IT IS STRANGE to sit on the other side of the thick glass partition this time. 

Because pretty much exactly three weeks ago I was in Kolin's place when Sydney told me about her date plans with him. It feels like ages ago because the time since I've been in Rikers Island has probably been the best time I've ever had. And it's not just because of Sydney, although she has played a huge part in that.

I'm also talking about Peter and Bronwyn, who I didn't even know a few months ago and who are now among my closest friends. 

I wish I could say that I feel good about seeing Kolin in prison. But alas, that is not the case. 

What is wrong with me? Where is my pride and victorious feeling? Why can't I grin at him and shove some nasty words down his throat to make his life even harder? 

Because I feel sorry for him. I know that just like Xander and Gavin, he deserves to sit there and look at me angrily, but still, that fact doesn't make me feel any happier. If anything, it just makes me feel safer than when he's on the loose. 

Kolin looks like shit, to put it nicely. His blond hair is far too long and hangs unwashed in his forehead, on which a fine film of sweat shines. The blue eyes are dull and pale. Any joy is wiped from his face, instead only sheer rage can be seen in them, directed solely at me.

He is wearing the typical orange prison clothes, which are far too big for his narrow shoulders and contrast with his sunken, flushed cheeks. I also notice that he has a laceration in his right cheek and I involuntarily wonder who he got it from. 

I swallow hard and recall from my mind the words Sydney and I went over on the car ride. It's not hard to know what I want to say to him, but it's not easy to say what he needs to hear either. Shaking my head, I sweep my thoughts away as they only confuse me unnecessarily. 

Kolin, meanwhile, slowly reaches for the receiver, which I do to him. "Dean Walker," he greets me with a neutral undertone. "To what exactly do I owe the honor?" 

"Oh, I don't know," I counter, feignedly clueless. "Maybe you remember trying to frame me for murder for some psychopathic reason." 

"I do remember that, actually." His voice is still neutral but still makes me shiver a little. "Go ahead. Start some rant or threaten me for my sake if you want. Believe me, I'm ready for anything." 

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Sydney hasn't even been here yet, after all, and trust me when I tell you that you're not ready for that conversation with her." The smile on my lips isn't even fake. 

Kolin still shows no emotion except maybe anger as he says, "What exactly do you want from me if you're not planning on telling me off?" 

"How about the truth for a change?" After all, all he's given me so far are words that lead nowhere, lousy actions, and, admittedly, pretty impressive threats.

He almost shakes his head in disappointment. "And I thought you were going to give me hell now. But of course the oh so great and always perfect Dean Walker would never do that, would he? You can't fool me, anyway. I know exactly what kind of person you are and what your intentions are." 

I frown in confusion, trying to gauge whether Kolin knows he's spouting nothing but bullshit. From the upturned corners of his mouth, I'm guessing he's unaware. "I have no idea if you're broken or just feel misunderstood by everyone." 

"Personally, I'm both broken and misunderstood. Not that it's any of your business."

"After all, if you're so bothered by my visit right now, I'd say you just answer my questions and we'll get this awful conversation over with so we don't have to repeat it." 

Grimly, Kolin runs a hand through his greasy hair, then rolls his eyes. "I forgot your question again." 

I don't think I've asked one yet, but I pretend to be upset by his forgetfulness and lean back in the rickety chair. "I asked for the truth. I want to know how your hatred for me could be so great that you were willing to break all sorts of laws, sic my parents on me, and form a wannabe gang with Gavin, Xander, and Hunter that has ultimately just been ridiculous." 

"I think you mean ridiculously brilliant," he replies with an almost proud smile. "Do you remember the very first time we met?" At my perplexed look, he shakes his head disdainfully.

"Of course, you don't remember. We were seven years old and both just starting school. For some reason, you were already terribly popular with everyone on the first day of school, unlike me. At break time I was sitting alone on the floor reading a book when you came over to me sipping your Capri Sun. I remember exactly how excited I was because I thought you would want to be friends with me. Do you at least know what happened next?" 

Clueless, I slide deeper into the chair. This conversation is quite embarrassing for me. 

"You splashed your fucking Capri Sun on my pants," Kolin hisses, angrily placing his hands on the arms of his chair. "And you laughed at me ─ everyone laughed at me." 

I actually don't remember a Capri Sun incident, but I promise myself not to forget this event from now on. Kolin seems to really still resent me because his face is so angry and red that I'm about to ask him if he needs something to drink.

At best a Capri Sun to make a joke out of it, which I don't think he will laugh at. 

"Our parents got along so well on the first day of school that they started hanging out immediately a few days after that," Kolin continues. "I didn't mention a word about what you did because I thought it was better that way. I thought maybe we could start all over again. Our dads love barbecues and were all excited to share their barbecue techniques. They let you and me take to the grill too, but the whole time we couldn't agree on who got to flip the meat. Eventually, you pushed me against the hot bars so you could have your turn." 

