January 29th

Dear Diary,

It's so cold here. It feels like I am standing in snow while the merciless wind travels from a place to another with such speed that could strike you down. My head is constantly feeling as if I was on the edge of having a stroke and I don't even know what causes such nightmares. It might be the environment that is still changing its appearance and affects me physically. But it isn't long before this colourful world disappears forever.

For the past few days here, I was completely bedridden. I felt unwell this whole time and it isn't familiar to me this strange unwellness. It doesn't feel like a cold, nor like any other illness that I could get. It's a feeling rather close to weights, all pushing you down to the point of suffocating you. Something constantly torturing my body, making it feel weak and helpless, leaving me with the idea that nobody will ever come to help me again.

I just... don't know what is happening anymore. I wish I could just get my answers and not be afraid of something that I do not understand. Everything I do seems useless, without any kind of sense of why am I exactly doing it and for what. And then there is this strange feeling that I have failed my only purpose here, completely destroying what I was probably suppose to do. Yet I don't even know what I was meant to do here anymore.

What exactly was my purpose here? If I truly destroyed this world alone, then why was I sent here from the very beginning? I probably wasn't meant to even discover this place, let alone to stay in it for so long without anybody noticing. And why exactly is no one trying to help me get out of this place? Why is no one understanding how I feel about this whole situation?

I've been left all alone, I've lost my only home and I don't even know what I am suppose to do now before this world completely crashes while I am still inside it. I don't want to disappear, I don't even want to know what happens after everything around here changes into nothing but darkness. I am afraid of my fate and I am afraid of continuing my journey in this world at the same time. Why can't I just go back to how things were before?

I think that I am rather... having a mental breakdown. I didn't intend on this to happen while writing to you. I just wanted to keep you up with my current situation, but it seems that my emotions are just hard to control for the moment. Sorry if this wasn't so amazing to hear. I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable with everything that I have to battle. I just hope I didn't scare you.

But I guess that... this is life after all. We don't have the answers to every question, nor are we in control of everything. I always wished to show you only the beauty of this world, so I remained positive no matter my situation. But you have to remember that life isn't always about colour and happiness. There is always a horrible aspect to it which we as humans avoid. Every good side has its evil side, being a balance between the two forces and making a perfect one object. That's what makes life beautiful.