Three hours had passed since I arrived at Kim Tae Min’s house. Being in Tae Min’s home should have brought me some sort of comfort but instead I felt lonely and suffocated. There was no soul in the huge house but mine.

The house seemed larger and the narrow spaces of corridors grew vast with the darkness of the night. Ice-cold wind crawled through every space it could find and its whispers glided across walls in frightening whooshes. The autumn had always been cold to me but that night, loneliness lurked in its winds that pirouetted the streets of South Korea. Something was wrong.

I made a phone call to Eun Ji and thankfully the teenage bundle of joy was safe. She decided to spend the night at one of her friend’s place. I took in a breath of relief but I was not satisfied. I hated the cold that settled in the veins of my heart.

I called Tae Min. He did not pick his call.

I called Mr Park. His phone number could not be reached at the time.  

Those were the people I was closest to in South Korea and out of the three, only one answered her call. Something was wrong.

I stared at a beautiful wall clock in the sitting room. Another hour had passed and midnight drew near.

I walked around Tae Min’s home. I washed clean dishes, vacuumed clean rugs and folded laundry. I did all my hand could in an attempt to let time pass quickly as she ran across the earth. Still, time seemed slower and the loneliness began to eat me up.

I called Tae Min a few more times but he did not pick up. I gave up in fear of being too clingy.

But how could I not worry?

All I thought of for the past few months was him. I thought of him when he was absent. I thought of him when I played the songs on his favourite playlist. To be more honest, thoughts of him roamed my mind whenever I heard the lyrics of any love song. If I had not seen him for few minutes, I missed him so much it felt like a piece of my heart had been taken away.

While waiting for him on our dates, butterflies fill my stomach and my heart played awful tricks whenever the door of our meeting place opened or closed. If he took my hand in his, my skin felt hot all over and my heart pumped faster than its norm.

For weeks I told myself that all I felt were the effects of the three year fan crush I had on Kim Tae Min. Jess told me that those feelings would fade with time, since I was more than just a fan but they did not. Instead everything I felt for Kim Tae Min grew stronger. I was drawn to him more than the first time I met him in person.

I often questioned the meaning of my feelings. I had never felt that way for anyone before so I refused to tell myself that it was love. At first I called it an infatuation. After a while I told myself it was a crush but with time, I ran out of ideas. Still I bluntly refused to call it love.

With a hot cup of coffee in my hand, I wrapped a blanket over the white linen long sleeves and jean trousers I wore. The enticing aroma of the coffee did nothing to keep me calm. I walked to the large glass paned slide doors in the sitting room and stared at the diamonds that came with the twilight. The lights from the buildings beneath the beautiful sky glowed in the night as well. It was a beautiful night but it did nothing to chase the cold that grazed over my skin. Something was wrong.

A few minutes past midnight, the front door creaked open and I retired to my bedroom. As much as I wanted to see Tae Min, I thought it best to leave him to his thoughts for a while as I had always done. A night with his father had sent chills down my spine. I could not imagine what Tae Min must have gone through after hours with the same man.

A few seconds rolled by and my decision to leave Kim Tae Min to bask in silence came to an abrupt end after I heard glasses shatter in the living room.

I took to my heels and ran to the sitting room. The sight before me made the chills on my spine irrelevant. The scene that played in front of me was more horrid than my imagination.

Broken flower vases in their expensive white pieces spread on the floor. Trophies once seated on shelves sat on sofas. Some broken in half, sunk into the cracks of glasses and others stood steady with scratches. Objects rolled, objects broke and shattered but the one wounded was Kim Tae Min.

His hair was in disarray. His face was worse than I had ever seen it. Bruises patted his face with their dreadful purple, red and pink. One of his eyes was closed due to the oppression of a purple circle on it. His left hand swung lazily while he walked. It seemed dislocated from his shoulder.

His tuxedo had footprints dusted on its deep blue velvet and a few buttons were missing. The white floral sleeve he wore within was spotted in irregular shapes by swipes of red. He panted loudly as he limped to a huge picture frame on one of the walls of the living room.

“This…This is all I’ve ever been and it’s all I’ll ever be! A freaking object meant to smile no matter what…It doesn’t matter if I’m dying to anyone. I just have to smile. If I’m in pain, I just have to grit my teeth and dance away the hurt. After all, it’s my job to keep my fans happy. It’s the only way they’ll grow in number. I can’t say anything and when I try to say my truth in lyrics, internet trolls take it up and I’m blamed for being inconsiderate of the fans already facing depression or addiction. Screw that!! I’m fucking depressed!! I’m a fucking addict too! How the fuck am I supposed to smile?” Kim Tae Min said to the framed picture of himself with a perfect smile. The smile his ten million fans knew well. The smile I knew was a mask.

Tears poured out of his eyes and I could hear the shaky whimper in his voice. I had seen him at his worst but this was more than the word ‘worse’. I was startled and took a few cautious steps towards the broken Tae Min.

