・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"You have done a great thing, helping them out, but your role ends here. Remember that, now and for future, they will be grateful for your assistance, might even welcome your participation, but you cannot be a part of SNLRS, nobody else can."

Meghna's words were a constant reminder in her mind; Meghna who had been gentle but firm, bossy yet kind, leaving her to wonder how someone could be so contradictory and straightforward.

From the day, when the four of them had left her to meet the Senguptas, Swara had been relegated to the sidelines, which did not please her. She had lived a sheltered life, where her family and friends adored her and she was used to the attention; it now tough for her to reconcile to the situation, where she was not a part of the team, not part of their discussions or decisions. It also bewildered her, she had never been actively involved in Ragini's work before and she could not understand why it hurt that she could not be included now.

But Meghna's words remained with Swara as she watched the world around her, changing yet constant. She was as bubbly as earlier, but now she would think for a few seconds before blurting out what she thought, she paid attention to the people around her rather than taking them for granted. And as she saw, so she noted; the more she observed, the more she learnt about them.

The days passed in quick succession and her twenty third birthday came and went; quietly.

Swara had not wanted a celebration and was relieved when her family agreed, though a trifle disappointed. But then Swara was adrift, unsure of herself and her place in the world she had known before SNLRS had crashed into her life. She was the bystander on the busy highway of life, everyone passed by in a blur and the conversations were a buzz. Nothing had changed and yet everything had. Everyone appeared different, or maybe she had turned indifferent. Maybe her perspective had changed, altering her outlook on life.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"There is something about them as a group, time and death might have created a distance, but it cannot break the group. Nor will it change to let in another."

Meghna was astute, Swara admitted.

Ragini was as busy as ever and she still was around for Swara as before but it was different now, her sister worked more though it was for the same number of hours, and while Swara could make out that Ragini was exhausted at the end of each day, she knew that her sister was happier too. The meetings with SNLRS, the plans they had, the transfer of the publications and the integration of the work streams, it occupied her sister, who now glowed with the joy that one gained when one did what they loved, in the company of the people they loved.

Swara learnt that Meghna's observation was a sort of an universal truth when it come to the four of them for it was evident in the way Kabir and Sanskaar had bonded; even if his camaraderie with Sanskaar made her envious. Kabir had always wanted a sibling, often stating that both she and Divya, who stayed in a joint family and hence was always surrounded by siblings and cousins, did not know how lucky they were. While Kabir did consider Ragini as an elder sister, he agreed that it was not the same as having one. And somehow, after the entire Sahil fiasco, he had ended up having Sanskaar as an older brother figure.

She did not know what had made him change his attitude, for she knew that till a mere two months ago, Kabir had harboured a deep and persistent resentment of Sanskaar. And now he openly admired Sanskaar who appeared to reciprocate with affection. She could make out how that happened, instead of treating Sanskaar as an elder brother, Kabir had gradually started to behave like a younger brother who adores his elder sibling, and Sanskaar had unwittingly and unconsciously responded as a big brother would.

And even Kabir seemed to understand and accept what Meghna had told her that Sunday, for he never bothered to be part of their group and seemed unperturbed by his exclusion.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"See your sister and Laksh, they are in love, till this day and yet, even if they cannot get their personal relationship together, it will not affect their profession equation."

She was also puzzled and perplexed at Ragini's equation with Laksh. By her own admission, Ragini and Laksh loved each other, but they did not behave like any couple in love that Swara had seen or imagined. Ragini depended on Laksh for everything related to law and legalities, she trusted him implicitly on those matters and though Swara could see the love in her sister's eyes, she also could see the uncertainty in her sister's eyes whenever the unasked and incomplete question popped up, 'when are you and Laksh.. ?'

And each dinner at their house ended in the same manner, Laksh asking Ragini to marry him and she silently shaking her head. Swara could not fathom any reason for Ragini's hesitation though she found significant cause with Laksh's behaviour, more specifically his idea of wooing her. For though he did woo Ragini, ardently, consistently and persistently, she just did not think that the way he went about was correct or acceptable.

