https://youtu.be/hPiEK1ofWt0

Spooky: Millenia ago, in an age long past, the demon king threatened to pull the world into blood and war.

Antasma: Until he got his ass slapped by Link.

Wiz: Undaunted by being, y'know, murdered, Demise cursed Zelda and Link's descendants to be forever haunted by his wrath made flesh. That curse became Ganondorf Dragmire.

Boomstick: Good ol' Dorf was born to the Gerudo Tribe of the Desert. Thing is, the Gerudo were all ladies and Ganondorf was the first male born in a hundred years, which automatically made him their king, because... reasons, I guess? (Realizes what that means) Wait, wait, so he gets to be in charge AND has the best odds on Tinder? That's my dream come true! Who could want more?

Spooky: Ganondorf could. Jealous of the neighbouring kingdom of 's verdant fields, clean water, and not being a godforsaken desert, he dreamed of a better world for his people.

Antasma: Or you know, just for himself. Being the reincarnation of ultimate evil means you're probably kind of a selfish douche.

Wiz: And surprisingly, his vile ambitions would be rewarded. Turns out, he was also preternaturally adept at magic, as befits an education from his caretakers, the witches .

Boomstick: From them, Dorf learned to pitch balls of electricity, summon lightning, move objects with telekinesis, levitate, form barriers, and control minds!

Spooky: When he wishes to fight from a distance, he can create phantom horsemen or to battle as his proxies.

Antasma: Or if he vants to get personal, he can use his dark magic to enhance his physical strikes, making him a badass at all ranges.

Wiz: He's a master with a blade, sometimes two, and sometimes on horseback.

Boomstick: And sometimes two swords on two horsebacks?!

Spooky: Let's not get crazy, he was just a man after all, though not for long. With his magical training complete, Ganondorf put his greatest skill to the test: his raw cunning. By manipulating the rulers of Hyrule and its neighboring domains, as well as Link's reincarnation...

Antasma: Hey, vhat do ya know! Veird coincidence.

Wiz: Ganondorf gained entry to an alternate dimension called the Sacred Realm. Within it lay the Triforce, a magical artifact left by the gods said to grant the wish of whomever touches it.

Boomstick: The perfect solution to all your world-conquering needs. Except once Ganondorf got his hands on those golden Doritos, two of 'em jumped ship.

Spooky: See, only someone with a perfect balance of courage, wisdom, and power can wield the complete Triforce. If someone with an imbalance between those three virtues touches it, it splits. In this case, the pieces of wisdom and courage went to Ganondorf's enemies, Zelda, and Link.

Antasma: Ah, that's embarrassing. But he did get to keep the Triforce of Power, because who needs the courage and wisdom shit when you can just blow stuff up? It's how I live.

Wiz: Even on its own, the Triforce of Power radically improved Ganondorf's strength and magical prowess, while also elevating him from a mere warlock to the demon king he was always meant to be.

Boomstick: Literally, he can turn into a big blue pig monster!

Spooky: The dark beast known simply as Ganon is a nearly unstoppable terror, gaining even greater strength without sacrificing any of his intellect.

Antasma: As a bacon wizard, he can obliterate foes vith fireballs, turn invisible, teleport, summon darkness, and even distort the space around him. (Starts laughing at the "Bacon Wizard" joke) I see vhat you did there!

(We cut to Wiz, Spooky, Antasma and Boomstick)

Wiz: Despite all that power, and even successfully ruling Hyrule for seven years, Ganondorf was soundly defeated and sealed within the Sacred Realm. There he remained, trapped outside the spaces of reality, a prisoner to the void between space and time, never to return ever, ever...

(He, Spooky, Antasma and Boomstick burst out laughing)

Boomstick: Ah, sorry, sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face.

Spooky: Yeah, no, he got out like, the next day.

Antasma: So nothin' holds Ganon back for long, and he's insanely tough to kill. In fact, thanks to his part of the Triforce, he's almost indestructible. While most weapons can technically harm him, it usually takes a holy weapon like the or to put him down.

Wiz: He once survived being crushed within his own , which, based on its size and composition here, and accounting for the hollowed-out interior, should weigh over 11,000 tons.

Boomstick: Even better, he later withstood a different exploding around him! Wow, what's up with this guy and castles?

Spooky: By measuring the size of the in-game castle model and assuming violent fragmentation, we can determine it was a blast worth almost two kilotons of TNT, a yield comparable to early atomic bombs. And even though holy weapons can bypass his defenses, he still survived being stabbed in the face with the Master Sword, you know, the literal blade of evil's bane.

Antasma: Or like when he was impaled through the chest by one of the after he was supposedly sealed away. He just yanked that shit right out and murdered the bastich that did it to him! Uh, heads up, Wiz, you ever stab me or Boomstick again, and that's what's happenin' to you.

Wiz: Right... well, Ganondorf isn't just tough, he's powerful enough to punch shockwaves, tear up an , and block out the sky with his magical malice.

Boomstick: Plus, he can keep up with Link. He's even killed him in one timeline. And this fairy boy can dodge lasers.

Wiz: Which are literal lasers. They move in a straight line, burn instead of exploding, and according to the game's guide book, are called lasers. So they should move at light speed. Based on the distance Link moved relative to this beam, we can estimate his own reaction speed to be about 11% the speed of light.

Boomstick: Too bad ol' Dorf Lundgren doesn't get to hold on to Hyrule for too long. Still, you can stab and seal him away all you want, this big pork bastard will always be back to bring about your crispy demise.