Chapter 71: Suicide

"It's so good!" I faked my enthusiasm. The food Dark cooked is really good but I couldn't enjoy it. I'm very insecure at the moment.

"Really?" Hamon niya.

"O-Of course! You're the best cook!" I said with a bright smile, yet fake one.

"Zaya, tell me what has been bothering you. I know there's something in that head of yours."

"P-Paano mo naman nasabi?" I blinked a few times.

"I can sense it. Did you forget? We have a special connection with each other since we both have the power. And by the way you blinked a few times already and the way you're uneasy, I could really tell you have something in that mind of yours. So spill."

Pwede na siyang psychiatrist. Papasa na siya.

"I think I shouldn't discuss it with you," I said while playing with my food using my fork.

"Why?"

Bakit nga ba? Dahil ba kung may malaman ako, masasaktan ako? I'm scared, alright. I'm scared of the pain.

"Zaya, what is it? May nasabi ba si Demi sayo? Did she offend you?"

Umiling ako. "What I'm thinking has nothing to do with Demi. We were fine when we talked."

"Then what is this about? Can't you really tell me? I won't force you to tell me but I'm worried."

Yumuko ako. "I'm sorry,"

"About what?"

I faced him. "About me, not opening up to you at times."

"It's alright, I understand. Pero sana kausapin mo naman ako. I'm worried here, having no clue."

I shifted on my seat. "Dark, what if you'll find someone better than me?"

Halatang nagulat siya sa tanong. "What?"

"You heard me," Mahina kong sabi. Parang nanghihina ako. Siguro dadating yung panahong 'yon.

"Is this what's bugging you?"

I slowly nodded. "I wasn't like this before... You see, I-I... I had a boyfriend before. My outlook was if he loves me, then he would stay with me, hindi niya ako iiwan. That was always my outlook before you came. Ngayon, n-natatakot ako."

His jaw clenched. "Why didn't you tell me about you having a boyfriend before?"

Parang hindi niya narinig yung iba kung sinabi, ah. "It's not important to me anymore. It's the past."

He just stared at me.

"I-I'm scared, Dark. What if you find someone better? What if I'm not enough?" Naluha na ako. Fuck myself for being a cry baby!

He went to me and caressed my cheeks, and wiping away the tears like he's wiping away the pain I'm feeling.

"Can't you see? We have this powerful connection between us. We both have the power. Maybe destiny has brought us together... I love you and I have never felt this strong attraction before."

"I-I love you too," I answered and kissed him.

He kissed me back with equal fervor.

*****

I'm currently at the first period class. Nagtanong nga si Julia kung bakit ako nawala ng ganon-ganon na lang. Nagtampo pa nga siya sa'kin dahil nag-alala daw talaga siya. I then just told her that Dark brought me to his office and we lost track of time.

At ayon na nga, tinukso niya ako na baka anong kababalaghan daw ang ginawa namin sa opisina ng kuya niya. It's a good thing she's just whispering at kaming dalawa lang ang nakakarinig! And she gave me an idea about doing it in the office and that's so embarrassing! Loka-loka din talaga 'tong kaibigan ko!

After the discussion, we proceeded to our next class, as always. Minsan talaga naiisip ko na lang, nakakapagod talagang mag-aral. Bago ako mapadpad dito, back when I was in the university, napapaisip din ako kung ano ang mangyayari sa'kin kapag tumigil ako sa pag-aaral. But I wouldn't, of course. Strikto nga ang parents ko, tapos gusto kong may marating din sa buhay, hihinto pa ako? It's just a thought and one of my "what ifs" in life.

Prof Almira just gave us seat work which was so boring and tiring. It's five questions, answerable by five or more sentences. Pagkatapos ko, ininat ko ang mga braso at kamay ko. My hands are aching because of writing. Ito talaga ang buhay estudyante.

It took us more than an hour to finish the seat work since brainstorming is a must, dahil nga parang essay ang sagot sa bawat bilang and the questions aren't that easy.

Ano na lang kaya ang sasabihin ni Prof Leonsio dahil mala-late kami sa klase niya? We have two classes with him already and that sucks big time. First period na siya ngayon sa umaga tapos third period pa sa hapon. Parang maloloka ako sa kanya. He's teaching is good, alright. But then again, he's creepy and boastful as fuck.

