Chapter 5

One look at the woman I encountered in the farmer's market and I knew she's going to be my muse. I stared at her, trying to memorize her distinct features, admiring the soft bounce of her curls, before I quickly averted my gaze when she turned my way.

Dali-dali akong umuwi ng mansion, hinihiling na sana hindi ako biguin ng memorya ko. I dumped the groceries at the kitchen and headed straight to my studio at the tower. I locked the door as soon as I got in and dropped to the floor, pulling a white, linen canvas.

I started working with oil and brush. Her beauty is goddess-like, and she would've looked good in a misty watercolor but I wanted to challenge myself. I want to capture her soft features in hard strokes and hopefully, my painting will exude the same air of intelligence and sophistication she had. I noticed she had a small, playful bump. She must be pregnant. The yellow, linen dress she wore made her skin glow. Her cheeks are naturally flushed and her eyes, lethal. She's a sleek sophisticate who can carry both gentleness and power in her own hands.

Halos hindi ako humihinga habang pinipiga ang utak ko sa mga nasagip kong larawan niya sa isipan. I was so busy and concentrated on the wooden floor, barely moving and holding my breath. Stroke after stroke, I started to form an intricate image. It pleased me, but it also urged me to go further, so I became bold and tapped into stronger hues and continued painting.

Muntik na akong mapamura nang makarinig ng katok mula sa pinto. Glaring, I lifted my gaze to the heavy wooden doors. It's only him who would dare knock and disturb my peace while I am painting.

"What?" irita kong tawag.

"Nagrereklamo si Manang sa baba, hindi mo raw tinapos ang listahan ng dapat bilhin sa palengke." His bored, flat tone sounded on the other side.

"Just tell her to send someone else to run the errands, I have an important task to do!" I shouted. Hinawi ko ang takas na mga buhok at binalikan ang ginagawa nang magsalita na naman ulit siya.

"Hinahanap ka ng anak mo."

My hand stopped mid-air. I stared at the unfinished painting and sighed, admitting defeat. Rarely could I ever find myself in this surge of inspiration, and when I do, something always happens. It's like the universe itself is trying to manipulate fate into killing the artist in me.

"Papunta na." Ani ko. Today, I wore a pair of tattered denim jeans and shapeless black, wool sweater. I didn't wear any perfume, so I only smelled of soap and nothing else. My long hair is in braids, it's almost reaching the back of my knee. I twisted it in a bun as I stepped out of the studio.

He threw me an uninterested stare and glanced at the mess inside. Before he could comment, I immediately slammed the door shut and stared at him blankly.

"Where's my son?"

Iginiya niya ako sa malawak na bakuran. When I woke up earlier, Castian is still dozing. I wasn't expecting him to wake up early because he slept past his bed time last night, sifting through my books and begging me to read him the tales he found with interesting pictures.

I found him in the corner of the rusty swing, kicking pebbles with his chubby hands stuck into the pockets of his brown suspender. He's pouting. The sun made his cheeks turn a bit red and the wind blew into his bed hair. Na-guilty ako bigla. Ni hindi ko man lang naayusan bago ako nagbalak na magkulong sa studio.

"Baby..." malambing kong tawag sa kaniya.

He instantly jumped from the ground and came running to me like an unfrenzied train. Before I could even react, he wrapped his hands around my legs.

"Mommy!" Castian looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "Inaaway ako ni Manang, Mommy, kasi... kasi ayaw ko paligo sa kaniya. Eh ikaw ang gusto ko!" sumbong kaagad niya.

I chuckled and gently removed his hands, crouching in front of him. "Hmm. Talaga? Anong sinabi ni Manang?"

"Matigas daw ulo ko, Mommy, eh lahat naman ng ulo matigas? Kapag malambot ang ulo mo, diba masama yun?"

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. His eyes were gleaming with curiosity, so I cleared my throat because he deserved an explanation.

