The ride home was nothing short of incredibly awkward.

I sat in the passenger seat, leaning as far into the door and away from Carter as possible. My back was stiff and my hands were clutched tightly together in my lap. My gaze was fixed on the road ahead of us. I tried my best to focus on it instead of the person sitting next to me. I realized that my teeth were clenched so hard together that my jaw was beginning to throb. I felt a vein pulse in my forehead. I felt a loud drumming in my ears. I was afraid to speak, to move, to breathe. Any movement would have increased the awkwardness tenfold.

Carter sat in the driver's seat next to me. His hands were clenched at the wheel so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. His jaw was set and squared and his eyes--now the color of dark cocoa--were fixed on the road. He was leaning slightly forward in a very stiff position. It must not have been very comfortable. But then again, neither was this situation.

I still couldn't believe I kissed him.

Ok. Maybe I didn't kiss him. And no; he didn't kiss me either. It was more like we both sort of leaned in at the same time and somehow our lips connected. The mistake here was not the initial action. The mistake was perpetuating that initial action, because neither of us moved. We both stood there, our lips connected, our arms around each other--phsycially touching. And we didn't move.

We should have moved.

Once sense had finally decided to come back from its little trip around Central Park, we moved apart from each other. I'm sure both of our faces held the same expression: shock with a mixture of confusion.

"Shit," we had both muttered at the same time.

And then, after looking at each other for a moment and breathing hard, we kissed. Again.

What the hell was wrong with me? He was a taken man! He was supposed to be getting married in less than six months. I had become a homewrecker even before the home was built. I was such an incredibly terrible person. How was I living with myself, even now, in this moment?

But it wasn't just my fault. If I had initiated the first kiss, then he most definitely initiated the second one. There shouldn't have even been a second one. Hell, there shouldn't have been a first one, either!

What the hell was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking, and that was the problem. With Carter, it had always been easy for me. When we were younger, when we first became friends, everything with Carter was simple. There was no drama, no complications, no confusion. It was what I loved most about being with him. As stressed out as I had always been when it came to school and getting into a good school for pre-law, I was that much more relaxed when I was with Carter. He had this overbearing aura about him that made me feel calm; that made me feel safe. So it was natural that in my moment of vulnerability, I had given in to Carter's old charms, however faded they had seemed to have become.

And the result was the second biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. Any hope I had of reconciling my lost relationship with Carter was now gone and out the window. I had ruined it. I had blown my chance. I had gotten so close to getting him to not hate me anymore. But there was a fine line between hate and love and I had inadvertantly crossed it. Now we had receded even further away from that horizon of forgiveness than we had been before. And it was my fault.

I looked at Carter and I wanted to say something. But I had no idea what to say. So I didn't say anything and instead, I pushed further into the door, wishing more than anything that I was back in my apartment in the city, away from all of this mess that I had chosen to leave behind.

We got back to Saranac and Carter parked in front of Grammy's house. He cut the engine and we both sat silently in the dark. The sun had finished setting and we were late. But I had a feeling that Carter wasn't in any mood to eat dinner now.

I opened the door, letting the cool fall breeze flood into the warm car. I breathed the fresh air and unbuckled my seatbelt.

"Arya," Carter spoke up, breaking the silence like a bullet shooting through a piece of glass.

I stopped, my leg half-way out of the car.

"Close the door," he said, not looking at me. I did as I was told and sat stiffly, waiting for what he had to say. It seemed like ages before he spoke again and when he did, he still didn't look at me.

"We are never going to talk about what happened earlier. It never happened, do you understand? It was all a mistake," he said. He turned his gaze on me and his brown eyes raged with the anger that I had tried so hard to make disappear. I felt like the shattered glass from the bullet pierced my heart, making it bleed open. It was all a mistake.

"Do you understand, Arya?" he asked. I swallowed and nodded, feeling the sting of tears prick my eyes. They wouldn't come out, though. I had to pretend to be strong in front of him.

"I'm not coming in for dinner. Tell Grammy that I was called in for a work emergency and that I'm sorry," he said, looking forward again. I nodded again, unable to say anything.

I pushed open the door and gathered my things. Carter didn't get out of the car to help me and I didn't expect him to. He simply watched as I picked up the boxes and brought them to the doorstep. Once I had taken the last box from his car, he turned on the engine and then sped away, disappearing into the night.

And that was the last I saw of him for the next couple weeks.

I opened the door and went inside the house. I could hear the sound of the television coming from the family room. Dragging my things inside, I shut the door behind me. When Grammy heard the door closing, she hobbled into the hallway.

"Took you two long enough! I've been waiting! Dinner's getting-" Grammy started saying. She stopped when she saw that it was only me.

"Where's Carter?" she asked as I stood up straight.

"He left," I said robotically.

"He left? Did he forget about dinner?" she asked.

"No, he had a work emergency. They paged him and told him that he had to come in for one of his patients," I said.

"He has patients of his own? He's not even a doctor yet!" Grammy said.

"Well, it was probably a patient of the doctor he's doing his rotations with. He probably has to look at procedure," I replied. Grammy scrutinized me.

"Are you lying to me, Arya Elizabeth Hansen?" she asked, frowning.

"No, Grammy. I'm not," I said, my voice soft.

"What happened between the two of you?" she asked, noting quickly the change in my mood and personality.

"Nothing," I replied.

"Are you lying to me again?" she asked.

"We got into an argument. I don't want to talk about it," I said, picking up a box of my files and turning to go up the stairs to my room.

"Was it an argument or was it something more?" she asked, making me stop at the foot of the stairs. I closed my eyes, feeling tears form in my eyes.