My heart felt heavy and my soul wept for him. I remembered the girl I was nine months ago. The girl who had posters of Kim Tae Min in her room. The girl who had every music video of Kim Tae Min in her phone and laptop. The girl who had fan arts of the celebrity ‘K1M’ in her gallery. At that moment I envied that girl for her ignorance of the truth behind the celeb Kim Tae Min. At the same time, I pitied her and wished she knew better.

“I hate this smile! I fucking hate this smile!! No one fucking cares!! I’m sure if I died those fans would do nothing but make comments like they always do! The trolls would call me an irresponsible coward who reached the peak of his career and ran away from living for no reason! I’m fucking tired.” He screamed. Fear and pain griped my heart. Tears glided down my cheeks. I had felt pain but not for the sake of anyone.

It was the first time I heard Tae Min swear. It was the first time I saw his eyes redden as they did. It was the first time I heard him yell the truth that ate through the vulnerable pieces of his soul.

He took a signed baseball bat and began to smash the huge picture. Pieces of the shattered glass flew silently and kissed his face in violent strokes. He bled. The fear within me grew. My heart felt exposed and ten times weak.

I could not bear to see him in pain. I wanted him to know that he was not alone. As a child who grew around wealth, I knew how easy it was to be judged for every action I took. I knew what it was to live in indecisiveness while every chapter of my life was written by someone else. I knew what it was to be called lucky by peers while everyday was hurt and tears. I knew what it was but Tae Min’s burden was more. He had the eyes of ten million watching him.

“Tae Min! Tae Min! Please listen to me.” I said while I walked through glass sprays.

I held Tae Min’s hand and after a while he let go. The tears continued and the fury remained in his heart but I could feel the calm of his soul hide beneath those angry eyes. The soul of a lonely child skulked beneath.

I placed my hands on his cheeks and while his eyes were fixed on mine, I took up every breath of emotional crazy in me and spoke.

“Listen to me. You’re not alone. I want you to know that. If the whole world turns its back on you, I want you know that I’m here for you. I said I was going to stay and I did. I will keep staying by your side for as long you need. Even if everyone leaves, I’ll be here. I’ll always be here for you. I’m your distraction and you’re mine. But you’re not just a distraction to me. You’re not just a project. You’re something more. You’re close to my heart now and I’ll be damned if I let you give up on your life. I’m here! So you’re not alone Tae Min, I’m here with you!” I said.

Tae Min’s limbs lost balance. His knees met the ground and so did mine. His limbs shook and the fear in his eyes was more lucid. His lips shivered while he said words that gave my heart a painful pause.

“He’s dead. Lee Jun Ho must’ve killed him. They knew what he was doing for me…and they…they killed him! Park Donghyun is dead!!” He wept.

The news was a hard pill to swallow and my heart felt ripped to shreds but the maintenance of Tae Min’s sanity was my priority at that moment.

“They’re gone! They said they cared about me and more than anyone they did but they’re both gone. My mum and Park Donghyun are dead!”
He turned his gaze to me at that moment and a horrid glare met my face.

“Do you still want to stay? If he got rid of them, he might get rid of you too Pree. Do you still wish to be by my side?”

“I…I want to…”

“You can see what a mess I am but you’re still here. Why?”

Thunder cackled between dark clouds that began to cover the pretty stars of the night. The wind rushed through spaces and trees at a distance kept their branches low in an attempt to bow. The rain was near.

Kim Tae Min stood and with the bat steady in his hand he paced around the living room for a while. I knew he was never going to hurt me but his eyes were different. They were the eyes of a tiger I could not tame but whatever I felt for him made me ignore the exit. I stayed.

“I stayed because I want to Tae Min!”

“Why?!”

“Because I want to…For goodness sake! Why is that so hard for you to believe?!”

“It’s not hard to believe Pree. It’s just stupid!”

“Stupid?!”

“Yes! Stupid! The two people who meant that with their hearts are both dead…”

“Tae Min I’m not your mother or Mr Park. I won’t die on you!”

“How do you know that Pree?! How the fuck do you know that?! Are you immortal or…”

“I’m not immortal! I just know I’m here because I choose to be and I will be by your side for as long as you want! I won’t leave until you say so!” I screamed.

“What if I want you gone now?” He asked. The words sent my heart up my throat and down my ribs. My breaths were short and quick.

“What…what do you mean?” I stuttered. Tears blurred my vision.

“What if I don’t want you by my side anymore? Would you be on the first plane to Boston then?”

“I…I can’t leave you!”

“What the fuck does that even mean Pree? You have a great life at home. Your parents are wealthy! You could just go back and continue your career in photography there! So why are you here?!”

“I…I…”

“This is fucking delusional Pree! It’s like we’re living in the written lines of someone’s fantasy! It’s too stupid! I can’t let you get hurt because of…”

“I’m here because I want to be here Tae Min! Don’t try to scare me away. It won’t work!”

