My loneliness takes me hostage

It takes me and puts me in the darkness

I do not fear nor will ever fear the dark

But I do fear what lays in wait

I fear for the hands that have been to close

I fear for the words that cut just a little too deep

I fear for the stares of onlookers that have too much to say to me

I fear this all because of my loneliness

Loneliness brings many friends with its self

It brings whoever is willing to come with

Which mean it is not alone

It is not alone like me

I am not antisocial or crazy

I just prefer to keep my distance

I just prefer to keep to myself

For I have tired with others

And it has always ended with a casualty

That was always on my part

I want to be with others

But the constant fear of hearing my heart break

Haunts me

It keeps me awake at the nighttime hours

It holds me close

Loneliness either comes on its own or with a friend

It's either the first to arrive or the last to leave

I am not but only a person

Who's heart is just to fragile to hand over

To broken to put back together

My loneliness stems from what people call trauma

Trauma,

Oh so sweet trauma

This is a friend who stays

Who stays so close

Who gets into your head

And becomes your closest friend

Trauma by the definition is

a deeply distressing or disturbing experience

Which doesn't have to be as big as people make it out to be

Trauma comes from you experiences

Comes from your soul

It comes when bruises can't be shown on the outside

And my trauma has lead me to keep at arms length

For if they get too close

Their hands will linger in my skin like a disease

It will itch like a rash

It will bring loneliness to my party

My trauma keeps my mouth shut and my actions pleasing

For if I am not perfect

I am nothing

The words will linger in my head like a record on repeat

It will burn like I am in flames

It will cut me till I bleed

My Loneliness comes from my trauma

I can not stop these actions

Nor do I have the will to

Because even if I did

I would have no one to keep loneliness from coming back