❝It's how his decision to help made her feel shitty.❞

— ❁ —

        A LOVE song played in the background of the bus they rode in. Laurie thought Lee would arrive with their company van but she thought wrong. Maling-mali rin na ipinahiram niya kay Malie ang sasakyan. Tuloy ay nauwi sila sa pagko-commute.

        "Lau," pagtawag sa kanya ni Lee.

        Napaismid si Laurie. He's getting too comfortable with calling her like that – in that tone. Truth be told, she didn't really mind if he referred to her by her nickname.

        Pero iyong tono kasi nito ang problema.

        Ganoon ang tonong ginagamit nito tuwing manlalambing. May hindi ito inasikasong plate para lang masamahan siya sa Recto noon. They rode a bus that day, too. When Lee left to buy food, Laurie accidentally read a message from his blockmate, informing him about a late plate. She was fuming when he returned. Pero sa halip na awayin, halos kaladkarin niya pauwi ang boyfriend.

        Pagdating sa dorm nito ay siya mismo ang naghanda ng art materials.

        How he sacrificed his grade wasn't the reason she was pissed. It's how his decision to help made her feel shitty.

        Paulit-ulit naman kasi niyang sinabi na kaya niyang mag-commute mag-isa. But instead of listening, Lee tagged along. He had always been painfully thoughtful. Lagi tuloy nitong nakalilimutan ang sarili.

        "Lau," pag-uulit ni Lee.

        Tuluyan niya itong hinarap. "What?"

        Walang abiso nitong kinuha ang kamay niya. "Sabi ko, kumapit ka." Tumatawa nitong nilagay ang kamay niya roon sa bakal. "Sorry nga pala. May hinatid kasi 'yong road manager namin sa Elyu."

        Laurie leaned against the pole. "Aren't you hot?"

        "Ha?"

        Tinuro niya ang sariling mukha. "'Yong face mask mo."

        Lee crossed his arms. "Concerned ka ba, Lau?" he sounded cocky.

        "God, no. I just don't think there are college girls here." Muntik siyang mapangiti nang makitang nalukot ang noo nito. "'Yon 'yong demographic mo, 'di ba? College girls?"

        "Huh. Inaamin mo na bang na-in love ka sa 'kin no'ng napanood mo 'ko sa Battle of the Bands?"

        Laurie scoffed. "From talking about your face mask to that? Saan mo hinugot 'yan?"

        Lee always insisted that she fell in love with him during one of his performances. They used to argue about that. Pinagdidiinan din nitong siya ang naunang nahulog kahit ito naman ang nagprisintang manligaw.

        "Ikaw kasi nagsabi na part ng demographic ng audience ko ang college students," natatawa nitong paliwanag. "You were in college when we met so. . ."

        "Yeah, but I'm no longer in college. Hindi na gagana sa 'kin 'yan."

        Muli itong natawa nang mapahigpit ang kapit niya sa bakal. "Hawak ka lang d'yan. I'm right behind you," narinig niyang sabi nito.

        "Fuck," Laurie muttered when the bus suddenly braked.

        Muntik kasi siyang matumba kay Lee. He laughed again. Laurie was about to comment when she noticed their position. Iyong mga braso kasi nito, nakahawak sa sandalan ng mga upuang pumagigitna sa kanya. Nagmistulang bakuran si Lee palibot sa kanya.

        Laurie bit her lip. Sa tuwing pipreno kasi ang bus, tumatama ang ulo niya sa dibdib nito. Everytime the bus stopped, her breathing hitched, too. Rinig at dama kasi niya ang pagkabog ng dibdib ng lalaki.

        S'yempre, sinubukan niyang ilihis ang isip. That wasn't effective, though.

        The whole time, she regretted not booking a ride. Kung nag-book siya sa app, malamang ay hindi siya mahihirapang huminga sa loob ng halos isang oras. If she booked a ride, then she wouldn't feel like stabbing someone in frustration.

        Ang kaso, sumakto sila sa rush hour.

        "Dito na tayo," she heard Lee say 45 minutes later. "Wait lang," pigil nito sa kanya.

        "What now?"

