Levi

I hate feeling this way. I am never enough, never good enough.

I have come to realize that no matter how good I am or how hard I work for things, at the end of the day I am never good enough.

Life is unfair, isn't it? Why can't I be the first option? Why can't I be the best at something? I fucking hate myself because I am petty over the most trial things, but can you blame me? I've never had anything good in my life, I've never been anyone's first option nor anyone's favorite.

Everyone seems to be so much successful and happier than me ... So, why?

Why can't I be like them?

Why can't I accept the fact that I am good for nothing and will be miserable the rest of my life?

Why can't people love me?

Why can't I just fucking die?

I just want to die. Someone ... I am too much of a coward ... So, please, anyone.

Kill me.

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The thing that woke up Levi was the sound of the bed moving. He instantly missed the warmth that your body brought him and it was a strange feeling for him. It has been a while since he had slept like this.

And just what the fuck happened last night?

It wasn't like Levi knew, he was very well aware of what happened last night. It was more the fact that Levi still couldn't believe that it happened.

To a certain extent, Levi felt bad for you. He had slept with you because Erwin had asked him to. But seeing that you slept with him just to break the 'tension' and for 'fun' the feelings slowly started to fade away.

Yesterday was special, at least to Levi. That was the first time he had been with a woman and if he was completely honest, he enjoyed it ... and a lot.

Meanwhile, you stood up from the bed, wrapping a blanket around your body and without realizing that Levi was staring at you. From afar he noticed the hickeys in your back, something he found incredibly attractive and he began to wonder if he had any hickeys himself. 

You turned around and found Levi sitting on the edge of the bed. Not knowing what to say, but only stare. You shouldn't have left so many hickeys on his neck, now he was going to have to wear a scarf.

"I am going to take a shower, feel yourself at home," you say as you watched Levi nod and after his action, you disappear into the coldness of the shower.

It wasn't a bad morning, all the contrary, you felt nice. As if anything you had to say to Levi of felt about him had finally being released.

You turned the shower on and waited for the warm water to come out. You took the time to look at yourself in the mirror and appreciated your body.

Levi had also done his way with you, Levi small hickeys on your neck, not as many as you had left him but still it was cute to see that he was trying really hard to please you.

You let out a small smile as you remember last night, you could picture it. His face, his blush, the way he was moaning and moving underneath you.

Levi showed you so many sides of him, he was a simple man. With his wants and needs. He was vulnerable and loveable.

Levi was a kind-hearted man ... easy to love.

Very easy to love.

You shook your head as you tried to get rid of the idea. Walking towards the shower, you extended a hand to touch the now warm water and without too much thought, you hop into it. Letting the water run through your body and it was relaxing. And there was something about water ... That always brings out the truth in you.

Last night, made you realize many things.

One, that Levi was easy to love. He was a man that you just felt attracted to. You weren't 15 anymore, you knew what you wanted and what kind of men you were into. And tragically, you always seem to fall in love with the ones that were not right for you.

Because Levi already had Erwin. The man who he loved, the man who constantly lived in his dreams, and the man who Levi would do anything for.

Not only him but Levi had Maria.

Maria.

That damn woman who you didn't know who it was but you were deeply jealous of. That woman has affected Levi in so many ways and he didn't even know her.

Slowly, you began to bend your knees, letting your body touch the cold floor of the shower. Your back delicately touching the wall and it was a nice contrast. The warm water against the coldness of the walls.

Yesterday night, you realized another thing.

To you, Levi's eyes were beautiful but something was missing. As if he was not totally there. Lifeless, two pools of beautiful calm oceans.

But the moment Levi talked about her, you saw it.

How the life he never had was back to his eyes. Bright eyes, full of life, and the dead calm ocean was no longer there. Instead, there were all the shades of blue, of the fiery blue sky, of the dark deep oceans, and the type of beauty you had only seen in the most incredible paintings.

You realized ... That he will never look at you, the way he would look at her.

And you can only wonder, just how more beautiful he would look the moment he finally sees her.

The moment he meets her ... whoever that is, it was bound to happen. Just like you met Nicholas a few weeks ago, it was destiny.

