❝It's impossible to give and receive love without having to yearn for it when it's lost.❞

— ❁ —

        LEE KNEW he's been lax lately. Tinamaan siya ng trangkaso dahil sa pagsama niya kina Jegs. He had to cancel his gig in Poblacion. Thankfully, Sandro was there. In-extend nito ang sariling set upang masalo ang kanya. Ilang segundo rin ng sermon ang inabot niya kay Charlotte. She only calmed down when she remembered that he got sick.

        Before closing his eyes, Lee opened Twitter. He posted an apology for cancelling on the gig on Poblacion. Sinabi niya rin kung bakit siya nag-cancel. Ang hindi lang niya inamin ay 'yong katotohanang si Laurie ang umudyok sa kanyang kumanta sa busking nina Jegs.

        Nakapikit na ang isang mata niya nang mag-vibrate ang phone niya. He accidentally clicked the notification. Only then did he get a clear look of the username.

        "@laurine_navarro1110 liked your tweet."

        Malakas siyang napasinghap. After recovering from the shock, he restarted his phone just to be sure he wasn't dreaming. He drank some water. Nang masimot ang baso, sinampal-sampal niya ang pisngi. Tatlong beses niyang ginawa iyon kahit masakit. Lalo rin niyong pinainit ang pakiramdam niya.

        After that, he turned his phone on.

        When Laurie's username popped again, he closed his eyes. Pinatong niya ang palad sa noo para damhin ang lagnat na natamo sa pagpapaulan.

        "Worth it naman pala," pabulong niyang sabi.

        Another notification appeared, almost giving him a heart attack. Saka lang siya nakahinga nang maluwang matapos makitang si Malie ang nag-chat.

Marianne Alison: disclaimer: i'm not a sasaeng HAHAHA
Marianne Alison: but where do you live?
Marianne Alison: nalaman kasi ni lauwie na may sakit ka hehe 👋😬
Marianne Alison: dadalhan sana kita ng food

        Feeling more and more lightheaded, he quickly sent his address. Nag-unat siya ng mga binti na parang pusang naghahandang matulog bago niya ibinagsak ang likod sa kama.

        Ginising si Lee ng tunog ng doorbell. He checked the time. Mag-aala-una na pala ng umaga. Patay naman iyong aircon pero lamig na lamig siya. He wrapped himself in the comforter. As he made his way to the door, he sniffed.

        "Pucha," bulong niya. Mukha kasing sinisipon na rin siya. The doorbell rang again. "Wait lang! May sakit 'yong tao, e. Sino ba 'yan?" He pulled the door open with all his might.

        It was Laurie.

        To say that he was surprised was an understatement. Naramdaman ni Lee ang lalong pag-init ng mga mata. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa doorknob. His head began reeling, too. It was probably the fever or the fact that he hadn't eaten anything since lunch.

        Concern was written all over Laurie's sharp features. Gayunpaman ay hindi ito umimik. Maluwang na napangiti si Lee. It just came as expected: the excruciating feeling of wanting to be hers again.

—

        THE SECOND Lee opened the door, Laurie wanted to cup his cheeks. Namumula kasi ang buong mukha nito pwera sa mga labi nitong maputla. He looked starved. As he weakly leaned against the doorway, the urge to cup his cheeks became stronger.

        "O," sabi ni Laurie, sabay abot ng plastic bag. Inside was a container. "I-reheat mo na lang. Microwaveable naman 'yan."

        Parang tuod lang na tumayo si Lee. Tatalikod at aalis na sana siya nang maramdaman niya ang nakapapaso nitong kamay sa palapulsuhan niya. He pulled her close. Before she could utter a complaint, he rested his chin on her left shoulder.

        "Ikaw nga talaga," buntonghininga nitong sabi. His usually smooth voice was raspy.

        Laurie felt chills run down her spine. Bahagya rin kasing kiniliti ng mainit nitong paghinga ang gilid ng leeg niya. "Hey," tudyo niya rito. "Umayos ka nga."

        Slowly, Lee backed away. He, then, held out his hand. Hinihingi yata nito iyong supot. Agad iyong ibinigay ni Laurie. In doing so, their fingertips slightly touched. They quickly let go but those few seconds were more than enough. Her breathing hitched. Sinikap na lang niyang 'wag ipahalata.

        Mapungay ang mga mata ni Lee. "Sorry, ano. . ." He pointed behind him with his thumb. Medyo madilim sa loob. "Gusto mo bang pumasok saglit? Studio lang naman 'to so promise, saglit lang 'yong tour."

