Chapter 32: Past unfolded. 

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"Marriage can wait, education cannot."

 -Khaled Hossieni: A thousand Splendid Suns.-

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Married? Did Islah just say what I think he said? Yusra opened her mouth and closed it multiple times, like that of a fish. She understood the question clearly but for heavens sake, I am not ready! A million questions ran through her mind and her expression darkened.

When Islah saw this, he held his hands up in surrender as he hopped off the counter.

"Hey. Yusra? Yusra!" he called out for her and she snapped out of her trance. She looked at him with unfocused eyes and he flicked his fingers in front of her face.

"You okay?" he asked again and this time, she was honest by shaking her head from side to side. She wasn't okay. Her heart raced abnormally fast and her palms grew sweaty. She looked at Islah with a soft sigh.

"I- I-" she could not even form a comprehensible sentence. Islah knew he had overwhelmed his hijabi.

"Hey. It's okay. I meant it but it's your decision. I don't exactly want an answer now," Islah explained and Yusra stared at him. He is lying. He is as anxious as I am. She saw right through it but she appreciated that he was being understanding.

"I know." She finally managed to say. Islah handed her a glass of water, asking her to drink it. She did so and took deep breaths to calm herself down. I cannot have an anxiety attack again! The last time she had one was when she did not get into her desired program at college for being too young. In her defense, being 13 and getting into university is not too young.

Islah let out a small smile as he watched her calm down. He leaned onto the counter, crossing his arms over his chest and watched her silently. Yusra felt his eyes on her but said nothing. For a while that is. She scoffed and let out a small laugh.

"You must be confused." She muttered and he nodded at her.

"Was it anxiety? Or panic?" he asked her and she looked up to him with a frown. He knows them?

"You know the signs?"

"That was mild. I used to have full blown ones when I was a teenager. Kinda know them." He told her and her eyes widened. He had panic attacks? Why? He's just so.... Perfect.

"How'd it stop?"

"Therapy." That's when Yusra realized she basically knew next to nothing about Islah. Yet I am in love with him. What if we don't survive this marriage? And my education? My dreams? My priorities? What about them?

"Islah?" she asked after a moment. Islah hummed in response. "We don't know anything about each other." Islah raised an eyebrow at this. He shifted in front of her, his gray blue eyes meeting her green ones.

"And?"

"How will we survive this?" she asked, tilting her head slightly. Islah knew she was thinking again.

"We are not getting married tomorrow, Yusra." Islah told her. Then with a smirk, he added. "Unless you want to, I mean I am not against it. The faster, the better." Yusra glared at him playfully, a thin layer of blush coating his cheeks.

"But seriously. We can learn things on the way," he informed her and she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. Islah shrugged.

"I have dreams, places to see, things to accomplish!" Yusra said, after a moment. Islah stared at her with soft eyes and a smile.

"So that's what's stressing you out? Your plans?"

"I am only 22, Islah. I haven't even seen the world," she muttered, placing her hand over her face. Islah let out a small laugh.

"You can do all that after marriage too, you know that right?" he told her and she shrugged, sniffing slightly. Her eyes had involuntarily watered and she tried so hard to keep it all in. I don't want to risk my education, my dreams. "Yusra?" Islah called out for her. Yusra wiped away her tears and looked up to him.

"You don't have to marry me now. If I can wait for so many years to find you, I am pretty sure I can wait a few more years too." When Islah said that, Yusra felt her heart, mind and soul feel peace. The words worked like a sedative on her anxious nerves. She blinked a few times at her.

"You not saying that to make me feel better, are you?" Islah laughed at her question.

"No. You can marry me whenever you want. Be it today or a year later. As long as you marry me." He told her and her lips slowly curled into a smile. What'd I do to deserve him?

"A year. I need at least a year, Islah. To start my masters and perhaps, get my life together." Islah nodded at her.

"We'll talk about it when our families talk." He informed her and she nodded at him.

"Meanwhile, how about we spend time together? During the workshop?" Islah suggested, trying to lighten the mood. It worked when she looked up to him with an incredulous expression.

"I am going as your employee, not potential wife!" Islah laughed at this.

"We can find time to talk. If you want, you can ask Maha to come along." Islah told her and she shook her head. Rabail will be there. I am sure I can survive with her. Speaking of which, where is my woman? She looked around the kitchen and frowned.

"What?" Islah asked her.

"Where is Rabail?"

-

Rabail stood in the middle of the small wooden shed in the Reza-Ibrahim backyard, surrounded by nature. There were plants all over the place and she felt at home. The lights from the towering lampposts illuminated the path leading to the shed. She knew Iravat followed her but she was too tired to care. Too tired of this world, too tired of the people, too tired of everything really.

She let the tears fall once again, holding onto the white window sills for support. She let her pent up anger and frustration and hurt flow out. I am doing this again.