And you couldn't help but let a few tears out.

Pathetic.

Just pathetic.

You should have known ... that you were never enough.

"Just why ... Why can't he look at me like that?"   

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Levi knew better than to invade your privacy and in all honesty, it was just an accident. Your phone kept ringing and his eyes immediately landed on the small table next to your bed, your phone on top.

And on your screen, a few different messages popped out.

Nicholas:

Hey, wanna hang out?

You gotta tell me everything, did you and Levi did the do?

I need to know who is better, me or him?

Also, you still have my sweater, you can keep it but you gotta buy me ice cream.

Of course, Nicholas Flaherty.

Nicholas fucking Flaherty, the lucky bastard.

He didn't know what bothered him the most, the fact that you had indeed had sex with Nicholas or the fact you told Nicholas that you were going to have sex with him.

Apart of him wanted to text him back and tell him to not text you again. But of course, he couldn't do that. He shouldn't care, after all, there was nothing going on in between you two. Nothing but a nice friendship ... Kind of.

He tried to shake off the feelings but the sensation left a bad taste in his mouth. Levi stood up from the bed and picked up his pants, he wished he could take a shower too but preferred to do that at the comfort of his apartment.

As he finished buttoning his shirt, he felt small vibrations coming from his pants' pocket.

It didn't take him long to realize that it was his cellphone, well more like his flip-phone.

He rarely received any text messages or calls but when that happened it was usually Erwin and today was no different.

"Did everything go alright?"

As he read the text message, Levi couldn't help but wonder what Erwin's motives were. What were his true feelings for him?

Not like it matters too much for Levi at this point in the relationship, he really had no choice. He was a puppet to whatever he pleases because what else was there to do?

What else could he do?

He can't force him to love him.

And he just knew.

Levi knew that he couldn't ask for too much. After all, he wasn't enough. He was never enough and being with Erwin was already too much of a blessing.

Levi felt worthless, useless. Someone like him would never be anyone's first choice. Someone like him will never be enough, if this was everything his life could be, then let be it.

He never really had a choice, this was his pathetic life. Whatever happens, will happen and if tomorrow he is heartbroken, then whatever.

If tomorrow he dies, then that would be a relief.

Levi had accepted, that his life was just useless and that people should do whatever they want to do with him.

If Erwin wants to use him, fine.

If you want to use him, fine.

If he kills himself, fine.

If only he stopped being such a coward he would just jump out of the building and get it over with.

He could only hope that today as he crosses the streets, someone would run over him. Hopefully today.

Maybe, today is the day.

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It was times like this in which Levi wished he could have a little bit more help. Being the only janitor at Titan High school was a lot of work and responsibility, especially when Homecoming was just around the corner.

Decorating the parade cart to make it as good as possible was almost an impossible task. Especially it was the high school's old rusty truck. Levi wasn't the best at decorating either and he even felt ashamed for his skills.

For now, he only focused on taking off the rust from the metal of the truck with a small piece of sandpaper. Working on the high school's parking lot on a late afternoon wasn't that bad at all if it wasn't that Homecoming was this Friday and he still needs to get mentally ready for all the cleaning he had to do this week.

"Do you need any help?"

As if his prayers were heard, you appeared carrying five buckets of paints. All of them looked heavy but to you, it was no problem. Three other kids followed you two. He knew them from before, Armin, Eren, and Mikasa.

Levi and you haven't talked since that night and it was mostly on his part. You seemed to be relaxed about the whole situation but he couldn't help and remember that night.

"Well, if you all are not too busy," he says as he looks away, trying his best to cover the blush on his face.

"Very well then, Mikasa and I will scrape off the dust of the truck while Eren paints the clean parts. Armin can start making the posters and you can bring us some fake flowers to decorate it."

You walk towards Levi and take off the sandpaper from his hand. Your hands touch his for a few seconds and Levi flinched a little by the contact. Turning around as you let out a heavy sigh, you look at your three students, ready to help.

"Everyone got that? Let's get started!"

"Ok!"

