Piper

My first day at a new school always sucked. I hated being the center of attention at such a fragile time in my life. It felt as if people were staring right through me each time I walked into a new class.

I always felt like I had a sign on me when I started, a sign that read fresh meat.

The sensation of being watched made my eyes roam the room. A tall handsome guy slouched in the back corner of the room alone, watching my every move in that hungry sort of way-like he was a lion and I was his prey. I knew immediately from the way his eyes roamed my body what his intentions were. When he realized he had been caught, he tilted his head back and winked, giving a small wave. Awkwardly I waved back, turning away immediately. Even my first impression of his handsome features couldn't deter the gut feeling I had inside to stay away from him. I made a mental note to sit as far away from him as possible and avoid him at all costs.

I glanced back to the corner again to see tall and handsome flirting with several girls and I knew his type immediately. I wasn't about to fall for that. Especially not now. My lips drew up into a sneer and turned my sights to another corner of the room.

There was a small girl with black hair. She had blue highlights running through it and she was in the seat farthest from tall and handsome. I saw the empty seat beside her, and hurried to claim it, stopping short for a moment. I studied her from afar for a moment, trying to get a sense of if she was friendly or not. She looked sort of goth. All black clothing, facial piercings, and gauged out plugs in her ears. Her dark eyeliner was heavy, and there was a scary looking smiling skull on her shirt.

I had always been afraid of goths, they were too dark for me, but now I felt I related in some way.

My life had never been darker than it was now.

Goth girl didn't say anything as I sat down, she just gave me a small smile and then turned back to listen to the professor who had arrived and was starting class as the rest of the seats filled in around me.

I turned my eyes forward, listening to the professor teach about things I already knew. Things I had already learned at Duke the semester before this. It was crazy how they were ahead. Crazy, but beneficial in a way. I didn't have to try as hard.

It sucked transferring in the middle of the semester, but I couldn't go back to Duke and be who I was before the accident. I just couldn't. It wouldn't be the same without Jack.

My thoughts drifted back to player boy. I almost turned around to look back at him but thought better of it.

What makes a player want to be a player? Didn't they realize that women were people too?

I vaguely heard the professor talk about mental diseases but the thoughts in my head were much more interesting.

"Mr. Scott! Wake up or get out of my class!" The professor yelled, yanking me from my thoughts and causing me to jump up thinking he was speaking to me. I looked wildly around me, realizing all eyes were not on me but on tall and handsome in the corner.

My eyes drifted back to the corner. Tall and handsome rubbed his eyes, and glanced around at all of his classmates stares. His lips lifted in a smile and he winked at the girl directly in front of him.

Mr. Scott, hmm. Good now I can stop calling him tall and handsome.

I wondered if that was a first or last name. I banked it away for later use and looked back towards the front of the class. Mr. Scott grabbed up his things and quickly left the class. As he walked out the door, my eyes drifted back to him. He took a long glance back at me before shaking his head and closed the door behind him.

I didn't understand why he thought he was better than a college class, but to each their own I guess. Still I found myself intrigued by him and wondered why he turned out that way. Why he was who he was.

It could have been the psychology major in me, but something nagged at me that behind those smoldering eyes, and behind that arrogant smirk lies a story. And a good one at that.

Maybe that's why I should have went into journalism like Jack, because I loved a good story. Jack and I used to listen to anyone who would tell us their life story. It was interesting getting to know people on a level that not many could ever dream of. Jack never shared those stories though. Not like a true journalist would. He respected the people we talked to enough to hold their privacy. I always loved that about him.

The funny part was Jack was majoring in journalism and I was majoring in psych. Together we went hand in hand like you wouldn't believe. People would literally line up to tell us their stories and together we would help them through all sorts of things. It was one of the things I loved best about Jack. He didn't care that I had to fix people. He didn't whine or complain that there wasn't enough time for him, he just jumped right in and started helping me help them. He made my obsession into a way for us to spend time together and I loved it. I looked forward to it. Jack was always good like that.

Yet another reason I had to transfer schools. Without Jack I didn't know if I would be able to help people anymore, but regardless, now it was time to help myself. I was the broken one searching for help now. The one who always sat on the opposite end of the table from me. It was weird switching roles.

I knew that I couldn't help someone navigate their life if I couldn't even make it through a day of my own life without breaking down into tears. Sometimes full on sobs.

