In the Name of Allaah the Ever Watchful Guide and the Bestest of all friends

Thousands of blessings and peace of Allaah SWT be upon His beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW, his blessed descendants and noble companions.
- Aameen

8. Falling for Ar Rahman

You say come to love Him and we shall understand. Please tell me friend, how does one come to that stage? Tell me how does one develop one's self to Love only Him and forget about everything else? This slave is weak and ignorant. I have always admired those who are close to Him and wondered how they attained that peace. Please enlighten me.

This comment was posted a few days back and it did not let me sleep. The words rang in my head on repeat and I paused in between tasks to wonder how is that I came to love Ar Rahman so much.

It does not mean that I'm perfect in all His commands and rarely commit wrong, perhaps the opposite because there are times when I become so hopeless knowing deep within that there is really no deed of mine worth submitting before Him and I don't know what to do except sob my heart out... but always it is the hope of His vast Mercy which pulls me through utter despair... Alhamdulillaah

When I first got married to my husband, deep down I was really scared but nobody knew it (except Allaah). I met him for the first time after our Nikah and on the following days after, I remember lying awake beside him at nights and scrutinizing his sleeping profile in the dark wondering about his real nature and how Ar Rahman chose him for me from among the thousand other men out there. I trusted Allaah 'Az wa Jal completely but it was early days of our marriage and I was constantly on the lookout for something ugly to rear its head from behind the happiness that cloaked me.

So days passed and months and now our three years together are over Alhamdulillaah and this I can say without any concealment –– I very much enjoyed my husband's humour and attention but didn't fall in love with him at first sight though he is a handsome man to look at, somewhat like an angry prince with his dark eyebrows and roman nose (he reminds me of Sylvester from Georgette Heyer's novel the Wicked Uncle!)

Only gradually, I got to know the real man beneath all the barriers and I found that he had such an unselfish loving heart, so much better than mine making me realize then that no matter that I was crazy about Ar Rahman, with his selfless kindness Allaah SWT Himself would love him which made me fall in love with my husband. Alhmadulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen.

I talk about this not to share private details but as an example for the question asked above, because to truly love someone greatly not just superficially for looks, wealth etc. You've to see them at both their good and bad days, how they behave to you at their worst... early in marriage it was all new for me and so many little things frustrated me about my husband but I've learnt to accept and be tolerant as he had done with me regarding my own flaws. Kindness towards each other is very important in marriage...

From this I want to show that knowledge about a person is crucial – the more you know about their attributes, their behaviour, the more you would truly fall in love.

When I was in my eighth grade, I remember deciding to read the Holy Qur'an with translation. We did not have an English one, so I began to read the Tamil translation. Every day I used to sit after Maghrib and recite an Ayah then I would read aloud its meaning in Tamil. Our home was a small one and my Didi and brother who were usually sitting near used to tease me mercilessly with exaggerated groans and giggles (ya Allaah, here she goes again! Why don't you read it in silence Gudi? God she sounds like a...!)

But I ignored them and continued with my task daily for the simple reason that I really yearned to know what Allaah SWT wanted to tell me through His Words.

The love that I have for Kalamullaah was of course initially nurtured by my beloved parents. I'm immensely grateful and indebted to them for all the good in me, Alhamdulillaah.

"Life, beta, will keep you throwing problems. But as long as you stick to reciting and implementing Qur'an e Kareem, you'll never lack for solutions," was one of my father's advises to my young self.

I used to dislike the language Tamil for I found it hard to comprehend but now reading Allaah SWT's meaning in them, musing upon it, I eventually grew very fond of the Tamil language and my grades in it became excellent surprising even myself. So much so, I came to agree with the Tamil poet and linguist Bharatiyaar who had said,

யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே தமிழ்மொழி போல் இனிதாவது எங்கும் காணோம்,

(Of all the languages that we know
There is none as Tamil sweet)

Though of course he doesn't know that for me, it was Ar Rahman's Words which brought such sweetness to it.

I was so passionate about the recitation and the translation that when the ayahs of hell and punishment came, tears would pour down freely and I had to hide it from my family while the ayahs asking the believers to have Hasbi Allaah would give such strength at heart that I knew I could bear yet another day of life in this dunya.

So the Most Beautiful One kept me company with His most beautiful words... He still does, reading Qur'an has always soothed me, transformed me. Alhamdulillaah.