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You thought that after everything the two of you had gone through, things would go smoothly. But things weren't going as planned. Instead, Levi was acting shy, more than usual. He would try to avoid eye contact and stop interacting with you.

Seeing the three students were distracted painting the car and you and Levi were left painting some posters, maybe right now it was a good time to talk.

"Hey, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable," you say as you deep your brush into the blue bucket of paint. "We don't have to ever talk about it if you don't want to, but I just want to let you know that I hope we are still friends you know? Let's just move on from that."

But how could he? He still hasn't been able to figure out his feelings nor what he is supposed to do next. According to Erwin's plans, Levi was supposed to act as calmly as possible and be nice to you but right now he was having a difficult time doing so.

Especially because whenever he looks at you, he remembers that night. A night which he enjoyed very much but it also gave him a lot to think about.

"How can you act so calmly?" he whispers but you heard him. Levi didn't dare to look at you but instead, he focused on painting the poster in front of him.

"I've been in situations like this before, you get used to it," you say as you decided to not look at him for now, knowing that maybe that was what caused his shyness in the first place.

A few seconds passed in which you didn't know if your words came out as you intended them to be. The last thing you wanted was for Levi to have a bad impression of you. Before, you wouldn't have cared what anyone thought of you. But somehow with Levi ... You didn't want him to think bad of you.

"Why did you want to sleep with me? He asks suddenly and although the questions took you by surprise at first, you already had the answer for that.

"You know why ... I thought we could get closer and do things better for our fake-relationship-"

"I mean, the real reason why."

Could you be any more obvious? You thought that you were good at hiding things, things like feelings and your mannerisms. But maybe Levi saw more than that, maybe he saw how a faint pink blush would decorate your cheeks. Or how you tried your best to look good for him or how even when you were 24, would act like a 15-year-old in love.

But enough is enough.

"Because I like you," you say. "It's just a stupid crush, don't think too much about it."

But to Levi, he couldn't think of anything else. Nothing else crossed his mind but the words '

'I like you'

He expected something else, maybe something along the lines of 'I just wanted to have fun' or

'I don't know, I didn't have anything better to do'

You weren't looking at him a bit embarrassed and trying to focus on the poster on the ground. You felt his eyes on him for the first time and the silence was killing you.

"But as I've said, don't take it seriously, the feelings would go away so-"

And when you looked at him, when your eyes meet his, you could see it. Those eyes were beautiful, there was no doubt.

You thought that there was nothing more beautiful than his dark beautiful eyes.

But you were wrong.

There was nothing more beautiful but the warm smile Levi had the moment you looked at him.

And as the sun began to set and the sunlight touched Levi's soft face, his eyes sparkled with something else. A warm feeling, it was one of those moments in which you could tell he was feeling happy. His eyes said it all and as your face began to get closer to his, you didn't care what may happen next.

Slowly, very slowly ... Your noses almost touching and before closing your eyes you decided to look at his.

And at that moment you knew, that this couldn't happen.

Because although Levi acted like he wanted to kiss you, it wasn't you who wanted to kiss.

It was someone else.

And you saw it in his eyes, that same look he had whenever he would talk about her.

You were stupid to ever think that Levi had that kind of feelings for you.

So, so stupid.

You immediately pulled away, glad that you were able to resist his charming eyes. Pretending like this never happened was better, you had to admit that sleeping with Levi did help you figure out your feelings. And now that the tension between the two of you was done, maybe you could get over those stupid feelings.

Levi on the other hand wanted to say something because he thought that you wanted to kiss him. A bit of embarrassment ran through his body at the thought that he may have misinterpreted things.

"Mr. Ackerman! Ms. y/l!"

Armin's voice broke the awkward tension between the two of you and you were glad that you focus on something else.

"We are done painting the truck! We just need to out the flowers!"

Taking a big sigh, you look at Levi as you got rid of all previous embarrassment. You couldn't act like a teenager anymore, you were an adult, and things needed to be sort in a civilized manner.

"Good job kids!" You stood up from the ground and stretched a hand towards Levi.

"Come on Levi, let's finish this together,"

Maybe things were going fine. At the moment Levi was content that words were no necessary between you two. He just knows that your friendship was still intact. And for now, that's all that he needed to have some comfort.

