Piper

How dare he do that to me. I was so angry I couldn't even think straight. All I wanted was to shove him and pound his face until he begged me to stop.

I wasn't normally a violent person, but tonight I was only seeing red. Hot anger burned through me, sizzling into every part of my being.

When he leaned down and kissed them, that's when I lost it. What kind of sane person would do that? What kind of sane person would talk about how there was beauty in ugliness?

Those marks were nothing but ugly, an ugly truth that no one should ever know. Especially not him.

He had said we weren't that different, but everything about him screamed different. I just wanted to get away from him. Away from those judging eyes that watched my every move.

I fell to the floor, grasping the small silver box in my fingers and tracing along the pattern that was etched into the lid. My mother had given me this box, one week before my father killed her. It was the only thing I kept of my former life, the only thing I refused to leave behind.

I lifted the lid, grasping the blade between my fingers and yanked my sweats down again. I didn't normally do this twice in one day, but the control I had felt from earlier had dissipated the moment he saw me so fragile and weak.

I didn't want to be weak. I needed to regain that control. It was consumed me with how much I needed it.

The blade sliced into my skin again, and I bit into my lower lip to stifle the cry of relief that washed over me.

As the door to my dorm opened, I froze in fear. I had thought it was Ty coming back, but when I saw her my heart started to beat rapidly and the sensation of fainting courses through me. I wasn't sure if it was from losing blood, or from the fact that she knew I was doing it again.

"Oh hell no." Sophie said. She ran to me and jerked the knife away from my hands. She shoved it in her pocket and I knew I would never see it again.

She grabbed the blanket from my bed, and pressed it to my wounds. I started to say something about my blanket, but I decided it was better not to. There was no use to pick a fight right now. It would only make her wrath worse.

"When did you start this again?" She demanded. "Tell me or I'm going to call the hospital and have you put under suicide watch."

I stared at her, as hot the tears flowed down my face and all words caught in my throat. She was going to do that whether I told her or not. I wasn't stupid.

"Tell me!" She screamed.

"Today." I choked out. "I just started today."

That was a lie. I had been cutting again for almost a week now. She could probably tell that from the marks on my skin, but I didn't want to see the look of disappointment in her eyes, at least not more than I already did.

"Piper I swear to God I will have you committed. Why? Why do you do this? I don't understand." Tears ran down her face now, her pride set aside the moment I started to hurt myself.

"I- I don't know. It makes me feel better in some sick twisted way." I said, as I pulled my knees to my chest.

"Jesus Christ. You're more fucked up than I thought. You need to get help Piper. You need to talk to someone." She rocked back and forth, her eyes wild with emotion.

My phone pinged, and she snatched it from my hands.

"No!" I cried, as I reached out for it.

It was too late.

Her eyes widened as she scrolled through the messages I had sent to Jack's old number, and she looked from my phone to me and back. I never should have left that thread up.

"Fuck Piper. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He's fucking dead. Do you not realize it that he's dead? He isn't coming back to you no matter how many times you text him. This isn't a nightmare you can wake up from, he's gone. This is real. You have to stop denying that and deal with it before it kills you. Before you kill yourself." She stood to her feet and paced the room now, as she stared at my phone and contemplated what to do next. "Jesus I must be hallucinating, this can't be real. This isn't real."

"I know he's gone. I know. I know he isn't coming back. I just, I never got to say some things and I thought this would help me deal." I said quietly.

"Well you were wrong. All it's done is make everything worse. I just walked in on you cutting yourself. You haven't done that since freshman year of high school. I thought this was over, that I didn't have to worry every single day that you were going to take it too far." She started to cry all over again, then she hit her knees and crawled over to me to take me in her arms.

"I didn't cut myself because of the texts. I did it because I betrayed him. I can't stand to even look at myself. I did it because I lost control and it was the only way I could get it back." I yelled and pushed her away.

"How did you betray him Piper? He's gone. He doesn't even know what you did."

"It doesn't matter Sophie, he might be gone but I still love him with everything I have." I wiped at my face furiously, willing my eyes to just stop leaking. I was a fucking wreck and I knew it. I wasn't even going to try to deny it.

This was the end for me. Sophie would never leave me alone again. There was no way I was getting out of this without getting treatment. She would make sure of that.

"I know Piper. I know and it sucks, but Jack wouldn't want you like this. He would want you to find someone else and move on. He would want you to get help. You know that right? He wouldn't want you texting his dead phone and crying about all of these things." She reached out for my hand, and I let her take it.

"I do." I said. "Just can I have five minutes to gather my thoughts before you take me away? I swear I won't even touch the knife. Take it with you."

"One minute. If I even suspect you're in here hurting yourself I swear I'm knocking the door down. This goes against my better judgement Piper, but I love you and I know you need a minute." She stood, giving me one last look before she walked out the door.

Greedily I snatched my phone from the floor, and quickly typed another message.

I hit the send button and shoved the phone into my pocket. I yelled for Sophie and sat on my bed watching as she packed my clothes into a bag. I even let her drag me out of there without a fight.

I was too tired to fight. Too tired to argue. I just wanted to get better now.

Jack was gone, and it was time I accepted that.

*

Three days later

It was finally time to get back to life. My suicide watch was over, but my treatment was far from done.

The doctors recommended that I see a specialist who dealt with grief, three times a week.