The first time he had come over, she expected him to gift Ragini flowers and chocolates, which he did, flowers for her mother and chocolates to her, and he patted her head too; she gritted her teeth, she was no longer a thirteen year old kid, which was how he apparently still saw her as. But her mother loved the flowers and she did find the chocolates delicious, though she was confounded when Laksh gave Ragini only a cover. It did not matter that Ragini turned misty eyed when she read the single page, another sign of change in Ragini, she did not recall her sister crying in the past eight years. Nor was it insignificant that Ragini would have hugged Laksh if the occasion had not been a dinner at their house. Their grandfather beamed his approval at the shipping paper, for that was what it was, which showed the purchase of a bundle of rare and new typefaces, to be delivered to her home. Swara was not impressed; typefaces were not a proper gift, even if that made Ragini delirious with joy.

The other gifts were in a similar vein, and evoked similar reactions in both the sisters, misty joy in Ragini and petulant frustration in Swara. There were gifts of rare, expensive, fragrant papers; inks of myriad hues and various gauge pins. Swara soon understood the reason, it was Laksh's way of letting Ragini know how much her passion meant to him but it somehow reminded her how male birds wooed females, by building sturdy, practical and decorated nests. Human males, were supposed to be sensible and sensitive and woo their women with some romance. Not that she stayed quiet about her opinions, but then any protests or complaints she could have were dismissed by Ragini, who was quite enamoured by what Laksh seemed to say by way of his gifts.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"Love takes various forms, not all can love alike or equally. The Greeks had it right when they classified the forms of love into seven to eight different forms, though the erotic love, associated with Eros and the closest to our modern version of romantic love, seems to be the most popular. More unfortunately, is the belief as to how romantic love should be expressed."

That had been how Sanskaar had reacted when, during a chance meeting with him, Siddharth and Meghna, she had cribbed about Laksh's idea of romance. She had sulked at his words, disappointed that all of them seemed to find no fault with Laksh's behaviour, or rather, that none of them appeared interested in letting Laksh know that what he was doing was not the least bit romantic and however practical her sister was, she was a woman and would appreciate romantic gestures.

Finally, Swara's frustration was cut short when she witnessed Laksh going down on his knees; one sultry summer night as she stood at her window, which overlooked the sisters' favourite seating corner. She was torn between wanting to watch how the proposal would play out and moving away, so that it would not be an intrusion into their privacy. In the end the curiosity won over, which changed to chagrin when she made out that box which Laksh presented was too long and narrow to be a ring. She stamped her foot, pulled the curtains close and moved away.

The minute Ragini entered the room, Swara demanded to know what Laksh had said and given; in reply her sister held out her wrist on which something sparkled. It was a bracelet, one that had tiny squares, linked with tinier chains, the whole thing fashioned out of white gold. Ragini had her familiar misty eyes, which had Swara wondering again; the last time she remembered Ragini had cried had been during the final surgery, which was around the same time that Sanskaar and Nikita had their accident. Turning her attention back to the bracelet, Swara stared at it and muttered, "I should have known, he is an idiot, at least the proposal should have been with a ring"

Ragini smiled in reply, "It is fine, baby sister, it is good, indeed. I would not be able to wear a ring, I am scared that the inks which I use might spoil the gold, it might not but I am not sure. And he would not be able to fit all the typefaces into the ring band."

It was then Swara saw what the typefaces read, "together ♡ forever"

That was enough for her to revise her opinion of Laksh though Ragini never told her what her answer was. It was at breakfast the next day that her father finally pushed her sister into making a decision, when he demanded to know what Ragini wanted. When answered by silence, he said, "Tell me one thing, Ragini, in whatever fight you had with your friend, and no, I do not want the details," he rushed to add, when they saw that Ragini had stiffened, "even if you consider yourself to be the only one at fault, which cannot be, you have forgiven them and they have forgiven you. So what is holding you back?

