Book name: CLOUDY
Fandom: Katekyo Hitman Reborn x Assassination Classroom AU
Genre: Crossover, Mafia, Reincarnation
Author: Sloth02
POV: Third person view
Content: 50 chapters
Status: Completed
Remarks: "Since this fanfiction is my first work, it holds a special place in my heart. It's the one I first put into words and decided to publish, so even if it people end up thinking it's shitty or whatever, it remains my baby, and while I'll take their opinion into consideration, it won't stop me from loving it. I think it needs to be reviewed because it's the first one, and I mostly really like your way of doing things."

- Sloth

A) Cover - A+ (9.6)
...1) Image [ A+ ]
...2) Font [ A+ ]
...3) Color scheme [ A+ ]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ A+ ]
...6) Impact [ A- ]
...7) Meaning [ A- ]

B) Description - A- (9.4)
...1) Style [ A+ ]
...2) Relevance [ A+ ]
...3) Mysticism [ A- ]
...4) Neatness [ A+ ]

C) Storyline - B+ (8.5)
...1) Chapter length [ A+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ B ]
...3) Spotlights [ B ]
...4) Composition/Style [ B+ ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ A- ]
...6) Originality [ C+ ]
...7) Efficiency [ C+ ]

D) Characters - B (8)
...1) Accuracy [ B+ ]
...2) Description [ C+ ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ B+ ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - B+ (8.6)
...1) Accuracy [ A+ ]
...2) Density/Weight [ A- ]
...3) Language [ B+ ]
...4) Richness [ C+ ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ B- ]
...6) Delivery [ A+ ]
...7) Neatness [ C+ ]

F) Setting - B (8.2)
...1) Direction [ B ]
...2) Number of locations [ A+ ]
...3) Vividness [ B ]
...4) Scenario [ C- ]
...5) Names [ B+ ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - B (8.4)
...1) Errors [ D ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ C+ ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ B- ]
...4) Mood [ B- ]
...5) Book title [ C+ ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ B+ ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :
Book rating: 8.7/10.0 (B+)
Potential: 70%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover
The design of the cover is really cute, and even if it's really minimalist it shows that the main character is no one other than Korosensei. Though he is not seen as his yellow octopus self, the message is enough. There's no need to change or edit the cover. :))

B) Description
Despite the fact that the description is super brief, it gives the reader something to look forward to: taking over the Vongola Famiglia. We understand that Korosensei is dead, as simple as that. But somehow you showed us a really brief conversation between him and Lussuria about how interesting to take over the Famiglia.

I gotta point out though, the story didn't happen that way 030

C) Storyline
I really liked how the first few chapters went. It was action-packed and interesting, seeing how Yucca just died and revived with Korosensei inside of him. Though I have to point out that kicking the female assassin into her partner shouldn't have been enough to knock them out cold. 

How Koro established himself in the Varia mansion was really cool, and I enjoyed reading how their initial treatment to Koro was. The emphasis on Squalo's "mini trash" and "small trash" was really cute too, especially how they could vary. On my second reading, the characters felt more real to me. I guess this is the effect after I went through my research on the anime. I checked who the characters were, their personalities, etc. 

You did well writing, so kudos to you for that. But I think you could do more, and I'll be pointing out stuff that needs rework.

But to be honest, I was confused throughout the story. What exactly is the conflict? What does Korosensei want exactly? What was the point of the story? Those questions I kept thinking while I read from beginning to end. Sure, he helps the Varia and sometimes indulges himself, but the fic could've been about him finding out why he was in Yucca's body, and even finding out why Yucca died in the first place in the first chapter. Then there'd be the mystery as to why Yucca still inhabits his body despite dying in the first chapter.

Most of the story had a good scene of mystery to them, at least to me, but they often look like backstage stories if you know what I mean. But the arcs should've been the background conflict while the main conflict, though subtle, should've been delved into. Not gonna lie. I read the book twice so I could properly analyze the whole book, and I confirmed that I couldn't sense the climax and the ending was a little. . it didn't feel right. Because the Vindice came, basically beat the crap out of everyone, but I didn't see the point of the whole arc. So when the book ended, I was just confused, HAHAHHAHA xD

I'll be pointing out one by one on the things that need work on so that it'll be easier for you to refer to in the future usu

...1) There was little to no sense of urgency going on at all. Despite Koro and the Varia going on brief adventures together, I didn't feel the danger nor the timebound dilemmas in any of them whatsoever. This is because the story has too much tell than show. Not to mention the stakes are either not established properly or not established at all. The first two arcs were okay, we know what the mission was and I was excited while reading it.

But the following ones didn't hit me. Koro didn't seem to have a real personal goal, aside from wanting to go to Kunugigaoka Junior High School, but why? He died in the hands of his students but somehow in the ending he meets Nagisa but in Yucca's body.