"Castian, ang gusto lang sabihin ni Manang, dapat sumunod ka sa nakakatanda. Don't be so disobedient... you know what happens to disobedient children? Monsters eat them! Rawr!" I even made a bickering noise to try to scare him but he just stared at me flatly.

"Eh, Mommy, hindi naman totoo ang monsters, eh. I thought they're under my bed, pero wala naman?"

This time, I didn't crack at his innocence. I just stared at my son sadly.

"You're right, Castian. Monsters are not found under your bed..." hinila ko siya palapit at niyakap. "Sometimes, they turn out to be the nicest people you meet..."

I pulled away and smiled sadly at him.

"Can you help Mommy? I have to do something."

Castian nodded eagerly. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at nagtungo kami pabalik sa studio. Once inside, he entertained himself by slapping different colors of paint into his tiny hands and slithering it on the floor. I didn't mind it. The studio is messy anyway... but in an artistic way. The mess sometimes made me think. It helped me tap into my spirit whenever I feel myself slipping off again.

I went directly to my target, pulling the white sheet of cloth that covered the huge painting. Naagaw nito ang atensiyon ni Castian. He got up and went to me.

"What are we doing, Mommy?"

"Just some... disposal." I murmured.

I threw the painting one last look before grabbing it with both my hands. Sinundan ako ni Castian pababa. Manang threw me a disapproving look when she saw I'm up into another shenanigan again with my son, but she didn't say anything.

"Sa labas lang po kami, Manang." Masaya kong pagbati sa kaniya.

We went back to the garden. Over the months, I've slowly filled it with white sculptures I made from time to time. Some were okay, while the rest are just unfinished. I wanted to throw it away but Castian insisted they stay on the garden because it made the mansion look like a "castle" to him. I dumped the huge painting into the barren groun and gathered some twigs and sticks. Tinulungan ako ni Castian kahit na hindi niya naman alam kung ano ang pakay ko.

When we were done, I snatched a paper and a match. Standing over the painting and the twigs on the ground, I lit the paper and let it fall into the canvas. The fire started small and the wind challenged its growth. But after a while, it started consuming everything that surrounded it—the twigs, the branches, and finally, the painting. I gave the woman in the painting one last look before sighing out loud.

"Why are we burning her?" Castian hugged my legs.

"Because she doesn't belong to our lives anymore..."

I stared into the fire, its sharp tongue licking into the air, desperate to destroy more. Just like me. Tiny swizzles of flame escaped now and then. The fire in front of us grew bigger. It was such a sight.

"Czarina?"

I blinked, and then turned to Rigor. Hindi ko pa nagagalaw ang inumin kong binili niya sa malapit na 7/11. I was mindlessly stroking Helios' belly while the two dogs are chasing around in the dark, barking happily. Gumawa siya ng maliit na apoy sa harapan naming dalawa dahil sa lamig ng hangin. It amused me how expert he is in starting a fire, and told me that he learned it from his sister who's a great fan of archery and outdoor activities.

"Are you okay?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. I'm fine. I have to be. I have to get out of this mess before it destroys me. But first, I need to calm down first. I thought I was getting better with not being angry at myself but I was wrong. I almost went back to smoking because of too much stress. That should be a huge, red flag that my mental health is failing me once again, as it used to some ancient years ago.

"I'm sorry," I chuckled awkwardly. "What were you saying?"

Rigor licked his bottom lip. It's his habit that I've gotten used to even when barely know each other. Well, I know him for so long because he's one of the guys that stood out in our department. I just never thought we would have an encounter this intimate, and me at my worst mental state, at best.

"I'm just worried about you. I didn't bring you here to talk, I'm comfortable with silence. Kaso minsan, natatakot ako sa sobrang tahimik, baka kung ano na pala nagawa ko. Si Silver kasi, kapag may nagawa akong hindi maganda, hindi na ako kinakausap bigla-bigla. Nababaliw tuloy ako kakaisip kung anong kasalanan ko sa kaniya."

