Dear diary,

Remember when I said Diaries were for the weak? Well, I guess now I'm the weak. So I'll be switching it.
I didn't write on Saturday and Sunday, I did absolutely nothing on those days but lay in bed like dead person, and shower because I'm depressed, not gross. My mom forced me to go to school today against my will.

I showed up to school today wearing regular jeans and a grey sweatshirt. I tried my best to get to school early so I draw less attention to myself. Today, I wanted to blend in completely. I wore boring clothes, I walked like a boring person, I just wanted to go completely unnoticed. Becka walked into class a little after me. She sat down in her usual spot behind me, as soon as she sat down she moved closer to my desk.

"Dude, are you ok? You never answered any of my texts the whole weekend."

"......I'm fine."

"You sure? You looked like you haven't slept in days."

"......"

"Anyway, I spent all weekend doing it, but I reported every single one of the comments online about you. I don't know if it will do much, but I tried."

"...you didn't have to do that...." I said softly.

"You're my best friend, so I would kinda be a jerk if I did nothing. I also replied to all of them giving them shit for cyber bully." She pulled out her phone. "See"
There was a bunch of new comments saying nicer things like 'bullying is wrong' and shit like that. I thanked Becka and she said no problem, what she did probably didn't do much to help me. But at least I know that she tried, that's more than anyone has ever done for me. People were slowly filling the room, class was about to start soon. I was resting my head on my desk, trying to shut the rest of the world. I didn't want to be here, I really didn't, not in this room, not in this school, not in this town, not on this planet. I just wanted to be detached from everything. I came here hoping that if I laid low that I would go unnoticed by everyone. But no such luck. I felt someone tap my shoulder, I slowly looked up and turned towards them, I didn't wanna move to fast, I had a massive headache. I looked to see Lyle smiling at me, I internally groaned and laid back down on my desk. I didn't want to see Lyle anymore, it's his stupid boyfriend who's been tormenting me and is responsible for all the shit in my life right now. All because I fucking hugged "his" Lyle. If I just listened to Becka and didn't get too close with him, this wouldn't be happening. It would be just like how it was in the beginning of the year, just me, and Becka minding our own god damn business. I don't know who to blame for this. Chad for causing all of this and bullying me, Lyle for fucking dating that jerk and acting all close with me when he knows how Chad is and he knows I don't wanna get close to anyone. Or myself, for even falling for Lyle in the first place when I knew nothing good would come from it. I felt Lyle tap me on the shoulder again only harder, I quickly turned towards him with a pissed off look on my face. He had a small frown.

"Hi Mark."

".........." *stares at him angrily intensely* he gulped and continued to speak.

"Are you ok?"

Am I ok? Is he seriously gonna ask me that?! My life has basically gone to shit, I gained two pounds for eating all that ice cream. I spent my whole weekend either sleeping in bed or cutting. And his boyfriend is responsible for all all of it. And why? Because I half hugged his boyfriend! The fuck is wrong with Chad? Does he have mental problems? Lyle seams to be oblivious to all of this, which makes me question how smart he really is. That, or he's ignoring it, which makes me question our pretty much non-existing friendship. I was just so pissed and so tired right now. I just ignored him and laid back down on the desk.

"Mark, what's going on, you've been acting weird lately, did something happen?" Did something happen?! Does he not see what's going on in our school right now, or hear the shit people are saying shout me? I slowly turned back towards him.

"You mean you don't know?" I deadpanned. He shook his head no, I think he genuinely didn't know. "Then ask Chad."

"Chad? What about him? I'm sorry that he hurt you the other day, Chad's just a little over protective, but I promise you that on the inside he is very kind." He said with a smile. I felt pure rage boil up inside me after he said that. There is not a single drop of kindness in Chad! If he was really a good person, would he be doing this. I just laid back down on my desk. I can't take anymore of this, I really like Lyle, but he's so oblivious to everything, and the fact that he really convinced himself that Chad is good, makes me question him. And besides, he has a boyfriend already, and all of this is happening because of Lyle and stupid Chad. And Lyle's really starting to piss me off. I think it's time to get over him.

"Mark, are you ignoring me? Why?" After that, Mr.Gof walked in, and I'm very glad he did. That's a first. I can't take much more of this, I think I'm gonna ask him if I can move to that one empty desk neat the back. It's away from Becka which sucks, but it's also a way from Lyle which sucks a lot less. Becka may be a bit upset that I moved desks, because I'm actually starting to think she thinks of us as  close friends, but if I explain, maybe she'll understand.

