Warning ⚠️: This book contains graphic content. Viewer discretion is advised.

"David was my... Friend... At The Monarch. He kept me safe from the harsh experiments. He even kept me out of the cells and gave me what closely resembled a room. He brought me stuff to decorate my room even... He was good to me." Esther eyed Joelee closely for a reaction but no flash of jealousy or rage at how she had been treated flashed over her face. On the contrary... She almost seemed... Happy?

She gave Esther a smile as the woman spoke, seeming surprisingly relieved by Esther's words.

"You're not mad? Why are you smiling?" Esther asked with wide eyes, staring at her friend like she was an alien. She had expected backlash or anger for the fact that she wasn't caged like an animal like almost every person in the facility had been.

"I'm glad you were treated well. He may be a scientist but that doesn't immediately make him bad. He treated you like a person and honestly... That's more than I could've asked for. I don't wish bad things on you, Esther. I'm happy because you made a friend within the facility that treated you good. I'm happy your stay wasn't a complete and utter PTSD inducing nightmare." There was not an ounce of spite in Joelee's voice when she spoke but Esther still felt guilty.

"Well... He was more than a friend." Esther muttered with an embarrassed expression but Joelee still didn't bat an eye, she smirked at Esther and scooted closer to her friend.

"Well I mean he is pretty cute. I don't blame you there. When did that happen?" Esther stared at Joelee, shocked at the fact that Joelee was acting like they were highschool friends gossiping about a boy rather than talking about a scientist at a facility that dealt in human experimentation.

"This is weird." Esther said which made Joelee laugh quietly before shaking her head.

"I just want to know more. Obviously you like him so why would I judge you?" Joelee questioned causing Esther to immediately narrow her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Because you're friends with Kent and you know he likes me. You know he was planning on asking me out before we got kidnapped." Esther snapped a bit more harshly than she was intending but she didn't care at the moment. This was weird... Too weird. Nobody would handle this kind of news this calmly.

"Look that was four years ago and I know it'll hurt Kent but you're not rejecting his friendship entirely so... As long as we're all here to make sure he knows it's not personal and we can all still be friends then I don't see it as a problem. Plus... You can't control who you love." Esther's face immediately fell as she took in what Joelee was saying, realizing just how much her friend had matured in the years they hadn't seen each other.

It was almost... Scary... And somewhat bittersweet. She wished she had gotten to be there through the process to see the change in person rather than it all crashing down at one time.

"How long have you two been dating then?" Joelee asked which caused Esther's cheeks to flare red as Joelee wiggled her eyebrow caterpillars at her.

"We've been married for about two years now." Joelee's eyes widened as she stared at Esther in shock, mouth opening closing as she struggled to figure out what to say.

"But you probably already knew that. You're a mind reader after all." Esther scoffed at Joelee's reaction, side eyeing the blonde when she immediately shook her head no at Esther's words.

"I've been working on controlling that for weeks. I found that I can focus on one mind and tune the rest out so I've been using Sam because they don't have very many deep dark secrets that they want to hide from me... Well... Not those kind. But it's making it easier. I still have background thoughts constantly and I can't shut it off entirely but it's better than constant jumbling all the time.... Even though Sam's thoughts are basically that anyway." Joelee explained awkwardly which didn't seem to calm Esther's fears very much.

"But you can still somewhat hear my thoughts then?" Esther deadpanned which a rather annoyed expression but Joelee once again shook her head no as she took a deep breath to try and figure out how to explain it better.

"So... It's more like... You know how sometimes someone's talking to you right in front of your face and you can hear that they're talking but not understand a single word they're saying because you're listening to the juicy gossip behind you? That's how it works. But it's more like I'm at a party and everyone is talking, screaming, and singing at one time but I can only focus on that one juicy bit of conversation. Does that make sense?" Joelee tinted her head to the side as she began to rub her thumb over the side of her index finger rather nervously, hoping that Esther understood so she wouldn't have to wrack her brain for a better explanation.

"I get it but I lost interest in what you were saying like halfway through the conversation." Esther said which made Joelee laugh quietly much to her surprise.

"It's like that. You know I'm talking but have no idea what I said." Joelee smirked as Esther nodded rather seriously, scratching her head before she went silent to process the new information.

"So? Let's here it. You gonna go on a long tangent about why I shouldn't of married a man significantly older than me fresh after turning eighteen?" Esther muttered as she crossed her arms over her chest, giving her friend an accusing glare but Joelee simply smiled.