There had been silence at the dining table, as all waited for Ragini to deliver a scathing reply, but she only sat frozen and Shekar continued, "I have not been much of a father, but I would like you to listen to what I say, at least hear me out. I know you want to marry him but then you are apprehensive, that maybe you would once again do what you did or said, and again lose him. He has forgiven you and you have forgiven him, but you cannot forgive yourself. Do not do that, beta, give yourself a chance, marriage is always a gamble, whether you marry a stranger or the one you love. It is also a lot of hard work, compromise and adjustment. You have the advantage; you will be marrying the man you love and more importantly, the person who will always be a friend to you."

And he then finished his speech, on a gentle jovial note, "this house is always your home, so in the rare and unwanted situation of you walking out on him, you are welcome back. And it might give me a real good reason to beat him up."

When Swara saw a ghost of a smile on Ragini's face, she realised her father had said exactly what Ragini wanted to hear. And Ragini who had taken seven months to finally accept Laksh, could not wait for even seven days. Once her mind was made up, they were married within a week, in a small private ceremony.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"Even if you work with them or with SNLRS, remember you can never be a part of SNLRS. They will accept you inputs, seek your assistance, but you can never be part of SNLRS. I speak from experience, Siddharth worships the ground I walk on and he adores his daughter but if I pushed him to a corner and forced him to choose, he would pick SNLRS. It would break his heart but then SNLRS is not a mere acronym, it is their friendship, almost like their soul mate."

She had scoffed at Mehna's words then, and the older woman had ignored her with grace, though she now recognised the truth in them. Once Ragini moved out their home after her marriage, Swara was lonely and needed to find something to do, for nothing seemed to hold her interest. She wanted to write, that itch was uncontrollable but then romance had lost its appeal, there could be writers who spun magical tales from the shards of their broken dreams and shattered hearts; she was not one of them.

She read her notes and drafts for her old stories, the romance in them appearing to be sappy and juvenile. She worked with her sister, doing every assignment with diligence yet she could find no solace in her work. She often read her SNLRS interview transcripts; she had added Ragini's interview to it, just to complete the set and would wind up the reading session by listening to the CD that had Niki tell stories. It was an exercise in self-pity, for listening to the CD left her swirling in a vortex of conflicting emotions as she switched between despair for her love for Sanskaar and jealousy that Nikita still had his love, though she was dead and gone. It would be replaced by anger, at herself for the petty thoughts and at the way Niki had died, only to end in a bout of helpless tears, for it was difficult to keep up the charade of being unaffected in the privacy of her solitude.

It was during one such session that she hit upon a solution, one that would satisfy her yearning to write as well as help her deal with the contradictory emotions with regard to Nikita. The longer she thought, the more she liked that idea, till she could no longer wait to tell the rest. She enlisted Siddharth's help; she was hesitant to talk to either Ragini or Sanskaar, knowing that a rejection from them would hurt her more.

Not the Siddharth made it easy for her, he did not say it but she could see the refusal in his eyes along with the unspoken question, 'why are you doing this? What do you gain?'

It hurt that he still did not trust her and she remembered Laksh, 'it would be dangerous if you underestimate him', but then she apparently still had to learn a lot, she should not have thought it easy to win Siddharth over.

Taking a deep breath she decided to be honest and answer the unsaid doubts, "I want to do something so that she is not forgotten, all of you remember her, but then she had a gift and it is tragic that the world has no glimpse of it."

"What is in it for you?"

"I love to write, but I am in no mood to write romantic stories, I have written a lot of them, rough drafts only and my friends are right, they are mushy and largely disconnected from reality. But with this, it would give me a chance to do what I love, in memory of a woman who was very much loved. I want to keep that memory and love alive."

With Siddharth on her side, she hoped that it was half the battle won, though it took a lot of time and effort to win over the others, each having their own objections. The meetings and discussions drained her, each time she thought she was prepared, the meeting would end with her having to go back with a revision in the plans, the schedules, the costing and the logistics; and they had not even agreed to her request. After three weeks and a dozen meetings that left her exhausted, drained and frustrated, she almost gave up till she realised that they were testing her. They wanted to see how committed she would be to the project, for if they gave the go ahead, it would be hers and hers alone.