I checked the time and we're fifteen minutes late. We already entered his classroom and everyone is quiet. Prof Leonsio was just sitting on his chair while impatiently tapping his fingers on his desk.

When everyone was finally seated, he spoke. "You're fifteen minutes late... What is the reason behind this?"

No one dared to speak.

"No one would answer me?"

Dahil walang ni isa na nais sumagot sa mga kaklase ko, tumayo na ako. "In our previous class, we had a seat work that took us more than an hour to answer, Prof."

Nagsitinginan naman agad ang mga kaklase ko sa'kin. Ang iba'y nabigla, at ang iba'y namangha yata. But why would they? Sinagot ko lang naman yung tanong ni Prof since no one dared to answer.

Prof gave me a grin. "I see,"

I then sat back on my chair and Julia immediately whispered in my ear. "Remember when we met for the first time? You said you weren't brave at all? But look,"

"I'm really amazed by you, Miss Dawnt. There's really something about you..." Prof Leonsio said, still grinning from ear to ear. This creep! "Again, set Miss Dawnt as an example. Be brave and stand up."

I hate it when he keeps saying that! This is the second time! Hindi ba pwedeng tumango na lang siya as a response? Dapat niya ba talaga akong e-shoutout sa mga kaklase ko? It's just a small thing! And I don't want the attention, seriously. Hindi ako pasikat or anything like that.

Walang ano-ano'y nagsimula na siya sa pagtatalakay ng leksyon.

"The solution for your problem is like your client if you're an attorney. You should defend it... And also, it can be comparable to evidence from a crime scene. You're the detective, and the solution for your solvings is the evidence." He explained. "Dapat na pangatawanan mo ang sagot mo and don't just make up solutions of your own that we both know are wrong. You will just look like a fool in front of everybody."

Well, he's right. Magmumukhang tanga ka lang sa karamihan kung gumagawa-gawa ka lang ng sarili mong solusyon sa math problems na mali naman. Mapapahiya ka lang. And the way he compares the solutions to different scenarios, parang expert na talaga siya. Is he a lawyer too? You've got to be kidding me...

"And I haven't said, but I also have studied Law. And I topped the board exams in Law school."

There it is, as if sagot sa tanong ko. He's really intelligent! He's a teacher in both English and Calculus, and he's also a lawyer! Ano pa ba ang meron sa professor na 'to na hindi ko alam? Is he also a chemist or something like that?

After his class ended, I felt like shit. My brain is tired of processing all the mathematical equations that Prof Leonsio discussed. I feel drained.

Nang makarating na kami sa classroom ni Prof Magallanes na ang layo pa naman, sinabihan kami na free cut. Meaning, wala siya at walang klase sa subject niya. Nag-effort pa talaga kaming maglakad ng malayo tapos yun pala, wala naman siya. But at least, walang pasok. I could go back to the dorm earlier than usual and I could rest.

Habang pabalik na kami, biglang nagpakita si Godwin.

"Hi, Zaya," He greeted with his boyish smile. I just smiled back. He then diverted his attention to his girlfriend. "Wala kayong pasok?"

"Wala, eh. Ikaw?" Julia answered with a smile.

"Wala din... I have something to show you."

"Really? Ano?"

"Basta. You need to come with me."

"Okay," Excited na sabi ni Julia. Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Sama ka?"

Agad naman akong umiling. I don't want to interfere with their relationship. Feeling ko, third wheel ako. And I want them to enjoy it together.

"Eh paano ka?" Tanong ni Julia.

"Come on, Juls, I can handle myself. At gusto ko nang magpahinga sa dorm."

"Okay, then. See you later." She said and waved her hand at me before clinging to Godwin.

I just smiled with the sight of them. Mapapa-sana all ka na lang talaga. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of them. I have my own so why would I be jealous? It's just that the relationship they have is nice. Marami talagang mapapa-sana all sa kanila.

I feel so tired while walking, I even huffed. I feel like my eyes are about to give up, really. Ito talaga ang buhay estudyante. Not that easy. But Prof Leonsio studied different kinds of courses and how did he even handle it? If he handled it well, then I could too. Everyone could.

