Chapter 75: Replacement

I never felt this kind of pain before. Sobrang sakit sa pakiramdam yung makita mo yung taong mahal mo na lumuhod sa harap mo.

Dark, kneeling in front of me and crying, can be the death of me. It was so painful to watch him that way.

Mukhang ang dami kong nasaktang tao ngayong araw, ah? Gusto kong saktan ang sarili ko dahil sa naisip. I'm no good to anybody. I hurt the people around me and that makes me a bad person. I fucking hate myself.

Tama naman ang desisyon ko, diba? Para saming dalawa naman 'to.

My mind then came back to the thought of escaping. Tila nawalan na ako ng gana. At tila rin nanghihina ako. I can't even think of escaping anymore. And I'm not desperate anymore just like earlier.

May pasok pa pala. Nawala na sa isipan ko 'yon. But in this state, I wouldn't go to my classes.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Wala akong mapuntahan. I can't even go to the fountain area because that place reminds me of him. Wala naman siguro si Julia sa dorm namin, diba? Baka nandoon siya kina Godwin. I don't want her to see me like this and feel bad for me. And most importantly, in this state, I don't want her to know why I'm crying. I just broke up with her brother. She'll probably hate me when she knows. At normal lang 'yon.

I went to our dorm and I locked the front door, sobbing. Akala ko naubos na ang mga luha ko pero hindi pa pala. Just as I have entered the dorm, I started crying again. Parang hindi na ako makahinga at nanghihina ako. My heart is aching so much.

Habang umaakyat sa hagdanan, malapit pa akong mahulog dahil hindi ko na makita ang daanan dahil sa pesteng mga luha ko. But I couldn't care less. Wala na akong pake sa mangyayari sa'kin.

When I entered the bedroom, I lay on my bed and cried my heart out. Confirmed, Julia is not here. So I cried and cried. I never expected this... I never expect that I'll be a part of this love story in a hell hole like this.

It's kind of ironic. This place is scary, people are evil, and everything gets bloody. Pero eto ako, nakaranas ng pagmamahal sa isang lalakeng hindi ko inakalang mamahalin ako at mamahalin ko.

We're already hurting each other. I know it's not just me. I know he's also hurting because of me and he just keeps it to himself in order for me to stay with him. But before it's too late, before we ruin each other, we should just let each other go.

It's raining. At palakas ng palakas ang ulan na tila babagyo. I think I wouldn't be able to do this by myself... I think Dark also contributes to this. Ang tindi talaga ng ulan at may kasamang kulog. Nakakatakot. It hurts that he's hurting right now because of me.

At ang sakit-sakit sa pakiramdam. I have hurt a lot of people. It's not just Dark that I have hurt, also Julia and Selton. Isama na si Chad. I might not kill people here, but I still hurt them. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. If only I could avoid them and stay away, I would've done it already. I need to stay away so I wouldn't be able to hurt them anymore.
But it's kind of impossible in this state. This place is small for us.

I'll cry it all out. I want to make a promise to myself right now. And it's not easy but I'll do it anyway... Huling iyak ko na 'to. Ilalabas ko lahat ngayong araw. And in the next day, I'll renew myself. And I know it wouldn't be easy pero kakayanin ko.

My heart is aching so much while I cry. Tila hindi na ako makahinga na para bang unti-unti kong pinapatay yung sarili ko. Tila unti-unti akong namamatay dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman.

Bigla kong naisip ang pinagsamahan namin. I will never forget how his pupils dilate every time he stares at me. They say that if your pupils dilate with the thought of someone or while looking at someone, it means that the person you're looking at is very special to you. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba talaga yung ganon pero lagi akong nabibighani sa mga mata niya.

I tried to smile despite the pain I'm feeling. But the smile I tried to make is also full of pain. It's useless for me to smile. Reminiscing the past will do me no good. Mas masasaktan lang ako sa ginagawa ko. Para akong tanga.

Ilalabas ko lahat ng luha ko ngayon. May eye mask naman akong nabili sa grocery store nung nakaraan. Julia was the one who recommended it to me. Maganda daw 'yon sa mukha and I think it would help my swollen eyes. Ayoko namang pumunta sa klase bukas na namamaga ang mga mata dahil sa kakaiyak. I look like shit right now and I still have to compose myself once I get out of this dorm.

Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na ako dahil sa kakaiyak. Napagod din pala ang mga mata ko. And when I woke up, I felt my head throbbing.

Nang tumayo ako, nahilo pa ako. It's still raining at dumidilim na. I looked at the clock and it's already five. Agad naman akong napaisip. I was asleep so it's not me who caused the rain.

It's probably Dark. My heart hurt again by the thought of it. Pero may posibilidad pa rin na hindi siya 'yon. We both have observed it. If we feel too much pain or anger, it reflects onto the skies. It depends on what we feel. But also, there are times when it occurs naturally because of Mother Nature.

Sinuyod ko ang dorm at wala pa si Julia. Baka magkasama sila ni Godwin. I know she's safe when she's with Godwin. May tiwala ako 'don.

I just decided to cook dinner even how weak I was. Natulog nga ako pero parang pagod pa din at masakit ang ulo ko. But I still managed to walk around the kitchen.

Naghanap ako ng pwedeng lutuin sa cookbook na hiniram ko sa library. And I just decided to cook meatballs with sweet garlic sauce. Meron kaming meatballs na ready to cook na kaya pinagtuunan ko ng pansin ang garlic sauce.

After I finished cooking the food, I scooped some rice for myself and I ate. Nagutom din pala ako dahil sa pagod at kakaiyak.

I heard the opening of the door and I saw Julia walking in. She went straight to the second floor. She didn't even look at me. Pero tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa pag-kain. And when I finished my food, I washed the dishes.

Sinadya kong damihan ang luto at baka gusto niyang kumain. Even though we had a fight, I still care for her. Ayaw ko namang malipasan siya ng gutom.

It's actually hard to live with someone you had a fight with. Bibigyan niyo ng cold treatment ang isa't-isa, at pataasan pa ng pride. But for me, it's not pride. Nasaktan lang talaga ako sa sinabi niya sa'kin at alam kong nasaktan ko din siya.

See? I have hurt a lot of people.

*****

Morning came and I looked at myself on the mirror. My eyes look better than yesterday since I put the eye mask. I went straight to the bathroom to take a bath. Parang wala rin akong ganang kumain pero gumawa na lang ako ng sandwich that has cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce. Ginawan ko na rin si Julia kung sakaling kakain siya. Nagtimpla na din ako ng hot choco.

I decided to wear a black shirt and I tucked it in my ripped jeans. I also wore my crop top denim jacket dahil medyo malamig sa labas.

I was spacing out while eating my breakfast. Hindi pa rin nawawala yung sakit na nararamdaman ko pero pipilitin kong maging matatag.

I could hear Julia's footsteps above and she's probably preparing too. After I ate my sandwich, I brushed my teeth and I just put some tint on my lips and cheeks. I also applied powder. Wala akong ganang maglagay ng kung anong cosmetic sa mukha pero ang putla kong tignan kung hindi ako maglalagay.

Nag-alinlangan pa akong umalis. Magpapaalam ba ako? O hindi na? It'll probably be awkward kaya hindi na lang siguro.

When I arrived in front of Prof Leonsio's classroom, nagdadalawang-isip pa ako kung papasok ba o hindi. Memories of yesterday came rushing in. I should be extra careful now and of course, act normal na parang wala akong narinig na top secret.

"Good morning, Prof." Bati ko bago umupo sa upuan ko. He just nodded at me as a response.

Hindi ko na napag-isipang umupo sa ibang upuan. I just sat on my original seat na katabi ni Julia. Pero thirty minutes na ang nakalipas at wala pa siya. Nagle-lecture na si Prof Leonsio sa gitna.

I can't help but to worry. She's okay, right? Kinukumbinsi ko lang ang sarili ko na ayos lang siya. She's not the type of person to ditch her classes except when Madame would call her to go to her office. 'Yun siguro ang dahilan. Baka Madame called her.

All throughout the class, I was thinking of two things; kung nasaan na ba si Julia at yung mga galaw ni Prof. Mas observant na ako ngayon sa mga galaw niya but I acted natural. He's really smart and quick-witted so I should be really careful.

After the class ended, I went to the next one. Pero yung utak ko, hindi nagco-cooperate. Wala akong maintindihan dahil nag-aalala ako kay Julia. Nasaan na ba siya? Ba't hindi siya pumasok?

