bar nang mamataan niya ang isang lalaki. Nakatayo ito sa harap ng painting ni Lee. She immediately tensed. The guy wore a pullover, denim jeans, a baseball cap, and a face mask.

        This time, it didn't feel like a fever dream. Kahihilamos lang kasi ni Laurie.

        She hasn't seen Lee for only three weeks but the feeling was comparable to the first time they met months ago. Pamilyar pa rin. Kakaiba pa rin ang intensidad at nginig na hatid nito sa kanya. Despite having his back turned against her, Laurie felt like crying.

        This time, however, she was sure it was because of relief. Slowly, she made her way to the painting.

        Tinabihan niya si Lee. "Hi." Laurie made sure to utter the first word of their first conversation in a while.

        Lee seemed to be taken aback by that. "Hi," buntonghininga nitong sabi. "Nagkasundo kami ni Manager na kailangan ko ng pahinga kaya. . . 'yon."

        She hummed. "It's okay. 'Di mo kailangang ipaliwanag sa 'kin. But if you were mad, I would understand. If you're just making excuses right now, I understand."

        "Hmm, nainis ako no'ng una pero gets kita. Lagi naman kitang gets." Nagpamulsa ito. "Isa pa, may point naman 'yong mga sinabi mo. Totoo naman. Ginawa kitang distraction, e, 'di dapat gano'n. Unfair 'yon sa 'yo. Sorry na naiparamdam ko 'yon sa 'yo."

        Laurie felt outright shitty. Ang mali lang kasi para sa kanya na si Lee pa ang humingi ng pasensya. Hindi niya tuloy mawari kung kanino siya mas naiinis: kay Lee o sa sarili niya. Despite feeling guilty for weeks, she still couldn't bring herself to apologize.

        And so, for minutes, Lee and Laurie just stood in front of the painting.

        Finally, he cleared his throat. "Actually, pumunta ako dito kasi invited akong mag-perform sa upcoming foundation day natin. Nabanggit ko na 'to pero sabi mo no'n, 'di ka pa sure kung gusto mong sumama."

        Laurie's brows knitted. She expected him to be mad. Hindi niya mapigilang magtaka sa kung paano nito nagagawang maging kalmado sa harap niya.

        It just felt unfair. While she trembled, Lee was obviously smiling underneath his face mask. Parang lagi itong sigurado. She, on the other hand, has always been a gigantic ball of mixed emotions.

        "I don't want to assume so I'm just going to ask—" She bit her lower lip. "—are you inviting me to go with you?"

        "Sabi mo, gusto mong makita 'yong building na 'di natin naabutan, 'di ba?" Inalis nito ang suot na face mask. He really was smiling from eye to eye. Tuluyang nalusaw si Laurie. "Remember? Sabi mo, pag-iisipan mo after no'ng shoot."

        "So, do you still want me there?" she asked quietly. "With you?"

        Lee shot her a look. "Bakit naman hindi?"

        Nagkibitbalikat siya. "Bakit naman oo?"

        "A, naisip ko lang na ang sarap siguro sa feeling kung babalik tayo do'n after years tapos ako, magpe-perform ako sa stage natin," paliwanag nito. "Ikaw naman, manonood ka. Parang full circle moment ba."

        Laurie nodded. "Okay, then I'll go. Thank you for not mentioning my dad, by the way, and for not asking if I'm okay."

        "Actually, itatanong ko pa lang," kunwaring nag-aalangang sabi ni Lee. Natawa ito nang matalim niya itong tiningnan. "Joke lang. Mukhang okay ka naman, saka mukhang ayaw mo pang pag-usapan. Willing to wait naman ako pero kung ayaw mo talaga, okay lang din. Basta ano, ipaalam mo lang sa 'kin."

        She bit her lip harder at the double entendre. It was another implicit request.

        Instead of commenting, Laurie kept her gaze on the painting. "Why are you here, by the way? Kung balak mo lang akong i-invite, nag-text ka na lang sana. You didn't have to go through the hassle. Binabawi mo na ba 'tong painting dahil sa sinabi ni Dad?"

        "Bakit ko naman babawiin?" Lee asked, smiling. "Pini-paint ko pa lang 'to, sa 'yo na 'to, e. Lagi namang sa 'yo 'to, Lau."

        That double entendre hit Laurie harder than the last. She felt her cheeks burn. Para ring may lumamukos sa sikmura niya. Sa kabila niyon, may kaunting kasiguraduhan na siyang naramdaman. The knots in her stomach weren't an effect of the coffee she drank. Hindi pa kasi siya nakapagkakape.

        Sa pagkakataong iyon, sigurado siyang iba na ang puno't dulo ng mga dinaramdam ng kaibuturan niya. Some would call it butterflies but Laurie would prefer saying Lee's name.#