I was a severely shy child and teen, I'm still an introvert and because of it I had to suffer through many things which came easily to others. Talking on phone is a big chore for me, and making a conversation while looking at the other person in eyes... I don't easily look into other's eyes (it's like watching their real soul inside and I don't like showing my own soul to others unless I really trusted them). Yes I suffered and still suffer from trust-issues, (though I've never really been hurt by others, it may be because of my parents who separated when we were kids but continued to love each other yet did not join again because of what their families, society will think etc.,) so it was all very confusing to my young self and forming true friendships with all the giggles and spilling secrets has never been a part of my life. All this was achingly apparent to me in my teens and with increasing loneliness I did not know what to do, so I turned more and more to Ar Rahman. 

And I like to think that He gave me all these trials so that I turned to Him frequently...so often that it became natural for me to talk to Him always, not just Duas, I just talk with Him, carry conversations... most are silly but I love how I babble to Ar Rahman more that I ever do with fellow people... the world would think me crazy and I do agree, I'm crazy in the ishq of Allaah and I don't ever want to become sane!

So what if the enamored one is insane in the love of Allah?
Look and you shall find the whole world His admirer

'And those who believe have intense love for Allah'. [Qur'an 2.165]

I have heard about Him from my parents and others but when I myself got to know Him through His blessed Words in the Qur'an, it was something different. It was reassuring, comforting to know that He was always there for us no matter what. Like how it happened with my husband, so I fell for Ar Rahman gradually. 

The more I learned about Him, His Perfectness, His Magnificence, His Oneness and Greatness the more I became passionate about Him. I remember sitting and reciting all the 99 Nimes of Allaah with meaning every night during my high school (I was teased for that too), but I didn't mind, I was so enamoured by all the wonderful attributes that belonged to Him.

It so overwhelms me that my heart gapes open at such Beauty and Mercy and would leave me in awe and tears with a feeling of inexplicable aching... and I search the heavens and see only His signs in the display of grandeur ...I look around and everything there is, is because of Him and I look to me and find Him closer than any

Generosity, humour, kindness, selflessness, all these qualities attract me to a person but if someone praises Allaah SWT from their heart, that's always enough to make me fall in love with them.

https://youtu.be/b_aRty1_YpY

(I apologize that the video is in Tamil language, but I couldn't find the English or Urdu one... will upload when I find them in shaa Allaah)

So if you want to fall in love with Him passionately that you forget the whole world except Him, then ask Him, beg to Him to grant you His Love, to fill your heart with it, to make it enough for you more than anything...

Also read about the Sahabah's lives, how they gave up everything for the love of Allaah and Nabi SAW... get to know the lives of awliya Allaah (friends of Allaah) too, who annihilated their nafs in the ishq of Allaah. Try to increase your Nawafil so that He becomes close to you, 

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) [a companion of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)] who said: the Messenger of Allah [Blessings of Allah be upon him] said:

Allah the Almighty has said: "Whosoever shows enmity to a friend of Mine, I shall be at war with him. My servant does not draw near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have imposed upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it." (Related by Bukhari)

And make learning the Qur'an your number one priority. Understand what He's saying to you through His blessed Words, make a habit of listening to the meaning, reading the Tafsir, also sit and listen to those who love Him...the effect of good companionship is real, so try to join the gatherings of those who come together to praise Him, thank Him and don't get caught up in unnecessary debates, listen to your heart, like really pay attention and do Dhikr Allaah, learn all His Names and attributes, call upon Him by them and be grateful to Him even if you're feeling otherwise.

Each knows best his state of heart, try to cultivate thankfulness and have Husn adh-Dhann (thinking Positively of Allaah) for a believer can always hope, and Allaah SWT does with us the way we believe in Him.

There are times of darkness when I carve a hole and lie down and wish the world to be far far away but my gaze falls at the heavens and I know HE will never leave me alone... He brings me back to the surface, to the light again... and I know this is the case of every person who trusts Allaah...

And there are days when in happiness I twirl and laugh and blow a kiss towards the heavens, knowing that He's watching me and my heart bursts at the knowledge... and I say to Him

Alhamdulillaah for Thee my Rahman!

And Alhamdulillaah for all the people who makes us remember Him, for the trials and tests which bring us closer to Him... for making us His, all Praise is to Him alone, the Lord of all worlds.

Ya Rahman,

You are the true innermost desire of my heart,
Love of You is the deepest thought in my mind.
Whenever I glance at the world around me,

I find that today there was naught but You,

and that tomorrow holds naught but You. 

*****