Jaiden went to his old room, and he could tell that it had been a while since someone lived in there. The air was stale, and dust had settled on the surfaces. It was strange what two months could do. But he definitely did not feel like this was home anymore. It didn't have the warmth and feeling of belonging he felt in Toni's home. He felt like this apartment was alien to him, and he felt a need to leave quickly.

The cold room reminded him of how he lived two months ago... broken and distant.  He always believed that it was easier like that. He stripped himself of his personality, and he only focused on work... his long-lost rules were all he could hold onto for months until Toni.

He was a minimalist with very few items that decorated his living area. There was nothing truly personalized in this room and very few sentimental items. His grey walls were utterly bare and looked drab with his plain white duvet.  It was strange to see because he was used to living in a bright, vibrant home with Toni.  

He looked over the room and found the only two pictures he owned sitting on his end table. One of Carlos and him when he got detective, and the other with his friends when they graduated high school. He reached out and picked up the one with Carlos and wiped off some of the dust.

The anniversary of his death was less than a week away. He had tried to put the date at the back of his mind. However, his wounded heart was keeping track of the passing time; each pump was like a clock counting down and was becoming more foreboding the closer he was to the date.  But he was surprised that looking at the picture didn't hurt as much as he expected.  Last year, he had placed the picture in a drawer and locked it away because the pain and memories were unbearable. It was a dull ache but not all-consuming.

This year was different than before. Lately, he laughed more and enjoyed what he could rather than wallowing in his grief. He used to think that he was betraying Carlos on the days he didn't feel the unbridled pain when thinking of him, but now he felt like he was honoring Carlos' memories by trying to enjoy his life.

The life he had been living before wasn't a full life, but that all changed the moment Toni walked into his life—well, it was more like Jaiden ran into Toni's life. He laughed lightly while looking at the picture. Carlos would be happy for him and would have loved Toni.

Unlike Jaiden, Carlos seemed to have a good judge of character. He trusted so easily with his heart and gut and strived to be a good man every day. It was something Jaiden had neglected amid his mourning. But lately, Carlos's examples and words echoed in his soul more often than naught. They even started to seep into his dreams, like he was still there with him. Jaiden realized that the more progress he made to accept his loss and strive to live happily, the more Carlos would be prevalent in his life.

Jaiden had always joked about Carlos being too good of a man. Who would be brave enough to take some smartass kid out of a holding cell and into his home? He should have steered clear of someone as messed up as Jaiden. But Carlos would always tell him that he saw a good man inside Jaiden.

One night, when he was sharing a beer with Carlos, he asked him how he could become a good man. Carlos' answer had been rattling inside of Jaiden's mind lately.

"Being a good man is hard, but there is a trick to the trade... Fall in love with someone who is a better person than you and then surpass their standards."

Jaiden smiled at the picture. "I think I understand what you meant." He said quietly to it. He finally found the best person who made him want to be a good man.

He moved the picture of Carlos and the one from his graduation to his backpack.  He then went to his old desk and pulled out a blank Moleskine notebook. It was the ones that Carlos always used when cases would become complicated. He would write down every fact he could think of in the journal. It was how he would remember things and have everything click into place. It was another habit that Jaiden picked up, and he needed it for this case.

He paused for a moment and stared at his closet.  He took a deep breath before opening the door and shifting a couple of boxes.  In the corner of the close sat a hidden Moleskine, but this was thick and worn as if it had been through hell with him. His hand hovered it for a moment, debating whether or not he should touch it. However, he knew that if he wanted to open up to Toni truly, he would also need this notebook. He picked it up with a trembling hand and placed it in the backpack.

He suppressed a shudder as he zipped up his backpack and steadied his emotions. He walked out of the bedroom and found Nate and Patricia in the kitchen. He smiled a little. "I'll be out of your hair for now. I'll... uh... knock next time."

Patricia blushed. "Stop it. We'll be more considerate of you. We just didn't expect - well, it doesn't matter. It was good seeing you. It's been a while." She said with a laugh and hugged him.

Jaiden returned her hug and stepped away. He looked her up and down, happy to see the bump showing. "You look good. Healthy and happy."

She nodded. "I am. Nate has been a stickler with all of my doctor appointments and takes me everywhere I need to be. He's even reading about birthing plans to prepare me."

Jaiden bore a shocked expression. "Nate reads?"

"Ass!" Nate flipped him off with a smirk.