I laughed. "Girls."

"Well..." he shrugged.

"I'm comfortable with silence, too." I gathered my knees to my chest and hugged it closer as I stared at the dark ocean. Helios have lost interest in belly rubs and joined his brothers chasing each other in the sand. When they tried to run towards the waters, Rigor snarled a warning call to the boys and they instantly backed away.

Nilingon ko siya. As a girl and as an artist, I really find him attractive. Dangerously attractive. I started sculpting years ago but toss the clay and bronze away when I lost inspiration. Now that I'm staring at him, I'm eager to put my hands on him and start working. I'd like to do him in bronze. Maybe the arrogant material could capture his air of confidence and elusiveness. If I could make it work, I can bring the sharp features of his perfect bone structure to life and the aristocratic face that must've been born to the wrong generation. Maybe... maybe I could trace the veins in his artist hands or let my imagination run wild as I'm filing his torso. I feel giddy just thinking about it. I'm stoked.

Iniwas ko kaagad ang tingin nang mapansing matagal na pala akong nakatitig sa kaniya. He didn't seem to mind it, or if he did, the slight curve of the side of his lips is the only indication of his acknowledgement... or approval, whichever it is. Rigor stretched his legs in the sand. Sa gitna ng mga hita niya ay ang beer na kalahati nalang ang laman. I didn't get to have my beer. Instead, he brought me a pomegrenate juice. Nilunod niya lang ang pag-angal ko at sinabing hindi maganda para sa akin ang makainom ngayong gabi.

Well, I know he knows about the rumor already. He must've also seen the picture. Why isn't he asking me anything? When I agreed to let him bring me to the beach, I also gave him the permission to interrogate me. But instead, he just let me be silent and admire the ocean instead of drowning myself in morbid thoughts alone in my studio unit.

"Hindi ka ba... magtatanong?" mahina ang boses kong umalingawngaw sa dagat.

"Ng ano?" he tilted his head a bit to face me.

My cheeks burned in embarassment. But I just couldn't let it go. He needs to know my situation. It's unfair to take advantage of his kindness when he has no idea of the mess I am in. Kung meron nga siyang ideya, hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit hindi pa niya ako pinapaulanan ng mga tanong. Once he knows about it, it's up to him if he still wants to be with me or not... Kung ano man ang maging desisyon niya, rerespetuhin ko.

"My ex-boyfriend leaked some... some n-nudes and claimed it was me. The rumor is widespread in the campus, and everyone thinks I'm a slut. You may not believe me, but that wasn't me! I would never-"

"Alam ko, Czarina." Mahinahon niyang wika.

Nalilito ko siyang tinitigan habang malakas pa rin ang pintig ng puso ko. Anong alam niya? Ang tungkol sa pinakalat ni Max? O na hindi ako ang babae sa litrato?

"What..."

"It's not you." He said slowly. Rigor pivoted his body closer to me. Itinukod niya ang isang kamay sa tagiliran ko. I could almost feel his hot breath fanning my neck. Nanginig ang kalamnan ko. I wanted to move but I was cornered and out of breath. "The girl in the picture... it's not you."

I let out a faint gasp when he traced the tip of his fingers down my collarbone. "You have a dot, brown mole here and in the column of your neck.... that girl in the picture don't have it. One look and I could tell that it's not you.. even without the moles." He chuckled. "People should know better."

My pulse raced, and I think my heart just leapt to my throat. I stared at him, shocked. How could he know that?! Even I barely pay attention to my damn moles, because I thought it was an imperfection, as society had made most girls think. But he...

"Mawawala din yung isyu, wag kang mag-alala." I was so relieved when he finally pulled back and grabbed his beer, as if to calm himself as well. I watched his Adams apple bob up and down as he took a gulp. "People will realize it soon."

Tears brimmed my eyes again. I am so sick of not being in control of my emotions, so I got up and reached for him to cover his eyes as tears streamed down my face.