"No, I'm just upset that you didn't invite me. Was there cake?" Joelee eyed Esther rather seriously which made Esther laugh at the sheer stupidity of this conversation. 

"Yes. There was cake. You're not making me feel any better. Not everyone will react the way you're reacting." Esther muttered as she buried her face into her hands to try to stop the sudden rush of negative thoughts flooding through her head.

"Probably not. But it's your life... Nobody else gets to say how you live it." Joelee said which made Esther frown as she slowly lifted her head to look at Joelee instead, seeming to be annoyed by Joelee's words rather than comforted.

"But yet you live your life based on other people. You don't wear shorts or short sleeved shirts because of Doyle. You don't allow yourself to be touched most of the time because of Doyle and that one dude from when you were a kid. You don't allow yourself to see that your best friend is completely in love with you because you still love Nathan. You chose black for your door because red was already taken by a literal child and they said they didn't want to match. You can't tell me that nobody gets a say when everyone does. Everyone will try to make my life their business." Esther snapped as she glared harshly at Joelee who flinched at the mention of Doyle and her childhood but she immediately put on an emotionless face as Esther continued.

"Just because I do doesn't mean you have to. I'm telling you what I wish I was strong enough to do. Be your own person, don't let fear control you like it does me. I push it aside sometimes for the benefit of other people but in the end, yes I do let my fear rule my life. But that doesn't mean you have to. You love David... Nobody can fault you for being in love with a man who treated you good even at the cost of his life and research at the facility. If you talk to Kent first and make sure you let him down gently then I'm sure it'll be easier from there... I won't mention this conversation to anyone else, though. This stays between us even when you reveal the truth." Joelee assured her firmly which caused Esther's glare to falter as she instead looked away, surprisingly moved by the younger woman's words as she thought over what she had said.

"What if I lose everything I love because of the truth?" Esther whispered which caused Joelee to flinch as she realized how closely those words struck to her own thoughts but she pushed it away as she placed a hand on Esther's arm, struggling not to immediately pull away as Esther turned to look at where her arm lay under Joelee's hand.

"You won't. I won't let that happen. I'll defend you if I have to. There's nothing wrong with being in love." Joelee assured her which caused Esther to sigh heavily as she bit back a bitter response before she decided to say it anyway.

"Except in your case?" Esther muttered but Joelee didn't pull away much to her surprise as she instead gave a small sad smile.

"Yeah. Except in my case." Joelee's answer had not been what Esther had expected. She expected backlash or anger... She almost felt bad seeing the pain in Joelee's glowing eyes before the emotion was gone and replaced by a reassurance instead.

"Thank you, Joe." Esther put her hand over Joelee's, returning the small smile as she began to think over their conversation for a moment before she continued.

"I'll talk to Kent tomorrow." Esther continued as she gently removed her hand from Joelee's who slowly took hers back as well.

"You think you'll be able to sleep now?" Joelee questioned which caused Esther to hesitate as she debated telling her the full truth before she shook it off.

"Yeah. Thank you." Esther nodded after a moment, realizing just how tired she felt now that she had gotten some of the weight off of her chest.

"Have a good night, Esther. If you need me... You know where to find me." Esther watched as Joelee rose from the bed before she began to walk towards the door, Esther hesitantly following before Joelee stopped in the hallway for a moment.

"Wait, who's in love with me?" Joelee asked which made Esther roll her eyes as she sighed heavily before closing the door a bit.

"If you don't know then you're hopeless." Esther muttered before shutting and locking the door behind Joelee who just stood there with a confused look on her face.

She's right. You are.

Joelee growled in frustration before making her way to the door next to Esther's where she heard Connor pacing before he walked closer to what she assumed was his window and the pacing stopped.

Joelee knocked gently on his door, knowing the sound startled him when he immediately turned to face the door, his feet shuffling alerting her to all of his movements.

"Who is it?" Connor called tentatively but made no move towards the door as his breath became baited as though he expected the worst.

"It's Joe. Can I come in?" Joelee replied in a much quieter voice but she knew he heard her as he released a soft sigh of relief.

"One second." Connor shuffled towards the door, hesitating for a moment before the sound of fabric met her ears and the door unlocked.

"Sorry I had to put on a shirt. It's hot in here, so I wasn't... Wearing one. I don't know why I told you that." Connor said after he opened the door, his face red as he rubbed his neck awkwardly.

"You're fine. Is everything okay?" Joelee questioned as she tilted her head to the side, noticing how tired and pale he looked which caused a sigh to escape Connor's lips as he immediately looked down at the floor instead.

