20/07/18
7:45 pm

Dear Diary ,

Today I sent him " I need to talk to you." and he replied with a "me too". I guess I was right...  I mean this is not the first time a guy does this to me. I feel like crying, puking, fainting, I even have my blood pressure in high (I am not exaggerating I took my blood pressure and it was high). This is how much he means to me. He means a lot and he makes me feel this way. It has been like an hour or two and I am waiting for him to call me, I am waiting for him to end us, I am waiting for him to break my heart. I know he is out with his friends and I get it but it kills me to wait. It can be anything. I tried to convince myself that it can be another thing and my best friend tried too but I guess it's not working and I have a huge feeling that he is gonna cut it, he is gonna cut us, cut the relationship. Even if we are just friends with benefits we did a lot of stuff that "friends with benefits" would not dare to do. I really wanted to give it a shot but a guess its all over.

9:20 pm

I shall say that I am still waiting for him to call and it is sad to say that it sucks. I have drank a beer to see if it helped with the nerves and it did not. What the actual fuck is taking him so damn long? I am like dying like literally I feel like shit. if he doesn't dare to call soon I will puke.

11:23 pm

Yup! he broke my heart in pieces. I tried not to cry but it seems impossible. I just can't..

From: Him
To: Me

" What I'm going to tell you is not easy for me because you mean a lot to me , but I think we should take a break. I really want to be honest with you and the truth is that I don't feel the same, and believe me you have done nothing wrong, the opposite, you have been supper loving and attentive and I can't ask for more. Thats why I think we should stay as friends. You shouldn't be with someone who only gives half way. You deserve someone who gives as much as and you do and you give a lot. Honestly it's better this way and believe me that I really hope we can keep the friendship because you mean a lot to me. You were my first crush In college and it turned out as I wanted. The truth is it hurts that I can't give you what you where expecting and I really wanted this to work. I'm so sorry and like I said I really want us to move forward and keep the friendship."

Those are the exact words, he sent a text while we talked on the phone because he didn't know how to say it to me. And while we talked on the phone I asked plenty of times because it felt and  feels like it was me, it always feels like it's me. I am the one with problems, I am the one who is doing something wrong, I am the one with the fault.

How can someone change so easily? how can someone change from loving you one day to " I don't feel the same" the other?

I am so confused honestly.

My voice cracked until I bursted into tears and well yeah he heard me and he said he was sorry. But that didn't help at all.

I really wanted to talk to him but I couldn't, I just couldn't. I told him I was going to sleep even if he knew I always fell asleep late. I wasn't even sleepy.

We hung up.

2:01 am

I can't sleep.