MY HANDS ARE SHAKING so badly that it is impossible for me to bind my tie. It still hangs down like a lifeless fabric on my shirt and for a moment I am tempted to just rip it off and throw it in the bin. But today is important, Candice's mom, Florence Aplin, has drilled that into me very well. Today will decide what will happen to me.

I'm nervous. So nervous that I would prefer not to go at all, but the two policemen standing right at the entrance to my cell will make it impossible for me to escape. Besides, I have to go through it today, for them.

The thought of seeing Sydney today lifts my spirits considerably. Of course, I won't be able to talk to her or be near her, but just the sight of her will be enough for me. She won't be the only person who will come. Bronwyn, Peter and Candice are also there as witnesses, as are Hunter, Kolin and Gavin.

At least Xander is long out of the picture. Still, I have a feeling I'll be seeing him again pretty soon.

"Are you done now?"

I look up and see the face of the one cop who is looking annoyed at my tie, which is still not tied properly. If my mom saw this ...

I pause. She will see it, after all, because she will also be present at the trial today.

Shit.

And my mood is back in the basement.

The policemen don't touch me, but they don't really keep their distance either. They have positioned themselves to the right and left of me and lead me like this to their police car. The drive to the trial just passes in front of me because my mind is somewhere else. I take a deep breath. Because whatever happens to me, I can handle it. I can always handle everything.

The courthouse is fucking huge. I look at the walls in awe as I am led inside and have to suppress the urge to run away. Why do I always want to run away? Has it become an addiction, an urge or a necessity?

The judge sits at the very back in the middle. He is an older man with alert eyes and a penetrating gaze. His greying hair goes down to his suit and is neatly combed back. Next to him sit two middle-aged women and two men, one of them looking like he didn't get enough sleep last night. The bags under his eyes are almost frightening. I wonder if he painted them on to intimidate me. If so, I can say that it definitely works and ─.

The judge interrupts my train of thought and points to the small chair in the middle of the hall. "Mr Avens, please sit down."

Swallowing, I comply with his request and continue to look around. There are quite a few people here because of me, I notice. Hunter, Gavin and Kolin are sitting next to each other on my right, but are thankfully still far enough away. Kolin has an almost proud expression on his face, Gavin's expression is completely impenetrable as usual and Hunter's face is unnaturally pale. I don't know what that's supposed to tell me now.

My parents are the next ones who catch my attention because they are sitting right next to Kolin. I feel sick because it looks like they are his family and not mine. They don't dignify me with a glance, but if I'm not wrong, Mum's hands are shaking a little bit. They always do when she's scared.

Bronwyn looks like she's about to throw up all over the courtroom, whereupon Peter squeezes her hand encouragingly. Her shoulders relax a little bit when she whispers something in his ear, whereupon he nods seriously. And then I see Sydney, tears in her eyes, lips pressed tightly together. I would have loved to jump over all the chairs to give her a hug. I don't want her to be sad. Her hair is up and she's wearing a grey dress that looks like Bronwyn made it. I know Bronwyn's dress style very well by now.

There are other people present, people I do not know and who, in my opinion, have no business to be here. Nevertheless, I accept it as it is, because there is nothing else I can do about it.

"Present are the witnesses Gavino Reyes, Hunter McRae, Kolin Queens, Bronwyn Leigh, Peter Wardwell, Sydney O'Donnell, and the parents of the accused Alice Avens and Richard Avens." The judge mentions a number of more names and a couple of them even look familiar. They were present on the night of Hollyn's death and that is why they are here. "I am instructing the witnesses that they must tell the truth in the trial. If you give a wrong statement, conceal or twist anything, you immediately commit a criminal offence."

It's dead silent in the room, only my uncontrolled breath seems louder than anything else.

I look around for Candice's mother and see her right near me. Mrs Aplin nods at me with confidence. She really nails that look, because I visibly relax.

"Let's move on to the defendant's particulars." The judge speaks so loudly and clearly that my attention immediately returns to him. "Mr Avens, what is your first name?"

"Dean," I answer succinctly.

"When and where were you born?"

"On the twenty-fifth of September in Tennessee." Another short answer. I don't even do it on purpose.

"You're a student?"

"Was a student."

"Single?"

"I'm not married yet." The words just tumble out of my mouth.

I answer some more uninteresting questions I've already received during the interrogations, but I don't complain. The judge makes a note of something, then his eyes fall on the guy next to him with the creepy circles under his eyes. "I ask for the arraignment."

He clears his throat, stands up and reads something off his note. "On the night of the twenty-seventh to the twenty-eighth of July, the accused was seen with the dead body of the murdered Hollyn McRae. Investigations revealed that the victim had been suffocated. The defendant's fingerprints were located at the level of the trachea and witnesses state that they spotted him alone with her at the time of the victim's death."

