The expression was true. A watched clock doesn't tick.

I had been sitting in the waiting area outside of the operating theater for almost an hour now. They had taken Grammy in for surgery. Again. 

Danny had gone back to the house to get me some clothes to change into and said that he would pick up dinner for us from the diner along the way. Carter didn't come with us. It wasn't because he didn't want to. It was because Julie stormed out after Danny and dragged him back inside. But I was in no state of mind to think about Julie and Carter.

I was still in my evening gown, sitting on the uncomfortable puce green chair, staring at the stark white wall across from me. I was looking at the clock for so long that the numbers were becoming blurry. I blinked, my dry eyes burning.

I had cried when I first got to the hospital. I cried a lot. But then I got tired and my head started hurting. Danny stayed with me until he was sure I wouldn't start crying again. Now my eyes were dry from the saltiness of the tears and it hurt to blink. 

I turned my attention to the light above the operating theater door. It was currently turned on--a bright red--to signal that there was an operation underway. Once it went out, it meant that the surgery was over. It would mean that I would find out whether or not my grandmother--my only living relative--was alive or not.

I continued to stare at the light as my vision blurred.

What if I had stayed home this evening? What if I was there with her? Would this have happened? I should have taken better care of her. I was too busy doing work for Ryan and fretting over the situation with Julie and Carter that I didn't pay enough attention to Grammy. What was the point in my being back if I wasn't even spending time with her, if I wasn't even taking care of her? 

It was my fault. All of this was my fault.

I felt a sob escape and I buried my face in my hands. With each sob, my shoulders shook until I couldn't control it any more and my whole body was shaking from the violent tears. I couldn't lose Grammy. Not yet. Not when she just found out about Lillian. Not when we had only been reunited for a few months.

The crying bout lasted about another half hour. I had gone back to staring at the clock. My head hurt. I could feel the veins in my temple throbbing. My phone kept going off. I knew it was either Danny or Carter or Ryan calling. Ryan didn't know what happened. He was probably calling to ask why I missed our nightly meetings to go over the work I had done.

It rang again and I finally got tired of listening to the ringtone, so I turned my phone off. I leaned forward and ran a hand over my face, rubbing my temples. 

Waiting was torture.

But lucky for me, I didn't have to wait any longer. When I sat back up, the light above the operating theater door was off. The surgery was over. 

I felt my heart rate increase ten-fold. I could no longer feel the numbing headache that was pulsing through my head. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I got up shakily and walked forward to meet the surgeon when he walked out. My hands were ice cold and I felt myself pale when I saw the door open. I rushed forward.

What was that expression on his face? Was that regret? Disappointment? Failure? Or was it triumph? It was so hard to tell. The doctor could mask his emotions so well.

Once I reached him, I grabbed his arm. I couldn't bring myself to ask the question, so I pleaded with him with my eyes. He pursed his lips and I braced myself. He put a hand over mine and then looked me in the eye.

He didn't say anything either. Instead, he just shook his head slowly.

And just like that, my world fell into chaotic sadness. 

"NO!" I screamed, the loudness of my voice shaking even me. "No!!!!!!!!" I shouted, gasping through my tears. I couldn't let go of the doctor's arm, but I started sinking to the floor. I couldn't stand anymore. I was too weak.

The doctor grabbed onto my arm to keep me from falling all the way to the floor. I couldn't see through my tears and I heard a dull ringing in my ears. The doctor tried to say something to me, but I couldn't see or hear it. I was numb. I was numb. I was numb.

She was gone! She was dead. It was all my fault. I should have taken care of her. Now she was gone. My only family, gone.

It hurt. It hurt so bad. I thought losing Carter was painful, but this was a hundred times worse. It felt like my heart was being ripped into shreds. My world was crashing down all around me. I was alone. I was all alone now.

I felt two pairs of hands grab me by the shoulders and lift me up. I could just barely make out their faces. It was Danny and Carter.

