Decalcomania; noun 
The process of transferring something from paper onto glass or porcelain or between sheets of paper

August 2nd 2022 - Tuesday
I almost didn't sleep. You probably know why when you're reading this, if you don't, I'm worried for you and please go get checked for dementia. I'm being for real, cause I will never forget how much my heart is clenching right now.
For a while I've thought his phone was broken or something. I'm so stupid. I had decided that I would go to his house today. It's pouring down right now, but I will do it anyway. He's my boyfriend and he hasn't answered my text and calls from yesterday, getting drenched won't kill me. 

Hi, I just got back. No one opened. I'm scared. Maybe something is actually wrong? Maybe I'm too busy being selfish and scared about what he'll say to me to even worry that something else has happened to him? WHAT IF SOMETHING IS WRONG? I'll now go to the last place I have left to look before I'll start to get even more paranoid. I even texted texted Taehyung, who would've thought? I'm just so scared he's not okay. I'll visit the studio now. He must be there. I really hope he is.
Maybe he already knows? Maybe he knows that my stupid best friend forced his lips on mine. Is that why he's not answering me? I'm so wrong for saying I hope that that is not true. But rather that than... you know... something serious.
Anyways, I'll go now.

Closing her diary, Nia didn't even bother changing her drenched jeans before moving out into the downpour again, only an umbrella to protect her from the wetness as it was too hot to wear a coat.

The weather was still at its peak in degrees.

The girl figured he already knew about her and Hoseok's kiss and it made her legs even heavier on her way to the bus stop. If he already knew somehow, it would put her in an even worse light, and the last thing she needed right now, was for Jungkook not even wanting to talk to her.

What if he wouldn't give her a chance to explain?

What if he wouldn't even look at her?

The whole bus ride went by with her thoughts almost getting the better of her. The girl was usually good at remaining calm in such situations, but her whole existence felt heavy just at this moment.

Getting off the bus, she put up the umbrella to cover her from getting even more wet, but the wind was strong and it was pouring rather horizontal than down. Only the upper half of her torso was covered from the rain drops.

But the girl didn't bother any of that as she only felt worried and in a weird way wished for him to be there knowing about what happened. Anything would be better than not finding him at all, getting a sudden call from the hospital that something happened. 

Her thoughts was all over the place, just as her hair as the wind picked up. It wasn't like it was storming, but her long loose hair stood no chance for not getting tangled.

Reaching the alley she'd come by lots of times before, she neared the studio she wishfully would find Jungkook in.

The corner of her lips turned slightly upwards, noting the light coming through the small window in the door to the studio.

The closer Nia got to the door, the more shielded she was from the wind. It made the loud noise die out and as she was not more than a few meters away from the studio, she recognized the sound of a keyboard playing.

The girl stopped in her tracks, shocked when she faintly heard Jungkook's voice sounding.

A sigh of relief left her mentally, but the girl was holding her breath as she hesitantly reached the door and put her ear against it, listening.

*Play media at the top of the chapter*

When I see you smile in the screen
You're good at everything
You're just perfect
Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me?
Do you know who I am?
Or how do I look now?
You don't like me like that

Come and tell me so much, you beautiful heart
Oh I'm gonna listen to you
Please
All the numbers too bigCan't get out of your game
Oh I want to paint it like you
Please

I want to be your decalcomania
I want you
I want to be your decalcomania
I want
I want you

The umbrella was long forgotten to be held over her head as it had been abandoned on the ground in front of the girl who had sat down, back leant against the door. After her legs caved in, slowly sliding down the door the girl was hugging her legs tightly to her chest, head despairingly falling against the door as she squeezed her eyes shut, not knowing what was tears and what was raindrops rushing down her face.

She was drenched, her thin blouse sticking to her body and her feet soaked inside her shoes. The thunder was striking in the distance, but at this moment everything silenced out for Nia.

She only felt his pain coming from the other side of the door.

The girl let her head fall between her shoulders as she realized what she had done.

This song was not about her, it was because of  her.

Not only had she hurt Jungkook, she had proved his expectations to be right. She realized she had now brought onto Jungkook that he could not show his true self.

The thing he had been the most scared of, but chose to do for her, she ruined.

Jungkook didn't recognize himself when he was with Nia because she made him happy. He wasn't used to being happy. He didn't recognize himself because he was letting his guard down, he was being vulnerable and he was being a better version of himself. 

But after he witnessed what she did, it wasn't a positive thing. He didn't recognize himself because all he had become was weak. 

Even though Nia still felt as if Jungkook was way of a deeper person and she still had a lot to learn about him, she had already come quite far. Hearing the lyrics as the boy behind the wall kept singing, she realized he had opened up more than she would've dared to imagine.

He had let her into his heart, told her about his past, his family and his insecurities.

He had finally overcome his fright, just for his nightmares to become reality.

The girl felt every negative emotion flood over her as she cried into her hands, knees pulled up to her chest, because she felt nothing but small. A pathetic small human being who did the worst thing ever.

She did disappoint him. She did let him down. And she did show him that he couldn't trust anyone.

But...

She didn't leave him.

Nia never wanted to kiss Hoseok. Neither did she want to hurt Jungkook.

It was all a mistake.

It was all one big misunderstanding, right?

The thought lighted a tiny spark in Nia, cause after all she wasn't really a bad person. 

There was nothing more the girl wanted than to open the door and hug Jungkook, telling him affirmative words, words of affection and care. But she knew Jungkook well enough to know that she should give him some time.

Soaked in her tears and drenched in the rain, she willed herself to get up and go home.

Sitting on her stool in front of her easel with an empty canvas as so many times before, the girl pulled up her phone and started typing.

Me: Hi Jungkook. 
I'm not gonna bother you much more until you want me to, but I have this one thing to say... Hoseok kissed me. I hated it. I did not want to kiss him neither did I want him to kiss me. I know it may be hard to believe, but I promise you Jungkook, as so many times before, that I would never hurt you intentionally. It may sound like bullshit coming from me after this, but you have to trust me. I felt and still feel like trash after this happened and I should, even though I did not in any way want this to happen. I was going to tell you as soon as it happened, but knowing you and how much I like you, I wanted to say it to your face, but you didn't answer my texts nor the door at your house. You deserve the best and so much more. I'm so bad at apologizing, but I'm trying. I'm so sorry. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to lose you Jungkook. I've never been as happy as I am with you. It's a selfish request, but Jungkook I need you.
I love you. Nia. 

Quickly she sent the text before letting her eyes fall on the canvas behind her easel.

Belongs to Jungkook

It would be a lie to say her eyes didn't water at the memories.

She rubbed her eyes quickly before she switched out the canvases, already knowing what to paint.