One Month Later

Sunday, February 5th, 2017-Monday, February 6th, 2017

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Blog Entry: 02/05/17 07:03 PM

Title: Feelings (Ew)

I'm not an emotional person. I don't like talking about my feelings, I don't like crying, and I don't like letting other people even know that I have emotions. This is a weird thing to be writing on a blog, but hey, we can do what we want on here.

I don't even particularly like feelings...at all. I think they ruin perfectly good people and that they are capable of making us do terrible things. No one would kill without the motives and the feelings behind wanting to...they wouldn't think it necessary or important to dispose of a person if they didn't have a grudge against them, a feeling against them. People wouldn't have heartbreak without feelings; they wouldn't be alone in their room on a Friday night, knowing that the people who hurt them are out partying and "living it up" while they sit in their bed and cry themselves to sleep. Without feelings, there would be heartache, no tears, and no misery in the world...just a bunch of people living their lives quietly and efficiently.

But that wouldn't be a good way to live, either. We would be robots, unable to fall in love, unable to see the good in other people, and unable to feel the true joy that comes with genuinely and completely loving another human being. We wouldn't be able to experience that. So, as much as I hate feelings, I feel like they are a necessary part of our lives...and a necessary part of what I'm about to do.

I'm going to tell him. I'm going to say how I feel, I'm going to lay it all out, and I'm going to have no regrets. There's nothing bad that could happen after this...what, he doesn't return the feelings? So what? He lives 3,000 miles away. The worst thing that could happen is that he decides that he doesn't like me and he stops writing to me. I mean, that would suck, a lot, but it doesn't mean that my entire life is going to come to a shattering end and that I won't be able to move forward. I've never even met the guy; surely I will be fine with knowing for a fact that he doesn't have any romantic interest in me.

I hope this is okay. I hope he feels the same way. But there's no way of knowing, and for right now, I'm okay with that. There's no way for me to know exactly how he feels, and there's no way for me to know exactly how much I like him...I haven't even met him yet. But for right now, I'm just going to ride this out and see what happens...I mean, nothing is final, but sharing my feelings is a start. Now I just have to write this letter before I change my mind.

Signing off.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Dear Connor,

First of all, I am so incredibly sorry that it has been a month since I last wrote to you. The day that I got your letter, I got grounded because of my grades, not in History, where I'm writing you from, but in math and English, because I pretty much just suck at school in general. As I texted you this morning, I was finally un-grounded today and I am pretty psyched about it...I don't know how I was able to live without my phone. The only thing I was allowed to do was write my blog posts...my parents knew about the pen pal assignment and since it wasn't a grade anymore, the forbid me from writing as well...they just tried to take away anything they could that they knew I enjoyed.

And honestly, what you were saying (if you can even remember) about how you can't believe Trey could throw away all those years of friendship over a girl...sometimes the friends that you have for the longest aren't the friends that are always there for you. Last year, I had had a best friend who had been my "best friend" for almost ten years, since we were in kindergarten. No one was closer to me and no one knew me better. But one day she started calling me names behind my back to our mutual friends, and she started to turn into a person I didn't recognize anymore. I wasn't okay with that, so I stopped talking to her. I thought it would be a terrible thing that I would never get over, but within a few days, I hardly noticed her absence. I realized that she hadn't been acting like a true friend for so long, that her complete absence from my life actually didn't make that much of a difference—if anything, it made my life easier. When I dropped her, I became closer to Jen, who had been a mutual friend of ours, and now she's there for me all the time. Time isn't a factor in relationships if the relationship becomes toxic; you can't hold on to someone who doesn't respect or care for you.

Your Hollister vendetta story is even better than I expected...girls can be so petty and mean. I'm glad I finally know why you hate it, I've never particularly liked their clothes, and now I have a reason to not shop there! Just supporting a great guy, you know? Also, happy late birthday! I can't believe I was grounded during your birthday, otherwise I totally would have given you the best birthday text ever, like I do for all my close friends. I hope it was the bomb.com and that you didn't turn up too hard...I would like to be there if you ever do! How's the last month been for you? Did anything exciting happen? Did you find a new girl to call "babe"? Did you do anything interesting that is worth telling? Spill the beans man, I'm so bored with my life right now that I want to be entertained.

Also, I would love to keep writing. I love writing to you and I'm so sorry if you thought I totally ditched you after the last letter went unanswered, I wish I could control what my parents do but I can't. I also have to blog, which I'm not excited about, but at least it gave me some internet time over the past month when I went without social contact. Gosh that was awful, I think I'll have chills every time I think about it.

So I have something else that I have to spill, and I feel bad that this is happening over letter, but I guess it's better than over text, right? It's just that you live 3,000 miles away and I don't think my parents would be chill with flying me out to Virginia just to tell you something, but I mean you're welcome to think terribly of me if you want to...I can't control that.

Here's the thing, and I think I've been trying to hint at it this whole letter...I like you. I know it's strange, since we've only communicated over letters and social media, but it's something that I've been fighting for a while and I think I'm ready to just let you know...I really like you and I hope I've done something to make you feel the same way. You must be something special to make me feel like this without ever meeting you...it's like online dating without the constant possibility of you being a complete psychopath (I think I know you well enough by now and I've seen your social media enough to know that you're not). I know that this is weird because nothing can really happen because we're so far away, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel. All my friends have been telling me not to, but I just feel like I need to...I need to know if this feeling is reciprocated, an if it's not, then I don't have to worry about seeing you all the time and being hurt.

Anyways, sorry for the down-ness of this letter and I'm sorry again for completely disappearing on you! I promise to be better and to not disappear again, and to keep my grades up so there's no chance of me being grounded. Thanks for putting up with this crazy, all-over-the-place letter, and I'll just wait for your reply!

Sincerely,

Sydney Porter

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! Remember to check out the Writing Palace and Recalling Lincoln Carter, both on my profile! Thank you for your continuing support, your comments always make me smile! Also, to all Writing Palace contestants, get those entries in! Also, unless it's a fanfiction round, please do not base your entries off of any other form of media (books, TV, movies, etc.) because this will end up in some serious point reduction from your score in the Originality and Creativity categories from all judges. We have a Kik chat going and we let each other know if an author is copying off of another form of media. Just as a heads up!

Sorry for that low note. I love you guys so much for all of your support and love, I love waking up to new comments and ideas that I see! Also, we're getting closer to Sydney and Connor actually meeting in real life! Comment below letting me know what you want to see from that chapter: if you want the blogs and social media, or if you are willing to dive off of the concept for a chapter or two to see how the two lovebirds really interact. Let me know!

Also, big thank you to @AmazinglyAyshia for the gorgeous cover at the top of the chapter! ❤️

-Katherine

Follow the Characters on Twitter:

Sydney Porter: https://twitter.com/aSYDity_

Connor Hall: https://twitter.com/haIIconnor

Delaney Cross: https://twitter.com/tac0DEL

Kevin Long: https://twitter.com/yab0iKEV

Ashley Yates: https://twitter.com/opentheYATES

Dear Sydney Updates: https://twitter.com/DearSydneyWP

ME!: https://twitter.com/katherinetveitt