        Laurie didn't feel like laughing at that joke. Nagsalubong pa ngang lalo ang mga kilay niya habang nakatitig sa pisngi ni Lee. "Okay," matipid niyang sagot.

        Lee replied with a lazy smile. Hinigpitan muna nito ang hawak sa comforter at saka, tumalikod. Laurie followed him, shutting the door behind her. On the orange "welcome" doormat, she left her stilettos. Nainis siya habang pinanonood ang mabagal na paghakbang ni Lee.

        Unang beses kasing nawalan siya ng pakialam kung sadya nitong pinababagal ang lahat.

        Humarap ito sa kanya at ngumiting muli. "Bedroom." He pointed at the right portion of the unit before facing the other side. "Dining area-slash-living room, ta's CR 'yong sa dulo."

        Other than the movie posters, art prints, stickers, and album covers plastered above the bed, the room lacked color. Sa katapat namang pader ng kama ay nakakabit ang TV. Ipinagkrus ni Laurie ang mga braso sa ibabaw ng dibdib.

        The place didn't really feel like the Lee she knew from college. It wasn't as noisy as before – his passion for things.

        Her eyes scanned the kitchen. Nang makita ang microwave, inagaw niya ang supot kay Lee. Bago pa ito makaalma ay hinila niya ito papunta sa kama. "Stay put," she told him as she forced him to sit.

        Lee didn't comment or question her despite his forehead wrinkling. Laurie went to the kitchen. Ipinatong niya ang bag sa counter at saka niya ipinusod ang maikling buhok gamit ang hair clip. Matapos initin ang dalang sabaw para kay Lee, humila siya ng upuan. She dragged it toward Lee's bed.

        She took her blazer off. Isinabit niya iyon sa sandalan bago siya umupo. "Here." Inabot niya rito ng kutsara at ang container. "I don't know if it tastes okay but you have to eat."

        He looked at her questioningly. "Ikaw ba nagluto?"

        It was a simple dish, really. Misua noodles lang naman iyon na may pirapirasong itlog at bok choy. It only took her 15 minutes to cook. Still, Lee ate it with gusto.

        "Sabi na, ikaw nagluto," nakangiti nitong sabi. "Masarap, e."

        "Really?"

        Binalak niyang agawin iyong container pero agad iyong iniwas ni Lee. "Akin 'to, 'di ba?"

        Sumimangot siya. "Mukhang okay ka naman na. I should go."

        "Ha? Hindi, a," parang bata nitong ungot. Pagkatapos, ibinaba nito ang sabaw sa katabing mesa. He laid on the bed again, yawned, and bat his lashes. "Feeling ko nga, mas lumala."

        Laurie glanced at her wristwatch. If she wanted to get her six hours of sleep, she should leave now. Maaga silang magbubukas ng café ni Malie. May schedule na kasi iyong shoot ng music video.

        Sumulyap siya kay Lee. Kaagad itong pumikit at nagkunwaring tulog. "Fine but sleep already. Mayamaya na ako aalis," deklara niya habang nakatitig sa mga pisngi nitong kulay rosas pa rin.

        Nang masigurong tulog na si Lee, kinuha niya iyong container. She got another spoon and tasted the soup. Wala iyong lasa. Mariin siyang napapikit nang maalala iyong chicken cube na nakalimutan niyang ilagay. Actually, Malie was supposed to help her. Suggestion din ng best friend niya na bigyan ng pagkain si Lee. Pa-"thank you" raw nilang dalawa dahil bumili sa café ang karamihan ng nanood sa busking.

        The soup was already bubbling when Malie had an emergency. Hindi nito nilinaw kung ano. Pero bago tuluyang makaalis, nagawa pa nitong i-forward ang address ni Lee. Napabuntonghininga na lang si Laurie.

        Just as she expected, Malie saw through her.

        Mariin siyang napalunok habang ibinubuhos ang natirang sabaw sa lababo. After that, she sat by his bed again.

        "You're such a liar," bulong niya sa natutulog na si Lee.

        Bahagya siyang kinabahan nang mapansin ang putol-putol nitong paghinga. She checked the time again. Nalagasan na siya ng isang oras, kababantay kay Lee. Sighing, she stood up to look for towels. Nang makakita ay binasa niya ang isa. Kumuha na rin siya ng palanggana.

        She carefully placed the wet towel on Lee's forehead. He shuddered slightly. Inulitulit niya ang pagdampi ng bimpo sa noo nito hanggang sumilip na ang araw sa shades. She glanced at the time again.

