July 22, 2018

4:49 am.

Dear Diary,

I had a phone call. I talked to him for four hours and two minutes and it was amazing. We talked about everything. Those types of conversations where you two share everything. That was the type of conversation we had. I laughed so much honestly and hearing his voice it's just amazing... For just a moment it felt like nothing had changed and that everything was okay. It's like I was alive again, full of happiness, we talked aboutrandom stuff like ghost or our family and more really really really random things and my really random day (everything was random and funny). He talked about his day too. The conversation was so pure and sincere, I really needed this. Thank you so much Jason, you really are amazing even when you broke my heart in a billion pieces. I will always love you even if you don't know it or notice it. Even if I have never said those words to you, I love you. It's gonna be our secret.

I didn't let him know I was hurting even if I wanted to scream on top of my lungs. I told him about my crazy day but I didn't had the courage to tell him that my best friend  and I grabbed a coffee and we both cried for hours. Melissa is such an amazing best friend honestly. All we did was talk about how I felt and yes I felt terrible but thanks to that I was able to talk to him as calm and happy as I did. I needed my best friend to hear how my day was, I needed to be happy and not talk about the sad stuff I did with Melissa and Jason was there for me. Jason before we were something else he was my best friend and it's amazing that you get to date your best friend because you don't feel uncomfortable around them or judged. 

It's funny 'cause I loved how the time flied, literally it felt like minutes and we talked for four hours. It's not the first time that we have done that but it felt good to have his time and attention only if we are just friends. If I'm honest I think I won't be able to resist not kissing him back if he tries to kiss me.

I know I confessed that I love him but I just want be clear, I not just love him romantically, I love him as a friend too. He is my person and he will forever be my debility.

I'm a mess.