Iravat stood behind her, letting her cry it out. With each sob of hers, he felt his chest constrict and the air from his lungs leave. But this was all he could do, stand and wait for her to calm down, to get over this emotional breakdown and move ahead with her life as if nothing happened. He was sure this is a serious issue and not at all common, but who would get Rabail to listen.

"Rabi?" he spoke, when she finally calm down. She inhaled a deep breath, taking in the scent of plants and wet soil into her lungs. The smell of wet soil and pine (Iravat's cologne) calmed her down and yet again, nature came to her rescue.

"I am fine," she told Iravat who rubbed his face repeatedly.

"No, you are not and that's okay," he told her softly as she turned to him. Her gray eyes were bright as an aftermath of crying and her usual tanned cheeks were red, just like her nose. Iravat smiled slightly at her.

"It's okay," he repeated, making sure she understood him clearly. It's not okay. Nothing is ever okay with me.

"I know you think it's not okay but it is. Trust me, Rabi." His words somehow made her believe him. Somehow made her believe that maybe one day it will be fine?

"Your past is in the past, let's leave it there. Shall we?" he says and she lets a tear slip before hastily wiping it away.

"I should've trusted you then and said no to the marriage." She told him and he shook his head, taking a seat on the wooden floors. Rabail saw him and walked over, taking a seat beside him and leaning on the wall.

"What happened that day?" he asked her and she let out a bitter laugh.

"I thought my wedding would be fairytale like. But of course he had to leave me. I am not that lucky anyway," she muttered the last part. Iravat felt his heart break for her. He had not gone to the wedding, he was in an emotional mess when it was announced. Islah knew about his feelings and without a word of his, he supported Iravat through it all. He later found out from Islah that the wedding was called off on the day of the Nikah and no one talked about it since then.

"And?"

"I-I was dolled up. To perfection actually. I was happy to be getting married. He was one of the nicest people I knew. I was in the Nikah hall, already saying yes when he declined. He said no to our Nikah in front of the thousands of guests that were there. I attained the position of a modest, well-read and eloquent woman in their eyes and in that one moment, he broke it to pieces." She was crying by the end of it. Iravat leaned his head back to the wall and sighed.

"And?"

"You know how people are. As soon as they heard this, rumors began. Some said it was because there was something wrong with me, others said it was because I had an affair with someone and he found out. A few even said it was because he was forced to marry me for money! Out of all of it, the ones that hurt me the most were about there being something wrong with me. All throughout my teenage life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn't like other girls and it frightened me. Until I began to realize it was my life and little by little, I had picked up myself. You know Iravat. There was a time I didn't even love myself!" she told him, looking at him. Iravat stared at her, astonished at the confession. He had always known her as a powerful woman who loved everything about herself. She was always confident and so poised. He didn't think for once, that she would have struggled with something like this.

Rabail shook her head lightly with another bitter smile.

"I tried so hard, I honestly tried to not let them get to me. But they did. In the end, they did. I wasn't good enough for anyone, they said. The society that I live in is so brutal," she was sobbing again. Iravat patted her head like she were a little child.

"Did you see a therapist?" Iravat asked. He knew he was threading dangerous waters right now but he needed to know. Rabail being healthy meant being mentally healthy too.

"Yes. I did." Iravat smiled at her answer.

"It's okay. You don't have to go back there anyway. You have me now." With the way Iravat said the statement, Rabail knew there was something going on in his head.

"What is going on in your mind?" she asked him, looking straight into his blue gray eyes. He smiled at her, showing his pearly whites. If he was the one I married back then, life would have been so much easier.

"We can get married and not invite the people who talked bad about you." Iravat informed her and she let out a small laugh. Iravat smiled at her laugh before getting up. He held out his hand for her to take. "Take it now and it'll never leave yours."

Rabail peered at him from the ground with uncertainty.

"Never?" she asked for affirmation. Iravat grinned.

"Never." 

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Moral of the Chapter: THINK before you speak. You never know what a person is going through and you saying something you think is a joke, may hurt the other person. I've been in this situation countless times so I know. It hurts. 

Anxiety is another thing I wanted to highlight. Yusra has anxiety that doesn't come repeatedly. She is outgoing and happy. But that doesn't mean she doesn't get anxious. Anxiety manifests in different mannerisms and each one is equally important. Just because it's not clinically diagnosed, doesn't make it insignificant. :) 

I love how most of you supported me through the decision of leave or stay on Wattpad. It felt nice to know I have people who care about me. ❤ With that being said, I am not leaving you guys any time soon. But, my books might have irregular updates. I hope you can cope with it.

Thank you so much for being such kind readers. I like how informed you guys are. It makes my day every time you guys comment. (I'll begin replying as soon as my app begins to work) 

Till then, 

| R - C - V |

Take care. 

Love,

Aalihha.