I halted on my tracks when I heard a woman crying. I immediately knew where she was since I saw her throw something white. She's in an empty space between two classrooms. It's a vacant spot so you could stay there if you want to.

I slowly walked and took a peek of what was happening. She was crying her heart out. Ayokong makialam but there's something inside me that wants to console her. Bakit palagi akong ganito? I don't consider myself someone kind or whatever! And I don't want to self-proclaim.

I got a clearer view of the white thing that she just threw. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. What the actual fuck... pregnancy test?

Agad akong kinabahan. I'm thinking of the possibilities of what could happen to her and her baby. They will die! Kawawa siya pero mas kawawa ang bata!

I haven't encountered anything like this ever before! And this never crossed my mind even though I already had sex with Dark!

Fear then consumed me as I remembered something... Paano kung buntis din ako? Dark didn't use protection that night and I'm not drinking contraceptive pills since I thought I wouldn't be needing it!

Mas lumakas pa ang hagulgol ng babae, which brought me back to reality.

I slowly walked towards her, nag-aalinlangan pa nung una. Nagulat naman siya at agad niyang pinalis yung mga luha niya.

"W-Who are you?" She tried to make her voice firm but failed. New batch of tears fell from her eyes again.

"Are you alright? Well I... I could see you aren't. How stupid of me to even ask that."

"W-What do you want? I n-need space right now so do you mind?" She said while trying to wipe her tears.

"Can I help you?"

"You can't. You clearly can't."

"I'm sorry," I said looking at the pregnancy test. "I may not help you but I can console you."

Nagulat naman siya sa sinabi ko. "S-Sino ka? B-Bakit mo naman tutulungan ang katulad k-ko? Hindi mo ba ako sasabihan ng masasakit na salita dahil pinabayaan kong mabuntis ako?"

"No, I wouldn't. You're already feeling bad about this and I don't want to add up."

"A-Ang h-hirap," She cried more. "Bakit ang bobo ko pagdating sa kanya? Ginawa ko lahat ng gusto niya dahil mahal ko siya... But why can't he do the same to me?"

My heart aches for her. She was one of the souls that needed to be comforted. Bakit nga ba ang bobo ng tao pagdating sa pagmamahal? This shit sucks always.

"I-I love him with all of me... I thought I was special to him since he shows kindness to me. He's a jerk, yes, but he also has this kind side in him. P-Pero ano 'to, nakita ko siyang may kalantaring ibang babae? I always see him with someone else but this time, I've had enough." Humagulgol pa siya. It's as if she doesn't care if she can't breathe anymore because of crying. "W-Wala ngang kami pero umaasa ako na magugustuhan niya ako once I give myself to him... P-Pero hindi ako sapat. At e-eto na nga ang bunga ng pagpapakatanga ko."

Lumapit na ako sa kanya at umupo sa tabi niya. Hinagod ko ang likod niya at hinayaan niya lang naman ako.

"Ano ang gagawin mo ngayon? The life of the child is too dangerous here."

"M-Mamahalin ko yung bata. Anak ko, eh. Anak namin. Pero paano? Paano ko siya mabubuhay sa lugar na 'to? It's impossible! Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko."

"Have you already talked with the father?"

"Oo, at ang masakit pa don, sinabihan niya akong ipalaglag. Hinding-hindi niya daw ako magugustuhan. Isa lang daw ako sa mga babae niya. Ang sakit-sakit sobra... Tangina 'tong buhay na 'to. Ayoko na."

Whoever the father of the child is, he's a motherfucking jerk. Isa siyang duwag. And how could he say that as if it's so easy? Why is it so easy for him to just order to abort the baby? Syempre hindi siya ang maghihirap sa pagbubuntis at lahat-lahat. I may not be in this woman's situation but I know how painful it is.

My mother lost my supposedly half brother/sister while she's pregnant. How did she feel? Syempre masakit din. Masakit din para sa'kin 'yon. There's that little human growing inside you and it will be just... gone.

"You know what, you should rest for now. Please take note that it's not just you anymore. There's a little human growing inside you and you need to take care of yourself."

Inilalayan ko siyang tumayo at tinulungan ko siyang makapunta sa dorm niya ng ligtas. She might have a breakdown and no one would help her.