        "Kuya, wait lang po, 'ha? Taas ng sapatos, e." Sinenyasan pa nito ang driver na tumawa lang bilang sagot. "Excuse lang, Lau," bulong nito sa kanya.

        Kunot-noo lang niya itong tiningnan.

        Nang tuluyang makababa ng bus, humawak ito roon sa bakal sa gilid at saka nito nilahad ang kaliwang kamay. Nakangiti ang mga mata nito nang tumunghay sa kanya. "My lady?"

        Caught off guard, she just stood there, tongue-tied. It was a dumb, pointless inside joke from before. Lee would jokingly say: "Shall we go, my lady?"

        Bilang sagot, ngingiti si Laurie. Hahawakan niya ang imaginary ball gown. After that, she would reply while curtsying: "Yes, we shall, my lord."

        It didn't really make sense but perhaps, it was supposed to be that way. Naging para sa kanila lang kasi iyon. It was something that others found weird. It was something for them alone.

        Laurie finally met his eyes. There were excitement sparkling in his. Guilt were written all over on hers. Gayunpaman, sinubukan niyang 'wag ipahalata. Sunod-sunod ang ginawa niyang paglunok.

        Lee raised his brows, encouraging her to take his hand. Narinig nila ang sarisaring kumento ng mga pasahero. Laurie looked at her watch, then at Lee. She lightly slapped his hand away.

        "That was too cheesy," she mumbled, scrunching her nose.

—

        "HMM, OKAY. I see the appeal," Charlotte told Lee the second Laurie left the office. "Chinita kahit medyo maliit. Sophisticated din, and she's professional like you said. Madali ring kausap. You know I like that in people."

        Bumuntonghininga si Lee. "Alam mo na pala?"

        "Not really. Medyo na-weird-an lang ako kung bakit do'n mo gustong mag-shoot, e, ang daming iba d'yan. It's also obvious with the way you act around each other."

        "Okay." Itinaas niya ang kanang kamay. "I promise 'di ko alam na kanya 'yong Cafuné."

        "Sure, pero lalo mong pinilit no'ng nalaman mong kanya 'yon, 'di ba?" Charlotte smiled widely when he couldn't retort. She, then, inhaled sharply before opening a drawer. "Anyway, this is mine now." Hinalikan pa nito ang kinuhang tseke. "Sabi mo, 'di ba, dagdagan ko 'yong full payment sa Cafuné kapalit ng next paycheck mo?"

        "Bakit mo pa pinakita sa 'kin?" he asked, both frustrated and amused.

        "I was giving you a chance to say goodbye," Charlotte explained while slowly tearing the paper. Pang-asar pa nitong iwinagayway sa harapan niya iyong mga punit na papel.

        Lee groaned in frustration before walking towards the door.

        "But hey, in all seriousness," he heard Charlotte say. "Sana 'di ka umaasang happy ending 'to. I won't ask you to move on, kasi ayoko nangingialam sa personal life mo pero. . . ayon. I suggest you abandon all hope."

        For the second time, he faced her. "E, pa'no kung ayaw ko?"

        His manager shrugged. "E, 'di ayaw mo. Like I said, I'm not forcing or asking you to do anything. Ang akin lang. . . sana protektahan mo rin sarili mo. Ayoko nang panoorin kang humahagulhol habang kumakain ng pad thai."

        Nagpamulsa siya. "'Di naman na mauulit 'yon."

        "Sana talaga, pati 'yong pagtawag mo sa 'kin at 4 AM nang umiiyak. Tsk." Charlotte raised a finger, counting, and then another. "I don't want you drinking and buying plane tickets again. As much as I joke around, hindi emotionally healthy 'yang ginagawa mong pagpapakamartir."

        Malawak siyang ngumiti. "Don't worry. Kaya ko sarili ko."

        "Tigas talaga ng ulo mo, 'no?" naiiling nitong sabi. "You have to acknowledge the possibility that this might not end well for both of you. Ang hirap kasi sa 'yo, hindi ka nakikinig, e. Sarado na yata isip mo pagdating kay Laurie."

        He wanted to correct her. Hindi lang naman kasi isip niya ang sarado. Sadyang tinatraydor siya ng sarili pagdating kay Laurie.

