I WISH I could just count to three and then fall asleep. 

But the shower noises from the bathroom distract me more than they should and I try to banish the picture of a naked Dean in the shower from my mind for the fifth time again. Such thoughts are really not good in the house of my brother and his fiancée at all, and I bet that even Dean can control himself a little bit. 

Groaning, I bury my face in the pillow. 

This house is great. Avery's great. And my brother ... I've missed him. Three years is a long time and in those three years, we've only texted a few times for birthdays, Christmas, and once for my graduation. Otherwise, there has been radio silence between us. 

Jeremy and I were inseparable in high school. There really was nothing we didn't do together and nothing we couldn't tell each other. We were real poster siblings. 

But sometimes the most simple things separate one from the other, like distances, relationships, and .... our parents. 

They never thought it was okay for Jeremy to move so far away with Avery, and they often took it out on me. They thought it was wrong when I told them about my brother or texted with him, and they did a lot to make sure I didn't move as far away as he did. My mom has been a little less strict about the whole thing than my dad, though, so I still keep in contact with mom as much as possible. At least, I try to. 

Suddenly the shower noise is gone and my thoughts find their way back to Dean. He's a jerk, has a bunch of problems, and is also incredibly close sometimes. But he's the only one besides Bronwyn who can make me laugh, who listens to me, and who also ... understands. At least, that's how it feels. 

Dean is someone I would have fallen immediately for if we had known each other a different way. I like him. A lot. But I really have to be careful that 'like a lot' doesn't turn into 'fall in love' because if it does, I have a big problem. Not because he's on so many people's hit list, and not because I'm ashamed of it, but because .... it will be quite painful if he doesn't make it out of the situation in one piece. I try to believe in him, but it's hard for me when every time something has to happen while we're together. Either Xander, Hunter, and the still unknown will show up or the police or Candice. Something always has to happen. 

Suddenly, the bathroom door opens. 

I stop burying my head in my pillow because I can't breathe anymore. Instead, with my pounding heart, I look at the door where Dean is coming into the guest room at this moment. He's not wearing a T-shirt, which is why I have to waste a lot of oxygen in this room for a moment, and he's standing right in front of the bed ─ our bed ─ and seems to have no idea whether to lie down or not. 

I swallow hard and lift the blanket a little bit. "Come here, Dean."

"So domineering, as always," he mumbles. As if I had changed the switch with my words, the corners of his mouth lift in amusement. Carefully, as if he would hurt the bed, he lies down and then looks at me. "Is this okay?" 

I nod, smiling. "Yeah, it's fine." More than fine. Way too good. 

Getting hot, as I let my eyes wander over Dean's muscles, which look rock hard and diaper soft at the same time. I almost laugh at that, but honestly, this is way too hot for that. 

With flushed cheeks and fast breathing, I turn onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. "I have to tell you something." 

"Does this have to do with the fact that you're having a hard time breathing right now? I can sleep on the floor if you want─" 

"What? No!", I say, turning back to him. "I ... I've just never shared a bed with anyone before." 

He gives me a surprised look. "Gavin mentioned, that you had already been in a relationship and you've never shared a bed?" 

I shake my head hesitantly. "This thing between him and me was kind of ....without any serious feelings. We were friends for years and then just tried to see if there could be more between us, but even in our relationship we mostly acted like friends." Again, I zone out. "Did Gavin tell you who it was?" 

"No, for some reason he wanted to keep it to himself." 

"At least that explains why you're so calm," I counter. "I have something else to tell you because I ... wasn't completely honest with you." 

Patiently, he waits. 

"Kolin ... he was my boyfriend. That's why he acted the way he did earlier at Candice's party. He ... he knows, as I said, that I have contact with you and that's why he seriously asked me about it a few days ago." Actually, I don't even want to keep talking. I want to hear it from Dean himself, how he and Kolin met because I'm pretty sure that Kolin was only telling half of the truth. 

Dean looks like he would even rather talk about the thing with Hollyn than about Kolin and his parents. It takes him a few seconds before he can even speak. "Kolin has always been the poster child for my parents. I sometimes think they would have preferred him over me, at least that's how it's always felt. Kolins and my parents are close friends, so I spent many weekends with him. We never liked each other, but that was not a big surprise. We just didn't have anything in common, you know?" 

Nodding, I pull the blanket over my chin.

"So, when I moved to New Haven, I didn't really ─ until today ─ hear a word from him, but I guess that was the best." Sighing, he runs his hand over his beautiful and handsome face. 

Kolin and I got together when I was seventeen and were a couple for a bit over a year. Since Dean is two years older than me, I'll just assume now that he moved to New Haven when he was nineteen. If he had left just a few months later, it wouldn't have even been that farfetched that we would have met under completely different circumstances.

He, as the son of parents who does not appreciate their child, and I, as Kolin's girlfriend who was not very happy in her relationship.

What could have happened if we had met like this? Would we have liked each other? Would Dean have even moved here so quickly? Would he have been two years later in the wrong place at the wrong time when Hollyn was killed? 