Why is there no mention of Xander raping her? My fingerprints could be at tracheal level because I was totally fucking drunk when we kissed. My hands could really end up anywhere by accident.

"Mr Chairman, may I have the word?" Florence Aplin rises from her chair, looking extremely serious and confident. "Now that the indictment has been read out, I have heard a fact that does not fit at all with the statements of the accused. You mean my client's fingerprints were found on the victim, when he specifically said that intimacies took place between them that night, which were seen by some witnesses."

I squint my eyes and would have preferred to sink into the ground here and now. Do we really have to talk about Hollyn and my kiss right now? Especially when Sydney is in the same room? I don't even dare look at her.

"What has been proven is that Xander Reed abused the victim, not Mr Avens."

"This trial is still a murder case, Mrs Aplin," the guy with the rings under his eyes interjects, pulling at his suit. "And Mr Reed is not responsible for the death of the victim."

"The court concurs with that statement." The judge turns his attention suspiciously in the direction of my parents. "I now ask the parents of the defendant to stand up and make your statements."

My mom's hands are shaking more now; Dad, on the other hand, looks relaxed as he rises from his chair. "Dean has always been a very impulsive boy. If he doesn't get something, he takes it by force - not seeing the consequences of his actions for the time being." Dad looks me provocatively in my eyes. "I can't say for sure if he would be capable of taking a person's life because I've never been able to assess him. He acts arbitrarily and usually gets away with it too."

Sydney tenses in her seat, almost stabbing my father with her gaze. You can tell it took her a lot of effort not to interrupt him.

"Mrs Avens, do you have anything to say about this as well?" The judge asks.

My mother lowers her head and shakes it.

I would have loved to hug her. She seems terribly sad, but I don't understand why she doesn't stand up for me then. I don't understand anything anymore.

"Next, I ask Gavino Reyes to rise." The judge leans a little back and waits anxiously for Gavin's statement.

"As has already been proven, I kept an eye on Dean when he was on the run." Hearing Gavin's cold voice feels like a thousand needles in my skin. It hurts like hell. "I agree with Mr Avens, because Dean is indeed very impulsive. He can be trusted with anything, so to speak, and even though he's already testified several times that he had no feelings for Hollyn, I don't believe him."

I close my eyes in annoyance. Gavin is bringing this subject up again on purpose, isn't he? Besides, it doesn't even make any sense. After all, if I was supposedly in love with Hollyn, why would I choke her? I would have loved to say the thought out loud, but it's not my turn to talk. When is it actually my turn? I feel like I'm in kindergarten, waiting to be called.

"Dean is always tempted to do things he shouldn't," Gavin continues. "Since Hunter strictly didn't allow him to go out with Hollyn, he wanted to do it even more."

Mrs Aplin rises from her chair. "I would like to add something to Mr Reyes' statement. If Mr Avens really was interested in the victim, it's hard to imagine that he actually murdered her. What would be his motives for doing so? Think about it, all of you. Mr Reyes calls the victim two hours before she dies and asks her to meet him. The call was intercepted, so we all know who had feelings for whom here."

"Are you charging Mr Reyes right now?" The judge wants to know.

Mrs Aplin shakes her head. "No, these are just the facts. I made some inquiries. So Mr Reyes was interested in the victim, but she was obviously taken with the defendant. Mr Reyes has also been in love with my own daughter, as I have heard from him and her personally, but she was again more interested in Dean. Aren't these incidents interesting? I wonder how many more times this has happened."

"She's lying." Gavin's face is contorted and red with anger as he points a finger at her. "I wasn't present at that party, so they can't accuse me of anything."

"Silence!" The judge bangs on the table and scowls at Gavin. "I would like to mention here again that you will have to leave the courtroom immediately as soon as you do not let the others finish."

It's official: we're in kindergarten now.

"Next, I will ask Kolin Queens to give evidence. You were not present on the night of the twenty-seventh to the twenty-eighth of October, but you were the one who called the police. Do you still have anything to say about the accused that could help us?"

Kolin strokes his light grey suit with a grin as he stands up. "I've known Dean Walker all my life. I can confirm one hundred percent that he has a tendency to use violence. With me, with Xander, and with ... Sydney."

No one says anything for five seconds, then Sydney stands up briskly. I don't think I've seen her this angry before. "You fucking asshole," she hisses.

"Miss O'Donnell, I hereby remind you about your choice of words," the judge interjects.

She shakes her head angrily, not even paying attention to him. "What do you think you're doing? Dean would never seriously hurt anyone. Xander had it coming, and you know it. He tried to touch me against my will while you just stood by and did absolutely nothing. You yourself have been badgering me for months. How can you reconcile it with your conscience to stand here and lie to everyone's face?"

"Do I take it right, Miss O'Donnell, that Mr Queens' statements are false?" the judge asks.