        His stomach grumbled. Hindi nga pala siya nakapag-almusal sa pagmamadali. Gayunpaman, hindi niya pinansin iyon. Before Charlotte could nag him about eating properly, he pulled the glass doors open.

        "My gosh, pasaan ka na naman ba? Dadaan ka ba sa studio?" he heard her ask.

        "Nope, magkakape lang ako," Lee said with a small wistful smile.

        Charlotte just exasperatedly sighed. Pagod na yata itong mangaral. "Fine. 'Wag mo nga palang kalimutan 'yong sa Maginhawa on Saturday. Alam kong chummy-chummy kayo no'ng may-ari, but please be early."

        He just smiled and waved goodbye. There was just no point in staying. He already heard the whole spiel – all versions of it.

        Basta na lang iniisip ng mga napagkuwentuhan niya ng backstory ng "Iyo" na kaya niyang pigilin ang mga nararamdaman para kay Laurie. And it's not that he didn't want to move on.

        He just couldn't so he gave up. Kada susubukan din niyang sumulat ng kanta, lagi siyang bumabalik kay Laurie. Eventually, he decided to stop trying to write, too. Wala naman kasi siyang bagong pakiramdam.

        Ayaw din naman niyang ulitin iyong sa "Iyo". That was ages ago.

        The elevator doors opened. Naalala na naman niya iyong mukha ni Laurie kanina bago sumara ang mga iyon. She mumbled a "thank you" and an apology. The former was probably for the deal. Hindi niya alam kung para saan ang paghingi nito ng tawad.

        Laurie seemed to be apologizing for something she did that he wasn't aware of. Muntik siyang magtanong. Muntik tuloy siyang lumabag sa kasunduan nilang maging professional habang may project pa ang Cafuné at R/C Records.

—

        FOR THE record, Laurie seldom believes in things. She counted the number of chimes hanging by door for the third time. Kulang talaga. Wala naman sa labas ng pinto iyong dalawang piraso ng bakal na nawawala. Iritable siyang napapikit.

        It just sounded ugly. Pinabasbasan pa naman nila iyon sa Quiapo at Binondo.

        She nibbled on the thin plastic of the ice pop Malie bought, then swiftly turned to the coffee bar. Lalo siyang napasimangot. Pinag-day off nga pala niya ang best friend.

        Sinimot ni Laurie ang kagat-kagat na ice pop habang pinanunuod ang babae sa counter. Apparently, while she was at Theo's studio, a college student inquired about a part-time job. Malie kept apologizing. Naantig daw kasi ang puso nito sa pagmamakaawa ng babae.

        Laurie wanted to call bullshit but Malie already hired Cheska. May kung ano pa rin namang tumitibok sa dibdib niya. Tinapon niya ang plastic ng ice pop sa labas. Pagkatapos, umupo siya roon sa kongkreto.

        Bigla siyang nagsisi sa desisyong piliting mag-day off si Malie. Wala kasi siyang makausap.

        No, that wasn't right. Malie's the only one who talks. Nang hindi makatiis, kinuha niya ang phone mula sa bulsa ng high-waisted pencil skirt.

        A notification popped.

malie 🎀 : chat kita later hehe imma just watch a crime docu <33

        "Ayaw palang mag-day off, a," she mumbled to herself, smiling.

        Laurie was in the middle of people-watching when the thought of Lee sprung out of nowhere. Before typing, she looked around. Nilingon din niya si Cheska sa loob ng café. It was as if she did something ethically and morally wrong.

        Napag-alaman niyang "Simeon Lee" ang gamit nitong stage name. The first search result was a Young Star article dated last year, making Laurie scrunch her nose. She wasn't annoyed that her ex seems to be doing well.

        What annoyed her was that a part of her felt proud. Hindi kasi p'wede.

        Napaismid siya. Nang hindi makuntento sa nabasa, dinagdagan niya ng "rumored girlfriend" ang search bar. A recent article from a gossip site appeared. She quickly skimmed it, looking for a name, but there wasn't any.

        "Busy-ng busy, 'ha?"