That was the moment the full weight of responsibility descended on her and she almost staggered, wondering if she was capable of seeing her idea materialise and take off. She knew she could do it; the recordings were there, she loved to write stories and the combined manpower of SNLRS and the Sengupta Publications had a few brilliant artists and talents illustrators.

Once she found the confidence in herself, nothing could hold her back and that was how their book series, 'Niki Tells a Tale' was born, each a single story; hardbound and printed on large glossy paper with colourful art and enclosing a CD with Nikita's rendition of that story.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"There are times when I wonder how life would be if Sanskaar had not become a paraplegic after the accident. He might have moved on from Niki, maybe grown to love another woman, but even she would never be a part of SNLRS"

When she had heard those words, she had wondered if Meghna had known about her confession to Sanskaar, but as the days went by, she realised that it had been a general statement. She had perfected her expressions with respect to her feelings for Sanskaar, so much so that both Ragini and Sanskaar, to whom she had confessed about her feelings, forgot about it. Nor did anyone else even suspect what her feelings for Sanskaar were, which did not mean that she learnt to stop loving him. She still carried hope that Sanskaar would soon reciprocate her despite him maintaining a friendly demeanour with her.

The unexpected success of those books, the harshest critic described them as 'artistic coffee table books for children that looked good and also served a purpose to entertain' had an unexpected fallout, an unwarranted media interest into Nikita's life and by extension into Sanskaar's.

That worried Swara for Sanskaar had been hesitant about sharing the recording and now it seemed as though his unspoken apprehension was justified. But then Sanskaar once again surprised her, instead of hiding from the media or demanding that he be left alone, he became a facilitator for people with new spinal cord injuries, putting his life in the limelight as he hoped to inspire them that though their world is now changed they could have a life, even if different from what they hoped.

For the next ten months, Swara lived in a delusional time world, working on the books series and often accompanying Sanskaar when he attended the spinal injuries support group, which supported and monitored the spread of quality rehabilitation facilities. It was in one such meeting at the hospital that she finally had her reckoning with reality.

"He is quite fond of you."

Swara gaped at the elderly nurse who had made that observation, and who mistook Swara's sudden joy to be dismay, for she rushed to explain, "No, I do not mean he loves you, he likes you, it is apparent, but then it is more like how one would like a younger sister, something like that."

Her hopes, which had started a celebratory dance were trampled under the explanation, those words shattered the walls of the castle she had been building and a physical agony tore into her heart. 'He did not love her, he liked her as he would like a younger sister or rather the baby sister of his good friend.'

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"We know they are friends, I am sure they will agree. We could let them make that decision too, but somehow both of them seem oblivious to what they want and what we would love to happen, maybe we could just give them a push"

Swara had reached home only to overhear snatches of the conversation between her mother and Vidya aunty, the gist of which did not escape her troubled mind and broken heart. Not wanting to be drawn into another battle, she had slunk away to the press shed, now empty and bare. Yet it was still a familiar comfort, to sit in the darkness, beneath that shed and stare at the stars. She did not think nor cry, just sat looking at the skies above.

"I am furious, I will be talking to my mom soon, it is preposterous of them to try to push us around...Swara" –

She was made out his presence only when he took her name and the moment he saw her face, even in that faint night light, he stilled. She was a mess, she looked exactly how she felt, broken and crushed and she could not find any strength to fake a smile. In that instant she learnt that she did not need to, she could never pretend to him, he knew everything, for he did not say another word. He just pulled her into a hug, his arms tight around her, almost crushing her in his embrace, as if he could somehow put those pieces of her together. In the warmth of his hold, she realised that he would never ask why she was broken, he knew that she loved Sanskaar.

"Cry it out, Swara, let it out. At least for now."

And she did that. 

She sank into his arms and cried, large sobs that had her gulping for air and left her shaking. She cried for losing the man she loved and lost but who had never been hers. She cried for Kabir, for she finally understood that he would always love her and would never tell her that. And she cried that she might never love him back, and even if she did, it would never with an equal intensity.

