Book name: Past Resonance
Fandom: Diabolik Lovers
Genre: Vampire
Author: sadpoetier
POV: First person view
Content: 9 chapters
Status: Ongoing
Remarks: "I think it needs to be reviewed because I honestly believe in improving myself. To make my stories more interesting to my readers in a way of being relatable and captivating at the same time."

- Poet

A) Cover -B- (7.8)
...1) Image [ C+ ]
...2) Font [ D ]
...3) Color scheme [ B+ ]
...4) Resolution [ A- ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ C+ ]
...6) Impact [ B+ ]
...7) Meaning [ B ]

B) Description - B- (7.7)
...1) Style [ B ]
...2) Relevance [ C+ ]
...3) Mysticism [ C+ ]
...4) Neatness [ B+ ]

C) Storyline - C+ (7.1)
...1) Chapter length [ C+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ C+ ]
...3) Spotlights [ B ]
...4) Composition/Style [ D ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ B+ ]
...6) Originality [ E ]
...7) Efficiency [ C+ ]

D) Characters - B (8.1)
...1) Accuracy [ B+ ]
...2) Description [ B ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ B ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - B (8.3)
...1) Accuracy [ A+ ]
...2) Density/Weight [ B+ ]
...3) Language [ B+ ]
...4) Richness [ C+ ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ B+ ]
...6) Delivery [ B+ ]
...7) Neatness [ C+ ]

F) Setting - D (6.4)
...1) Direction [ D ]
...2) Number of locations [ D ]
...3) Vividness [ C- ]
...4) Scenario [ C- ]
...5) Names [ D ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - C- (6.9)
...1) Errors [ B+ ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ C+ ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ D ]
...4) Mood [ D ]
...5) Book title [ C+ ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ D ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :
Book rating: 7.5/10.0 (B-)
Potential: 80%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover
The current cover works, it fits the theme you promised and all. It does convey the mystery you want, but the font is too spread apart on the cover and I think a better font would be better. You don't have to place the brothers on the cover especially that the  POV is mostly in Nao's and Yui's. But I think it's only appropriate that you change your cover as soon as you start changing your plot. Sort of what I did with Terror In Resonance. Even if I kept the same title, I changed the cover.

If you're going to make a new cover, you could keep it to just Nao :))

B) Description
Though the description is pretty vague: "confidence is the most beautiful accessory a woman can wear." it's good and feels promising to me. You're telling your readers that your OC will be a confident girl, reasons why we don't know yet. We venture to the summary and we're introduced to Nao, someone who's supposed to become a neurosurgeon. 

There's nothing wrong with aesthetics, I use them myself. But we're shown Yui and Nao, the saint and the cursed. Supposedly they promise that we have a deeper story ahead because of their titles. Pretty good, but not exactly new.

We've seen a lot of fanfics doing the same thing, but I did hope that your story will be more than what those fanfics have redone again and again. I'll be delving more into this on the next one UuU

C) Storyline
I've read a lot of fanfics, and they're pretty the same. OC goes to the mansion, though here it's through the school, they end up in the mansion with the boys, she meets Yui, finds out she's a bride, and the timeline is pretty much the same with the anime. Unfortunately, that's also what happened in Past Resonance as well. Scenes like the scenario in the bedroom, pool incident with Ayato, meeting with Reiji in his office and drinking that potion thing, and the mannequin room with Kanato. I believe you could make a better story without using these scenes.

Though it brings nostalgia to the anime, it only looks like an OC replacing what Yui went through in the anime. Of course, not all the scenes are completely the same since Nao handled them differently. She's stronger and more defiant, braver. But even then, that's not new either.

I liked though how you began with her in the school, Ayato was there as a tour guide but the boy was OOC (will venture into that further later). 

The first chapter has to have your hook. You began with describing Ryoutei and then sandwich her backstory there as well. The way you approach it needs work, especially that you're writing in first POV. First POV is tricky for me because I will have to write it according to the attitude and mind of my OC, in your case, Nao and even Yui. But I don't exactly feel her attitude aside from her shift between defensive and emotional, which is also good. But I need to feel her more, if you get what I mean.

We need more show, more feel. How did Nao feel being sent to night school? Instead of beginning with: "The nighttime for Ryoutei Academy made the building seem like a lighthouse in a sea of pitch-black darkness. The lights blaring from within the archaically built school. My mother has been a surgeon just as my father. So, they expect the same of me. Not Aya, who may choose her own path because I am the eldest of the three."

It could've been: "It's a curse being the eldest. Parents. . they expect me to follow their path, to follow their definition of success. Meanwhile, Aya is free to become whatever she wants to be. I hate this, but what choice do I have? But what the hell, if they want me to become a surgeon like them why am I being moved to a night school?"

So in this excerpt, I wrote out, we realize Nao's take on the transfer to Ryoutei, which explained her predicament as well as explained what kind of parents she has. It also points out that she noticed that it's ridiculous that she moved to night school. Remember, we need to know WHO the character is, the descriptions come later :3

The nine chapters feel sort of rushed for me to be honest. A lot of stuff if happening, but I only remember bits and pieces. You need to allow the readers to wallow and linger to absorb all the information you're laying out for us to find. To be honest I'm confused because in your description you talked about confidence, but why confidence? Nao doesn't come off insecure, she doesn't even complain about her life. Though we do see that she lacked the parental love she needed, but the devastation is mostly in tell, not show, the readers will fail to sympathize as much as you'd want them to.

