Taehyung

It's now or never. I don't want to keep her in the dark about my marriage anymore. If after this she doesn't want me near her, then I will definitely not insert myself into her life once again. At least I will be able to believe that I didn't cheat on her.

"What?" Maya holds my hand in hers, still sitting on my lap as she takes a good look at my wedding band, her mouth agape. "How come I never saw this?" Her voice is thick with defeat and disappointment as she gets up from my lap, letting my hand fall limp over my thigh.

"It's because I don't always wear it. Maya, I'm sorry. I didn't really intend to keep it from you. I- I actually wanted to talk about it," I get up from the bed as I speak, and she takes a couple of steps backward.

"No, you stay there!" Maya holds out her hand in front of her, her other hand grabbing the bedsheet from the bed and clutching it tight against her chest. "How can you not tell me about it, Taehyung?" Her voice and shoulders shake, and her tears fall.

It literally feels as if someone plucked my heart out with a pitchfork, threw it in the mud and stomped upon it.

"Maya, I never thought I would meet you again, like forever. And even after the reunion, I didn't expect to meet you again. What happened the other night was unplanned too... I really didn-"

"Stop! Just stop it, Taehyung! You could have told me the other night. At least the next morning when I told you about Richard. How about when we had dinner earlier tonight? Huh?" She uses both her hands to tie the bedsheet around her chest and wipes off her tears as she keeps talking.

I chew my lips, nervously running a hand through my hair.

I really wanted to open up, but it is my fault. I shouldn't have taken it this far without telling her about my marriage.

"Maya, this is just a wedding ring, a piece of metal that means absolutely nothing to me at this point," I stand rooted on the spot and defend to no avail.

"No! Shut up! You can't just say that!" She shakes her head, slapping her forehead, her action reflecting her frustration.

"But that is the truth. That is where my life is. I get absolutely nothing out of my marriage, and I consider it to be nothing but one of the biggest mistakes that I've ever made," I know I'm losing this argument, and I'm losing her as well. But I don't want to give up so soon.

Maya's jaw drops open, but then she sucks in a sharp breath with her eyes closed, and then she opens her eyes as the breath slowly leaves her lungs.

"Is that an excuse to cheat on your wife? Would you feel the same if she cheats on you and says that you're the biggest mistake in her life?" She sounds more solemn and composed now.

When I lower my eyes and don't give her an answer, she continues speaking.
"Tell me, Taehyung! If we had gone any further and had sex tonight, which we were, in fact, intending to do, you would have cheated on her. Is that what you want to do? Do I want to be a home-wrecker? No, I absolutely don't want to be that!" She huffs out angrily, yet her voice is still soft, making my eyes lift to look at her.

"So am I a cheater only if I have sex with someone other than my wife?" My eyebrows lift a little. "I don't think so!" I shake my head, crossing my hands under my chest and putting forward a question which makes her eyebrows shoot upwards.

"What else do you think it is?" She crosses her arms under her chest too and questions me right back, her nose turning red, and her eyes turning glossy once again.

"Maya, the moment I cheated on her was when my mind felt at ease with you, when I felt comforted in your presence instead of hers, when your words gave me reassurance and not hers, when I craved your warmth and missed you...and believe me or not, through everything I've done with you physically, I swear I've not felt a bit of regret that I'm cheating on her because my mind knows that I've already cheated. Sex or not," my voice raises a little, but never before have I felt so relieved after letting out something that has been piercing my heart for a while.

"What do you mean? This still isn't acceptable at all," we stare at each other for a few seconds, and her teary eyes make me feel horrible, yet I don't regret that I told her about the marriage because it was never my intention to hide that fact from her. It was just that the timing was never right, but now, I just had to do it.

Maya then picks up my trousers and belt from the floor and extends them to me.

"Leave now. I don't think we should be meeting again," she doesn't look into my eyes as I take my clothes from her hands.

"And don't you dare to reject that job. This is just the end of you and me, and nothing else, you got it?" Her face is stern, but her voice cracks.

A drop of tear slides down her cheek, her lips quivering and eyes watery, pain and disappointment evident in them, and to think that I made her this way makes me feel worse than a piece of trash.

"Maya, I- I'm sorry," I step closer to her and try to cup her jaw in my hand, but she stops my hand with hers, keeping her eyes on the floor.

"Just listen to me, once... please," I plead with her one last time, desperately wanting to pour out my heart to her and have her close to me.

"You've said enough," she tries to dismiss me and walk away, but I hold her wrist and stop her.

"No, I haven't. It's fine if you don't want us to be anything more and if you want everything to stop right here," she turns around hearing my words. "But I can never go back to living my life without you in here," I point to my head and then to my heart.

"I have feelings for you, Maya, and it's okay if you don't want it or like it that way. But don't think I have been with you only to try and get into your pants, or trying to take advantage of the feelings that we had for each other in the past. That's not my intention. I did look for a hook-up the other night, but that would have meant nothing at all to me....probably just some meaningless sex to vent my frustration. It isn't the same with you. I promise it isn't," I speak holding our gazes, my heartbeat growing more rapid with the passing seconds.

