Piper

We sat in silence in the car for several minutes. I stared out the window for most of it, and wondered when he was going to start the car again and take me to the next location, or if there even was one. It seemed like he was making this shit up as he went along, like it was all a lie. I couldn't say I hated it though, he had actually made it somewhat fun.

I wasn't ready to go back to the dorms yet, but I knew that Sophie was probably there already, wondering where I was.

"I should probably get back to the dorms. My friend, she's probably there waiting for me. I called her just before you showed up." I interrupted the silence.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him again. The moment we shared earlier had me confused and afraid. Afraid that somehow I was betraying Jack.

My mind kept circling back to when he bumped into me on the path. Why hadn't I moved away? Why had his breath sent small tingles down my spine? The warmth and strength I felt from him had comforted me in a way I didn't understand. I should have moved, but I didn't and guilt was eating me alive. Was I even ready to be so close to someone else right now? Was it fair to Jack? Was I just overthinking the whole thing? I couldn't deny that as I looked into his eyes I was overcome with the sensation of wanting to kiss him. I had wanted to kiss him more than I had ever wanted anything in my life and it scared the hell out of me. Did this mean a part of me was moving on?

I didn't even know him. I had no reason to want such idiotic things. I loved Jack, this I knew. But something about Ty made me feel something I hadn't felt since Jack died. It made me feel alive again.

It hurt me to no end knowing that another guy could provoke such feelings in me like that. I wasn't ready to move on yet. I knew that in my heart, but my body was having a hard time comprehending it.

"Sure. Did you at least have a good time?" Ty asked as he turned to look at me.

The way his eyes were piercing mine made me feel like he was looking inside of me. Into the window of my soul. I had only had one other person look at me like that, and he was gone now. I kept flashing back to the night of our first kiss, the night he first looked at me like that, and it gripped around my heart like a clenching fist.

I wanted to cry right then and there, but I held it in. I wouldn't cry in front of Ty, I just wouldn't. I quickly looked away and out the window.

"Yeah. Thanks." I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"You should smile more Piper. It looks beautiful on you."

He started the car and without another word pulled out onto the main road.

When we arrived I reached for the door handle to get out, but his fingers wrapped softly around my wrist. I turned back to him, my voice caught in my throat. I had no idea how to put into words what I needed to say. That I needed him to back off because I wasn't emotionally ready for this. For anything like this.

"Can we hang out again sometime? As friends of course." He said, giving me the same stare he had earlier. The stare that peeked inside of me to all my hidden secrets.

"I'm not really trying to make friends. I just want to keep my head down and finish school as quickly as possible." I said, pulling my arm from his grip. The look on his face almost made me take it all back, but instead I turned away. I couldn't go there.

"Okay I understand. The offer stands if you change your mind." He turned and faced the windshield again refusing to look at me and I got out of the car, walking straight into my building without turning back.

I didn't want to take the chance of letting myself be around him. Not when I wasn't ready to move on. I didn't trust myself with him one single bit. Not when I was this vulnerable.

I walked up to my room with my head down, eyes trained on the ground. The thoughts were maddening, forcing me to try to make some kind of sense out of it all. The problem was, I couldn't make any sense of it. I didn't know what the hell was happening. Not with any part of my life. I had lost the control all over again, and it wasn't something that I wanted to think about.

"Where have you been?" Sophie asked.

"I'm sorry I forgot to call you. I went out for some dinner." I lied. It was only a half lie, I had went out and I had gotten dinner. I just hadn't planned dinner when I left with Ty.

I didn't want her to know I had been out with a guy. I didn't want to see hope in her eyes. I knew lying was an idiot move, but I saw no other choice.

No one wanted me to move on more than Sophie. She was my best friend besides Jack. She hated seeing me like this, all broken up and sad. She always had.

Knowing I was out with some guy would only make it worse. And right now I couldn't handle worse. Right now I couldn't handle much of anything.

"I'm just gonna go change. Wait for me in my room?" I asked.

"Sure."

I unlocked the door and stepped in, walking straight to my closet to grab some clothes.

She sat down on my bed and watched as I walked out into the hallway.

The only bad thing about living in a dorm was the stupid common bathrooms. I'd just about give my left foot for my own private bathroom.

I had my own private bathroom, but I had left all that behind. I couldn't bear to spend another moment in the house I shared with Jack, so I just packed up my things and left. The only thing I took of his was the sweat shirt I was wearing when the police came to my door that night. It still smelled like him. Stupidly I had hoped that if I just left his things alone like he had left them, one day he would return and tell me it wasn't him in the car that night.

I was stupid. Even more stupid for living in a dorm room when I had a house, but I just couldn't do it. I also couldn't let the house go. I continued to pay for that empty house, left exactly the same as before he died- minus my most important things. But I wasn't yet ready to part with any of it.

I stepped into a stall, quickly changing before sitting down on the toilet and letting a few tears fall. I felt like I had done something very wrong. I felt guilty as hell and I had thought at one point that I couldn't feel anymore guilty than I already did.

Without even thinking I took my phone out and typed another message.

I quickly tucked my phone away in my pocket and walked out of the bathroom, furiously wiping at my eyes. I didn't want Sophie to know I had been crying, because that would only lead me to cry more. And when I cried, it was an ugly cry. The kind that rips you apart inside and out.

"What took you so long?" Sophie asked when I pushed open the door to my room.

"Oh sorry, there was a line for the stall." I lied again.

I hated lying to her, but I couldn't tell her I was texting my dead fiancé. She wouldn't understand. Hell if I were her I wouldn't understand. I would probably try to have her committed. That was my biggest fear, that she would find out and try to lock me away.

My phone weighed heavy in my pocket, my fingers itching to grab it and let my fingers roam across the keys typing yet another message. I would have to make another excuse to get away long enough to send just one more.