Since he didn't have any urgent goal, Koro just road with everything happening. Though he did say he's doing things in the Varia to protect people he cared about, but it doesn't get the readers to empathize. Yes, he did spend a year with them before Xanxus joined them, but I didn't get to experience what got him bonding with the rest. 

So it kinda feels weird to see him just suddenly care so much about the people in the Varia. We don't feel the intimacy, at least I didn't. Unfortunately, it kinda feels superficial and you wouldn't want that. I think it would be best if there were situations where Korosensei would have spotlight buddy-buddy time with them and then put those peeps in danger :0

Again, you gotta establish first what Koro's real goals are, now that he's in some person's body, set what the conflict of the story is gonna be, then finally what the stakes are (i.e. you have to save someone or else they'll die, or you gotta stop this villain or he's gonna destroy the world). Make the goals and make the conflict about what goes against those goals.

...2) The scenario pacing is too fast. Your fic went like this to me: introduction/exposition --> arc 1 introduced then ends, arc 2 introduced then ends, arc 3 introduced then ends, etc, etc --> Korosensei meets Nagisa again. You followed the arcs, but I couldn't see what the conflict was and what the solution was. They simply happened. I couldn't see what their relevance was to Koro's story nor how they actually build up the characters. There wasn't much for me to cling on to. Characters like Tsuna grew, but it was more on tell so I wasn't too convinced either UnU

Now, the pacing is really important. Pacing allows the readers to take bites of the story and understanding all the information you give them. It's like making sure the paragraph isn't too long so the reader is allowed to swallow what they just read. At the same time, you as a writer, are meant to keep the readers on their toes. 

The problem with the pacing is that the readers are forced to swallow everything that's happening. The characters were introduced, but they lack substance; they're too flat to sympathize with. They're interesting, but me, someone who didn't watch Katekyo Hitman, won't be able to feel the nostalgia for these characters.

For this part, you need to make scenarios with the characters properly to establish what is going on instead of events happening in sudden meetings then there is no follow up. Example, the Varia are gonna fight Tsunayoshi and his friends. To set the urgency, you should've pointed out the motivations for this. Okay, they're getting the rings. But why? Why is it important that they get those rings? You let this happen within a span of several chapters so that the characters can build up from this, and also allow the readers to understand how different this is compared to the manga, especially for Korosensei.

What's important though is that the events need to have a proper build-up which I'll be talking about next. 

...3) Events are not properly explained or linked to one another. Aside from the pacing, the transition of events seemed lost to me. The conflicts weren't established and they only looked like scenarios happening. They didn't feel like build-ups either, because they're established as different events with little links to each other. In the early parts of the book they had time lapses, but I would've rather experienced a lot of what went in those time-lapses. But the part where Koro betrays Timoteo was okay-okay, but I wish I was convinced more on why he betrayed the old man.

Time lapses are okay, the events happening were okay. But as I had described earlier, they didn't feel like actual buildups. This is because we don't see much of the effect after those arcs, we don't feel many emotions and drama going on during those arcs. Yes, they're filled with action but that's not much to go on. In K Project, it was action-packed, but at the same time we feel so much anger going on with the Red Clan and then Yashiro is just super confused as to what's going on. It was effective in setting its mood and assisting in the build-up of the story.

Also, Uni disappeared somewhere in the Future Arc, and Byakuran was trying to get her back. But the thing is, I don't remember her disappearing? Unless I missed it.

Going back, the build-up works like this: you mentioned that the Arcobelano hate Yucca, but you didn't properly establish why. To start off: we could go back to the original Yucca. He did them wrong and should have a past history with them. Then later maybe the Arcobelano would want to get rid of him because his future self is a threat to them rather than making it solely focused on how Byakuran is the sole enemy. Maybe Yucca had a play on Byakuran's future state? That would be more effective and thrilling even.

...4) Too many characters, too little empathy. In this part, you've introduced a lot of characters throughout the book but their relevance to the story is little to none. An example would be the Simon Famiglia who popped out of nowhere. They came, wrecked the party, then vanished. I don't remember if they were even mentioned afterward, so why introduce them in the first place? The characters are just too flat, because they don't seem to have real motivations and Korosensei doesn't get us convinced that he values any of the members of Varia either. But it also goes the same for them. Why do they trust him? Why did they let him in? Just for his skills? I don't think that qualifies enough, and at the same time he didn't seem to really have earned his place in the Varia. He just stays with them and they allow him too.

I was bothered on the part they confronted him on his loyalty, seeing that he switched orgs in the future. What happened here is that they should've kicked him out because of the possibility of his betrayal and Koro should've done something to earn back their trust. OR he should've done something to earn his place in the Varia after the exposition in the story so they won't doubt him too much. Basically, the dude needs to put extra effort.

