Jang-Mi

Our relationship of eight years has practically died a slow death over the years, more so after the birth of Areum. I am still not able to point out the exact moment when things started falling apart, but it has been disintegrating gradually, piece by piece, and today we are at a point where we'd both definitely be better off without each other.

In him, I don't see the man I once loved. The eyes in which I saw my future and forever are not just for me anymore. But I wouldn't say that I'm trying to move our lives apart only because he is involved with another woman. That would be a lie.

Falling in love happens in a second, but falling out of love isn't an overnight thing, after all.

There have been numerous incidents that have eventually built an invisible wall between the two of us. We were painfully perched at the edge of that wall, hanging on for the sake of our daughter, fearing that falling away on either side would rip her life into two. But now we've evidently crossed that mental barrier. It is him on his side of the wall and me on my side, and Areum is not going with him.

Ever since I noticed the recent changes in his behavior, our lives have undergone some radical changes which will forever prevent us from going back to who we were before the divorce was initiated by me, long before I openly confronted him. The wall has only been fortified after I learned about his affair, and I was only counting down the days until I could actually catch him red-handed, so that the reason for this separation could be solidified.

Staying loyal was just a part of our wedding vows which clearly meant nothing to him.

"Do you agree to this, Mr. Kim?" Attorney Cha asks Taehyung who has been looking only at his hands resting on his lap for the past few minutes.

A few more seconds of silence is all it takes before attorney Cha stirs in his seat and uneasily adjusts his glasses and clears his throat to bring Taehyung back to earth.

"Mr. Kim? Did you hear my earlier question?" He asks again in a more firm manner, and Taehyung's eyes slowly lift to look at him.

He nods his head a few times—something that he does mindlessly when his thoughts are elsewhere—and then his eyes land on me. Our gazes lock for a brief while, and then his eyes move to the papers that attorney Cha is holding in his hands.

He bites down on his lip and lowers his head, and his untimely delay in giving his consent is making me angry at the moment, not just me, but the attorney too.

Mr. Cha hisses in frustration and clicks his tongue before snatching his glasses off his face and placing it on the table in a not-so-soft manner.

"If there's lack of consent, we might have to take time to think about things or probably consider revising the agreement in a manner which is suitable for both of you," attorney Cha informs in a slightly agitated tone, making us both divert our eyes to him.

"No, there is no issue with cons-" I begin speaking quickly, but then Taehyung abruptly cuts off my words.

"I don't give my consent for the child custody. The rest is fine with me," his deep voice finally echoes in the silence that suddenly seems to have fallen upon the room, making my jaw drop in disbelief.

I turn around to face him, an upwelling of various levels of anger and other bitter emotions rising to the top of my head.

"What the fu-" I stop midway, squeezing my eyes shut and then opening them again before I let out a long breath and continue to speak in a more composed manner. "You can't just say that. I will never let my daughter live with another woman," I tilt my head to one side and cast him a look that burns holes in the air and almost sears his skin.

He doesn't say a word to me but turns away instead to look at the attorney and speaks to him in a very calm and composed tone.

"She's my daughter too," he makes his point confidently. "If this condition cannot be reworked, I don't consent to this divorce," the insistence and firmness in his tone sends a myriad of uncalled-for emotions washing through me in waves.

I want nothing more than to walk away from this loveless marriage that doesn't seem to work no matter what, and I know it's not any different with him. Not when his heart is already somewhere else. It was a relationship which was making me feel small and useless, worthless and inadequate—worse than a worm, worse than a speck of dust.

Words that were spoken and promises that were broken over the years of agony called marriage seem to come back and hit my heart at full force.

He promised to support me through thick and thin and richness and famine, yet ever since I quit my job to raise our daughter, Taehyung has been constantly devaluing my efforts of being a full-time mother.

Is it fair that he loves his daughter but ridicules the mother who spends her life raising that lovable daughter?

To start with, the pregnancy. It was full of complications, and I delivered her a few weeks preterm, during which I suffered perineal tears and developed seizures on the delivery table yet somehow survived it all.

The phase that followed wasn't any easier. I suffered from severe post-partum depression. I cried all the time, and I didn't even know why.