Thoughts about Jack had me reaching for my phone subconsciously.

I quickly hit send and tucked the phone away. I didn't want to get thrown out of class too. It was only my first day. I didn't need that kind of attention, not when I was trying to stay in the shadows with my head down.

I forced myself to pay attention and drown out everything else for the remainder of the class. It was hard, but I managed to pay attention.

*

Today went like I thought it would, boring and bleak. I attended all my classes, saw a few people who intrigued me enough to wonder their story. Other than that it was uneventful.

I hated how dull and unimaginative my life had become but I couldn't find the strength or energy to breath life back into it. It wasn't even my life anymore, but the life of someone else, someone trapped in the past. I couldn't seem to break free from her to get out and back to normal. Not that I'd ever been normal to start with.

I always felt sorry for widowers, for mothers who lost sons, for fathers who lost daughters, and anywhere in between. To lose someone was such a great grief and I always told myself it would never be me.

I never knew how utterly alone I could feel until my fiancé died. It traumatized me in ways I didn't know I could ever recover from, but I was trying nonetheless to keep moving forward and choose to just live. To not decide one day to end it all.

Maybe it was why I kept texting his phone, because at least this way he was still with me and it made it easier to choose to keep going.

I pulled out my phone again, feeling desperate and wishing I could snap my fingers and he would be back in my arms.

I re-read it a thousand times before finally hitting send and watched as the little bar zipped across the screen with a whoosh sound.

Am I stupid for doing this? For talking to him as if he is still here? Does this make me absolutely crazy?

I curled back into my pillows and closed my eyes, then wondered when I wouldn't feel so sad anymore. Wondered when the pain wouldn't be so harsh. I wanted to fire off text after text to him, just send them all day long but I knew if I did that I would be a little crazy. I didn't do crazy well. I didn't do anything well lately.

Still I clicked back to the message thread and typed another.

People kept telling me I need to move on. It's been over a month and I need to stop wanting Jack to be here with me and learn to be happy without him. It's what people said constantly. Like I could ever move on from that kind of connection after a month. I could barely even look at a guy without feeling sick to my stomach, much less try to move on. It had taken me the full amount of time without him to even bring myself to text him. I knew he was gone, I just refused to accept it.

Without even thinking about it, my fingers glided across the keys, typing yet another message.

I scrolled back to my photos, and flipped through the many I had of Jack and me. Jack with his soft brown hair blowing in the wind, me with my green eyes peering lovingly into his with a grin on my face. Another of him looking out towards the ocean, his profile a side view that accentuated the bulging muscles he had worked so hard in the gym to get. Yet another of him holding me tightly in his arms, kissing me and our hair wrapping our face, blocking the camera from seeing just how deep the kiss had actually been. Another with his brown eyes staring into the camera, a pouty look on his lips because I wouldn't take the picture with him.

In all of them we were happy and carefree. It was something I hadn't felt for a while now. I never got to thank him for making me happy.

I knew I should leave it alone for now. Stop sending messages before I got into a tailspin of words and never stopped. Before I got obsessed and refused to come out of this little hole I had dug for myself to stay buried in.

So I put down the phone and pulled out my books, determined to finish college and get my degree. It's what Jack would have wanted, so it's what I was going to do.

Jack wouldn't want me sitting here crying over him still, I knew that. I knew he would want me to live life to the fullest and be happy but how could I ever be happy again? I thought he was my life. I thought we had forever. Turns out I was wrong.

No matter how hard I tried to force myself to study, the words blurred along the pages and my mind drifted back to Jack. I wanted to drown my sorrows in a bottle, or in some hypnotic drug but I was stronger than that and I knew it would only lead to more heartache. So instead I drowned them with more texts.

I could feel my grip with reality loosening with every punch of the send button, but despite it all I continued onward.

I forced myself to stop again, knowing full well that this was becoming an obsession. I needed to stop and pull myself together. I needed a friend.

I dialed Sophie and she answered on the third ring. I cried and told her I needed a shoulder and a hug and she assured me she would be right over.

I paced the floor, balling my fists together so I wouldn't reach out and grasp my phone again. So I wouldn't start texting again. I needed to get a grip on reality. Because if not reality would pass me by.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when a knock sounded on my door, cursing aloud and tripping over my feet as I stumbled to the door.