"Just... Memories. I don't really remember a lot from my past but when I try to sleep they all start to flood back in jumbles. They're out of order and confusing like a real dream but I somehow know they're real." Connor admitted after a moment which caused Joelee to stiffen as her mind went to how similar what he was saying really was. But the difference for her was she could remember every single detail of what had happened to her down to the smells and minuscule details whereas Connor was left with trying to piece the puzzle together without knowing what the puzzle was even supposed to look like in the end.

"I understand where you're coming from... Side note before we continue... Do you even need to sleep?" Joelee questioned as Connor allowed her to step into the room, noticing the slight smirk at her words as she passed.

"Yeah. I do. Some of me is still human with a lot of upgrades." Connor's words caused Joelee to smirk as she looked down for a moment before wiggling her eyebrows caterpillars at him but he didn't seem embarrassed as he laughed.

"That too. Yes. Did I wake you? I didn't realize I was being loud." Connor quickly changed the subject to salvage the PG 13 rating of this story, causing Joelee's smile to falter for a moment before she shook her head no.

"I was already awake. Same reason as you. Memories aren't always good ones." Joelee said as she sat on his bed, noticing that he looked a little uncomfortable with a girl sitting on his bed but he said nothing about it as he sat beside her.

"Yeah... I remember what I did over the past two years but most of it is... Blurry. I know I need to remember but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when I do." Connor admitted after a moment, nervously messing with the much longer shock of silver on the top of his head as he fell into his self deprecating thoughts.

"You're still just a kid too, Connor. You know that, right? We may be adults but we were robbed of our childhoods... Our dreams... Any future we may have wanted to have before. It's not your fault. No matter what, don't let your guilt consume you because you were not in control. I know it's hard but if you let yourself go down that hole of self hate then you'll never come back out." Joelee looked away, not being able to keep his eye contact as she knew that she was being a hypocrite. She had already dug, entered, and buried herself back up in that hole and there was no way she could climb back out by herself now.

"I've killed people, Joe. I've torn families apart... Including my own. My aunt cherished Derek... He may be alive but she doesn't know that! He is her oldest child! She loves him more than she has ever loved anything and I robbed her of seeing him grow up. I'm truly and completely a monster." Connor covered his face with his hands to hide the tears that were pricking his eyes. He loved his family more than anything and going back to see them always hurt. He had never known why he felt so guilty until now.

It was all his fault that all of his reunions were quiet and empty. Everyone had to walk on eggshells around his aunt because even the mere mention of her son made her break down.

"Hey, I know. Believe me, I know. But you didn't mean to. I don't blame you and Derek doesn't either. We've all forgiven you for what you did. They were controlling you. You're a victim too. Whatever you did... Just know it was The Monarch. Not you. You didn't willingly do anything that you did." Joelee placed a hand on his back as she scooted closer, wincing when he laid his head on her shoulder but she didn't pull away as he sighed quietly.

"You shouldn't have forgiven me. I don't even remember the full extent of what I need to be forgiven for. I need to know who I've hurt so I can try to make it right. I just don't know what to do..." Connor whispered as tears ran down his face, thankful when Joelee wrapped her short little arms tightly around his shoulders as she gave a reassuring squeeze.

He knew how hard this was for her but it meant everything that she was willing to comfort him like this.

"I'll talk to Killian about making something to help you remember. But it may take awhile." Joelee gently rubbed his shoulder close to his neck as she looked down at the top of his head, resisting the urge to sneeze when his hair went up her nose.

"I want to know. I remembered a girl... I don't know her at all but the betrayal in her eyes and the way she said my name... It's haunting me. I've had dreams about her before... I think... I think I was in love with her. I need to remember her. I need to find her and find out what I did to hurt her." Connor said which made Joelee frown as she wracked her brain for any information about seeing him with a girl.

"You should call your parents tomorrow. Ask about her. See if they know anything. I know this is hard but we'll help you get through this. Don't let yourself hurt like this over something you couldn't control. You're better than them. They're the ones to blame. They did this to us." Connor winced as her grip tightened for a moment but she immediately relaxed her hold when he snapped her out of it by reacting.

"Sorry... Here I am trying to comfort you and I hurt you instead." Joelee tucked her head on top of his, ignoring the strong smell of moisturizers in his hair as she allowed him to relax against her. She knew that this was important for him. He hadn't been treated like a human being in so long that this kind of reassurance was foreign yet so necessary for him.

"You'd be a good mom, Joe." Joelee immediately stiffened and pulled away at his words, narrowing her eyes as she quickly shook her head.

