Book name: A Knight Filled with Thorns
Fandom: Diabolik Lovers x Seraph of the End x Vampire Knight
Genre: not labeled
Author: Princesshimechan
POV: 3rd POV
Content: 19 chapters
Status: ongoing
Remarks: "I really like writing my fanfiction but I feel like since no one seems interested in reading it that I might not be making the story interesting or eyecatching and I want to know what I can improve on to attract and keep readers engaged." 

- Princess

A) Cover - A- (9)
...1) Image [ A- ]
...2) Font [ A- ]
...3) Color scheme [ B ]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ A+ ]
...6) Impact [ B ]
...7) Meaning [ A+ ]

B) Description - C- (6.7)
...1) Style [ C+ ]
...2) Relevance [ B+ ]
...3) Mysticism [ E ]
...4) Neatness [ D ]

C) Storyline - D (6.1)
...1) Chapter length [ B+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ C+ ]
...3) Spotlights [ B+ ]
...4) Composition/Style [ E ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ B+ ]
...6) Originality [ C+ ]
...7) Efficiency [ D ]

D) Characters - D (6)
...1) Accuracy [ B+ ]
...2) Description [ F ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ A- ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - B (8.2)
...1) Accuracy [ A- ]
...2) Density/Weight [ B+ ]
...3) Language [ B ]
...4) Richness [ C+ ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ C+ ]
...6) Delivery [ B+ ]
...7) Neatness [ B+ ]

F) Setting - F (4.2)
...1) Direction [ F ]
...2) Number of locations [ B+ ]
...3) Vividness [ F+ ]
...4) Scenario [ F ]
...5) Names [ B+ ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - F (4.3)
...1) Errors [ B ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ D ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ E ]
...4) Mood [ F ]
...5) Book title [ F ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ F ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :
Book rating: 6.4/10.0 (D)
Potential: 80%

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A) Cover
The book cover is actually pretty good, I like the ethereal feel it gives off. It promises a story that would also give that same feeling: mysterious and ethereal--but I'll talk about that later. You placed three characters, two of which was pretty revolved around the story. Mika, however, didn't really show up in the story. He had scenes, but he was barely there. Your cover, without you being aware of it, already tells the readers that they are the main characters of the plot. But after I read it, it wasn't the case. A lot of names were being tossed around like they're the main character. It might be better if only Yui and Yuki are shown on the cover.

I didn't make another cover since I am not apt to copy the style of the cover xD Not to mention that another writer made it right?

B) Description
The story description lacks the mysticism and two plots are thrown in. One way to fix it is to just remove the part about Yui, make her more ambiguous. So the description will be left with just Yuki and a mention of Yui. 

Another way would be to revamp the description entirely. I think the best way to write it would be something like this: 

A story of two girls struggling to survive a war against vampires. 

One is hidden away by her father while the other fights alongside the rest of humanity.

Both girls are humanity's last hope. But how will fate lead them to their destiny? Will humanity fall?

Another example could be like this:

For years, vampires have overthrown humanity and turned them into their slaves. A story where all hope is lost, but not for long. Yui Komori, a girl whose blood is lusted over by the vampires, is protected by her father all her life. She is fated to meet Yuki Hiragi, a girl with barely any memories, who fight alongside humanity. Together, they will journey to find the truth and finish the war against vampires.

Will they succeed? Or fail?

Remember that the job of the description is to tease what the story promises its readers. But you also have to carefully connect the two. Don't make the description look like two stories just intermingling with each other for the sake of connection. You have to promise only one story, the broad picture of the many stories inside your book :3

C) Storyline
Your story has promise (like potential): that's a fact. However, the way it's treated it very messy. While reading, I wondered: who is the knight filled with thorns?

Even if the title may have been metaphorical, but I didn't see the connection between that and the story itself. Is it Yuki? Is it Zero? Is it Kaname? Is it Mika? I was wondering that. Nineteen chapters went by, and the story title still didn't hit me. Maybe it could've been plural instead of the singular: The Knights Filled With Thorns. Then I could assume that it might apply to all the major characters who feel bitter towards vampires.

A lot of things were happening, but they were snippets coming from the animes. Although to be honest, I didn't finish Vampire Knight (I got annoyed xD) so I won't be able to link the anime with the book. But I watched both Diabolik Lovers and Owari no Seraph. There wasn't anything wrong with the switching places of Yuki and Yui, but it's weird that only Ayato believed that Yuki was the Yuki he knew back in childhood. Everyone should've believed, and that would've been the strange part for Yuki: she's a warrior bound to hunt vampires, yet they treated her warmly like a princess. There are too many fanfics where, instead of Yui, it's the OC in the mansion being lusted over by the six vampires. So it'll be a surprise when they treat her nicely instead.

By the way, how many chapters are you planning for the book? Because after nineteen chapters, I was wondering how Yuki is linked to saving humanity. Except I'm already aware that she's supposed to be a vampire since her parents are Haruka and Juri. Also for Yui, who still might have Cordelia's heart //confused emoji

Don't be discouraged, the story is very promising. I like the idea of mixing them all together, but you need to emphasize the vibe and add more original scenarios made by you. Instead of revamping the series to your story, revamp them until they're original. From my standpoint, the book just consists of scenes.