Kabir, the one she could always depend on, worked out a plan to get out of the engagement their mothers were planning, taking a decision for both of them. It would have angered Swara but she did not have the strength to fight anyone. So she stood behind Kabir as he spoke to the mothers. When he requested that they wait for a couple of years, for he insisted that he not be married till he had established himself as a surgeon, she wondered why he said that instead of an outright refusal and then understood. Kabir was buying her time, two years for her to make her stance clear to her family.

The mothers might have put forward objections, if not for the entry of Ragini. A teary eyed Ragini followed by Laksh with a goofy face, with an announcement that had everyone ecstatic.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"Expecting a baby is just the beginning of expecting some of life's most precious moments. It is a time of hope and dreams."

That is what her mother said and Swara might have completely agreed with her, for Sharmishta had gone through multiple pregnancies; she would have agreed if she had not seen Ragini. Swara had never known her sister could be such an emotional mess; throughout her pregnancy, Ragini was always in happy tears or melancholic laughter. As if her mood swings were not enough of a stress to all those around her, her diet astounded them. To use a cliché, Ragini ate like there was no tomorrow; four large meals a day, punctuated by as many small meals and snacks, leading most of them to worry if she was overeating, for she did grow huge and her bloated size added to her mood swings. Only Anu Maa loved Ragini's demands, and she whipped up feast after feast for Ragini, no request was too bizarre and no time was wrong.

When the time for her delivery drew close, Swara was the most relieved person as they waited in the private suite room reserved for Ragini. Her sister had been earlier wheeled away, and she had used her strength to swear at Laksh; between each contraction that wracked her, Ragini cursed Laksh for putting her in that state. It only reiterated Swara's increasing conviction that a pregnancy was not as rosy a state as her mother painted it to be.

And it surprised her to see that her father and Laksh were sitting together. There had been regular dinners at her house, from the time Laksh had decided to win Ragini but then, though the men were polite, they had never cared for each other's presence for longer than politeness warranted. And now seeing them together was unexpected and she moved to sit closer to them. Both looked shaken and worried and sat in silence, as though the mere proximity of each other would give them the strength as they waited. And when Sharmistha burst in with excited news, the joy and relief were evident and before Laksh rushed out to meet his wife and daughters, he smiled at his father in law, "Your daughter is truly exceptional, Mr Gadodia."

"Yes, beta, your wife is indeed an amazing woman."

That short exchange would have sounded incongruous and sarcastic to anyone else, but Swara knew it was different, their tones were hushed but full of admiration; it was an indirect acknowledgment by each of them, of the other man's role in her sister's life.

Swara held back, because her father had not made a move to follow Laksh and her mother; he had slumped in his chair and she could see what held him back. He was hesitant and unsure, convinced that he would never be forgiven, which was stupid for she knew that irrespective of the unfairness of his actions, Ragini had never held any grudges against her father, unlike...herself. Shock galvanised her into action, as she realised that she had never quite forgiven her father for inducing her to hand over those transcripts to Sahil, none had said anything to her but she had pieced it through; her father showing her the album had not been accidental, his carefully worded suggestions had been a clever manipulation and though she was at fault for betraying her sister, her father had been instrumental in planting the idea that it was Ragini who had betrayed her by keeping secrets. From that day onward, she had been cool in her interactions with her father, making it evident that she would never forgive him. And today, she understood how unfair it was; especially when she had readily accepted the forgiveness the rest had given to her.

"Congratulations, Grandpa,"

She then threw her arms round her stunned father and hugged him, she could not say the words that she forgave him, it seemed silly and unnecessary but she had to let him know. And then pulling herself back, she smiled at her teary father, "You have to be double strong now, you have twin granddaughters, so double the fun and double the trouble."

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"I will always be a friend and partner to you, even if you might not see me as one in the future. I will always be by your side, even if you refuse to consider me as a husband and lover. It does not matter how you think of me, and even when you chase your dreams, moving away from me, I will always walk with you.

That is my promise to you, the one that will bind me to you. And if you wish to fly free, I will be the wind beneath your wings."

