There are somethings out there that have saved my life. Antidepressants, my girlfriend(even if they don't know they've helped me through so much), my dog, and most importantly my older brother. Most of my family sucks. My mom can't stand me, my oldest brother is playing hermit in alaska, my sister has told me I belong in the circus, my little brother has tried to kill me, and my dad used to beat me. But my older brother has always been there. It's hard being a middle child. And he's dead smack in the center of 5, two younger siblings and two older siblings, not to mention of 7 other brothers and sisters he has on his dad's side. But even so, he's always been there. Originally he was there for everyone. As a kid he had to help my older sister raise me. Me, my older sister, and my older brother are 3 years apart from each other. My sister was raising two kids when she was 6, and my brother was already playing the hero at age 3. In elementary someone was bullying me because of my many speech impediments, but namely my stutter and lisp. But after awhile he started calling me fat. This turned into the nickname porky pig, which hurt a shit ton in kindergarten. I was too afraid to stand up for myself, and so my brother stood up for me. He pushed the kid under a bus and held him down with his foot until he apologized for everything. Even then he didn't escape without a black eye. My older brother has always stood up for me, he'd take beatings from my dad when he was drunk, and even now that he's sobered up and has stopped my brother still keeps the attention off of me whenever I get blamed for something and my parents overreact by starting a new aurgument with them. We've always been able to tell eachother everything. He was the first person I told I had a girlfriend, and the first to hear I was trans, and he's always accepted me. He'd buy me chocolate on bad days, and on good days we'd play the games I wanted to. Hes always been the one person I trust, even when he's mad he never lashes out to me too bad. We're the only siblings in this family that seem to get along, and it kills me that I don't know how to pay him back. I can't kick down his bullies, I can't cook him the foods he likes when he's upset. All I can do in return is keeps the secrets he tells me to, and to be there to listen on his bad days when I'll buy him gummy bears(he always gives me the red ones because they're my favorite) and we'll sit together in his room, sometimes we don't even talk. We just sit there and soak in everything around us. He keeps my secrets and I keep his, and he's always been there. Whenever I'm scared he's always been there, and I've done nothing to pay him back because I don't know what I can do.