"Kathryn, I made your favorite dinner, and you're not eating. Are you alright?"

John and Alex are both staring intensely at me while I toy with a plate of mashed potatoes and chicken. I would eat- it is one of my favorites- but my nerves are shot. If I eat anything, the butterflies that live in my stomach are going to push it right back up again.

"I'm fine," I manage, the words choked out. My throat is tight, and everything is swimming in front of me. If I hadn't gone through my before-show stress before, I'd be panicked that I was going through some medical condition.

"Oh my God, Alex, do you think she's developing an eating disorder?" John looks so concerned that I have to laugh.

"No, Daddy, I'm fine. It's just nerves," I explain. "If I eat before a show, I get sick."

"Well, I'm going to send you with some food in your bag. Try to eat something, please." John heads back into the kitchen.

Alex laughs. "Are you excited?" He's all dressed up in one of his nice suits, not one he wears to work every day. This is a formal one, the kind that you have to hang in a special bag and iron before you even think about wearing.

"Yeah. Really, really, really nervous, though." I still have to brush my hair and finish packing my dance bag. My costume is waiting at the school.

"I understand. You're going to be alright at school for about an hour, right?" The ballet starts at seven, but I have to be there at five. Alex and John are going out for dinner together before the show.

"I'll be fine, Dad." I hug him, and then jump up to go get my bag and jacket. This is a nerve-wracking day for me. My first opening on pointe. In the hallway, I practice one more time. Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch. Again! I can't mess this up.

**********

"And, I fold." Annmarie drops a handful of M-n-M's into the center of the pillowcase. The rainbow-colored candy rains down amidst tiny cookies, Goldfish crackers, and Hot Fries.

Lauren laughs. "I've got an ace! The Hershey kisses are mine!"

Klara flops onto her back. "You cheated."

I'm sitting and playing Snack Poker with my fellow fairies. Annmarie, the Spring Fairy, is in her light green tutu with the pink silk flowers winding up it, munching idly on a RedVine. Lauren has a teal-green dress as the Summer Fairy, which matches the streaks in her dark hair. Klara is incredibly pale, which means she looks perfect in her light blue Winter Fairy costume.

When John said he would send me with some food, I didn't realize he meant the entire contents of a convenience store. Bags of chips, candy, everything he doesn't usually buy, are now all stuffed in my duffel bag. Food means I have the ultimate currency of backstage life- besides wifi.

Lauren sweeps the pile of snacks towards her. "I'm the supreme winner- but maybe I'll share with all of you." She throws a single Hot Fry, and it hits Annmarie on the nose. "A gift, peasant, from your queen."

Klara snatches a handful of Goldfish. "Never underestimate a peasant."

I take the giant chocolate chip cookie and hand half to Annmarie. "Little people grow- tough luck, mon ami."

Chad, our dance master, stalks backstage to us. "Fairies, get ready."

I tighten the ribbon on my left shoe, then do the awkward pointe-shoe run into the left wing, where I'll make my entrance. Annmarie leaps on, spinning and tucking in and whipping out. The music is cheerful and light, very like the flowers of the spring she portrays. I watch, entranced, as the lights of the stage turn very pale green.

Lauren is on next, and the lights shift half to blue. She is wild and bright, moving allegro and never holding still. Her dance is like a butterfly- like the ones in my stomach that are having a conniption at the moment. The lights and music change, and then I prance onto the stage.

The audience is a blur before my eyes, and the lights are orange in my periphery. I go up onto my toes and begin my dance, whipping in circles and smiling. I feel beautiful. My tutu is orange and brown, and silk leaves trace up the bodice. I have leaves in my hair and brown swirls down the side of my face. My toe-shoe ribbons have leaves on them, and every inch of me sparkles.

I finish my dance on one toe, then glide aside as the lighting changes again. Klara, in a pale blue and frosty white tutu that glitters like a thousand snowflakes, begins her own delicate, graceful dance. Her music is tinkling, like icicles chiming together. I take my moment to breathe, under a spotlight of orange, and quiet my racing mind. The butterflies are calm now, or maybe they just panicked too hard and passed out.

The girl playing Cinderella, a girl named Reese, whirls over to each of us in turn. See, in the version of the ballet that we're doing, instead of one fairy godmother, there are four fairies of the season. The fairy of the spring gives Cinderella her carriage. The fairy of the summer gives her the horses. The fairy of the autumn gives the dress, and the fairy of the winter places the spell of midnight.

Annmarie flicks her hand, and a carriage rolls on. It looks like it's made of fine gold, but from behind, I can see the plywood, cardboard, and duct tape. When Lauren's hand flicks, two dancers costumed as a horse dance out, and everyone in the audience laughs uproariously.

Now, my turn. If Reese messes this up again, it won't work. Her dress has Velcro in the back. When she pulls the back pieces forwards, a ballgown layer covers her 'work clothes'. When she goes offstage, she changes into the full version of that ballgown- but we had to practice twelve times last night before she got it right.

I flick my hand, and there's a trill of music. Reese spins in a perfect twirl, gathering her skirt, and pulling it around to her front. The audience gasps as one, and the lights shimmer around her. Klara flicks her hand, and there's the sound of a clock chime. Twelve times it goes, and then Resse climbs onto the seat built onto the carriage, and the 'horse' pulls it offstage. The lights go down and the curtain closes.

We dance off into the back room, where we whoop and hug each other. We get a loud shush from the parent volunteer in the back, but it doesn't stop us.

*********

When the show is over, I pull on my sneakers on over my tights before running out into the lobby to see everyone. The air is cold on my legs now that I'm offstage, and I realize I must look pretty silly- full costume and makeup, rainbow fluffy legwarmers, and ratty Converse. John has asked if I want a new pair, but I like mine.

Alex runs over and hugs me. His eyes are a little wet, and he swipes at them with a tissue. "You were fantastic, baby!"

"Your dance was perfect," John says, laughing and handing me a rose the color of autumn leaves. The base is yellow, but the tips of the petals are flamingly orange. All of the thorns have been cut off, probably a good thing around me.

"I tripped over my shoe ribbon on the way offstage. Did anyone notice?" I nearly fell on my face, but Lauren caught me.

"I didn't see anything. You were beautiful." Alex picks me up and spins me around. "Also, nice socks."

"They're legwarmers, Daddy," I giggle, spinning. He sets me down.

"Hey, Kat?" John smiles warmly at me. "I think there's someone who wants to see you." He steps aside.

There's a blonde girl with an angular haircut standing behind him. She's dressed up fairly nicely, in a green dress and black boots. She's got an armful of flowers- spider mums and carnations and roses and daisies. It's Emmy.

"Kathryn, I- I'm so-"

I cut her off by crushing her in a hug. The flowers drop to the ground as she wraps her arms around me. The two of us squeeze each other so hard, I'm surprised we can hold on, but we can. When we pull away, Emmy's crying, and by the river of brown eye makeup staining her shoulder, I am too.

"I thought you weren't coming." I wipe my eyes on the back of my hand.

"I wasn't." Emmy dries hers on her sleeve. "I just realized that my best friend is important to me. I shouldn't go alienating the people I love the most."

This sparks a fresh flood, and the two of us hug each other again. After a minute, Emmy pulls back again. " I've got to go- Livv drove me, and she's paranoid about driving after nine. I had to bribe her with cookies. Anyway, I'm really glad to see you, and to get a chance to apologize. Call me, okay?"

With that, she's gone.