January 1st

Dear Diary,

Today is the first day of a new year, right? It's a special day. Yet it feels so strange that I didn't manage to see anything based on it. As if this universe doesn't even have a calendar at all, nor am I able to see or celebrate what I had in my own world. Nobody came to see me, not a human nor a creature. I'm still wondering if there are any people that care about me back home.

Being a new year from today on, I probably did have a lot of wishes before it came. Like being someone new, a better version of myself for the ones I care about. Or maybe to improve on something that I loved to do. Maybe I wished to buy something that I always wanted to have but never managed to get the money for it. Or maybe I just wanted to relax with my family during the last hours of the past year so that we can make beautiful memories.

It would be nice to know what I wished for. Most people from what I know would wish for money. They will put a small or huge amount of them in their pockets during the New Year's Eve, something like a ritual for a better economic future. I don't know if I ever did that, but I really doubt it. Or maybe I did it when I was a child and my family saw this action as a tradition.

Come to think of it, did my past self wish to discover a whole new world out there? It would explain why I am here and what is my purpose. But I do not understand why he also wished to forget everything as well. Maybe something happened that he wished to forget? Did he try to run away from a memory that haunted him? But why risk it all on this wish to never remember your loved ones and be forgotten alongside them?

I do wonder how my life was like before and also how everyone around me was feeling about my presence. It gets rather uncomfortable thinking that something did happen and that is why I am alone with nobody to see. And it will also explain why no one came or at least tried to see me as well. Did I disappoint them at some point? Did I betray them or abandoned someone? Did I hate them myself which caused their hatred towards me later?

It can't be that though. Even if I still don't know if there is anybody out there in my world dear to me, I get the feeling that I cared about them all. Maybe it's just my feelings taking over my mind. My confusion is only making everything worse, including my perception of the past that I still need answers on. I am... afraid, to say the least. I am afraid to find out the truth. I am afraid to know what I wished for to get to be in this situation.

But no matter what I wished to do before I lost my memories, I will try to do everything that I can think of and which my past self could've wanted to achieve this year. I will try maybe to write a list of those things to you so that I can remember them as well. This way, maybe past me will be satisfied. And maybe I will keep my mind off those unsettling ideas.

☆ Buy a nice house for my family.

☆ Visit other countries that my wife / children would like to see.

☆ Spend more time with them as if it is our last day on Earth.

☆ Go out with my friends frequently to relax after work.

☆ Buy my children their dream toy.

☆ Go home