Warning: This is going to get very detailed and very intense. Please be advised before reading. You can still turn back now, skip this chapter completely and save your minds from the trauma that is about to unfold. Because it will one hundred and ten percent make you feel something. It will probably make you ball your eyes out. You have been warned.

Tyler

I knew I had to tell her. She had poured out every last detail of her life and I had promised to do the same. The problem was I had never told anyone. Not a single soul.

I had never even spoken it aloud to myself. I told myself if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. I wanted desperately to forget, to push it to the back of my mind where I wouldn't have to think about it ever again, but it never seemed to stay there. It always rose to the surface, haunting me like the Ghost of Christmas Past haunted Scrooge.

Nina's gonna show you how to be a real man.

Those ten words defined me. Even more than all of the "lessons" my dad had taught me. Even more than my mother leaving. Even more than every single bit of pain I had ever went through combined together as a whole.

I stood there, staring ahead of me, seeing only the scene of that night in my head. It was so clear, so vivid I could feel the red silk sheets gliding across my body, I could taste the sweat that dripped down from her forehead into my mouth as I begged her to stop.

I gulped down a glass of water, trying to taste anything else. Trying to erase the feelings of uncleanliness from my body. But it was there, a pungent reminder of everything I was desperate to be rid of.

"TJ, take off your clothes. Nina's gonna show you how to be a real man." She said, running her hands up and down my arms.

I was confused, my mind was running in circles, creating swirls of living color inside my head.

Be a man was what my dad drilled into me on a daily basis, yet I never seemed to measure up. I could never make him happy.

What could Nina possibly show me that would change his mind? I was only eleven, a child, so why did I need to be a man? Weren't eleven year olds supposed to be playing Nintendo with their friends? Roller skating around the cul-de-sac until dark? Climbing trees and making forts in the woods?

And why did I need to be naked?

My hands shook as I pondered if I should do this. If I should take her advice and do as she said to maybe finally please my dad and learn how to be a man.

"Come on TJ, do what I said. We don't have a lot of time. If you want to be a man this is what you have to do." She said.

I could taste the cigarette smoke in the air; see the clouds of white that poured out of her mouth with every word.

This is what I have to do.

I began to undress, folding my clothes neatly like my mother had taught me to do so my father wouldn't get angry. I stopped when I was only in my underwear, looking up at her brown eyes that were watching my every move. There was a smile on her face that reminded me of the evil witch in The Wizard of Oz, as she looked me up and down.

"Those too." She said, pointing the red tip of her cigarette at me.

My lip trembled. This felt wrong. It felt so very wrong.

This is what you have to do Tyler. Just do it.

I forced back the tears, hearing my fathers voice in my head that said "don't be a pussy," and wiped at my face as I let my Hulk underwear drop to the floor. I leaned down and picked them up, folding them and adding them to the pile.

"Good boy. Now lay on back on the bed and close your eyes. I promise TJ it will feel good." She stubbed out her cigarette, and started to lift her own shirt.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see her body, afraid that I would get into trouble if I even peeked. My fingers gripped tightly into the silk sheets that reminded me of blood.

Fear washed over me, desperation to please my father pushed to the back of my mind as I wondered what would happen next.

I felt something lay on top of my legs, pinning them down as warm hands ran up my thighs. I wanted to kick, to make it stop, but I was stuck there beneath the warm skin that was pressed against mine.

I opened my eyes for just a moment, gasping at her very naked body sitting on top of my knees. It was wet and slimy underneath her, like taking a bath in goo.

Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed it down as I squeezed my eyes shut again, praying that it would just be over.

"Don't peek." She said, her voice lower than I remembered it ever being. "You'll spoil the surprise."

I didn't want to peek again. I just wanted it to be over.

I felt disgusting, unclean, helpless.

Her hands wrapped around my no no's, jerking it upwards. It was painful and I bit into my lip to keep from screaming. I could taste the metallic on my tongue, from the small hole I had made in my bottom lip.

Tears pooled behind my closed lids, and I pinched them shut harder, as one jerk became two, three, four.

I don't know when the pain became bearable, I had forced my mind to go to another place, shutting out everything that was happening.

