In the Name of Allaah the Ever Living the Eternal One

Peace and blessings of Allaah SWT be upon His beloved Prophet and Master Muhammad SAW, his blessed descendants and noble companions.
- Aameen

Lord of my soul, praises all belongs to Thee;

Thou art Perfection in and of itself. Greater than Thee there is none and Thou remain when all else is gone.

Tasting Death

"La ilaha illAllaah ... Allaah ... Allaah... Allaah..."

Those were the final words uttered by my aunt last year. She was my Abbu's eldest sister.

She died in the hospital bed, surrounded by her four daughters. She had been battling cancer for more than five years. Breast cancer is something a woman doesn't wish even for her worst enemy.

I had visited her in the hospital the week before, and she gave us her usual wide smile. Her eyes betrayed the pain though. Still, she spoke positively of her recovery and was distraught that the wudu didn't stay long for her. It was Friday, and she was asking the masail of whether she could recite Surah Kahf from the phone. The incident stuck with me as she expired the following week. I was of course at my in laws then, but my father's whole family was there, at the hospital during her last moments. She had asked for the artificial ventilation to be removed, and her grown up daughters had stood around reciting kalimah tayyibah which she repeated before passing away.

"When the nurse had offered her water, did you know that she had smiled and thanked her?!" my aunt's younger sister recalled at the funeral, tears streaming down her cheeks. It had been her last sip of drink, yet even in intense pain, she hadn't forgotten courtesy.

There was no person in our large extended family who didn't mourn her. Be it a child, youngster or an elderly person, everyone had only good to say about her. And the way she had suffered bravely through her illness, always smiling and rarely complaining; we all say that was how Allaah SWT wanted her to meet Him -cleansed of all sins and in the most pure state. I cannot help but believe that her rank is among the highest, in shaa Allaah.

"You see granny," my aunt had said that night when I had last seen her. She was talking to the next bed patient's relative. "We were like that too," she observed sadly, looking at my Niqab and gloved hands. "We never left our home without Pardah, but look at me now... it is Allaah SWT's Wish," she rapidly blinked away her tears and smiled brightly. She was in her sixties, yet these days wearing only the hijab but not her abaya had worried her.

كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَائِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ

Every soul shall taste death.

The CM of our state, Jayalalithaa passed away a couple of months later and I couldn't help but compare this legendary public leader with our aunt - just a pious housewife.

Yet it is always the end that matters. As Allaah 'az wa Jal says in the continuation of the above Ayah,

وَإِنَّمَا تُوَفَّوْنَ أُجُورَكُمْ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ فَمَن زُحْزِحَ عَنِ النَّارِ وَأُدْخِلَ الْجَنَّةَ فَقَدْ فَازَ وَمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ

(And only on the Day of Judgment shall you be paid your full recompense. Only he who is saved far from the Fire and admitted to the Garden will have attained the object (of Life): For the life of this world is but goods and chattels of deception.)

My end is something that I think of, often. And ya Rabbe Dhul Jalal, and often I hit blank wondering what good I have sent forth...whether Thy Name would be my last words. Do make it so ya Rahmana! Grant me death only when Thou are pleased with me, with Thy love in my heart and Thine Name on my lips! Aameen Summa Aameen.

Since my aunt's passing away, I had been meaning to write this entry, but I couldn't bring myself to. Everything was too fresh...too raw. For the first time in my life, I encountered something that left me absolutely shaken. It wasn't that I hadn't faced death of close relations before. But this was the first time I would be participating in the Ghusl of someone who had been close to us.

I can still see the sunlight pouring from above in the closed backyard where my aunt was laid on a table for her last Ghusl. Just a sheet covered her body. My heart was hammering the whole while as I handed over the jugs of warm water to the person who was performing the Ghusl. Her weeping heartbroken daughters eventually joined in and I had to step aside. But I did not return inside and stood there ready to help until the whole process was over. All my mind thought was, One day this would be you, ya abdurRahman!

And the image of my aunt's body wrapped up in a plain white cloth did not fade from my eyes.

"Why is grandma tied into a sack?" wide eyed and anxious, her four year old grandson had asked to his brother.

So too our body would be tied up like that one day. But now as long as there's breath left in it, there's still time; Time to repent...time to forgive. To heal, to love, to let go of grudges; to smile and make up; And to gather what has been severed; And to forgive once again; And once more, to sincerely repent.

Yet man is such that he forgets all the lessons, and goes through wrecking life as if he has an eternity to live. May Allaah SWT help us in always turning towards Him, in making His Pleasure alone, our sole objective in everything we do! Aameen ya Rabbi.

But when I came back from the funeral, the shock hadn't worn off. I was deeply disturbed, for I could see the images of my aunt's inert body the moment I closed my eyes. My husband did his best to help me but I still struggled. For men often participated in Janazas, and offered Ghusls to deceased that it became quite common to them.

So as many a time before, I wished Didi was here with me. She could have helped, she would've understood. Bottling up emotions is one of my worst qualities. I do not know how to share or connect with those who aren't close to me. And I don't easily allow people to become close. So I continued to suffer those days, turning hot and cold at the same time when the images haunted me.

But Allaah SWT is ever Al Wadud. He understood. As He always does.

For suddenly one day, my husband announced going in ladies Jamaath for three days. I was very excited and grateful. We were six couples. The men stayed in the Masjid while the women at a saathi's home. It was my very first jamaath - a most beautiful experience Alhmadulillaah. My five other saathis (companions) were all wonderful women. The three days experience was most enriching by His Fazal, but that account is for another day in shaa Allaah.

I mentioned this here because I eventually spoke to the eldest and knowledgeable member about the death and Ghusl experience. She was kind and understanding, and helped me with her gentle practical words. Then she shared about the few times she had made Ghusl to her dead relations. Others too spilled their first janaza Ghusl incidents that they had participated in. They were frank about the terror that had gripped their hearts. One saathi mentioned how she had suffered a week long fever after that.

So my mind slowly became free from the clutches of dread as I understood that what I had felt all these days was a normal thing. As I said earlier, Allaah SWT Knows, verily He Heals.

But I hadn't stopped thinking of my death. And my heart cannot help but shudder and weep. For I'm dear reader desperately in need of your Duas.

تَبَارَكَ الَّذِي بِيَدِهِ الْمُلْكُ وَهُوَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ

الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the dominion, and He is Able to do all things.

Who has created death and life, that He may test you which of you is best in deed. And He is the All-Mighty, the Oft-Forgiving;

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