Levi held onto your hand and he loved how soft your hands were. Standing up from the ground, he gives you a small smile, and without realizing it, he didn't want to let go of you.

And he didn't.

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It was strange for Erwin to come all this way. Now that he thinks about it, he probably has never been to Levi's apartment before until now. In all honesty, he was quite scared and nervous especially since he came uninvited.

He wouldn't have come if it wasn't because Levi was acting strange lately towards him. His lover would avoid him and the looks and contact have stopped during the whole week and although he didn't want to sound needed, he was.

Erwin knocked three times on the door and the seconds that passed were hell and he thought that maybe it wasn't too late to escape. But before he could do anything of that manner, the short man opened the door.

Levi had just finished taking a shower, he had a small towel around his shoulders, letting the water in his wet hair drip in the towel. Wearing loose white pajamas and his breath a little bit agitated.

"Erwin? What are you doing here?" Levi asked, panicking a little as he remembered he hasn't had the time to properly clean his apartment.

"I came to see you."

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Yeah, talk.

One moment they were drinking tea and the other they were making out on the couch.

And although Levi loved making love with Erwin, he hated the fact that they could never do anything more than this. It was always sex and they never really had any other type of intimacy nor talk.

Their relationship was swallowed but at this point, Levi had given up.

Levi was on Erwin's lap as he started to move his hips, trying to create some type of friction between him and Erwin's penis. The sound of wet kisses and exchange of saliva as the tea was long forgotten and cold by now.

"Wait, I didn't come here for that," Erwin breaks the kiss as he looks at Levi, sitting on top of him. "I wanted to ask you about y/n, how did everything go?"

Levi didn't know how to react to the question. Should he feel happy because Erwin was actually starting a conversation? Or feel sad again because he was interested on the thing that was important to him?

"It went alright, you were right ... She does have feelings for me," Levi says as he removes his hands from Erwin's shoulders. "How long do I have to pretend?"

"Until the principal does his yearly evaluations, shouldn't be too long," Erwin says. "I just want for these evaluations to go perfectly, I don't want for the principal to think that we are a thing ... If they found out, they will conclude that the rumors of us having sex in the classroom are correct and they will fire us."

"Yeah and no one else would hire us," letting out a heavy sigh, Levi removes from Erwin and lands on the couch, next to him. "I just don't see the point of having y/n fall for me ... Don't you think it's a bit cruel?"

"As much as I would like to trust y/n, there's something about her that I can't trust," the blond man takes a quick on Levi. Somehow he seemed different. "Just to make sure everything goes smoothly and that it seems natural ... It won't harm us if she was the smallest of a crush on you."

It went quiet after that and strangely enough, Levi wished he was alone. Before he would love to spend time with Erwin, but now it wasn't like that. He was finding it pleasing to spend more and more time alone and that was dangerous.

Because when he was alone, there would be many scary thoughts going through his head.

But even when he was scared of those thoughts, he prefers to be alone than to be with Erwin.

Levi would have preferred that you were here with him.

"Erwin ... Do you ... love me?"

Levi wasn't planning on asking that, but it was more of an impulse. Now, there was no backing away as his dark blue eyes met his sky blue ones.

Erwin was quiet, very much and Levi was never good at reading him but at this moment he knew his answers.

"I like the time I spend with you," he says. "But I can't lie to you and tell you that I have that kind of feeling towards you when I don't."

Of course, Levi knew that since the beginning. So why does it hurt so much?

"There's this woman actually, to whom I hold very dearly," Erwin took a deep breath and without much thought, he continued. "She's everything I dreamt of ... I can't imagine a life without her and when all of this over ... I wish to start a life with her."

"So you are not only using y/n, you are using me?"

"I told you since the beginning, that our relationship would only be sexual, didn't I?" Erwin says as he took a moment to look away. "Are you telling me ... You have feelings for me?"

Erwin played it dumb.

Of course, he knew. Erwin was very perceptive with these kinds of things. Not only that but no one would have done what Levi did unless he had genuine feelings. Erwin knew he was doing wrong, but all that stop having any worth.