I had spoken with the resident psychologist several times throughout my stay.

I told her about the visions I got, about the constant memory dives, about the need to regain control that overwhelmed me until I burst. She recommended I not stay alone, so Sophie was going to crash at my dorm for a while.

As I packed my things, the nurse came in and handed me my phone. I didn't dare turn it on. The memories of the text messages flooded my mind, threatening to bring me down all over again.

Sophie had wanted me to stay in the hospital longer, but I just couldn't afford any more days. I couldn't afford a treatment facility, so this was my next best option.

I knew it was going to take a lot to catch up on the classes I had missed, so I preferred it this way.

If I could just finish college and get out, everything would be better.

The doctor had said I was suffering from PTSD, a form of stress that took on as a disorder. He said it was triggered by the traumatic event that I had witnessed as a child and that until I learned to deal with it I would never move on.

I also had a form of depression, the kind that Ty had talked about. He said locking my feelings away and substituting fake happiness was a form of coping, without really addressing the problem. He had said that I looked for someone to fix me, that I took the first person who made me feel safe. I guess I never really had felt safe since my dad did what he did. That was until I met Jack.

I kept thinking back to what Ty had said that night in my room.

They consume you and take you to a place you always thought you would never go. The only thing that helps is talking about it.

Maybe Tyler was right, maybe my thoughts consumed me and the only way out was to talk about it. I had spent my whole life avoiding it, refusing to talk about it, and look where that had gotten me.

Maybe I should give him more credit than I had. He seemed to know what he was talking about. After all, my doctor had said basically the same thing.

Maybe the player actually paid attention in class, maybe he actually took something from it. But what haunted me the most was how he said we weren't that different. Did he hurt himself too? Did I only think of him and feel this way because he was another safety net? I didn't want another safety net, I just wanted to move on and get to a point I wouldn't need one.

I didn't want to think about it anymore so I shut it off. I shut my whole mind off. Instead I focused on thinking of rainbows and sunshine and the beach.

Go to your happy place.

That's what the doctor had said. When everything got to be too much, I just had to go to my happy place. I closed my eyes and was on the beach, my toes curled in the sand, staring up at the rainbow that appeared after a light rain.

It was one of my best memories. One of my best memories that didn't involve Jack, the man I was trying to move on from.

"Ready to go?" Sophie said, and it interrupted my thoughts.

"Yeah."

She threw her arm around me, picked up my small bag, and ushered me out to her car.

The drive was silent, both of us not knowing what to say. When we arrived I walked ahead of her up to my room.

It felt surreal to walk back into my dorm after everything. The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was vanilla and a hint of spice. Second was my bed, the sheets were freshly laundered, and the blanket that held my blood stains was gone, replaced with a new one. The new blanket was shades of purple, with bright pink hibiscus flowers printed all over it. I had instantly hated it.

When my fingers ran over the pattern, I wished I could just ball it up and throw it in the garbage, or burn it.

"So which way is the communal shower? I need to get the stink of chemicals off of me. I can't stand the smell of hospitals." Sophie said, offering me a small smile.

"Out the door, down the hall, and to the left." I muttered.

"You gonna be okay in here by yourself?" She asked.

"Yeah. I'm okay, I promise."

I was far from okay, but I wasn't going to voice it. I didn't need her to be stuck up my ass twenty-four seven.

"Okay I won't take long."

She grabbed a towel from my closet and walked out the door, then shut it softly behind her.

I wasted no time and turned my phone on. I didn't know if I would get the chance again. I needed to say one last thing before I let it go for good.

When the phone powered on, I scrolled through my contacts. The first thing I noticed was his number was gone. It didn't matter though, I knew it by heart.

I swiped to my text message screen, almost crying all over again when I saw the thread was completely gone. I guess I should have expected nothing less though. I couldn't truly move on if I had all of his texts to look at, or my own.

I stared down at the screen, tears filling my eyes as my fingers hovered over the buttons.

Is this smart?

I knew I shouldn't, but I just couldn't stop myself. It needed to be said. I needed closure.

Besides, the doctor even said I needed closure. I was only following doctors orders right?

Still somehow I felt guilty for doing this behind Sophie's back, for hiding it all over again.

She had done nothing but try to help me, and I sat here and basically disregarded everything she had done for me.

I stopped, glancing over at the room phone and felt a pang in my chest. I wanted to talk to him too, but I didn't know how. I didn't know if he even wanted to talk to me anymore, and I didn't know his number even if he did.

My best bet would be to catch him before or after class.

I looked back down at my phone, and remembered that a text had come through the night everything happened and I wondered who the hell had sent it.

There weren't any unread texts, so I filtered through what was left on my phone.

At least Mindy wasn't mad anymore. If she was checking in, she still cared.

Someone had replied. I guessed that someone was Sophie. She was after all the one who had my phone last. Bless her heart for not telling Mindy I was in the hospital. For not spilling everything.

I would have to thank her later.

I took a deep breath and let my fingers glide across the keys, typing out the final message to Jack.

This is it. This is the end.

I re-read it twice before I hit send and quickly deleted the text so Sophie wouldn't see it. I powered off the phone, not wanting to even be tempted. A lone tear escaped as I set the phone down on my desk.

Then I fell back on the bed, closed my eyes and let sleep take over me for the first time in three long days. I didn't notice the faint hint of cologne that lingered on my pillows.