Jaiden laughed and hugged him too. "Good for you, burro. If you guys need anything, let me know."

"I need you to move in with Toni." Nate grumbled.

"In time. You'll be rid of me eventually." Jaiden said with a chuckle. He patted his shoulder and readjusted his backpack on his shoulders. "But seriously, I'll call or knock before I enter next time. Nate's ass is the last thing I want to see in the morning."

He laughed as he hurried out of the apartment, knowing that Nate would chase him out.

Jaiden exited the complex and placed his helmet over his head.  He suddenly felt a chill like something was out of place, and his eyes scanned the parking lot. He had been feeling increasingly detached from this apartment. Still, he didn't know if the unease he was feeling was associated with his detachment or something else... like something was unsettling.

He swung his leg over the bike and paused. He looked around at the cars parked in the lot. Nothing seemed out of place.

Quite a few cars, mostly older and used models. A few bikes, but none as old as his. There are more trucks than anything, but it's New Mexico, and trucks are a common thing to see. A couple of vans caught his eye, especially one with a rose emblem on its front grill.

He shook it off, though, thinking that his nerves were stressing him, so he jumped at everything. 

Setting the ordeal with Xavier aside, the case was becoming increasingly grim. They got the morgue report from the pastor and found that the Lady of Guadalupe figurine was stuffed in Pastor Gibson's throat—stabbed in the gaping wound. It had the same disfigurements as the others, except this one was stained red with blood.  Additionally, the killer used pig's blood instead of a lamb.  Perhaps it was his way of saying the pastor was a pig in real life.

The killer seemed angry. He could only hope that they had some luck with the fingerprint they found. But so far, nothing had come up with previous arrest records. He feared that the killer was someone who hadn't gotten caught before. A ghost, basically.

He sighed a little, trying to shake off his anxious thoughts. He gave the van one more sideways look before kicking his feet off the ground and driving off.

The ride to the precinct made Jaiden miss his regular drive with Toni.  He didn't realize how comfortable he was inside the car with Toni's hand on his knee.  He was starting to build excitement to see him at the precinct, and perhaps he could talk to him about moving in together.  Before he talked about moving in, he needed to talk about the notebook weighing heavily in his backpack. 

He was ready to share it with Toni despite his initial apprehension.  Toni needed to see all of him, and if Toni still loved him, then Jaiden would be all in.  No more secrets. No more hidden words were trapped in his nightmares.  Toni would have everything about him.

He smiled a little, finding hope in that future.

He was too caught up in his thoughts and didn't realize the surrounding cars were honking at a van running the light.  He was oblivious until the engine's roaring was almost on top of him.  His breath hitched, and he tried to accelerate, but the van was too close and coming too quickly.  They weren't even slowing down. 

He tried to will his bike to take off.  His heart clenched as he felt the heat radiating off the van, but he almost cleared it.  He was almost there.  He glanced back at the van, trying to grab as many details as possible, and felt his stomach sink when he saw the rose from the apartment complex's parking lot.

He was being followed.

He tried to accelerate out of the way but cursed when he realized that the van was swerving towards him as if they were trying to hunt him down on his bike. 

"Fuck." He yelled as the van crashed into his back tire, and the motorcycle spun out of control.  He tried to hold on, but the force of the collision dislodged him, and he was flung from the bike.

There was silence as he was floating in the air.  He was unable to hear the screams of the spectators or the tires peeling out from the van. 

It was a strange feeling, like everything was in slow motion, and he couldn't help but admire the sky was piercing blue with bright white clouds scattered across.  He wanted to laugh and curse at the same time.

But then the sky was obscured by a blinding white light as his helmet slammed into the road.  He felt his body bounced and land heavily on his left arm before he rolled and slid a little further down the road.

The pain was sharp.  Everything hurt and his skin burned.  He wanted to breathe, but even that was too much of a strain. Instead of sucking in air, he felt like he was drinking molasses.

He was on his side now, but his view was mainly asphalt and feet hurriedly approaching him.  He felt a warm trickle run down his face and into his eyes.  He wanted to wipe it away but he couldn't move his arms. He couldn't move anything.

Black van.

Ford.

Nineties model.

Rose emblem on the grill.

He kept trying to repeat his observation over in his mind.  He didn't want to forget.  He needed to remember. 

Toni.  He needed Toni.

The pain swallowed him and the world turned dark.

*****