"Czarina?" litong tanong ni Rigor sa akin.

"I'm sorry..." I sobbed. "I just don't want you to see me cry... again. Palagi nalang akong umiiyak kapag nagkikita tayo. Nahihiya na ako."

He stayed silent for a moment, and then nodded.

"Ayos lang, wala naman akong nakita."

I remained covering his eyes as I cried some more. Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang mga hikbi ko. I was shaking badly and was barely covering his eyes but he kept it closed.

"Wala rin akong narinig."

No one has ever believed in me the way he did, and I am mroe afraid than happy of the euphoria he's giving me. Baka sa huli, ako rin ang talo. What would he get from being so nice to me?

"You should really stop being nice to me..." bulong ko.

"Huh? Di naman ako mabait. Ilang beses nga akong binubulyawan ni Silver, eh." He chuckled. "I'm not nice, Czarina. Trust me."

"Heh..." I sniffed and tried to calm myself. The boys have gone weary from playing and was all lying on their stomachs with their tails wagging happily... weakly. They paid no attention to us and I was glad to have him all to myself at this very moment.

Nang tumahan na ako, saka ko pa tinanggal ang kamay ko at dali-daling pinunasan ang mga luha. Rigor reached for his beer as if nothing happened, and took a sip.

"H-Hindi ba magtataka ang pinsan mo na bigla kang nawala sa housewarming party niya?"

"He wouldn't mind. He's busy with other things... or girl." He shrugged.

"How about Thyron?"

"That prick must be screwing your friend again. I saw them making out earlier." He made a disgusting sound and snorted. "I don't know how he can be at war and seduce someone at the same time."

I smiled weakly. Kaya pala hindi na nagrereply si Sorcha.

We lasted for over an hour at the beach, till he offered to drive me home. I nodded, weary. So many things have happened lately. Normally I wouldn't mind losing some sleep but this time, I could barely manage to hold myself together. Nakatulog ako sa sasakyan habang pauwi kami.

When I woke, I was embarassed but Rigor didn't seem to mind it. The dogs were piled up on top of each other, snoring loudly in the backseat. I gave them a pat before climbing out of the car. It's nearly 4 in the morning. Rigor tuck his hands in his pockets as he walked me through the cemented stairs. I stopped right in front of my door.

"Salamat sa paghatid sa akin..." I fidgeted like a little girl and smiled awkwardly at him. "At sa kanina..."

"It's nothing."

"Hindi ko alam kung paano ka pasasalamatan sa ginawa mo."

"You could go to the dance with me."

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. "Dance?"

He chuckled. "There's a senior ball for graduating art students next week... and I don't have a date yet."

Oh, I've heard of that. Our seniors were pretty excited about it.

"Am I even allowed in that event?" I chuckled awkwardly. "I'm still a junior-"

"You're my date. Of course, you're allowed. Is that a yes?"

Tinitigan ko siya. Of course. I could never say no to him. I wonder if he's aware that the unique colors of his eyes made girls weak? It's such a strong feature about him that I could never get over with. You don't get to meet people with heterochromia every day. He's a living wonder. He's more of a muse than an artist... I wonder if he knows that, too.

"Yes..." nahihiya ko pang sagot.

"Great." He grinned—crooked, wicked, and charming. "I'll see you around, then."

I gave him a wave and watched him trudge over his parked car. When he reached the last flight of the stairs, Rigor stopped and turned back to me.

"Oh, and I've been itching to tell you this earlier, I just don't know if it's appropriate... pero ang ganda ng moon, 'no?"

Surprised, I looked up and saw the half-sliced moon shining in all her glory. It was indeed a spectacular view. I must have ignored it earlier because of my laments but now that I'm seeing it...

"Ang ganda nga..."

He nodded and finally climb inside his car. Rigor honked twice before driving off.

-

#HanmariamBFLChapter5