When we finally reached her dorm, she was finally calm... well just a little pero mabuti na 'yon. "Thank you,"

I just smiled at her.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Zaya,"

"You're name is familiar. I probably heard it somewhere o baka guni-guni ko lang... Again, thank you for comforting me. I feel a little bit better, honestly. Hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin ko pero salamat sa pag-comfort sa'kin."

"No problem. Now rest because you need it right now."

She just gave me a slight smile before entering her dorm. Bumuntong-hininga naman ako.

I then immediately panicked when I remembered something. What if I'm also pregnant?

Yung antok ko kanina, nawala na talaga. I went as fast as I could in the grocery store. Actually hindi ko alam kung saan talaga bibilhin 'yun pero I have a strong gut feeling na nasa grocery store. Saan pa ba?

I was right. Nasa grocery store nga. I bought one test and I also bought pills. I don't know why I even bought pills! It took me more than ten minutes to go to the cashier. I haven't pulled this stunt before and it feels new to me at nakakahiya! But seriously, what if I'm pregnant? I didn't feel the symptoms at all pero meron yatang ganon. Better safe than sorry.

After I bought it, agad akong pumunta sa pinakamalapit na banyo. Medyo malinis naman kaya ayos na.

I don't even know how to use this thing! But thank goodness the directions of use were clear. At kung isang linya daw, negative, meaning hindi buntis. Tapos kung dalawang linya, positive, buntis.

My hands are shaking while waiting for the result. I'm becoming very impatient every second that passes. Ba't ang tagal?!

After a few more seconds, nagpakita ang isang linya. Negative. I'm not pregnant!

Nakahinga ako ng maayos. Not now. Not yet. This place is very dangerous.

I walked as fast as I could to my dorm. Nandoon na kaya si Julia? At sasabihin ko ba kay Dark yung ginawa kong test? It's unnecessary I think. At maiilang lang ako! It will be awkward for sure!

Nang dumating ako sa dorm, wala pa si Julia but I was startled to see Dark. Again, he has a duplicate key. Bigla namang sumagi sa isip ko yung pagiging insecure ko. When will this insecurity end? I want peace of mind, damn it. This is eating me up.

"How's your day? Tiring?" He asked and kissed me on my forehead.

"Yes," Tangi kong sagot.

"What's bugging you again? 'Yun pa rin ba?"

I wouldn't lie so I nodded.

"Baby, it's only you. I already told you that you're the only one I want."

"I'm just thinking of your past. You seem so... experienced."

Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "What do you mean?"

I should open up about this now. Kahit masakit man, bahala na. And it's the past pero bakit gusto ko pa ring malaman?

"You might have fucked around before. I-I just have this insecurity that's eating me up. I might not be better than any of your girls—"

"Zaya, stop." I know he knows what I mean already. "Yes, I have fucked around before. I had flings. But it's the past. You said it yourself that the past doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me anymore. What matters to me is you... us."

I looked at his eyes intently. "I'm sorry for acting like this. It's just eating me up."

"It's alright. But please do know that I love you."

"I love you too,"

He then leaned in for a kiss. It deepened and we kissed for almost a minute when the door immediately opened.

I gasped at agad ko namang natulak si Dark, causing him to fall on the couch. Nakatayo kasi kami.

"Oh my..." Julia gasped. "I saw what happened so don't deny it."

Namula naman yung pisngi ko. Mukha na akong kamatis, for sure! Shit lang talaga! Dark was just being cool. Naka-dekwatro siya.

Julia just smirked before going upstairs. Ako naman, napaupo sa tabi ni Dark at tinakpan ko ang mukha ko gamit ang aking mga palad. I'm so embarrassed!

*****

Morning came so fast. Julia wouldn't stop bombarding me with questions last night. And also she was teasing me all night for what she saw! Akala ko nga hindi na siya matatapos sa panunukso sa'kin, eh! Laking pasasalamat ko na lang ng nakaramdam siya ng antok.

I did my usual routine every morning. I decided to cook for us this morning. I'm just gonna fry some bacon and also cook eggs. Just a typical breakfast.

