What's your biggest fear? Have you faced it yet?

Dear Diary,
                       Fear, like pain, is a blessing.

It is only when fear has ripped you apart, limb by limb and atom by atom, that you can learn to rebuild yourself from scratch.

Because there's no way to go but up when you've hit rock bottom.

And a rebuilt self is always better.

I know you're tired of hearing this, but my biggest fear was confronting Travis's and my dad's death, head on.

Of course, I have accepted it, but acceptance and confrontation are two very different things.

And yes, I have faced part of my fear.

The first part, that I have been able to face, was to finally get through the whole song that played at their funeral.

The second part, that I have failed to face, was to visit their graves.

To complete this entry, I will have to recount how I faced this fear.

About a week or two ago, Brandon was over and we were doing our homework.

All of a sudden, he asked me the same question:
"What's your biggest fear?"

For a few moments, I let my thoughts wander.

Losing him?
Never hearing from Luke again?
Completely losing my mother?
Failing to graduate high school?

But then I realized, it was confronting Travis and dad's death.

So I explained it to him.
He listened, nodded, and we resumed with our work.

After we were done, he took my iPod and played "Say Something"

"No, no, no! I will not do this. Not today" I said, firmness surrounding each one of my words.

"I'm not asking you to cry, I'm not asking you to mourn. I'm only asking you to listen" he said.

"I'm not strong enough. I can't" I said, still firm.

"I'm here. And you can" he said, sounding firm too.

So I gave in.

I sat there. Holding Brandon's hand in mine.

Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something I'm giving up on you.

I would've, I truly would've followed him anywhere.

You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye. Say something I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Yes, I'm sorry, I am so sorry, that I couldn't get to you.

As the sound came to an end, it's tune fading from a storm to a mere gush of wind, my tears did the opposite.

I opened my eyes.
He was here. Travis was here.
I don't know where Brandon had gone, but I did not care, because Travis was here.

Only his eyes were green. He had lost a little weight. He smelt different.

I still did not care, at least Travis was here.

"You're here" I whispered.

Was it that my tears were blinding me? Or did Travis look a lot like Brandon?

No, it was Brandon.
Travis had never been here, he never will be here.

He was gone, and I need to realize that. Gone!

I stood up abruptly, as if someone had lit a fire beneath me.
I retreated, this was wrong.
I could not use Brandon.

"Hey, Ron, what's wrong?" Brandon asked

"Leave me. Just break up with me. I don't deserve you!" I exclaimed, angry at myself.

He did not even say anything, he was confused.

"I thought you were him. I thought you were Travis" I said, my voice inaudible to my own ears.
"You should leave" I added

I expected him to take a step away, but the only step he took was towards me.
I expected him to throw his arms in the air and exclaim "Does your melodramatic saga ever end?"
Instead, they engulfed me.

I gave in, again.

"I'm so sorry, Brandon. I truly like you. Please don't doubt that" I said.

But then why had I thought of Travis?

"You know, I read somewhere, that moving on doesn't mean that you forget the dead. It's okay" he said

"Promise me you'll call me out on my mistakes. Promise me you'll always be honest about your feelings with me. Promise me, if it's not too much, that you'll never leave me" I said, knowing that I was asking too much of him.

"Veronica Stanley, even if we ever, God forbid, break up. I will never leave you. I will always be here. I will always be your confidant, and give you the honor of being mine. I promise" he assured me.

That did not ease the anger inside me, but it tried.

I tried visiting the cemetery, but I couldn't do it.

I'm going to try again, very soon.

I'm not trying to get rid of Travis or his memory, I only want to stop feeling like he is everywhere.

I only want to start believing that he's dead.

I only want to live.