It would always be just one more, then one more, and then one more. It was inevitably going to become a problem but I was refused to acknowledge that right now.

"So, tell me Piper, how are you doing?" She asked, trying to break through the uncomfortable silence.

"Some days are good, others are bad." I said, kicking at the rug that stopped just underneath my bed.

"That's to be expected. Have you socialized with anyone since starting here? Made any new friends?"

I didn't want to make new friends. I wanted to wallow in my misery and spend my days punishing myself because I had lost it all. I wanted to blame myself for his death. Maybe if I hadn't been so damn needy he would still be here. Maybe.

"One." I said, refusing to elaborate any further. I wasn't even sure I could call him a friend anyways.

"Piper-" she started.

"I know Soph. I know. I'm just afraid to get close to anyone else. I can't handle another loss." I cast my eyes down to the rug, knowing she was about to jump my case.

"Life is short Piper. So damn short. If you shut yourself off because of Jacks death, life will pass you by and you will grow to regret it."

Maybe Sophie should be the one majoring in psychology instead of me. Sophie seemed to have it all together. She seemed to have all the answers like I used to, but knowing and doing were two very different things.

"If you lost the love of your life, you might understand. You can't possibly grasp the depth of emotions I feel. It's only been a month. A month. It's not easy." I felt the tears pooling around my eyes again, threatening to spill over at any moment.

I was angry. Not so much at her as I was at myself. I was angry that I refused to accept he was gone. I knew in my heart it was destructive behavior but I couldn't stop. It was like watching my life on a tv screen in front of me. I was yelling at myself- telling myself to stop this shit, but like the actors on tv, I couldn't hear.

Nothing felt real. It was like I was spending my time going through the motions, running a race yet never making it to the finish line.

"Piper I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, because I don't. But what I do know is that this is unhealthy for you. You're allowing your grief to control every aspect of your life and you can't do that. You have to be strong." She sighed, resting a hand on my shoulder. "You have to try to move on. Jack is gone and there's nothing you can do about it."

I knew from my studies that grief was a powerful thing. I knew that if I let it consume me I would drown, yet knowing, I still couldn't seem to keep my head above water. I couldn't seem to stop it from consuming me.

Jack was in my every action, my every thought, my every moment. And I- I was powerless to stop it.

More so I was angry. I knew Sophie was right, but I didn't want to hear it. So I did the only thing I knew how in that moment. I began to push her away by igniting her own anger.

"Maybe I don't want to move on. Maybe holding on is what's keeping me together. Maybe I don't want you here either, telling me how to live my life."

Her eyes flashed with hot anger. I knew it would work. She was so easy to rile up.

"If you don't at least try to move on, I won't be able to see you anymore. I'm tired of picking up the pieces Piper. I'm so tired. I have my own shit to deal with."

Well I hadn't expected her to say that.

"Get the fuck out." I screamed. "Don't you ever say that to me again. You are the one who started this motherly type relationship. You are the one who chose to look after me. I didn't even like you and I never asked for your help! Just get the fuck out."

I saw the tears forming in her eyes- tears that she would never let spill because of her pride. I hated it. I hated being mad at her. But anger was the only thing I could control right now.

"I won't apologize for saying what needed to be said. You can hate me all you want Piper but I love you and I'm worried for you."

Sophie gathered up her things and walked to the door. I didn't say anything as she walked out the door without another word. She didn't even look at me. It hurt like hell. I had kicked her out, yet it hurt when she left. How hypocritical of me.

The tears spilled over, hot and stinging down my face as I recalled that night all over again. The night I lost it all.

"Jack please?" I begged. "I just want one. It will only take five minutes."

I just wanted a stupid burger from the fast food place up the street. I had been studying all day for a test and I hadn't gotten a chance to eat. The house was empty of most everything because we hadn't had a chance to go shopping for groceries with all the studying we'd had this week.

"Piper I'm exhausted. Can we please just go to bed?" Jack asked.

"I won't be able to sleep on an empty stomach. I would drive myself but I've already had a glass of wine. Please Jack. Just one burger." I was almost whining. The wine was sour on my stomach, turning it over and over until I wanted to puke.

"Okay Piper. I'll be right back."

Jack leaned in for a kiss and annoyed, I brushed him off with only a peck and went back to studying.

It seemed like Jack had been gone forever. I glanced back at the clock and realized it had been an hour since he left. I started to panic. The burger joint was only five minutes up the street.

I started to nervously pace the kitchen, glancing at the clock every few seconds.

Thirty minutes went by, forty, another hour.

Then there was a loud booming knock at my door. I ran for it, swinging it open so fast it slammed into the wall.

"Miss Page?" An officer asked.

My heart sank. I knew something was very very wrong.

"Yes?"

"I'm afraid there's been an accident. This address was on the license of the young man involved but we were unable to confirm if it was him or not. I'm going to need you to come down to the morgue with me and identify the body."

Body? No. No. No.

"Excuse me?" I asked, sure that I had heard him wrong.

"Ma'am I'm gonna need you to come with me." He said again.

I was in shock, unable to process anything. I didn't even grab my keys. I just stepped out the door, closed it, and walked to the officers car.

"What happened?"

He looked at me with sad eyes and lowered his head as if he was saying a prayer. Moments later he looked back up at me.

"The car was wrapped around a tree, it looks like the driver fell asleep at the wheel. The impact and the glass has made the face unidentifiable. We're hoping you can identify him by the tattoo."

The tears fell faster as I re-lived that night in my mind. Jacks body was so mangled even I barely recognized him. The metal from the car had practically ripped his face off leaving nothing to identify him with. I didn't even believe it was him until I saw the tattoo.

If only I had just went to bed hungry.

I grasped my phone in my hands, fingers typing before I knew what I was doing.