But this happening should play a role in the story--why should this happen? Will it help the story progress and not just be some event that happened?

Recapping what you need to do: 1) establish who your characters are, 2) follow up on them. Don't just make them appear in one chapter because we won't be able to attach ourselves to them properly. 3) develop important characters so that the important characters get to stand out from the supporting characters.

Within 44+ chapters, Korosensei stayed the same all throughout. He barely had a change of views except towards Byakuran which I don't understand why: whether importance or purpose. I didn't get why Korosensei had to push him away. Was it because of the memories? This part needs more emphasis.

A story is written to get us empathizing with characters we may or may have not initially liked. We're supposed to suspend our disbelief for stories we know aren't possible and just believe in whatever is happening in the story. Though we get brief scenarios of Varia members alone with Korosensei, but there's barely any buildup in their relationship. Also on the part the Arcobelano hating Koro/Yucca--why? I don't understand why.

D) Characters
Most of the characters are okay here, not OOC or anything. But you need to fix up Byakuran though because his attitude doesn't seem to be accurate. He can care about Yucca, he could be the loving brother you want him to be. But him being clingy doesn't suit his character, nor does it serve any purpose in the story. I think it'll have to tone down. To make his relationship better with Koro, there has to be a justifiable reason why they're close or why there should be tension. Right now, Byakuran seems to only exist to be a clingy character to Koro, serving as a means for Koro to easily jump between his current commitment to Varia and to his brother. They have no backstory the readers can witness to really link Yucca/Koro to Byakuran.

And also, Korosensei needs to be smarter as well. He and Yucca I think, need to be distinguished better from each other because I can't really tell who is who unless the one speaking says Koro or Yucca? Without it, I am lost. Yucca seems to have a similar level of child-ishness like Byakuran at times, but he's super serious on some occasions as well. It honestly throws me off because I can't get a clear picture as to who Yucca is. You could've given this dude a backstory as well so we could find out WHO he is exactly. Doing this, I promise you, would make your fic a lot more interesting uwu

Question: is it intentional that Yucca and Byakuran seem to have a weird too-close-brother bond? Just wondering HAHAHHAHAHA (I'm noting that scene that Yucca sniffed into Byakuran's hair and that they cuddle a little too much. Men don't do that unless they have something. .)

I did mention that you introduce too many characters that the readers only cling onto them because of nostalgia rather than on your establishing them. There was this scene of a blond girl passing by Korosensei in Japan. I have no idea who she is, and I don't think she was even introduced later on. You need to avoid introducing characters who don't have any relevance to the story. There was that blond lady looking for Ryohei after he got beat to shit, but she didn't appear or do anything afterwards ://

There's also that waiter:

What's the point of giving him a spotlight?

Note: 

Character names that need corrections: Ryohei/Ryouhei not Ryohey, Deisy not Daisy, Jaeger not Jager, Uni not Yuni.

E) Dialogue
I enjoyed reading their dialogues! Reading their little banters here and there. You did nail distinguishing the members of the Varia; kudos on that! You could add introspection in between the dialogues, which is telling the readers what the characters think and feel. It adds more depth to the characters because the readers will get to understand them better.

Some dialogues though were a little too brief. An example would be Tsunayoshi talking to Koro in Chapter 43 about Koro keeping an eye on certain members. To me, it was weird. Yes, it was on point, but it lacked substance to make the scenario more interesting. Koro didn't ask why Tsuna wanted this or more personal stuff, y'know?

F) Setting
Haha, you did admit that you needed work on this one. To point some stuff out, you did too much tell instead of show. Now being a writer, you need to captivate the readers with the feelings and experiences of the protagonist. How? Instead of just saying "bloodbath" you describe the scene. Who's lying down, who's bloody, how did it all look like and how did Koro/Yucca feel being weak and helpless?

There were also too many "jump-right-in" scenes. Like Koro waking up late and then in a second the next scene is him finding his teammates in a sick state. There has to be more to make the settings in the scenario work, instead of just appearing and stepping out of the battle. It's weird for me and it doesn't add the urgency or the emotion to captivate your readers enough.

You did a generally good job though. Down below was my fave in the book.

I love what you did here though. How it was described with some introspection.

But there were scenarios that were too vague? The one above is an example. Being poetic isn't bad, I do it myself. But the part of the poll and ring at the beginning got me thinking: ??? like that.

I don't know if you meant pole. . 

Even here felt weird? Because there was no clear explanation as to how he got beaten. He looked into the bespectacled person's eyes--then what? He just slumped into the ground, but him being the main character where we see most of the book going on in his eyes, it doesn't work well. We need to know how he feels, what he witnessed. If it was his teammates, sure they could look at the enemy's eyes and just slump. But because this happened with Koro, we need more introspection.