Di kaya... may nangyari masama sa kanya habang papunta siya sa klase? I last saw her preparing in our dorm. Pero bakit wala siya? No one would harm her, right? She's the President's sister for Pete's sake! She has the privilege... unless?

Gusto kong mapasigaw dahil sa mga katanungan sa utak ko at dahil na rin sa pag-aalala. But I trust Dark. He won't let anything happen to his sister.

The thought of Dark made my heart ache again. I should stop thinking of him kahit hindi ganon kadali. Although I cried it all out last night, hindi ko pa din kayang mag-move on. At hindi ganon kadaling mag-move on sa taong minahal mo talaga ng sobra.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng second period class, hinanap ko si Julia. I went to our dorm first but I didn't see her there.

What if she's with Godwin? There's a big possibility na kasama niya 'to. And I know that Godwin is the one who comforts her every time she had problems... with me or with anyone else.

I went to Godwin and Mrs. Kang's dorm next. I took a deep breath before knocking continuously. Pero walang sumagot. Wala yatang tao. All I know is Mrs. Kang really wouldn't be here since she has classes pero nagbabakasakali lang naman ako na nandito sina Godwin at Julia. Pero wala, eh.

Kung nakita ko si Julia, hindi ko naman siya guguluhin o pipiliting pumasok sa klase. I just want to know if she's safe.
Wala siya sa dorm namin, wala rin siya sa dorm nila Godwin. Where could she be?

Nagpatuloy pa ako sa paghahanap sa kanya at habang naglalakad-lakad at naghahanap, iba yata ang nahanap ko.

Si Dark at Reena... naghahalikan.

Agad kong naramdaman ang maiinit na luha na lumalandas sa pisngi ko. Nasa loob sila ng fountain area at medyo tago, but it was enough for me to see their side profiles.

Walang pag-aalinlangan akong tumakbo palayo habang ang isang kamay ay nasa dibdib. Ang sakit-sakit sa pakiramdam na parang hindi ako makahinga. I couldn't stand there and watch them any longer.

Punyeta, ang sakit-sakit ng puso ko. Parang sinaksak ako ng paulit-ulit.

Nang makarating ako sa dorm, nanginginig kong kinuha ang susi mula sa bag ko. It took me a while to open the fucking door since I'm trembling so bad and I think I might breakdown at any minute.

When I successfully entered, I immediately shut the door. Humilig ako 'don. I can't stifle my sobs. Tila hindi maubos-ubos ang luha ko. I cried a lot yesterday and today, I cried again... and this time, so much more.

What am I feeling? Selos? Galit? Lungkot? Ano? All I know is I'm crying so bad and I might have a breakdown any minute.

Napa-upo ako sa sahig, nakahilig pa rin sa pintuan. "I-It was y-yesterday that I asked y-you to fucking break up with me. T-Tapos malalaman ko na lang, k-kinabukasan na may iba ka na kaagad? Tangina, Dark, ang bilis ko ba talagang makalimutan at palitan?"

Humagulgol pa ako dahil sa pinagsasabi ko. Fuck men, fuck feelings, fuck insecurities, fuck everything. Pagdating nga talaga sa pagmamahal, nagiging bobo ang tao.

Kung minahal niya talaga ako katulad ng sinabi niya sa'kin, at kung hindi niya kayang mabuhay kung wala ako, eh bakit may iba na siya agad? Tapos si Reena pa? Siguro nga kulang ako para sa kanya. Siguro nakukulangan siya sa pagmamahal na ibinigay ko sa kanya kaya agad siyang pumunta kay Reena.

Reena loves him so much.

And I love him so much that I chose to let him go because our relationship is unhealthy for the both of us. We both need the space.

But fuck it, it's day one of our break up and I just saw him kissing another girl? I thought he loved me but why... why did he do this to me?

I may not have the right to feel this way anymore since I already broke up with him, pero fuck, he clearly said he loves me yesterday and he doesn't want to break up with me. Kung totoong mahal niya ako bakit nagawa niya sa'kin 'to?

I believed his words... And every damn time he says sweet and flowery words to me, I feel the warmth in my heart.

But now, come to think of it, every time he says he loves me... was that all a lie? Because when you love someone, you wouldn't be able to recover from the heartbreak easily. And if you really do love someone, you wouldn't be able to find a replacement that fast.

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