"Not gonna happen." She growled before quickly forcing away her thoughts as she patted his arm.

"Sorry again. I know this is hard but get some sleep. I'll talk to Killian tomorrow about helping out... But in the meantime I have some nighttime gummies that helped the younger kids sleep through their nightmares if you want some. But warning... I'm told they give you some weird dreams." Joelee gave him a smile that he could tell was forced but he didn't want to pry as he instead gave a nod before returning her smile.

"I'll take weird dreams over self hatred anytime." Connor joked but she didn't look amused as she turned to go get his gummies from the bathroom down the hall.

Joelee thought over what he had said, wondering why exactly he'd brought up her being a good mother. It was weird to her that he'd mentioned that when all she was doing was what a good human being would do for a friend.

Not many would though.

"Yeah, well... I'd rather be the only one here not getting enough rest because of their past. Plus... These don't work on me." Joelee muttered to the ceiling before grabbing the gummies and making her way back to his room where she handed him the bottle.

"Take two and get some rest. We have a long day ahead of us." Joelee said as she watched him closely to make sure he only took two before she turned to make her way out of the room.

"Thank you, Joe. I know you've been through a lot but it means everything that you're still taking the time to care. I see you." Connor's words brought tears to her eyes but she said nothing as she closed the door behind herself, making her way down the stairs as she allowed the tears to flow freely now.

She was so tired... Not just physically.... But emotionally. It felt like everything she was doing would never be enough and to her... It wouldn't be. Her bones and head ached constantly from the lack of sleep and her having to constantly fight against her instincts.

It was like she had a monster just under the surface constantly trying to force its way out so she had to constantly be on guard.

There were nights where she felt as though the others would be safer just locking her in a cell rather than allowing her the comforts of her own bed but she didn't want to worry them so she never said anything.

Her memories constantly messed with her day to day life, sending her into a spiral of self hate of whether or not she could ever even attempt a normal life...

So the self hate brewed constantly as she hated herself for feeling like she should just get it over with and end it.

But with the constant self battle and the constant noise in her head driving her into madness she felt as if maybe... She would get some rest that way.

Maybe... They'd be better off without her.

Joelee sighed as she sat outside of the apartment, looking up at the stars as the tears flowed quickly down her now red cheeks.

The air was a bitter cold but she barely even noticed aside from her breath billowing through the air every time she breathed.

She hated feeling so hollow and empty... She hated feeling so alone.

"I'll never let anyone feel this way... I can't." She whispered though she knew nobody could hear her but that didn't matter. It was a promise to herself... She didn't want anyone to hear her. She didn't think she deserved feeling any better than she did now.

Not after all she had done. Not after all she had been through.

Joelee wiped her eyes as she suddenly caught Esther's scent from where she was sitting outside her window. She had definitely been here about thirty minutes ago but she could tell someone else had been here too... But she couldn't completely recognize the second person though she knew she had met them before.

"Who were you talking to, Esther?" Joelee mumbled to herself, eyes still glowing in the dim light of the crescent moon as she turned her attention back to the sky.

"If you're out there, Nathan... I hope you're okay. I hope you're sleeping good... I hope you find what you're looking for." The tears fell once again as she brushed off the situation with Esther.

She knew if Esther wanted her to know what had happened here tonight that she would've told her so she wouldn't pry. Not yet. She knew they weren't in any danger so she would stay out here for now.

She just... Needed to be alone.

Joelee shook her head as she pulled the hood of the long sleeved shirt over her head as she began to walk, not caring that she was barefoot as she made her way down the long streets of the city.

The police sirens were a sound that she had gotten used to over her stay here... It was like they never stopped. Someone was always hurting another person here.

Joelee hesitated as the flashing lights of a police car alerted her to a very tall, cloaked, male who's obsidian skin reflected the lights of the police car.

"Good job, Obsidian. I don't know what I'd do without your help." A rather short, ginger cop smiled up at the much taller male who gave a single firm nod.

"There's another one with abilities that got away. Make sure that one goes to the high security cell or he'll be able to get out. Seems like his ability is fire or something." Obsidian's deep voice caused Joelee's blood to run cold as she realized the man in the back of the police was definitely a metahuman if what Obsidian was saying was correct.

"We'll keep the next cell warm for the other one." Was the last thing Joelee heard from the police officer before she turned and ran back towards her apartment, knowing she needed to write down as much information as she could and do research until the others woke up.

There was more metas loose on the city... Oscar was right.