I cried when Areum wouldn't feed well, and when my breasts felt heavy and painful. I cried and panicked when she wouldn't wake up for a feed after her usual two hours of nap. I cried when I had to wake up ten times in the middle of the night to feed her and change her diaper. I cried out of anger when I had no one to share any of the duties with me, feeling like a hopeless mess, feeling like a huge failure of a mother.

And what was the kind of support that I got from my husband during this hard phase?
'Why do you make such a big fuss all the time? Didn't you choose to do this, Jang-Mi? This is why you should stop breastfeeding her'

So does bottle-feeding treat post-partum depression? My husband wasn't there for me when I needed his love and support the most. So what's the point of him being there at other times when he needs me?

Is that when I sensed that the love we once had for each other was fading out? Maybe? Maybe not?

To top it all off, my work, though a desk job from home, was adding more stress and torment, and for the sake of my physical health and my deteriorating mental health, I decided it was best to quit my job and take a break until I felt like myself once again. I'm not really a multi-tasker, and I wanted to be productive in the area that couldn't wait for a few years. A career could always wait, but would my daughter wait for a few years to grow up?

And when I did resign my job, after discussing the issues with him, he was disappointed and unsupportive, to say the least. The umpteen number of arguments that we had, and all the harsh words that we threw at each other following my resignation was when I started to fold in.

I realized that he was definitely not worth wasting my energy over.

As the years passed, my physical health improved, but my mental health morphed from post-partum depression into something else—full-blown depression. And like how most others portray it, depression isn't something you visibly show out or talk about so easily. It is when I smile on the outside but die on the inside, and no one understands what's going on. Depression is when I feel so inadequate to the point where I even consider my entire existence as unworthy of anything.

But I fear taking my own life, and I fear death when Areum's face comes to my mind. I have so much more to do as her mother—to protect her, to teach her morals and values and to be by her side when she grows up into a beautiful woman; I cannot leave so early. I don't want to.

But that thought also disturbs me terribly. I fear death, and I desire to live only for my daughter and not for myself.

Is it fair? Why haven't I ever prioritized myself? Don't I have anything else to live for?

Of course, I want to travel a lot, I want to make more money, to be able to pamper myself and my family from time to time, and to do so much more. But the instant the thought of life and death comes up in my mind, I find myself gravitating towards Areum as the only purpose for my existence. Everything else fades out to nothing.

I hate it that my thoughts are oriented this way, and I want to live a little for myself as well. There's no one that I can talk about this to because the world is judgemental as hell.

The worst part is I don't feel the same on all days, and I don't even know what triggers my depression. I have wanted to seek therapy and professional assistance, but I couldn't afford it, and I would never allow myself to ask my husband for help because he openly said that I'm just imagining things within my head.

When he is troubled, it is his suffering. But when I'm troubled, it is my imagination. This isn't just Taehyung's view, but this is how the society views married women, in general. They should keep the husband happy at all times, and, in the process, it doesn't matter even if they forget what their own happiness is.

Numerous times I've wanted to open up to someone, but every single time I hold back out of fear of being judged, and my emotions and thoughts being invalidated as always. I fear being called out as selfish. I fear the world.

Through all this calamity, my husband has existed by my side. I don't entirely blame him for everything as well because he has been running around to help us survive, and having my expectations on him to understand me on his own has caused more devastation than I thought it would.

Having expectations is definitely a strong path that always leads to disappointment, but he wasn't just my boyfriend or a random fling or a teenage crush for me not to have any expectations from him when I was dealing with being a new mother. He was my husband for Heaven's sake, and I have been raising the baby that we both made out of love.

So, has he comforted me in times of pain? Never.

Does he even know what I hold inside? Nope, not a chance because he never listens, at least not when I wanted him to, and I do not find it in me to open up to him anymore.

Have I tried to talk it out with him in the past? Yes, a few times and all those times his only response was 'Hey, you act like you're the only mother on earth. How do you think other women are doing it? And many even have multiple kids and do it effortlessly. Whereas you have just one, and you don't work, and you stay at home resting all day and still you crib about it. What an amazing life you have, Jang-Mi!'

That was the moment when I gave up trying.