No way that's Sophie.

I swung it open and frowned. It wasn't Sophie.

"What are you doing at my dorm?" I asked, breathless from his immediate proximity. He was even more handsome close up. The kind of handsome you see in a magazine not real life. I didn't understand how his mere presence could affect me like this, because I know I loved Jack. I still love Jack, with every fiber of my being. It was confusing and I just wanted to cry all over again.

"You're new right? I didn't get a chance to get your name in class, thought I'd introduce myself." The player said, smirking at me.

"Not interested."

"Now don't be that way. I'm just doing my duty and welcoming the new girl that's all." He said, his white shiny teeth glistening in the fluorescent light of the hallway.

"How did you know where to find me? Are you stalking me?" I asked.

"You know Johnny right? He seems to know you. Still wouldn't tell me your name though." He laid a hand against my door, challenging me to close it.

Damn it Johnny. I'm going to murder you.

"My name is Piper. Now can you please leave?" It was rather rude but I really wasn't in the mood for his games right now.

Was it odd that I liked the way his smile revealed a small dimple causing my cheeks to heat up in a flush of red?

Why was I blushing at his mere words? Was I temporarily insane?

"Leave? But I just got here Piper. I thought at the very least I could show you around campus." He flashed that smile again. The smile I imagined got into many girls pants.

His teeth were perfectly straight and perfectly white. They almost looked fake. I couldn't stop staring at them.

"I said I wasn't interested." I felt the bile rising in my throat and turned to excuse myself and close the door. Before I could his fingers were wrapped gently around my wrist.

"Come on now Piper, I'm one half of the welcoming committee here, I could get into trouble if I don't at the very least show you half the campus." His voice was gentle and kind, and I wondered what kind of game he was playing.

Strolling around campus with Egotistical Tyler would be better than sitting here spamming Jack's phone with texts until Sophie arrived. Besides I had at least an hour to kill before she got here. They said they wanted me to live, I'll give them live.

"You know what? What the hell." I said, grabbing my jacket and keys. It wasn't like I was doing anything except rotting away in there anyways. At least this was a start of doing anything other than wallowing in my misery.

I followed him down to his sleek black expensive car and climbed in. It might be stupid and above all reckless but the voices of my friends saying move on kept me pushing forward. If this wasn't living a little than I don't know what was.

"Where to Mr. Scott?" I asked. I leaned over to flip through his radio stations as if it were my own car. I was in a sort of sour mood and I wanted to take it out on him despite knowing I shouldn't.

"Please call me Ty." He said. He smiled down at me as he flicked the keys and the engine roared to life. The sound sent tingles up my skin. I wasn't much for cars, I preferred walking or taking the train.

"Okay Ty, again where to?"

"First stop is the library." He said, and flashed me his pearly whites as he turned to face the road.

I always knew these expensive cars were fast, but I never imagined how fast. Before I knew it the trees were passing by in a blur of colors and I found myself hyperventilating.

This was the reason I didn't like cars. Going fast only caused trouble. The kind of trouble that ruined lives. My lungs started to compact and my throat seized up, forcing me to take deep gasping breaths.

Jack. Fast. Glass. Blood. So much blood.

"Stop the car!" I screamed, and gripped the handle like my life depended on it. "Stop the car now!"

"Okay okay calm down sweetheart."

He let go of the gas and pressed the brakes. The car started to slow down quickly. Before I could take another breath we were stopped on the side of the road and my head was between my knees. Hot tears stung my eyes but I refused to cry in front of him. I could feel his eyes on me, wondering what was going on.

I couldn't explain it to him. I couldn't even explain it to myself. I hadn't been with Jack when he wrecked. I hadn't even seen the scene, but I had read that report and it painted a gruesome enough picture in my mind. A picture that haunts my dreams. I had seen his broken mangled body, and it was an image that would never leave my mind.

"Please don't drive so fast. It makes me uncomfortable." I said quietly, wishing I had just stayed home. I took another deep breath and lifted my head, then turned to stare out the window as everything started to finally calm down.

"Of course. I'm sorry I upset you. The whole purpose of this tour is to have fun not to upset you." He stared at me for several more moments before he pulled back onto the road and drove the speed limit all the way to the library.