She just nods and then looks at me. I smile a little bit because I always like it when Sydney babbles on and releases her thoughts. She also looks visibly pleased and sits back down in her chair with a smile.

"Hunter McRae," the judge calls out. "Mr McRae, you are the twin brother of the victim and were very close friends with the accused. I am asking for your testimony. However, should you, like Mr Queens, choose to tell the untruth, they will also face a penalty."

Kolin's head turns red and if I'm not mistaken, even Dad looks a little bit suspicious. I would have loved to stick my tongue out at Kolin demonstratively, but that would be far too childish for my standards, so I limit myself to a small smile.

Hunter is even paler than before and looks briefly at Gavin, who looks at him almost challengingly. "I won't tell an untruth." Hunter's voice is suddenly firm and sure. "Everything I'm about to say is true."

"Continue," the judge calls out.

"Dean Avens is not an innocent man," Hunter explains. "Before his escape, he was a heartbreaker, someone you'd better not get involved with. I knew that and that's why I specifically forbade Hollyn from dating guys like him. Come to think of it, that was wrong, because Mr Avens is right, Dean always does what he's forbidden to do, of course. There's a reason I attacked him in that bedroom. I was so sure he killed my sister and I'm still sure today."

Blinking, I raise my head. Is he on drugs?

Hunter swallows audibly. "Mr Avens was also right about the aspect that Dean often does things he never gets punished for. For example, terrorising and harassing a student. I'm talking about Sydney, who of course had no choice but to hide him with her. I can also understand how she fell for his charms, because that's just the way heartbreakers are."

"Do I understand that correctly?" Mrs Aplin raises her eyebrows provocatively. "You're accusing Mr Avens of murder because he found care with a girl he obviously did nothing to?"

Hunter shakes his head slowly. Then he swallows. "Not only that. He's broken into houses on a number of occasions to spend the night. He also went to his house to get the camera that provided the evidence for Xander Reed."

A discussion broke out in which Bronwyn almost jumped on Hunter if Peter hadn't held her down and in which even my mother got loud and yelled at my father that she said I was at their house after all. It was quite a commotion until the judge bangs his gavel on the table again and asks for silence. Then it's Bronwyn and Peter's turn, both of them getting interrupted by Kolin and Gavin, whereupon Sydney also loses all politeness and rebukes them. Several times the judge, who already looks quite annoyed, has to ask for silence. More witnesses speak and Mrs Aplin defends me as much as she can.

It feels like I've been sitting here for hours when the judge turns the words over to me. "Mr, Avens do you have anything to say before I announce the verdict?"

Now that all the attention is on me, I find it hard to find the right words. Finally I say, "I would like to say something about the statement my father made."

It was a while ago and many in this room may have already forgotten what he said, but I can still remember everything. Every single word.

"I am someone who often doesn't think properly when I do things," I admit. "There are things I should have done differently, that's true. But Hollyn was my friend and I can only repeat that I never saw her any other way. I couldn't have done anything to her in my life and if you look at the 'evidence' properly, you'll know that I'm telling the truth. I am neither a murderer nor a liar, just an idiot who should not have disappeared for eight months. That's all."

"That's not all," Sydney suddenly says quietly.

The judge probes. "What are you saying, Miss O'Donnell?"

"I'm saying that's not all Dean is." She wrinkles her snub nose with a smile as she stands up. "He's not just an idiot. He's also a good friend, a good listener ... And a good person."

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I'm afraid everyone here will hear it. I can't believe the Sydney who was so insecure just a few months ago is standing here saying things like this. I love this woman. Whatever comes my way, it won't change that.

"If there's nothing more to add, the court retires to reduce the sentence." The judge turns to the guy with the bags under his eyes and his other accomplices as murmurs erupt in the courtroom. With no one sitting within reach of me, I am alone with my thoughts.

I even try to pray, hoping that someone will hear me and grant my wish to go home with Sydney, Bronwyn and Peter today. I don't know what I'll do if the opposite happens. I don't even want to think about sitting in a cell and, at worst, spending my life in there. It would be unfair. Completely wrong. I wish I knew who really killed Hollyn, but unfortunately I'm completely clueless in that regard. I wonder if it will ever come out who it was. Will I sit in prison for life, in a cell next to Xander, wondering why the real killer isn't here? Again, this feeling of having to run comes over me because I don't even want to know the verdict.

The judge clears his throat and there is complete silence in the courtroom. No one even dares to breathe. "The verdict is as follows: the defendant Dean Spencer Avens, born on the twenty-fifth of September, is acquitted for the time being due to lack of evidence. The investigation will continue and it will be ensured that Mr Avens will have no opportunity to run away once any evidence may again be against him."

Mrs Aplin puts a hand on my tense shoulders and squeezes them briefly.

"You can go home with your friends, Dean. For now, you're acquitted."

Free.

The words seep so slowly through me. I really am free.

For now.