When class was over I went over to his desk, I told Becka to meet me in the next class. He was marking papers.

"Um, excuse me sir?" I asked attempting to sound nice so he'll say yes.

"Yes, Mr. Cromwell, shouldn't you be heading off to you're next class?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Uh-h. Yes, but, I was wondering if..."

"Well? Get on with it!"

"If it would be ok for me to sit in that desk in the back."

"Marcus, you know that don't allow for my students to just decide to switch desks."

"Yes I know, but.." I had to come up with something. "There are too many distractions where I'm sitting. I think I will be able to work better in the back..away from all the distractions."

"Hmm.. You do seam to be quite distracted from the lesson. I suppose I can allow for this to happen just this once, but only if you prove that you can work better in the back. If you cannot focus near the back then you have to move to your original seat."

"Thank you sir." I said before walking out of class. Math was fucking boring, and I ate nothing for lunch, I could take the awkward stares I was getting so I spent lunch in the bathroom stall.

Then it was art class, I was trying to stay far away from Lyle and everyone else.

"Hey!" I heard, I turned my head and saw Becka sit next to me. "What the heck dude. You ditched me at lunch today, I spent a whole 30 minutes looking for you." She looked pissed.

"Sorry."

"Where were you?"

"In the bathroom."

"For 30 minutes? Doing what? Taking a massive shit?!"

"I was hiding from society. Don't be gross." I said in a dead voice. She gave me this look, though I didn't pay too much attention to it.

Ms. Lucinda told us to work on our art project. We had to draw a scene in nature, I'm drawing the woods in winter.

"Mark?" I looked up from my drawing and put down my pencil. "So...how are things going for you. It looks like somethings bothering you. You look all upset and shit."

"Me? Upset? Never." I said continuing with drawing.

"Are you sure? You can talk to me about your problems. Is it all the stuff online?" I ignored her and continued shading in the trees. "......"

"......."

"What did you talk about with mr. Flanagan?"

"......"

"......."

"I asked him if I could move desks." I said continuing to draw and not looking up from the sketchbook.

"What? Why!?" She looked shocked. "You don't want to sit near me anymore?!"

"No...that's not it. I don't wanna near Lyle anymore." I said with no expression.

"You didn't have to move desks because of him. Just forget about him, he's no good for you anyways. He's with Chad, obviously he has bad taste."

"You don't understand. I can't be near him anymore. He's getting on my nerves. He keeps on trying to talk to me and he doesn't even seam to know what Chad is doing to me. He's 100% convinced Chad is a good guy. All he does is say things like Chad didn't mean to do anything he did and that he's a good person, and how me and Chad could really get along."

"That's a load of bullshit, you don't need him, just get over it."

"That's right, it is a load of bullshit, and that's why I gotta move as far away from him as possible. I already have a lot of bullshit going on in my life, I don't need more."

The rest of the day was boring, the same old thing happened, people throwing balls of paper at my head with rude things like dumbass, and fag, and worthless written on it. Boring classes teachers yelling at me for not paying attention when I was. Lyle trying to get me to talk to him, though I didn't want to, I can't talk to someone who's in love with the guy who causes me the most pain. Looking at Lyle hurts now, I liked him so much, but he's with that jerk Chad. And he doesn't even seam to know about all the shit he does. Becka's trying to convince me to sit with her again, though we sit near each other in every other class. It's just English class that we'll be sitting apart from each other. She needs to understand how much being around Lyle and the people who bully me hurts. She says she understands why I'm upset, but it doesn't seam like she really gets it. But of course she doesn't know how serious it is, I never told her the full story, I can't. I just need to be away from everything, I want to stay home from school forever, but it won't be so easy to get my mom to let me stay home again. It hurts, every time I hear someone whisper something about me, I get the urge to cut or yell at them to shut up. Out of habit I would rub my thigh where my scars and fresh cuts are. The fresher ones kind of hurt, but their something nice about the sting, I can't explain it. Soon school was over and I practically ran out of the school. I didn't wait for anyone, not even Becka, I had to get away from everything. I can hardly take any of this anymore, these past couple of days have brought nothing but years of bad memories. I had the school turn on me again, I had teachers yell at me again, whenever my mom sees me hurt, she assumes it was because I was in a fight. I already had my crush reject me again, all in a matter of days! What sucks the most is that for a moment I thought things would be different at this school. Boy was I wrong.

I'm done writing for today, bye. I just want this to be over.