        Malakas na napasinghap si Laurie. After regaining her composure, she stood up, cleared her throat, then faced her brother. "Why are you here? Don't sneak up on me like that." Sinimangutan niya ang kapatid bago siya dire-diretsong pumasok sa café.

        He caught up with her. "How would you hear my car approaching? Sobrang focused mo kaya sa binabasa mo. Si Theo ba kausap mo?"

        "I haven't heard from him since last week." Laurie sat by the coffee bar. She glanced at Cheska who was punching numbers in the register.

        "Ay, wala pala si Malie," her twin stated as he settled beside her. He looked at her weirdly. "Wow, you must be really bored without Malie."

        She raised a brow. "What?"

        "Nothing," he answered with a cheeky grin. "Anyway, can you please call Theo for me? Baka kasi nagtatampo. Nag-aayang mag-jogging, e, ang dami kong pending sa office."

        Bumuntonghininga muna siya bago ito pagbigyan. "Can't you call him on Messenger?"

        "I think he blocked me, o baka 'di lang talaga nag-oonline."

        Napatawa siya nang mahina. "You're very annoying so I get why he would do that." Hinarap niya kay Stefan ang phone para ipakita ang "ringing" sa screen. "Wala ka bang load?"

        Nagkibitbalikat ito. "People call me, I don't call them."

        Laurie shot him a look. "Ah, to be you," she told him sarcastically.

        "Ano? Hindi ba sumasagot?"

        "Do you see me talking to Theo right now?"

        Umismid si Stefan. "Nagtatanong lang ako, e," ungot nito bago bumaling kay Cheska. "Miss, one strawberry chocolate cake slice and one Americano please."

        Pipigilan sana ni Laurie si Cheska sa paghahanda ng order ni Stefan kaso, naalala niyang bago lang ito. It wouldn't be right to give her a hard time. Besides, Malie already told Laurie off about involving people in her complicated relationship with her family.

        "By any chance, do you know if she's single?" Stefan whispered.

        Laurie scoffed. Nilapag niya ang phone sa ibabaw ng counter at saka niya sinipa ang binti nito.

        Mahinang napadaing si Stefan, pinigilan nito ang paglakas ng boses. "I was just asking!" he mumbled while massaging his leg.

        "I'm not losing any of my staff to you again," she told him coldly. "If you're planning to wait for Theo, it's fine. 'Wag mo lang ako kakausapin o si Cheska."

        "Okay." Stefan stroked his chin, then squinted his eyes. "So p'wede 'yong customers?"

        "Fuck off," Laurie replied with disgust all over her face.

        "By the way, nakita ko 'yong post ni Mal. Nag-try kayo ng eclairs?" Tumusok ito sa cake na kalalapag lang ni Cheska. "If there are some left, I'd like to try them."

        She handed Cheska her thermos from her bag. "We made five batches. There were problems so we ended up wasting ingredients again. Hindi umalsa 'yong three batches. Malie was so frustrated so I told her to have her day off."

        "Aw, that's too bad. Kapag may filling talaga, 'di nagwo-work minsan."

        "Tell me why you did what you did last time again."

        "What?" pagmamaangmaangan nito. "Nagkataon lang 'yon. I didn't notice him."

        Laurie scowled at him.

        "Miss Laurie, ito na po 'yong Americano mo," nag-aalangang sabi ni Cheska.

        "Thanks," wala sa sarili niyang sabi. "Next time, 'Laurie' na lang."

        Tumango lang ang babae at ngumiti.

        Nakaalis na si Stefan nang muling tumunog ang pinto. The door chimes just sounded off with two notes missing. Nakaramdam na naman tuloy ng pagkairita si Laurie. Binalak niyang alisin iyon kaya lang, baka magulat si Cheska tuwing may lalapit sa coffee bar.

        "Ano 'yon? Bakit kulang?"

        Mariing napapikit si Laurie. Still, she forced a smile. "Goodmorning and welcome to Cafuné," she greeted Lee.

—

        LEE GRINNED underneath his face mask. Unang beses kasi siyang binati ni Laurie. "If you want to order dessert, just tell Cheska. We don't have any more cakes, though. Day-off kasi ni Malie."