I lurched forward and hugged Danny, burying my face into his shirt. He put his arms around me tightly, whispering things into my ear, but I had no idea what he was saying. I couldn't hear anything except for my sobs. I couldn't feel anything except pain.

Danny drove me home. Carter didn't come. Danny suggested that he give me some space. After all, I could only deal with one emotional crisis at a time. 

After the initial shock of hearing the news wore off, I asked the doctor if I could see her. But he wouldn't let me. He told me that I was in no state of mind to look at the body. He told me that they would move the body to the morgue until we took care of the funeral preparations. I didn't even get to say good-bye.

Back at home, Danny made me tea while I changed out of my dress. I was now sitting on the couch in the living room, curled up next to Danny with a cup of warm tea in my hands. My head was throbbing with pain. My headache was so bad that I could barely see straight. 

"I can stay the night if you want me to," Danny said to me, stroking my hair gently with his hand. I shook my head.

"You don't have to," I said, my voice hollow.

"I want to. I don't feel comfortable leaving you by yourself when you're like this," he said. 

"Ok," I said, complying without argument. I was too tired and emotionally drained to argue. 

"Arya, it hurts now, but it'll get better," he said.

"What a typical thing to say," I replied darkly.

"There's a reason for that. It's because it's true," he told me. 

"Doesn't mean it makes me feel any better," I said. 

"I know. Of course it doesn't. But I have to say it," he said. I felt a lump rise in my throat and felt the warm sting of tears prick my eyes. He noticed this and turned me so that I was facing him. He cupped my face in his hands and gently brushed my cheeks. "Crying isn't going to make you feel better, kid," Danny told me. 

Then I lost it again. I began bawling. I couldn't help it; it just hurt so bad. Danny pulled me close to him, muttering something about how I would be ok. I wasn't so sure, though.

                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~

 The whole town showed up for Grammy's funeral. Literally, the whole town. I mean, I expected a few close family friends to attend, but the entire town? It was ridiculous that everyone in this town had to attend every event, as if every gathering was a party of some sort. 

I guess I should have been grateful. The fact that everyone showed up meant that everyone cared enough for Grammy to feel sad that she wasn't living anymore. Grammy had lived in this town for her entire life. I guess everyone really did know Grammy. 

The pastor wanted me to give the eulogy, but I refused. I couldn't do it. What was I going to say? I'm sorry I stayed away for so long? I'm sorry I shut you out? I'm sorry I was the most terrible granddaughter you could have asked for?

It was too late for all of that. It's not like she could have heard me. She was gone and she wasn't coming back. Anything I said wouldn't do her justice. So I refused.

I tried to distract myself by looking around at the people that came. Mrs. Knowles was blowing her nose in a gigantic handkerchief. Larry O'neil looked gray and old, as if he had seen too many of his friends die over the years. Danny was holding onto my elbow, as if making sure I wouldn't suddenly faint or something. My eyes scanned all of the people in the crowd until they landed on two people that I was subconsciously trying to find.

Julie was standing next to Carter, looking as beautiful as ever, even in a simple black dress and black peacoat. I hated her for always looking so flawless. Her expression showed that she was bored. Grammy always said she never liked Julie. I guessed the feeling was mutual. 

Carter, on the other hand, was staring right at me. I hadn't noticed before, or felt it, probably because there were a lot of people staring at me. I think they were expecting me to cry or break down or run away or something. But I was holding on for now. I had to show everyone that I was strong and that I could handle this. I couldn't let on to everyone how much pain I was in.

When my eyes met Carter's, for the first time during the funeral, I felt my throat constrict. I felt the warm sting of tears behind my eyes and I could hear a drumming in my ears. His expression shifted so that his eyebrows creased in worry. He knew that I was hurting. He always knew.

I looked away when I couldn't stand it anymore. Danny took my hand and squeezed it. The eulogy had ended and people were now leaving flowers at the grave. I squeezed Danny's hand back and told him I would meet him back at the house. I had to get there before everyone else did.