As a side note: you should describe the characters' appearance better. I know the readers know how they look like, but describing them allows them to recognize that you OWN the story in a way.

G) Technicals
This part needs the most work. Like you said, there were too many commas, unnecessary ones, but there were parts where it needed commas but didn't have any. When emphasizing pauses on sentences, you don't need to put a comma before the emphasized word.

I.e. She felt mighty embarrassed, on herself.

There's no need for commas on scenarios like this. But what needs commas are on parts where names are mentioned:

I.e. Yucca, please don't die on me, buddy!

You also have a lot of words spelled wrong 030

Also note that after every punctuation (period, question mark, exclamation point), except on special cases, the words need to be capitalized. "--would have killed you." He took a drag (why is it drag). I think drag should be: he inhaled into his cigarette.

What's with the "I'll have killed you it won't matter."? Also the you're not worthy of knowing Yucca, but isn't he talking to him face to face?

Then it's feel not fell xD

Make numbers into words, especially they're counting people. Unless it's time, turn words into numbers. Also dates (only like this though: May 5, 1999). Then for the part I encircled, better if it was:

Ring!

Ring!

Click. 

It's spar, not spare. If it was the past tense, it would be sparred.

Because Lussuria is talking to Yucca, if you wanted to make it past tense, it should've been: "You found what you needed." But if it was a need, "You should find." 

Also he's talking to Yucca, it's not 'wondered'.

Should be capitalized And, not and because there was a period previously. 'He' should be capitalized also.

So here's some examples where you added unnecessary commas. Then you extended a sentence unnecessarily uwu

By the way, you can't dye your hair white. You bleach it til it's almost white then you wash it with purple shampoo. The purple cancels out the yellow in your hair, thus turns it white. You especially cannot dye your black hair white. You can dye your white hair black, but not the opposite. 

Byakuran was described as a boy here, but he's also described as a man which was confusing.

Then scratch the encircled one, I think I was sleepy when I pointed it out, HAHAHHAA. Just note the capitalization of some words.

I was confused here. Then I realized it was a comma error. You need to remove it uwu

Again, spar not spare. Those are two different things.

That part was weirded wrong uwu

There was also a line in Chapter 32, "He closed his eyes" with no period in the end. Chapter 39, apology not apologie.

Gist, not jist.

Hmmm, I think that's some of what I noticed so far, but just note if you catch some. If you're not sure of spellings you could always just refer to the dictionary uwu

Also, I wanted to ask why the title was Cloudy? I get that Yucca/Koro was a Cloud Guardian, but I think you might need to think of a more suitable title for your book. That's just my opinion though, because the title just doesn't seem to ring with the story. The meaning just doesn't sit right. If it was for the mystery, because you know cloudy could either mean: gloomy or unsure. But the story you finished wasn't gloomy and the mysterious sensation wasn't done properly. To make this happen, you need to make sure your readers are unsure of what is happening. Accumulate the questions, answer them but add more questions. I do this for all my fics, especially the ones I've labeled as mystery. 

You also need to work on the story mood, in a way. It starts off mysterious, but I don't feel the rising tension as the chapters progress. It just stays stagnant instead of growing. This is linked to the plot, so to achieve this you need to work on your plot to make the tensions rise properly and effectively. And of course, the mood is also carried by how you describe and word your paragraphs :)) You did well, for the most part though in your writing style.

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:
Sorry that I took forever doing this (like hell, two years ago?? shit), I also did say I'm posting the review last week, but I couldn't. So sorry about that. I had to read the book a second time because I was mostly confused at first, especially that I didn't watch the anime or read the manga. I tried watching, but the Future Arc was all the way in Episode 70-something, so I gave up. 

The book was written well, and I'm not sugarcoating anything or something. But I do feel it has more potential, plotwise especially. What I do notice in some fanfics is that the writers try so much to keep their story canon. Now there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to make your story more original by making up your own original plot instead of inserting Korosensei with some scenes teasing characters from Assassination Classroom but has no relevance to the story than add nostalgia.

You could explore more while doing this. I have to admit that I expected more of this crossover because I don't read a lot of crossover fics (or just fics in general) because I mostly write and well, I'm in uni now with some part-time job work, so there's not much time for me to explore what to read. For your fic, you need to own it. Like, you gotta treat it like the story is yours. Yes, I did mention it already earlier, but don't be scared on making a non-canon story or at least let it start canon and then let it drift from there. People will be more excited because they wouldn't know what to expect from your story :))

It's pretty good for a first book, and I'm glad you came to me to review it. I don't think the book was shitty at all, as you've told me. It's just not drawn out to it's 100%. That's what I believe. First books will always have our love, it's the bar that shows how much we've grown and I'm sure you're well aware you've grown since you first started and finished Cloudy uwu

- R