“You’d have a good life with Rajesh. He’s a freaking billionaire isn’t he?! What could you possibly gain from living with a washed-up musician and drug addict like me?!!”

“You’re not a…”

He swung his bat and another flower vase went flying. The pretty white pot smashed against the wall. I kept my eyes closed for a while.

The thunder clapped louder and after a flash of lighting, it rained cats and dogs.

Tae Min did his best to scare me but whatever I felt made me crazy. I walked towards him and stared at the pupils that sat in his almond shaped eyes. At that exact moment, I knew the definition of the feelings that had toyed with me for months.

“What is wrong with you Pree?! I’m sure my father already told you that being with me is a terrible choice!”

“I know.” I said calmly, a step away from Tae Min. He released his grip and the bat fell from his right hand. I could feel his heavy breaths on my face. Tears left my eyes, at the realization of what I felt at that moment.

“Why are you here?! You could get hurt!!”

“I know.” I took another step closer.

“You could get killed!”

“I know.”

“If you know then why the fuck are you here?”

“I…I…I…”

I could not hold my desire in any longer. I stood on my toes and my lips met his in a second. I felt the warmth of his lips on mine and a second more our tongues swayed for a while then in a click, Tae Min pushed me away. His breath paced as fast as mine.

“I love you!” I said in tears.

There it was. The confession that was the precise definition of the mixed emotions I had towards Kim Tae Min.

Tae Min turned away and kept his eyes on the glass paned slide doors, while he brushed his right hand over his ruffled hair.

My heart felt betrayed for some reason and with a pair of flip-flops on my feet, I took a purse and ran out the front door into the night.

I whimpered like a child and folly caressed me. I felt stupid. Kim Tae Min made me feel stupid.

I got a taxi and told the driver to drop me off at the Banpodaegyo Bridge.

“Ma’am it’s raining crazy tonight. Are you sure you’ll be okay?” The elderly driver said when we arrived at the Banpodaegyo Bridge.

I smiled at the elderly man. I was to weary and too hurt to say a word.

“Miss, are you sure you’re okay?”

I nodded and paid the driver. It took a while but he finally drove off.

Drenched in the hasty showers of the rain I walked to the guard rail of the bridge. The bright rainbow colours of the bridge sparkled in the rain drops. The loud rush of the wicked rain drained out the music that accompanied the dancing lights of the bridge.

I took a set of earpods from my purse and placed them in my ears. I took out an MP3 player and pushed play. The first song that filled my ears was ‘Make Me Cry’ by Noah Cyrus featuring Labrinth. It was on repeat.

“Yeah this song is fit for my stupid heart.” I laughed.

In a few seconds, my laughter stopped and memories of Kim Tae Min flooded my brain. The first time we met at the bridge appeared before me in perfect pictures. The first date we had flashed before my eyes and I could remember the pretty pink of cherry blossoms when we went to the Seokcheon Lake festival. I recalled the moments we spent at different buildings and beautiful landscapes. I recalled our first dance and in an instant I remembered our so called first kiss an hour ago.

I touched my lips. I was twenty two but believe it or not, it was my first kiss.

I remembered how Tae Min pushed me away.

“He must really hate being around me.” I mumbled to myself and more tears poured out in the cold of the rain.

In that moment of gloomy thoughts, a black Ferrari Roma shone its headlights at my direction and parked close to me.

I knew that car. It always made me smile but at that moment, anger swam with the red in my veins.

Kim Tae Min ran out of the car and began to walk towards me. His platinum blonde hair slipped and kissed his shoulders. His white sleeves were drenched and I could trace the perfection of his abs and chest. The earrings in his earlobes collected water and sparkled like crystals at ends. His lashes seemed longer glued to each other in strands of two or three. His pink lips patted by drops of sky water shimmered. The makeup he wore earlier that night was washed off and he still looked good. He was indeed beautiful and I hated that.

“Pree! Pree!” He called. I took hasty steps away from him and after a while, I ran. He ran after me and soon I was caught in his arms. Only his right hand curved around me, his left hand remained unsteady.

He hugged me from behind and I could feel his wet chest push against my back. His neck dripped and the warmth of his skin followed his shuddering breath on my neck.

“I’m sorry Pree. I’m so sorry!” He said. I cried.

“You’re all I’ve got and I don’t want to see you get hurt so I wanted to scare you away and I did.” He turned me around and our eyes met. Mine reddened by tears and his by pain.

“When you left I missed you. More than anything I wanted you back. It made me realize something…I can’t keep lying to myself.”

I stared at his eyes.

“I love you Pree.” He said and without a second to waste, he took my chin in his fingers and our lips met again.

Under the rain, in the midst of the cold and chill thrills of autumn, while colours danced at the Banpo Bridge, Kim Tae Min and I, Priya Kapoor had our first kiss.

Word Count ; 3264

-Banpo Bridge (aerial view).