D) Characters
This one needs so much work xD I get that this is a fanfic, and we're supposed to know the characters but what if I'm in the crowd who's unfamiliar with one or two of the anime? Who's Kaien? Who's Kaname? Who's Shizuku? You need to establish who the characters are, how they look like and give them room to grow as a character. Right now, they're just anime characters smacked into your book.

Here's how you could improve:

Treat the characters like they're yours. Keep them consistent of course but you have to give them room to showcase their existence. Show us what they look like, show us their small mannerisms, show us who they are really. You tell us a bit of background on them; it's a book, not an anime you're making after all. Are they important to the story? If they are, give them more highlights. Like I said earlier, they need space to grow. Character highlights (scenarios) will do that. Let the other characters properly interact with Yui and Yuki.

On a more positive note: the characters (at least the ones I'm familiar with) are pretty much in character :))

E) Dialogue
You did a good job with the dialogues, so kudos :3 It won't hurt though to make the dialogues more meaningful and long. The dialogues were direct to the point, but dialogues also help the readers be aware of who the characters are; what they want and more stuff that are indirect to the plot you're making.

F) Setting
While I was reading the book, I felt lost. You mention some areas, but after that I just feel lost again. There's barely any info on the characters' surroundings whether they're in the desolate world that once belonged to humans or the fancy mansion the vampires lived in. People like reading books that are well written, so in the same way you have to live up to the standards of your readers or maybe even better. Down below is the first few paragraphs of your books.

This is the opening chapter, you have to write it in such a way that will attract the readers. It isn't engaging and too direct. 

A better way to start could be something like this:

"You can't catch me!" A little girl giggled gleefully. Behind her were three other boys her age, chasing her down like cops and robbers. They couldn't stop laughing, no matter how tired they already were. The joy in their eyes was bright like the sun above them, radiating throughout the garden. The pureness of the blue sky was innocent like they're hearts.

Behind them was the mansion belonging to the father of the boys. The Gothic architecture barely aged from the past centuries it endured. Its dark ambiance is beauty to the residents. But contrary to its mysterious atmosphere, a garden filled with life flourished. It held flowers of all sorts, had foundations to humidify the place.

Now the children were enjoying themselves while the adults tackled serious matters. As of this moment, the grown-ups were non-existent as the children grew reckless with their games. Yuki was running around the fountain, avoiding her playmates as much as she could while giggling. The sign of common sense, or perhaps intelligence, was the smirk of a particular redhead. He went the opposite direction while Yuki was busy with the other two. And before he knew it, Yuki was caught in his arms.

This way, it's more engaging  and colorful :))

G) Technicals

Here there's some minor details to note haha. I forgot to screenshot, but there were times the names were in lower case letters. Punctuations were okay, but again, could've had longer descriptive and emotional sentences.

Down below is the one I got to screenshot. Last chapter last section. It's site, not sight x3

Overall, your book lacked a mood. Is your book supposed to be mysterious? Dark? Is it supposed to be angsty for your readers to read? Is it a thriller? Suspense? You have to add all those flavors to your book. This one will carry with the way you give your information and also how you say that information. Don't be direct, you're not writing a screenplay, you're writing a book you want your readers to get engaged and invested in. There's not much emotion to cling on, because we don't know how the characters feel in more detail. Like okay, Yui is scared--you show not tell. That's another I noticed. You tell us how they feel, but you should work on the show. Showing allows empathy to come in, making the readers more invested in the story. What are the stakes? What happens if Yuki remembers? What happens if Yui is captured? 

The arrangement of the information you gave to the readers is very linear. For me, knowing how Owari no Seraph and Diabolik Lovers went, I could guess what's going to happen because that's how you established things. You're crossing over these three anime and you just made them aligned with each other with Owari no Seraph at the center. But is that all you have to share us? I think there's more that you can do to add, instead of simply aligning them all together. Try playing with nonlinear narration. This will keep the readers on their toes, rather than linear where we can expect what will happen next. Nonlinear, if you aren't aware, is the story rearranged or deconstructed in a way that reflects the central character's psychological state or the story's theme. In your case, you should play more with flashbacks. It's nineteen chapters, but we don't know yet why Yuki doesn't remember her memories or why Yui is important to the vampires. 

You also didn't tag what genre your book is. And if you want people to find your book more quickly, you need to tag the characters and anime as well. And again, the title. We're interested in finding out who that is. :)

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Concluding remarks:
Please don't be discouraged with the rating your book got, I believe there's so much you can do with the plot and how the story will go. I gave you a high rate for potential, meaning you could still change and revamp things. I'm a little harsher now with how I critique because I've matured a lot as a writer and storyteller. I'm not perfect, because there's still so much room for me to improve on.

Own your story. Don't just mash the three anime together. Create a wholly different universe where the three anime could work. Work on your originality. Work on your techniques. You could read through other books, watch anime, watch movies, read comics so you could study the narrative techniques they have. I think nowadays, readers want something more original. They expect more from your book and perhaps saw promises. Make up stakes, create a twist, hurl your readers into a story filled with secrets and lies.

To be honest, at this point, I don't reallyy know what the readers want from a DL fanfic, more so if it's mixed with two other anime. But well, all we could do is write the best we could and hope we catch some fish.

- R