        All of her six hours were gone.

        Sighing in defeat, Laurie sat by the bed. She was careful not to wake him. Kinuha niya iyong bimpo. Pagkatapos niyon, nagdadalawang-isip niyang nilapat ang palad sa noo ni Lee. He just looked so peaceful as he slept.

        May bakas din ng pagkaliit-liit na ngiti sa mga labi nito. Mukhang 'di naman ito nasaktan nang lumapat ang balat niya sa noo nito. She felt relief but of course, that was cut short by guilt.

        Laurie bit the inside of her cheek. Taimtim niyang binilang ang mga segundo habang nakapatong ang palad kay Lee. After a minute or so, she heaved a sigh. He didn't feel so warm anymore.

        There was no excuse to stay. Uminit ang mga mata niya sa naisip kaya agad siyang nagpungas. Suminghot siya at huminga nang malalim. She wore her blazer again. Isinukbit niyang muli sa balikat ang bag.

        She carefully dragged the chair back to the dining area and took the plastic container. After that, she wore her stilettos. Muli niyang pinasadahan ng tingin ang unit. Halos wala siyang bakas na naiwan doon — maliban sa bimpong iniwan niya sa noo ni Lee.

        "Sorry." Laurie turned the door knob, biting her lip. "Aalis na naman ako nang walang paalam."

—

        THE SECOND Lee heard the door shut, he opened his eyes. Sunod-sunod ang ginawa niyang pagkurap. Wala namang talab iyon dahil nagsunod-sunod din ang pagdausdos ng mga luha niya. He grabbed the wet towel on his forehead before burying his face in his knees.

        All through the night, he wasn't completely asleep. Ganoon naman siya kapag may sakit siya. Nevertheless, he managed to sleep for a few hours. He peeked at Laurie whenever he woke up, only to find her fighting sleep.

        Tugging the necklace from under his sweater, Lee searched for his phone. Mag-aalas-otso pa lang pero paniguradong gising na ang Lola Pasing niya.

        "Hello, 'La?" Sinubukan niyang lunukin ang mga hikbi. "Goodmorning po."

        "Nagatangis ka man," bungad ng lola niya.

        Despite tears streaming down his face, he chuckled. Wala talagang nakaliligtas sa Lola Pasing niya. "Sinisipon lang 'ho. May busking po kasi kahapon tapos inulan kami. Napanood niyo po ba sa livestream? Na-send ko naman po 'yong link, 'di ba?"

        "Nano man? Bakit ka umiiyak, e, kay aga-aga?"

        "'Di nga po, 'La." He cleared his throat while hastily wiping his face. Nagmarka ang mga luha at uhog niya sa manggas niya. Napangiwi siya roon. "Sinisipon lang po."

        Nakarinig siya ng kaluskos sa kabilang linya. He overheard his grandmother talking to his uncle. Nagsabi yata itong lalabas muna. "Nganong problema, anak? Bakit ka umiiyak?"

        "Sipon nga lang po."

        "Hala, sa akun pa naglihim."

        Mahina siyang natawa. "Sabi po nga po, hindi na," he joked. "Wala naman na. Okay na po ako. Panaginip lang po."

        "Nano? Mag-uli ka kasi didi para diri mo napapanaginipan an iloy mo."

        "'Di naman sila Papa, 'La."

        "E, sino pala ina? Bakit ka nga umiiyak?"

        Sniffling, Lee finally noticed the basin of water by the foot of the bed. Tumulo na naman ang mga luha niya. "'Di ko po alam, e." Pumalatak si Lola Pasing sa kabilang linya. "'Di ko po talaga alam. Nakalimutan ko na po, e. Pa'no ko ikukuwento?"

        Hindi naman siya nagsisinungaling. He really didn't know why he was crying. If anything, he should be happy. Laurie was just inside his unit. Nakita, naapakan, at nahawakan nito ang mga naipundar niya. Gayunpaman ay hindi niya mapigilang makaramdam ng lungkot.

        Fiddling with his necklace, he stared at the welcome doormat. Kung gaano kasi kabilis dumating si Laurie, ganoon din itong nawalang parang bula. He heaved a sigh, slowly calming down. He decided to focus on the positive.

        Nagdesisyon siyang 'wag muna magpadala sa wala pa namang kasiguraduhan. After all, love and loss come together. It's impossible to give and receive love without having to yearn for it when it's lost.

        Malalim ang pinakawalang buntonghininga ni Lee. Still, he felt warm inside – warmer than his temperature the night before.#