A warm sensation surrounded me, forcing me back into reality. I peeked open one eye and her mouth was on me, gliding up and down. Her eyes were closed, and I knew if I kept watching she would catch me, so I pressed them tightly together again.

It felt good, in a bad kind of way. It felt wrong to like it. Like I was breaking some kind of rule. I didn't understand why my dad would want this, or how this made me a man.

I'd rather take six beatings with a metal studded belt than endure this another second.

My grip tightened on the sheets, my body shaking as my voice betrayed me.

"Stop!" I screamed. "Please stop! I don't want to do this."

"Hush TJ. This is what makes you a man. You want to please your daddy don't you?" Her voice was raspy, like she had cotton stuck in her throat.

"No! Please stop!" I begged, knowing it was futile. She wasn't going to stop.

I kicked my legs, trying to force her off me but she held me tightly against the cool surface of the sheets.

"This is the best part." She said, the foul smell of her breath sinking into my nostrils as she positioned herself on top of me and forced me inside her.

I cried out again, begging her to stop, willing it to be over. She showed me no mercy.

My hands clawed at her skin, trying desperately to get free and stop the madness that was unfolding here in this bed. I felt a wetness running down my hands, as the smell of iron permeated my nostrils.

"You little bitch!" She screamed, slamming against me harder. Her hand raised, slapping me across the face. The sound resounded across the room like a echo.

Her hand covered my mouth, muffling my cries of anguish. The other hand pinned my arms above my head, forcing me to be still and stop fighting.

I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to scrub my skin until I felt clean again. I wondered if I could ever feel clean again.

Liquid dripped into my open mouth as her hand moved away for only a second, the salty taste bringing the bile back up again. She quickly covered my mouth again and cried out, as a warm liquid gushed over me.

I forced myself back into the recesses of my mind, unable to cope with what was happening any longer. Mentally I chanted all of the things that made me happy, willing the images to take over.

Then, like it never happened, it was over and my body was no longer bound.

"Now you are a man. You did great TJ." Her voice penetrated my happy place, forcing me to open my eyes.

It was just a dream I told myself, staring at the neatly folded pile of clothes and knowing it was anything but.

She handed them to me, and then she left the room.

I pulled my knees to my chest, burying my face between them and letting only a few tears fall.

Why had I let that happen? Why didn't I fight harder? Why was I sitting here crying instead of getting dressed and getting the hell out of here?

I stood, my legs shaking and threatening to give out from under me as I silently pulled my clothes back on, wiped my face, and walked out of the room.

"TJ?" She asked, her eyes boring into mine.

I couldn't find the will to even speak, nor could I look away for fear she would make me do it again.

"If you ever tell anyone, I will make sure you live to regret it. It's our little secret." She said, smiling her wicked smile and patting me on the shoulder.

I flinched away from her, recoiling into myself as my feet pushed forward towards her front door.

"It's our little secret. Let me hear you say it." She said, gripping into my shoulder and halting me.

"It's our little secret." I repeated.

"That's a good boy."

I opened the door and the moment it shut behind me I ran as fast as my legs could take me.

I cleared my throat, over and over again, the noise drawing me out of the images that plagued my mind. I gulped down another glass of water, desperate to be rid of the taste. Desperate to push the bile back down that was threatening to spew over at any minute. I could still feel the silk against my legs, despite the fact my jeans weren't even close to silk. I forced myself to walk over to the couch and sit down to look into Piper's eyes.

It's now or never. You can do this.

"My story is not as fucked up as yours, but it affects me in a lot of the same ways that yours affects you. I need you to say it again Piper. I need to know that if I tell you everything, that you won't run scared because I don't think I can take losing you again." Somehow I didn't believe the words I was saying. It might be different but it was still fifty shades of fucked up.

Piper reached out, grasping my face with both hands. Her eyes found mine, the softness in them conveying only the truth. That she wouldn't leave me. No matter what.

"Nothing you say will change anything. I'm here and I will be here as long as you will have me. I swear to you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm done running from you Ty, I love you."

I cleared my throat again, swallowing hard to keep from spewing it all at once.

"My dad taught me lessons for as long as I can remember. I've shown you the aftermath of those lessons. He instilled in me that weakness was a character flaw and that I should hide it at all costs. To show weakness was to give up on everything I had ever hoped to become because weakness was failure." I swallowed, catching my breath again as Piper reached out to grasp my hand.