I got home just in time. The first of the guests had already arrived, plastic Rubbermaid boxes of food evident in their hands. I walked up to the front porch and pushed open the door, leaving it unlocked. The house was chilly inside so I went to turn up the heat. People began walking in. I brought out the wine and beer and greeted the people when they approached me. I sighed as I looked out the window. This was going to be a long day.

After about an hour and a half of talking to people and listen to people tell me how sorry they were and how amazing Grammy was when she was alive, I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. It took a lot of control on my part to not burst into tears whenever someone recounted a story about Grammy or told me how much she loved me. I felt as if I was walking through a haze. I was talking to people and listening to them, but I wasn't completely there. My mind was distracted and I had a constant buzzing in my ears. I knew that I was going to break down sooner or later and I needed to get out of this house in case it was sooner.

I excused myself from talking to Brenda, the local grocery store owner, and doged Mr. Hemming, one of my junior high school teachers and found my way to the staircase. I glanced behind me and saw Carter, who had a glass of wine in his hands and was talking to Larry. He looked up right when I looked over and our eyes met again. I felt my lower lip quiver and looked away quickly, slipping up the stairs quietly.

I sighed when I got to the second floor. It was so nice and quiet up here. 

I made my way into my bedroom. I closed the door and locked it. Then I hesitated and unlocked it. I pulled my blanket off my bed and pulled open my window, letting in a gust of cold winter air. I kicked off my heels and put on my Uggs and then threw my blanket out onto the little bit of roofing that jutted out under my window. I swung my legs over the window sill and hoisted myself onto the roof that faced the side yard. I adjusted myself carefully so as not to fall and pulled my blanket around my shoulders. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them.

I took a deep breath, watching the little clouds form in front of my face. Finally; peace and quiet.

When I was younger and I would get angry at Grammy or was upset about something that had happened at school, I would always climb out onto this little roof. From this height, I was able to throw my frustrations out into the world. I felt too confined in my little room, but out here, everything was out in the open. I would sit out here for hours, just mulling things over. Once I was ready to face the world again, I would go back into my room. But just for a little while, I was able to escape.

Now here I was, at 24 years old, sitting on my little rooftop again. No one could see me out here. I could be alone, just like I wanted. Thinking this, I finally let my guard down.

All of the emotions that I had pent up over the past few hours came rushing out. I buried my face in my blanket and sobbed, feeling the warm tears freeze on my cheeks. I had never felt so alone in the world before. I no longer had my parents to go to when I was upset, or Grammy, or Carter. I was truly alone.

The weight of the realization crashed over me and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It just hurt. It hurt too much. 

After about ten minutes of sobbing, I let myself breathe. My eyes became dry as I tried to steady my breathing. I had a throbbing headache and my legs felt frozen despite my warm blanket. All I could think at that point was that I really needed a drink.

I heart my bedroom door open and felt my shoulders tense. Someone found me.

"I thought I'd find you out here," I heard the familiar voice of Carter say. I heard a shuffling and then he appeared next to me on the roof. He gingerly sat down next to me as I made room for him. He shuddered from the cold. He hadn't brought a jacket with him. 

"How did you know I'd be here?" I asked, offering him my blanket. He scooted closer to me so that his arm was touching mine and pulled the blanket around himself, too.

"Before you ran off, we were best friends for over ten years. I think I figured out all of your hiding spots," he replied. I looked at him and he smiled crookedly at me. 

"Why are you here, Carter?" I asked. 

"I wanted to make sure you didn't do something stupid," he replied. 

"I just want to be alone," I said.

"Well, I don't think that that's the smartest thing right now," he said. 

"Carter, please..." I whispered, pleading with my eyes. The truth was, I was glad he was here. Just his presence next to me helped me relax, despite the tension between us for the past few months.

"Arya, I'm staying," he said firmly. I frowned.

"Fine," I replied. 

We were silent for a few minutes. I could feel Carter's warmth radiating off of him. It was both distracting and enticing. I wanted more than anything for him to put his arms around me and hold me close, just like the old days. 