Those were the words on the note Kabir written to her and which had been given to her by Divya, as she was being dressed as a bride. They echoed in her head as Ragini led her to the mandap where Kabir waited for her. Two months ago, on the twins' birthday, Swara agreed to marry Kabir; it had made everyone happy and left Kabir a little bewildered but then he had not raised any objections. She now realised that Kabir knew exactly what had prompted her decision, it was a practical one if not sensible one and with his intuitive understanding, the note was his way of letting her know that the marriage would not be a binding one on her.

Her wish that it be a small quiet wedding was overruled, by their mothers, by Anu Maa who stated that she had her chance stolen when Meghna had not agreed for a normal wedding and finally surrendered when even Tanisha joined the mothers. Divya, who felt that Swara and Kabir did not have enough cousins to make it a large occasion, roped in all her siblings and cousins turning Swara's wedding into a typical big fat Punjabi one.

And Swara enjoyed every bit of it.

She sat beside Kabir and looked up to see Ragini walk back to where the rest of them were sitting; Sanskaar who held Roshini in his arms while her twin, Rohini snuggled in Laksh's arms and her heart melted at the sight of her adorable nieces. Then there was Siddharth with Niharika, with her Niki aunt's fragile bone structure, who already showed signs that she would grow into a beauty. And since had she had Meghna's spine of steel combined with her father's sense of humour, Siddharth would not need a gun to keep the guys away from his daughter; she would disarm them with a look or charm them with her wit.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

'Thank you"

Swara went still, it had to be her imagination, but that was Nikita's voice, she could recognise it, she had spent hours hearing those few recorded conversations, as she attempted to spin a woman from those words. And she wondered, why Niki would thank her. Then she smiled, it was heart-warming to see the friends laughing and teasing each other, as though the intervening years of distance and pain had never happened. She gave a slight nod, whether it was her imagination or if it was indeed Nikita's spirit, she was equally grateful that the friends were together again, happy for Sanskaar who was surrounded by the love of his family and friends. It was a much needed closure for them and a possible release for Nikita.

She caught a giggle and turned to see Divya whispering to Kabir and an irrational spark of jealousy coursed through her and she hissed at Divya. Divya looked at Swara, eyes twinkling and moved a couple of steps so that she could hug both her friends, knocking their head in their process and then she murmured, "Somebody is jealous and looks quite cute when she is smouldering. I should allow you to burn but then I am a good friend to both of you, I reassure you that I have long classified Kabir in the list of the innumerable brothers I have, so do not worry."

It was at that instant that Swara understood what she had refused to accept; she had thought it sensible to marry Kabir, but the real reason was that it felt right; right to marry a man who loved her enough to accept that he would come second in his wife's affections, right to marry a man who made her jealous if any woman gave him a glance; right to marry a man who promised to wait for all eternity as a friend, till she was ready, even if the world thought them married.

Swara glared at Divya and hissed again, "Do me a favour, remember that note you gave me, bring it to me, now? Please?"

Kabir raised an eyebrow when Swara slipped her hand into his and smiled, as if to say, 'have some patience, you will soon find out.'

And a few minutes later, her smile broadened as she tightened her hold on his fingers and dropped the note into the havan fire. She then promised a slightly dazed but smiling Kabir, "There is no way you can escape from me, I will find my way to you. And you will not have to wait for an eternity; I just need a couple of years."

Swara finally agreed with what Sanskaar had once said long ago; that you could love different people, in different ways, for each love was different. She might never stop loving Sanskaar but she did love Kabir too, differently, yet, loved him enough to make place for him, in her life and her heart.

I am apprehensive as to how this chapter is for this is a slightly different style from what I normally write (I write - third person, deep and omnipresent and sticking to third person, limited only to Swara, was tough). This is also long, but then I did not want to split it into two, for I wanted to wrap up all the ends in one chapter rather then carry over to another update, I have already made my lovely readers wait so long, at most times. 

And with this the story is almost done, for the next chapter is like the final knotting or rather the trimming of the tassels. But do let me know your views, I love and welcome all feedback.

love,
Nyna