"Curly?" murmurs Dean, eyeing me searchingly. "What are you thinking about?" 

"I'm wondering what kind of life we would both have if things had turned out differently," I answer honestly. 

He immediately understands what I mean. "Well, we would have possibly met through Kolin." He grins his dimpled grin. "I guess it could always be worse." 

Laughing, I bury my face in the pillow to keep it quiet. 

"Why haven't you ever had a boyfriend besides Kolin?" In Dean's voice swings true curiosity. 

I look up. "Could it be that Gavin has told you everything about me?" 

"Only if I ask." 

"My parents have pretty high standards when it comes to men," I counter after a while. "Maybe that's why I was with him longer than I wanted to be." Now I want to be the one to be curious and ask him out. "When the name Dean Walker comes up, none of the people at college tell that you were in a relationship before all of this. Why haven't you ever had a girlfriend?" 

"Because your parents probably wouldn't accept me yet," he replies with a grin. 

I roll my eyes. "Be honest, Dean. After all, I always am." 

Immediately, the amused expression turns serious. "Okay, I'll be honest. In case you couldn't guess ... I wasn't a relationship guy six months ago." 

"Please don't tell me you were this typical heartbreaker." 

"No, I wouldn't put it that way. Every girl knew what she was going into, so I didn't really have to break anyone's heart. But I can tell you that I'm long done with that phase. I want to do a lot of things differently if I can go back to college again." 

"Like what else?", I want to know. 

Dean lists a lot of things I all support. He says he wants to finish his degree as soon as possible and is ready to settle down somewhere. Plus, he hasn't seen anything but New Haven and Tennessee yet ─ just like me ─ and definitely wants to see the world. His eyes literally light up when he talks about the countries and cities he particularly likes, and it's nice to see him so hopeful and full of euphoria. Dean deserves to travel anywhere he wants. 

When I look at the clock, an hour has passed, yet it seemed like twenty minutes to me. Dean looks tired and exhausted and has his eyes closed. Before I can stop myself, I reach out and run my hand through his short, dark brown hair. 

He makes a kind of humming sound of agreement.

Encouraged, I continue on while telling him, as he asks, what topics I have learned this semester in psychology. Some things he already knows, but it doesn't seem to bother him that I repeat them. He seems awake again now and is literally hanging on my lips, while anyone in his place would surely be super bored. Who wants to listen to psychological facts at almost three in the morning? 

Silence starts to spread between us, but it is far from awkward. Dean, meanwhile, plays with my hair, gently trying to untangle it as I brush my hands over his broad shoulders in a circular movement. I think I could lie like this forever. 

But Dean wouldn't be Dean if he interrupted the silence and ruined the moment. "Before we rang your brother's doorbell, you said you weren't sure if I was serious about my flirting with you. Why?"

"That was a real mood killer," I say, tucking the strand of hair he was holding just moments ago behind my ear. "I really don't want to talk about it." 

Dean must notice that I'm about to turn around and is the next second literally on top of me. His way-too-attractive face is dangerously close to mine, and his hands are pinned to my left and right. "I think we need to talk about this, Sydney." 

"I don't think so," I fire back. 

He sighs. "Please." 

I'm glad that he learned the concept of 'please' and 'thank you' for me, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't talk about it. It would be just too embarrassing. 

His fingertips gently stroke my cheeks and my breath hangs in my throat. "This isn't fair," I whisper as they reach my neckline now. "Dean." 

"Yeah?" Smiling innocently, he continues. "What is it? Anything you want to tell me?"

"I'm just wondering why you're doing all this," I admit after a while. I don't think I've ever been so open and honest with a person about myself. "You've shown me since day one that you obviously like me, you're always showing up at my apartment, making me laugh or getting on my nerves, then touching me and looking at me at the same time like ..." 

"Like what?" he asks softly.

"Like I'm pretty in your eyes." I hold my breath tensely and wait for his reaction. I'm expecting one of his dimpled grins or a laugh or a shake of his head because I've practically handed him my complexes on a silver platter. And yes, I'm ashamed of myself for never seeing what others see in me, but it's definitely going to take me some time before the insecurity completely disappears. 

Dean's lips suddenly brush across my cheek and then he kisses it softly and for a long time. When he looks at me again, I see nothing but pure desire in his eyes. "To me, you're perfect," he whispers. "And you're funny and smart and sharp and ..." 

"And what?", I ask as he struggles with himself if he should say anything else. After all, in my opinion, he can say as much as he wants. 

Suddenly, he seems almost determined as he lowers his hips a little bit down on me and looks deep into my eyes. "And I'm going to say this most respectfully. I want to kiss you, Sydney." 

This makes me feel even hotter than I already do. "I think we have different views of 'respectfully'." 

"Probably," he replies with a smile. "Here and now, I won't. It's three in the morning and we're in your brother's house, who will surely rip my head off if he sees it." 

I swallow my disappointment down.

"But when this is all over," he adds, "I'm going to kiss you so hard that it will make the long wait worth it. I promise you that."

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I'm blushing... just kiss Jesus christ.

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