"None of that sounds right, Taehyung. If your marriage is troubled, you need to talk it out and try to work it out together, and not seek for company outside," she frees her hand from mine. "It's always the distance that makes everything appear small. Talk it out and close in the distance, and your marriage will work," Maya's words are wise and mature as always, but she has no idea how muddled-up and messed-up my marriage is.

"But what if I have tried many times? What if the target that I'm trying to reach is an illusion, like the horizon? No matter how hard I try to close the distance, I can still never reach it," I let out a long breath to collect myself together. "That's where my marriage is right now. We don't talk and listen anymore, there's no love, no spark, no communication...absolutely nothing," I keep my eyes on her as I spill the truth.

Maya's eyebrows knit together in curiosity and confusion.
"What do you mean you never talk? Like, how do you survive together then? What about your daughter?" She fires her questions at me like bullets.

"We exist under the same roof, for our daughter. And that is the worst point that any marriage can ever get to. Maya, would you believe it if I said that she ridiculed me when I got rejected for this job, and one morning she actually handcuffed me to a chair to hold a conversation with me?" Although I can feel the heavy weight in my chest lifting off bit by bit, I'm still trying hard not to let my strong emotions get the better of me and cause a breakdown at this point.

Maya's eyes widen in shock upon hearing what I just said.

"But what made her that way? Have you ever thought about that or talked it out with her?" Her tears are endless, and her question is very logical.

"I have no idea why she's being so cold to me, and there's no communication between us these days," I let out regretfully, and Maya's shoulders slump in disappointment.

"Yeah," I nod feeling shameful of the pathetic state of my married life. "That's what we have become, and these days we never speak for anything except when she wants me to transfer money to her account for any expenses. This relationship means nothing to her, and I'm sure about it"

"You should still try to work it out, Taehyung," Maya's voice softens, and a drop of tear slides down her cheek.

"I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to live up to her expectations when I don't even know what she expects from me. She cares nothing about my needs...emotional, physical..nothing, absolutely. It's frustrating, and I have been living the life of a married single man for almost two years now. I'm pulling along just for my daughter," my words choke in my throat, and although I didn't intend to sound pitiful or hurtful, I could already feel the tears building up within my eyes.

Maya

My head starts spinning with everything that Taehyung has just revealed. Out of everyone on the planet, I never expected him to have such a bad personal life.

My emotions have gone on a violent rollercoaster ride over the past few minutes, starting from sinking into shock and disappointment, to bubbling up with anger, to the piercing pain of losing him having met him after all these years, to the heaviness that my heart feels upon hearing how hard it has been for him.

He really deserves to be happy. This isn't how I pictured the future of the happy-go-lucky boy from high school with a smile that could get him the whole world.

This isn't how Taehyung should be living.

"I'm not such a bad person, Maya," Taehyung's voice quakes, his eyes are bloodshot, and his nose turns red.

"Hey," my hand softly strokes his jaw as I take a step closer to him, forcing his teary eyes to meet mine. "You're not a bad person, and it's okay to cry," I wipe his tears with my thumb, feeling my own tears welling up at the sight of his troubled eyes.

I don't think of anything else before I take his hand in mine and pull him into a tight hug, his face buried in the crook of my neck as our quivering breaths and hot tears leave trails on each other's skin.

My hands keep stroking his back in comforting movements as I say nothing and just hold him close, letting him pour it all out, without making an attempt to stop my own tears.

His hands stay on his sides, not reciprocating my gesture, and it tells me how guilty and bad he is feeling about the entire situation, and I hate it that he's feeling this way.

I really don't know what comes next, but for now, I don't just want to watch him suffer and cry alone. In this moment, I want to be there for him, with him.

He calms down in a while and leans back, sniffing and rubbing his hands down his face and then pushing his hair back away from his forehead.

"I need some time to think, Taehyung. I really don't know what this is. There's nothing that I have to lose, but I don't want to be another mistake in your life that you might regret later," my voice sounds foreign to my own ears, and I have no idea if my brain and mouth are in sync.

Everything about us seems clouded and confusing to me now.

"I'm sorry, Maya. I really am. Thank you for being there for me and listening to me, thank you for everything. You truly deserve a better life," the words uttered in Taehyung's deep voice make my skin crawl.

Is this it?

My eyes lift to look at him longingly, my brain unable to find the right words to express the hurt and pain that I'm feeling within, my heart totally torn between wanting to keep him close and letting him figure out how to live his life on his own.

I watch him get dressed and leave the house quietly, giving me a sad backward glance that makes my tears return in full force—my body not co-operating with my heart's pleas to pull him back and kiss him hard—as I stand facing the closed door with the bedsheet still loosely tied around my body.

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Published on : 05/06/2022