"Everyone was looking for you downstairs," he said, to break the silence. I nodded.

"Like I said, I wanted to be alone," I replied. 

"They should have enough sense to leave you alone," he said.

"When has anyone in this town ever had any sense?" I asked. He chuckled. 

"I guess you're right," he said. 

Silence again.

The wind picked up for a moment and we huddled close together, pulling the blanket around us more tightly. It was a little uncomfortable. We both were considerably bigger than we were six years ago. Carter was taller and leaner and although I was still petite in size, I had grown a bit, too. There was less room on the roof, despite us being so close, and any way we shifted put us in danger of falling off the edge. 

"Here," Carter said, moving so that he was behind me. I sat so that I was between his legs, my back pressed up against his chest. He put his arms around me, pulling the blanket around us. He placed his arms around my waist and I hesitantly rested my head against his strong chest. 

"If Julie sees us, she'll kill us," I said.

"She won't find us out here," he assured me. 

"Why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Doing what?" he asked.

"Taking care of me like this," I said.

"Is it that hard to believe that I might still care about you? Is it so hard to think that maybe I don't like seeing you the way you are right now?" he asked. I was silent. He sighed. "Arya, Grammy was a huge part of my life, too. And I know how you think. I know that all you're thinking now is that you're completely alone. But you're not. You have me," he said. "You always had me." 

I felt my throat constrict and my eyes welled up with tears.

"I lost you six years ago, Carter," I managed to say.

"No, you didn't. I was angry, yes. But no matter what we both may think, you did not lose me six years ago. Not completely," he told me. 

"How can you say that when I won't even tell you why I did what I did?" I asked, turning slightly so that I could look at him. He brushed my cheeks gently with his hands.

"Because I keep hoping that you'll tell me someday," he said. I shook my head and he brought his hand down to the side of my neck, resting his forehead against mine. 

"I can't tell you," I whispered to him. He looked at me, his head still against mine.

"What are you afraid of?" he asked, his voice quiet. I pursed my lips.

"Of ruining your life. Again," I replied. He laughed darkly, pulling away slightly.

"You won't be ruining my life any more than you already have," he said. "And I mean that in the best sense possible." 

"Trust me, if I tell you, I will be," I said. He reached out and touched my cheek again. He leaned in closer, bringing his lips to my ear.

"You won't," he whispered, sending chills down my spine. 

"Will you ever let it go?" I asked him as he looked at me. He ran his fingers along the side of my cheeks and I leaned my face into his hand.

"Probably not. You know me. Always curious," he said. I sighed and then rested my head against Carter's chest again. He wrapped his arms around me tightly. 

What did I have to lose if I told him? The fear of ruining his life? But he was right; I had already ruined his life. By coming back into it. I came back here, after all those years, and I expected him to hate me the entire time. But instead, he started showing that he still cared about me. All these secret meetings, us sitting the way we were, us kissing all those weeks ago...they were all signs. They were all signs that he still cared about me. And because of that, I ruined the life he built after I had left. I destroyed that picture-perfect life that he had created for himself. So why not just tell him?

"I need some time," I told him.

"Ok," he said. 

And that was that. In that moment, I had decided that I would tell him. I had decided that I would finally tell Carter about Lillian.

__________________________________________________

A/N: I don't even know what to say. Grammy's gone (that was inevitable), but now Arya's finally going to tell Carter! The moment we've all been waiting for!

Do you all think that Carter will be happy to hear about Lillian or will he get angry? Do you think he'll ever fully forgive her? Leave me a comment below with your thoughts!

So, like I said in my message to you all, I have to retake the MCAT because I didn't get a good enough score the first time. I WILL be finishing this story soon. There's going to be two more chapters and then it'll be over. But for those of you that are also reading Trinity War, I won't be updating that until AFTER I take my exam. Sorry, but like I always say, my future comes before my writing.

That being said, leave me a comment with your thoughts on this chapter! And vote!

XOXO