Ilang minuto pagkatapos kong nagising, nagising din si Julia. At ayan na naman siya, tinukso na naman ako.

"Kayo ba ni Godwin ha, ano na ang ganap sa inyo? Naghahalikan din kayo?" I shot back at her and she was caught off guard. Nanggigigil na ako sa kanya kaya I fired back at her.

Hindi niya na ako tinukso pa pagkatapos nun. Ayaw niya kasing pag-usapan yung tungkol sa kanila ni Godwin. Ang cute niya talaga!

After eating, taking a bath and all, dumiretso na kami sa first period class namin.

Pero bago pa kami makapasok sa classroom ni Prof Leonsio, a woman above the library's roof caught our attention.

Marami ring nagsitinginan sa babae and when I got a clear sight of her face, nagulat ako nung makitang iyon ang babae kahapon!

The pregnant woman! Fuck! How did she even manage to get there?!

I ran as fast as I could to get closer to the library. Hindi naman gaano kalayo ang library at medyo malapit lang sa classroom ni Prof Leonsio but the library is huge and you could see its roof and there was the woman, standing on the damn roof!

She was crying again. Akala ko ba maayos na siya?

"Hey, please get down from there!" I shouted at her and she just looked at me and gave me a fake smile.

Yung mga tao sa paligid, walang pakialam sa kanya pero nakatingin lang naman ang mga ito. Parang gustong-gusto nila ng drama. It's like a fucking show for them!

"Miss, bumaba ka na! I thought you were already fine? Please!" I said, already begging.

"I would never be fine," Para siyang baliw. Umiiyak na parang gusto pa ding tumawa.

"Maawa ka naman sa bata!" Nasabi ko na lang dahil nagpa-panic na ako.

"Kahit anuman ang gawin ko, mamamatay pa din naman kami ng baby ko. Kaya tatapusin ko na lang ang pagdurusang ito." She held her tummy. Damn, this is heartbreaking as fuck.

"Please, Miss, huwag!" Ako lang talaga yung umaawat sa kanya.

"Chad, bakit hindi ako? B-Bakit?"

Parang nabingi naman ako sa narinig na pangalan mula sa bibig niya. What the actual fuck? Si Chad? Si Chad ang ama ng anak niya? Chad fucking Wirth?!

"Mahal kita, Chad! Mahal na mahal na kaya kong ibigay lahat sayo! Pero bakit hindi ka makontento sa'kin? Bakit hindi na lang ako?" Humagulgol siya ng humagulgol.

"Miss, please, there's another way. Huwag ganito. Maawa ka sa sarili mo... sa baby mo."

Umiling-iling lang siya. I was already tempted to go inside the library and find a way to get her away from the roof but she spoke again. "Don't try to save me. I need to do this. I want to end this."

"Huwag ka namang selfish! May bata kang dinadala!" Sigaw ko sa kanya. The clouds then turned dark but I didn't care about it at the moment. "It's not just you. You have someone inside you."

"Wala si Chad dito. Hindi niya maririnig ang mga sinasabi ko. Siguro may kalantari naman yung iba." Mapait siyang ngumiti at nagulat ako ng kumuha siya ng kutsilyo mula sa bulsa niya.

"No!" I shouted but it was too late.

She stabbed her heart. And the blood was flooding from her heart down to her dress. Tears fell from her eyes and together, she fell from the roof of the library.

Nagpagulong-gulong siya. Her head was also full of blood now. And also, there was blood oozing on her leg. She's gone... and the innocent child in her womb is also gone.

Natakpan ko ang bibig ko. She didn't deserve this... The child especially, doesn't deserve this at all!

I felt someone hold my shoulder. I looked and it was Julia. She immediately enveloped me with a hug.

Chad... Why? Why are you like this? Paano nasisikmura ng tao ang ganito?

A woman who's pregnant just committed suicide for she thinks her life is so fucked up. Today, another life of someone innocent is ruined. Totally ruined.

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A/N: Hi! How are y'all keeping up with the quarantine? I hope everyone's safe. Anyways, I'm already planning on the upcoming chapters as fast as possible so I would be able to finish this story this year. It's my first time to write something like this so it takes me a while to finish. Thank you to my solid readers for the support! Do vote and comment. ILYSM <3