He kept constantly pricking me with his words that were making me guilty of not being useful in any way, not being a good wife or a mother, so much until I became completely withdrawn. He made sure that I regretted my decision of quitting the job that 'paid me', and for choosing motherhood, at every opportunity that he got. I cried myself to sleep every single night for so many months, unable to accept things or fix them or leave the marriage.

He succeeded in making me feel worthless, and I hate myself for allowing him to do that to me.

And after everything, he calls me out as someone who ridicules him and doesn't care about how he feels when, in all honesty, he has also been just the same, especially after I stopped contributing financially.

So was our love bonded to just the money that I was making? I cannot help but strongly believe that was the case.

Marriage or any relationship is a two-way deal, and is it possible to give back anything when I receive nothing?

Numerous times, I have felt the strong urge and temptation to find someone to make me feel better and understand the turmoil brewing within me. Whenever even some random stranger spends a few minutes talking to me, I feel the need to pour out to them and seek comfort.

But I haven't given in to that temptation because I know fully well that when it's a woman who commits infidelity, she becomes the bad one in the relationship. When a man does the same, it is again the woman who is blamed because she hasn't been a good wife—is what the fucked-up society will say.

At this point, I don't care anything about what the society or what anyone else says because they judge the hell out of everyone anyway.

If I had been the first one to find comfort in someone outside the marriage, stating the same reasons as him, would he have reacted any differently than I have done now? Not a bleak chance.

I've been feeling so strangled in this relationship to the point where I'm fed up. I'm so fed up of being unappreciated, of being blamed over the years for every single thing just because I'm a woman who chose to be a full-time mother, frustrated about how everyone, including my husband, keeps dismissing motherhood as if it's nothing.

Being a full-time mother and taking care of the entire house all day throughout the year is not considered a job. Yeah, because it doesn't pay the bills, and when something doesn't give you money to pay the bills, it isn't considered a job at all—motherhood or whatever be it. And when everything in a relationship boils down to money, it signals the death of the relationship.

I know he isn't going to realize anything or even miss me when I'm no longer a part of his life because he has already found someone to share his life with.

All that I can hope for is that no woman undergoes the same with him. He may be more mature now, and earning a lot more to comfortably support a family, and she might be a working woman today, but in reality, she could also quit her job and choose to be a full-time mother when she has children in the future. I only hope history doesn't repeat itself.

Because Taehyung and I were in love too, once upon a time.

As for me, it makes no sense to dwell in this misery for any longer. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't have the energy to try and make this useless bond work because it has been broken and shattered long ago.

It isn't my fault or his fault alone. We both have done many things that have led us to this place right now, and the path we have traveled is one that cannot be walked back on. We both gave up trying at different points of time, but I don't regret any of it because our relationship has already lost a fundamental element—love.

And over the years, I have only been constantly, consciously trying to widen the gap between us, waiting for the right day and opportunity to actually make a bold move to walk out and finally feel liberated.

It's true that we haven't had sex or any kind of physical intimacy in over two years now because after everything, I just can't bring myself to do it when I just don't feel any love between us anymore. It could be that he's sexually frustrated with me, but just because I'm his 'wife', I cannot pretend like he never hurt me with his words or as if my emotional needs and worries were not trampled upon and crushed like ants under his shoes and go ahead and open my legs for him.

That just isn't me.

I'm not the kind of woman who silences everything with sex. Once I've given up, I'm done with it forever.

The last few times we had sex a few years ago happened only because he kept threatening me that he might end the marriage since I wasn't co-operating. So, I gave in fearing a divorce, fearing being abandoned without anyone by my side. And while he satiated his physical desires, I was lying under him like a log, wanting to feel everything but unable to feel anything except pain, and the worst part of it was he was totally unbothered by it.

His touch didn't turn me on, his kisses didn't feel the same, not when his words couldn't show the same love that his body expressed.

And the way I felt so used up and dirty afterwards made me shed tears of blood, and made me want to kill myself.

To me, sex is so much more than just a moment of physical relief—at least sex with my husband should definitely be more than that. I need to feel a strong emotional bond to be able to relax and make love to him.

With him, I no longer felt anything.