"It was an argument," I said, trying to make my voice sound convincing. Not wanting to turn around because I had started crying, I ran up the stairs with my box of files. I burst into my room and dropped the box onto the bed. Then I collapsed onto the floor, leaning my back against the mattress, letting the tears fall freely.

This was exactly why I never wanted to come back here ever again. I knew how much it would hurt to see Carter again, to be around him. Clearly, he had moved on, but I hadn't. I was still just as much in love with him now as I had been when we were in high school. I cared too deeply for him, but he was gone now. The Carter I had loved was gone.

It was all a mistake.

It had meant nothing to him. I had stupidly tried to trick myself into believing that he still had feelings for me, but it wasn't true. We had simply had a moment of weakness, that was all. He still hated me for what I had done to him. And I was still just as sorry as I had ever been.

Later that night, Grammy came into my room. I was in bed with my files lying open all around me. I was in my zone, completely focused and on-task. It was what I was good at. Whenever I felt like I was losing control of my life, or if I felt vulnerable, I would throw myself fully into my work. It distracted me and gave me something to do. It gave me a sense of purpose and importance.

"That looks like fun," Grammy said, sitting on the rocking chair that sat by my full-length mirror.

"It is," I replied mechanically.

"I was being sarcastic," she said.

"I know," I replied, giving her a look.

"Is this usually what your nights look like? You pouring over hundreds of files in your bed at night?" Grammy asked.

"No," I answered.

"Thank God," she said.

"I'm usually at work in the office with Ryan. Not in my bed," I added.

"When do I get to meet this Ryan character?" Grammy asked.

"Whenever you want, Grammy," I said, sighing in annoyance. I hated being interrupted when I was doing my work. But I quickly remembered that Grammy was sick and old and she needed attention, too. It was the least I could do for her.

"I actually have been meaning to invite him to dinner," I said.

"He's not really your boyfriend, is he?" she asked.

"He's the only person I know that understands my position," I replied, knowing that I couldn't lie to Grammy.

"That's not answering my question," she said.

"We're close. But not that close," I said.

She was silent for a moment, rocking back and forth in my chair. I clicked my pen, closing it and opening it, looking at the file in front of me, but not quite seeing the words that were written on it.

"What really happened between you and Carter today?" Grammy asked, breaking the silence.

I felt my heart rate accelerate.

"We kissed," I said, my voice quiet. I kept my head down, not wanting to look at my Grammy's expression.

"You both did? Or he did?" she asked.

"It was me the first time," I replied.

"More than once?" she asked.

"Twice. He started the second one," I answered. The rocking stopped.

"No wonder he wanted to get away," she said. I nodded, keeping my head down.

"He still has feelings for you, Arya," she said. I let out a hollow laugh.

"No he doesn't," I said.

"He does," she argued.

"He said that it was all a mistake," I said.

"Of course he did! He had to! He's engaged!" Grammy exclaimed.

"And that's exactly why he's right! It was all a mistake! He's getting married, Grammy! I've lost my chance. I was stupid for thinking that I might be able to come back and reconcile what happened between us. I can't. He's too far out of my reach now," I said.

"He's not. He's not married, yet. You still have a chance," Grammy said.

"I'm not going to ruin his life again," I said.

"What makes you think you're ruining it?" she asked. "If you ask me, he's ruining his life instead. He doesn't love that girl. Not in the same way he loved you," she said.

"Because he's changed. The way we loved each other was different. Julie's good for him. She would never break his heart," I said.

"And that's exactly why she's not good for him," Grammy said.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"We need our loved ones to break our hearts once in a while. It lets us know that they're human. When we feel anger towards one another and sadness for one another, that's true emotion. When we feel indifference for someone, happy with someone all the time, it's not right. Because perfection doesn't exist and when you find something that's close to it, you know it's not right. We need the bad to know how to appreciate the good. Without that bad, we'll never truly know how well off we are," Grammy explained. "You and him have both suffered. You both realize how much it hurts to love someone and then not be able to be with them. That's what makes your love so much stronger than anything he could ever have with Julie. Because all he knows is happiness with her. And if he can't know what it feels like without her, then he will never know what true love is," she continued.

I sat silently, thinking over what she had said. It made sense to an extent. You can't really appreciate what you have until you've lost it. It was the argument of evil. We can't really know the good in the world unless we know the evil. We need something to compare it to. I knew what it felt like to be without Carter, which is why I appreciated it more when I was with him. But that still didn't change the fact that he was about to get married.

"You should tell him about Lilly," Grammy said, her voice soft. I looked up at her sharply, narrowing my eyes.

"I will never, ever tell him about her," I said, my voice shaking.

"He has a right to know," she said.

"I don't care," I replied.

"Arya--" she started.

"I have a lot of work to do, Grammy. I think you should go to bed now," I said, ending the conversation. I didn't want to talk about Lilly right now. It always made me feel so guilty.

Grammy sighed.

"All right, then. Good night, Arya," she said, standing up from the chair.

"Night," I replied as she walked out the door.

When she left, I closed my eyes and leaned against my headboard. I brought a pillow to my face and silently screamed.

What was wrong with my life?

__________________________________________________________________

A/N: A bit short. But it's an update.

Sorry for being so MIA. I didn't realize exactly how busy I would be this semester. It really is crazy for me. I have a lot of work to do and in addition, I really need to be studying for that medical school exam. I can tell you now that the next time I update will most likely be at the end of May or in early June. If you get lucky, I might update during Spring break. But don't hold me to it because I can't make any promises. Any free time I get these days goes into studying for that exam. Please bear with me, guys. I will finish this story eventually. It'll just take a little time.

Anyway, you think Carter will lighten up a bit? Do you think Arya will ever tell him about their daughter?

Leave me a comment and vote!

Until next time...

XOXO