        "Ha-ha, I know." Nilabas niya ang phone. Nang mahanap ang chat conversation nila ni Malie sa personal account niya, ipinakita niya ang screen kay Laurie. "Ako kaya nag-recommend sa kanya no'ng docu series na bini-binge niya ngayon."

        "Since when are you close?" kunot-noo nitong tanong.

        "Hmm." Umupo siya sa isa sa mga stool. "After mong mag-confirm, I guess? Pero 'di ko masasabing close kami. Minsan kasi, tini-threaten niya ako kahit na sinabi ko nang magiging professional ako."

        "I guess that's Malie for you," Laurie said with a chuckle. Mabilis itong umiwas ng tingin at tumikhim.

        Umingay ang door chimes. Sabay silang napalingon sa pintuan. Nang bumalik ang mga mata niya kay Laurie, napansin niya ang pagkunot ng noo nito. She looked bothered.

        "Kung na sa 'yo pa 'yong natanggal na bakal, p'wede kong ikabit."

        "Tingin mo ba, 'di ko naisip 'yan?" Lee just shrugged. Kahit ilang beses siguro siyang barahin ni Laurie, okay lang. At least, they were on speaking terms. "I can't find them anywhere."

        "E, 'di bumili ka na lang ng bago?"

        Mabagal itong umiling. "It's priceless. 'Yan 'yong unang ornament na binili namin para dito kaya pinabasbasan namin sa Quiapo saka sa Binondo."

        Lee audibly gasped. Laurie's brows knitted. "Naniniwala ka pa rin sa feng shui, 'no?"

        While sipping her coffee, she stared at him. "I have to believe in something."

        P'wede naman sa 'kin, he wanted to say. But because it was their first calm conversation, he held back. Bukod sa sayang iyong kawalan ng tensyon, takot din kasi siya sa magiging sagot ni Laurie kung sakali.

        Just what if she says she can't believe in him? Or worse, what if she says she chooses not to?

        "Anyway—" His thoughts were interrupted by Laurie, clearing her throat. "—is that all? May order ka ba o mas gusto mong himayin natin 'yong mga pinaniniwalaan ko?"

        Natin daw. Wala sa sarili siyang napangiti.

        Laurie didn't really ask for his help regarding the door chimes. Wala namang humiling sa kanya. He simply wanted to. Halata kasi ang inis nito sa kung paano ito napapipikit. And so, he ended up buying new ones on Saturday.

        He found himself strolling in Binondo, too. Mabuti na lang at hindi siya kinuwestiyon pa ni Junnie.

        Tanaw na ni Lee iyong simbahan nang tumunog ang phone niya. Bagaman siksikan, sinikap niyang sagutin ang tawag. "Hello?"

        "Where are you?" bungad ni Charlotte. Medyo maingay sa kabilang linya. She must have been already at the bar in Maginhawa. "I told you to be here at four. Sabi ni Junnie, nagpahatid ka sa Binondo. Ano, magsisimba ka ba? Are you even Buddhist?"

        "Ha?" Habang lumalakad, nilipat niya ang phone sa kabilang tainga. "Nope, may pinabasbasan lang ako. Mamaya pa naman set ko, 'di ba?"

        "I told you to be here early," pag-uulit nito. "A band backed out last minute. The event already started late pero 'yong ibang performers, late din makakarating. Please tell me you'll be here in 45 minutes." He sighed. That made Charlotte curse. "I reminded you a hundred times, Lee. Ano bang ginagawa mo d'yan?"

        "I'm sorry. May pinabasbasan lang ako. Kaya ko namang humabol ng mga 6:30."

        "Is this Laurie-related?" Lee refused to say but that was more than enough for Charlotte. "Okay, don't bother coming here. Tatapusin na lang daw nang maaga. We'll talk, okay? Bye."

        Lee ran his fingers through his hair. Sumulyap siyang muli sa simbahan. There was a long queue of devotees. He went anyway. Gustuhin man niyang alalahanin ang paparating na sermon ng manager, mas inaalala niya ang magiging reaksyon ni Laurie sa oras na ibigay niya ang door chimes.

        Lee believed she'll smile wider this time. Baka tumawa rin ito nang 'di tumitikhim pagkatapos.#