Remember in The Mourning Samurai? Introducing Yoshie as this strong woman who seems unstoppable, but later bit by bit I reveal her past, her insecurities, and even weaknesses. Through the stories, readers got to empathize with her because there's show through her actions, habits, and flashbacks and tells through the conversations.

In that same way, you could do for Nao and even Yui. As you've introduced in the summary they BOTH look like pivotal characters.

There was one thing though that really bothered me, HAHAHAH xD Nao finding out about the vampirism thing right off the bat was weird xD Please avoid that, real people won't believe in that stuff. Don't be scared to make the chapters longer ;) Explore, let the readers linger.

I also don't get why it's Past Resonance. Though there's been snippets of Cordelia (I'm assuming) but is it related to something reincarnation? What's the mission? Problem? Conflict? Don't be scared to venture more into those, it will help your readers be more intrigued because it'll be new and they'll know it's not going the same flow as the other books they've read. 

D) Characters
I like that you're delving into confidence, but like I said before what is Nao insecure about? She cries and gets emotional that her parents gave her away but we fail to sympathize with her and Yui. Nao does talk about being scared, but we need introspection to make the work better. Something like, "Why did my parents send me here? Do they not love me anymore? I could feel my eyes tear up, but I quickly wipe them away. This was not the time to cry yet my cheeks felt so wet wiping did nothing. All I've ever done was do their bidding. I only wanted them to look at me."

So we understand that Nao is devastated with her scenario, we feel her pain. We see her more than just the girl who acts tough in front of the boy, we see a daughter saddened at the abandonment of her parents. Show us more of who she is, rather than push the story forward through events and scenarios. Her scene with Kanato and Subaru felt a little OOC of Nao though. With Kanato she was pretty friendly (even if she was pretending to), but how did Nao know how to act around Kanato? This was their first solo scenario together, so it feels iffy. The same for Subaru, here she smiles at him. It would be better if she was more surprised and sort of says, "Why did you help me?"

Ayato was sort of OOC in the first scene with him. I don't think he'd suck someone's blood at the school entrance. It should be: 1) he dragged her off, knowing who she is of course, because if she wasn't the bride he wouldn't care then. 2) They need to be alone in a room, not alone in a public place.

You handled the rest though pretty well and that's good! :)

E) Dialogue
Good job on the dialogues! They portrayed who the characters are, and they were spot on their personalities. You could make some of the sentences longer though for more drama and meaningful conversations. Add reactions more, let Nao/Yui describe more of their thoughts and reactions to the conversations. Things will be more interesting to the readers :)

Remember, don't limit yourself to describing initial things. Make it deeper, more personal ;)

(also, separate the paragraphs for the speakers, it'll be less confusing for the readers)

F) Setting
Like many others before you HAHHAHAHA this one needs a lot of work. Though you do describe stuff, but they aren't really vivid or personal to the OC. They're pretty short as well, and can be quite forgettable. I have to read more than once to get where they are and guess what the space looks like. I know it's difficult, especially in first POV. But this is where your talent will shine. Using first POV, you could describe the surroundings uniquely according to Nao's personality and even values; her perspective of the world, the universe she is in can be shown through the chapters.

Again, don't be scared to explore or make the chapter long. The setting also needs to create the mysterious atmosphere and keep up with the mature themes. It's not as strong as you probably want it to be

G) Technicals
Though there weren't any typos that stood out to me, or punctuation either. The grammar part though is that you mix past tenses and present tenses a lot, so they seem confusing sometimes.

One of the things you need to work on here is the encapsulation of your title. Your title Past Resonance is pretty vague, though I was hoping to see the linkage between that, the description/summary, and the currently written chapters. But so far, I don't see any despite the many events that have passed already. You don't have to worry so much about that though because there are only nine chapters.

The story lacked a strong mood, it's probably because of your current technique and style in writing it. It's mostly dialogue, and I couldn't get it when I can't linger and properly indulge in the story. If you're confused about setting the mood, take how I wrote Terror In Resonance. I don't always start with setting and I try to make sure you guys linger along with the paragraphs I've written. Though you've warned readers that there would be sexual themes (seen that), gory scenes (haven't really saw yet, that period scene though I didn't see the importance, I initially thought there would be some consequence or important happening but there wasn't any), extreme violence (not much yet either), and profanity (def seen that), but how it's set in the story needs work.

There's a sense of thrill, so you could emphasize more on that.

Also, if you want more people to read your stuff, add more tags! It really helps, and you could add genres to it so people will know :))

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:
When you came to me, I really felt nervous because I knew you were one of my readers in my books (which I super appreciate by the way). You wanted to improve, and I hope this whole review will be of help to you. Actually I realized that you were short three chapters for the review HAHHAHA summary and epigraphs aren't included, but even then they were short of the required number. Oh well, you did ask for a review back 2018 and asked again last month. 

The book has potential, I see all the works I've seen do. You have to stray though from what the other fanfics have done which is replace Yui's role as the sole bride. Either doubling the brides or replacing her entirely. People have seen it before, and might continue to see. But this is a chance to make a new fanfic entirely set in the DL universe. It's difficult, but we all need that extra mile and new story ideas.

Like what I told the previous writer (she also wrote DL), I don't exactly know what the readers want nowadays because I don't read much DL fanfics like I used to before. But we could only hope for the best as we flesh out something from our brains UuU

- R