"No, it's just ...."

Levi felt his throat go dry as tears threatened to come out. It was starting to hurt a lot. His indifference and it wasn't like he could complain. Because from the very start, Erwin had been clear that he couldn't have feelings for him.

But there was always hope, the tiniest of hope that after all of this ... Erwin could feel something for him.

"Fuck this," Levi stood up from the sofa as he avoided making any type of eye contact with Erwin. "Sorry, Erwin but I am quite busy, would you mind leaving now?"

The blond man could tell by his voice that Levi wasn't doing any good and he prefers to give the man his space. It wasn't like he didn't care, he did but he also had his priorities.

If he wanted to be with Marie, then sacrifices were needed.

"I am sorry, Levi."

"Alright, I'll see you later."

Standing up from the sofa and walking towards the door, Erwin wanted to take one last look at Levi but the short man only looked at the floor. He was unable to see his blue eyes as his black hair covered them.

"Goodbye Levi."

The was the last thing Levi heard from Erwin after he closed the door.

He was alone again, on the small four corners of his room. Levi placed his back on the door and slowly he slid down, taking a seat on the cold floor. His back arched a little as felt without energy.

"I am tired, I am fucking tired of not being enough. Of not being someone's first choice, I am fucking tired that my life has no fucking meaning and I am fucking tired that I can't stop feeling this way."

Levi didn't even like crying, he just felt desperate as the air was being slowly taken away from him. As if there was no escape, as if not matter how much he tried his life could not get any better.

Not even therapy was helping and he was going on a regular basis.

What else can he do?

"Why? Why can't he love me?"

Breathing heavily as he began to scratch his palms, almost to the point of bleeding. It wasn't that Erwin didn't love him.

It was the fact that he depended emotionally on him, the fact that he had put all of his hopes on him.

Levi thought that having sex with Erwin, having any type of relationship with him would make him happy.

But it didn't.

He wanted more, he wanted to have an emotional connection with someone. Levi wanted to love and feel loved, but how was that possible if he was worthless? How could anyone love him if he was utterly a scum on earth?

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to die!"

Was this all his life was about? A constant pain? It wasn't worth living.

He could never be the best at anything. He wasn't the best looking nor the smartest, he was weak and short.

And no matter how much he tried to change.

He couldn't.

And then, a short memory popped into his mind.

It was peaceful, the smell of grass and lavender.

He was looking at the horizon as the sun began to set, the soft touch of a delicate hand on his. He followed someone from behind, the folds of a white dress. The soft movement of brown hair dancing with the wind.

A woman he did not recognize but at the same time, he felt like he had waited for millennia to meet her.

And his panic attack stopped and he felt his heartbeat go back to normal.

This was not his memory. He had never lived through this nor has ever felt such tranquility before.

Someone ... in another life. In another universe.

Levi lets out a heavy sigh as he wraps his arms around his bent legs. His head lay on his knees, trying to go back to feel that sweet sentiment.

His heart ached, his head hurts and his body was in constant pain. And the only thing that kept him together was the thought that someone out there, someone who he doesn't know, in another life, in another universe ....

Someone loved him.

"Maria ... Why aren't you here with me?"

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A/N: Slowly, the love triangle is starting to form?

Nicholas has some sort of romantic feelings towards you and you have feelings for Levi (But Levi doesn't feel the same way as up to right now) and he has feelings for Erwin and Erwin has feelings for Marie.

I think at this point Levi has no romantic feelings for Maria. He sees her more as a sign of hope that things will turn out fine. Levi really wants to meet her with the hopes that after that, his life will get better.

Friendly reminder that this is a Levi x Reader so Y/n will end up with you. But the price to pay for that will be really high. I hope you are all prepared for the tears.

These chapters are short, I hope it's not boring lol. Next chapter the real drama will start.

Anyways, thank you, anyone, who takes the time to read this. It's not my best work but I am excited to see where to take this next.

Also, for the people who have read and enjoyed One Last Time, I have something very nice prepared for you all! I am excited about this project! More news to come.

As always, thank you for reading these drafts of work. Thank you and see you next week!