Mistakes were made—some knowingly, some unknowingly, some that we regret and some that we don't even bat an eyelid to consider to be mistakes, and more mistakes were done to cover them up, lies were spoken to whitewash and camouflage them—all in vain.

In a nutshell, this isn't a marriage that will work anymore. There is no use in trying, and I am fully confident that I want to break free and start living for myself and Areum—thankfully, after I have now found the courage to ask for a bit of support from my aged, ailing parents.

"Pardon me, Mr. Cha, but it makes no sense. I want to get done with this divorce, and as discussed and decided earlier, I will take custody of the child. I don't want any child support or alimony. The divorce is the only thing I want," I make my point clear and lean back in my seat.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not giving up on Areum. You don't have the financial power to support and raise her well. That's the truth," Taehyung speaks again, demeaning me once again, pinpointing my financial state and sounding more confident than he has ever sounded in recent times.

Attorney Cha exhales deeply and nods a few times.
"Are you sure about this, Mr. Kim?" He asks Taehyung as he wears his glasses and looks at him through the top of his glasses, also turning completely blind and deaf to the fact that I desperately want this divorce.

"Yes," he agrees with just one word and a nod of his head.

The minimal vocal nature of Taehyung was something that I fell in love with years ago, but it is also something that made me fall out of love with him over the years because people change, expectations change and every goddamned thing changes.

"Well, then," Mr. Cha turns to look at me, giving me a remorseful look. "Without mutual consent, I can't do much here. You need to either alter the conditions or take time to think and arrive at a consensus. We will meet again on Sunday evening, same place," he leans forward, resting his hands on the table.

I feel like tugging at my hair and throwing something solid aimed at Taehyung's head and screaming at him for pulling such a dirty stunt at the last moment. Didn't he want me to leave him alone?

Today, of all days, was one day that I had been looking forward to for quite some time now, hoping to feel freedom at last.

But he just stomped on all my plans with his boots, without showing an ounce of any kind of emotions on his face.

Stone.
That's his demeanor.
Cold, hard and rigid.

He changed. We changed.
And I don't even understand what he wants to try with us anymore.

I sit sulking to myself while the attorney scribbles something onto the case file and slams it shut before he rises from his seat and walks out of the place.

Taehyung gets up from his seat too, and I do the same, not bothering to look at him even with my peripheral vision.

Taking swift and long steps, I head to the door when suddenly Taehyung steps up beside me. Turning around, I see that he is standing tall right next to me, his eyes flitting between me and the doorway.

I huff out in annoyance and cross my arms under my chest while waiting for him to finish whatever he wants to do now.

"Jang-Mi," he breathes out, his eyes lowering a little, and for a moment I foolishly assume that he might actually apologize for his actions. "I will not give up on Areum," his eyes lift to look at me.

Taehyung smirks evilly, yet I can see that his eyes are ready to shed tears, and he does a miserable job in concealing his pain, at least from me. It isn't that I haven't noticed his troubled state, in fact, I'm very attentive to every little detail about Taehyung, but I consciously chose not to bother because I gave up on him.

Had he been a tad bit observant and noticed my pain and lonely suffering through the years, and offered me some kind of solace and strength, things might have been a little different between us. But just because things could have been different, doesn't mean they might have been better.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he opens them again with a stone-cold, stoic expression.
"I want freedom from this marriage too, but not at the cost of my daughter," the tone of his voice makes him sound as if he's a man on a mission.

Well, he could be, but the truth is some broken things can never be repaired. Some words can never be unspoken and some actions can never be reversed, and some relationships are never meant to be. They're mistakes which were committed, and nothing more than bitter memories that need to be buried and forgotten. Only the lessons that we learned need to be remembered.

We have lost in our marriage survival mission, and it is just a matter of time until we accept our defeat and part ways. I would say that we're already halfway there.

Without bothering to give him an answer, I walk out of the office, my tears refusing to fall because I've already wasted a lifetime worth of tears on a man who wasn't ever worth it.

The most anticipated POV!
❤
Share your thoughts.

In my opinion, when there's a troubled marriage, it is almost always not the fault of just one partner.
💔

Also, coming up next is the one-shot that grew into this whole book.

Just to lighten the mood a little.
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Published on : 05/22/2022