I recoiled from her, not because I didn't want to touch her, but because I needed to get this out first.

"I tried desperately to live up to everything he wanted me to be, but I always fell short. I was never good enough. When my father wasn't around- which was rare- my mother would help me do things, teaching me how to please him by completing chores and what to say to keep him from getting angry. I think she was afraid of him too, in her own way. She never stood up for me to his face, her only kindnesses were done in secret."

"That's cruel." Piper said, again reaching out for me. This time I let her take my hand.

"To this day I can still hear her voice in the back of my mind saying that it would all be over soon. I had thought then that she was going to take me away from him, but the day I found out she left without me, I knew that deep down she never truly was." I swallowed hard again, forcing myself to keep my grip with reality. I could still hear my fathers voice in my ear, you'll never be a man. Why can't you do anything right?

"Before she left, when I was eleven, she sent me to her friend Nina's house. It was the one night my dad wasn't going to come home because of his annual business trip. The one night I would be free of his wrath. I looked forward to that night every year." I paused, readying myself for what was next.

Now comes the really hard part.

"Nina was a sick woman, and that night she stole my innocence. What little I had left anyways. She told me she was gonna show me how to be a man. Little did I know her words were literal. She said it was what my dad wanted, and so I complied, only realizing what it meant too late." I wiped at my face, the hot tears that stung my cheeks feeling like small blows to my pride. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want it to affect me as much as it did.

Piper gasped. Her hand covered her mouth instantly and her eyes closed as her own tears fell.

"I think that is why I used sex as a way to cope for so long, because sleeping with someone and feeling nothing somehow made me feel better about myself, like I finally had the control over what happened to me." I felt like shit for even saying that, because it was a sorry excuse for treating women the way I had.

"It's also the reason I can't bring myself to sleep in my own bed alone, because every time I close my eyes I see it happening all over again. Most nights my nightmares are about Nina- coming back to have her way again, but others are me reliving the physical pain my father inflicted upon me all over again. I can still feel the burns when I wake up, like they had just happened only moments before." I clutched at them now, rubbing my thumb over the marks awkwardly and wishing I didn't have that constant reminder of everything he put me through.

I reached out to wipe away her tears, wanting only to comfort her despite my inner turmoil.

"For a long time I refused to let anyone stay overnight, because I was afraid of what they would think when I woke up screaming and clutching my wrists, or screaming the word stop over and over again."

Only you were different.

"You're the only person outside of family who has ever stayed with me through the night and you're the only person I've ever told about what Nina did to me. In fact today is the first time I've ever said it out loud." I felt somewhat better, finally saying it out loud. Finally admitting to someone what happened.

"She preyed on my insecurities and used them to fulfill her twisted desires, then she made me promise to never tell. That night I scrubbed myself until I bled, yet still I felt unclean. No amount of showers could ever seem to wash away the feeling of her skin against mine, but I desperately tried." My skin crawled, feeling that same feeling all over again of being unclean and wanting to wash myself over and over.

"Jesus." Piper said, wrapping her arms tightly around me and pulling me against her chest. She was hesitant, wondering if holding me was somehow going to make it worse, but instead giving in to the need to comfort me the only way she could.

Gently we rocked back and forth as I let everything out and finally fully cried for my eleven year old self. For the little boy I lost and never got back after that night.

"Fear is a powerful motivator." I said after a long bout of silence. I looked up into her eyes and saw the shock still written there.

"It is what has ruled over me for most of my life. It's almost freeing in a way to finally admit that, to finally have the weight off my shoulders. And there's no one in the world I would rather be with right now, telling this story to. I told you I would give you every part of me, and I meant it. Now I am fully and completely yours."

She hugged me tighter, and together we mourned the stories of our lives, tragic as they may be, knowing that now we were finally free.

That was the single most hardest thing I've ever written. Wattpad will probably make it private but I had to do it just like that so you could feel and understand exactly why Tyler is the way he is. As I wrote it, I grieved for him and in a way it was freeing for me too, because now I can allow him to move on and find his ever after. Only an epilogue left. It's been a wild and intense ride. I hope you guys find the ending completely satisfying and worth the pain it took getting there.