Taking a deep breath, I straighten up. "As sorry as I am about all this, Kolin, I was asking for the truth behind your hatred, not old childhood memories." 

He ignores my interjection. "It went on and on like that. At school you never teased me, rather ignored me, but as soon as there were any meetings between our parents, we would get into each other's hair. Funnily enough, it was always my fault, no matter what we were fighting about. You have no idea the trouble I used to get into at home." 

"Then explain it to me," I demand without a hint of hesitation.

"My father was convinced that I would only be obedient if he used the parenting methods of his own parents. He ended up being violent." 

That ... I didn't know that. But now that I think about it, I notice that Kolin often had bruises on his arms and legs, but I always ignored them.

"Kids fall all the time and get injuries," Kolin's dad would say when my mom would inspect Kolin, startled. 

A heavy lump formed in my stomach. 

"Yeah, that hurts, doesn't it?" asks Kolin softly. "The realization that there is more behind a person than malice is always overwhelming, believe me. Until high school, my father's parenting methods didn't get any better, but I eventually learned to fight back, if only with words. I could never bring friends home, so Sydney at the time we were together," he emphasizes their relationship extra loud and clear, "was never at my house." 

"How interesting," I give through clenched teeth. "The clock is ticking, Kolin, you shouldn't go all out and exercise that ridiculous attempt to make me jealous. It won't work on me." 

Kolin's knowing grin clearly says he knows exactly how jealous I am. "We still avoided each other in high school, only after school, we had to see each other for better or worse when we couldn't avoid family gatherings for once. You have no idea how much I started to hate you then. I wrote your name all over the paper and then crossed it out with a red pen. I drew your face and then pierced it with a kitchen knife. I despised you." 

"That's not creepy or anything now," I mutter. 

"I don't know if you realize what an asshole you've been, Walker. You didn't care about anything, as long as you got out of it fine. You light something on fire in chem class? No problem. Your parents' money will fix it. You play with some girl's feelings? It's okay, they'll come back to you anyway if you apologize well enough. You treat everything and everyone like dirt? Who cares, after all, you're rich, handsome, and popular." 

"So you calling me handsome is really ─" 

"Shut up," he hisses. "Don't you realize you're supposed to be thanking me?" 

I can't help but laugh out loud. I have to put the telephone down for a moment to calm myself down because I can't believe Kolin seriously expects me to say "thank you". Sighing, I put the receiver back to my ear and want to say something back, but then I remember that I am speechless. Kolin's words have left me speechless. 

"Do you really think Sydney would have ever fallen in love with you without me?" asks Kolin. 

Again I have to laugh softly. "Yeah?" 

"Think hard, Dean, even though I know that's always hard for you." His blue eyes almost stab me with glances. "You were a heartless asshole who had one one-night stand after another, partied all the time, and had the wrong friends. Do you really think Sydney would have fallen for that version of you?" 

Grimly, I grit my teeth. Of course, she wouldn't have fallen in love with me, but I don't even want to think about that option of my fate, to be honest. That option just doesn't exist. If Sydney hadn't come into my life, the world would have continued to be filled with nothing but constant parties, stranger girls, and useless money. My world would still be colorless and dull, cold and meaningless. 

With Sydney, everything became colorful. As if she had opened the door to my world with a brush in her hand and gradually painted everything, while I had already fallen for her when she hadn't even started with the colors. 

Kolin is wrong and right at the same time. I believe that Sydney and I would have crossed paths one way or the other, even though that might just be wishful thinking. Over time, I would have changed ─ only without all the mess that Xander, Gavin, and Kolin made. I just have to hold on to that, because otherwise I agree with Kolin and that's really the last thing I want. 

"You can thank me later sometime too," he interjects. "After all, I'll be here for a while and have plenty of time to wait." 

"I'm not coming back."

"It won't take you two weeks to get back here. You sayin' I'm broke? Look in the mirror, Walker. All your adventuring over the last few months hasn't left you unscathed, and I'm sure Sydney can see that too. It's only a matter of time before she leaves you if you ask me." 

Maybe it's true. Maybe I really do need more time before I can put it all behind me. But I know for a fact that I have the right friends, Sydney, and, worst-case scenario, my parents to turn to. 

"When I walk through that door," I point to the metal gate, "unlike you, I will be at peace, Kolin. Which doesn't mean I don't wish you any, of course," I add quickly. "You will find it too, only it will take a little longer for you. But as you said, fortunately, you have your whole life to seek it." 

He snorts contemptuously as he plays with the telephone cord. "You wish me peace? How noble of you, Dean Walker." 

"That's not my name," I counter in a firm voice. "My name is Dean Avens. And from this moment on, that's what I'll always be called."

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