79: hello and goodbye

Pi

I watched my brother do something I couldn’t quite grasp he could. He stashed few cash on his closet, did some actual paper works, called his men and closed a deal.

Pretty impressive.

But not really.

...because it’s too much work to do for a nineteen year old boy. No matter how much he claims to be a man instead of a boy, he’s still my little brother. It was rather alarming seeing him busy with illegal stuff at young age.

Andaming bagay na pwedeng gawin ng nineteen year old, yet his life sucks as he took over the family business.

“Don’t look at me like you want me to stop whatever I am doing,” narinig kong sabi ni John. “C’mon sis, do you really want to take over?

No but I don’t want him to do it either.

My brother’s IQ is one point below genius yet he is undeniably smart but he claims he isn’t just because of his so-called IQ count. When you tell him not to be stupid, he’ll say it is only normal knowing he’s one point below being stupid.

Ayaw ko lamang na maharap siya sa mga mahihirap na sitwasyon.

Like gun fights.

Ambush.

Other threats.

I was just lucky before because Zero got my back.

And speaking of him, where the hell is he?

“Where’s Zero?” biglang tanong ko.

John smirked at me. “Who do you think I just called?”

“That was Zero?”

He had a smug look on his face. “No, that’s his stupid right hand because he’s somewhat busy. But yes, he’s in-charged. And another yes to something you didn’t ask, but he’s the one who actually found you.”

It was a relief knowing Zero stayed by the family despite knowing everything. One day I’ll catch up with him. And back to John, I only hate him doing this because life is not always rainbow and butterflies.

“Are you aware how dangerous this is?” tanong ko sa kanya.

He threw himself on the couch. “Of course but it’s basically normal. I am aware one day it’s possible I’ll end up as a dead body buried on someone’s yard like ours.”

Napangiwi ako sa kanya. At some point I agree he’s thinking like a man. “Hindi nakakatuwa ang birong iyan Juan!”

He just shrugged. “P, my motto in life is ‘mamatay din naman tayong lahat sa huli so why not live life to the fullest?”

“What you’re trying to do is pinapadali mo ang pagkamatay mo,” I argued. It’s really hard to argue with him gayong hindi ako magandang ehemplo sa kanya. I also meddled in our business since I was young. I truly understood how money actually comes in tons aside from the trading business na front lamang when government starts to audit.

“Hey you cannot guarantee my safety kahit sabihing legal na trabaho lamang ang gagawin ko. Let’s say I chose to work in the company, paano kung maipit ako sa elevator at mamatay? Or makuryente habang gumagawa ng balance sheet sa computer? What if our executive committee hates me and stab me at work? There’s so many ways to die sis,” katwiran niya.

This is why I hate how he’s one point below genius level. He can always outsmart me. Paano na lamang kung nakatuntong siya sa genius level na IQ?

“And why are you here?” tanong niya. “Aren’t you suppose to make some time with your husband?”

That... is something hard to do. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin pa niya ako. Not because we were intimate last night doesn’t mean he’s willing to welcome me into his life.

And not because we were actually intimate last night, doesn’t mean I have the balls to come back to him after leaving.

I admit kasalanan ko. Naduwag ako. I ran away at time of crisis but on my defense I was only afraid to fail and hurt him again. Madaling sabihin na pwede naman akong magbago pero sa totoo lang ay mahirap iyong gawin. I am weak when it comes to the people I care the most kaya naduwag ako sa isiping masasaktan ko lamang siya.

That sooner or later we’re gonna hurt each other again and the thought that he might hate me scared the shit out of me. Ayaw kong pagsisihan niyang pinakasalan niya ako. It didn’t happen now but who knows one day it will surely happen? Sa takot kong dumating ang araw na iyon ay mas pinili kong iwasan iyon sa pamamagitan ng paglayo.

Not really a good decision, I suppose.

Even if he told me he actually loves me, hindi mawala sa isipan ko na ang batang dinadala ko lamang ang unang rason na iyon. That it was a kick start. And now that we lost him, I was afraid he’ll change his mind.

After all he loved few women who were a total opposite of me.

They were brave, I am definitely not. I mean I could take gunfights and death scenarios but that doesn’t make me brave.

They’re righteous while I have all the balls to do everything wrong, everything illegal.

They were women everyone will be envy of, and I am an envy woman.

See? Rocket is so out of my league but when he told me he loves me, I know I am not righteous but that moment felt so right.

I wasn’t brave but he was brave to accept me as I am. Scarred, inked and totally messed up.

I was so insecure but he made me felt like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

Why the hell did I leave him again?

Ah, because I am stupid.

“Hello sis, are you even listening?” tanong ni John na ngayon ay nakatayo sa harapan ko at iwinasiwas ang kanyang kamay sa mukha ko.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo at bumaling sa kanya. “Sorry, what were you saying again?”

He sneered at me. “Sabi ko malamang nambababae na ngayon ang asawa mo- oh wait, scratch that. He would definitely not do that. Malamang ‘nilalalaki” na siya ngayon ng kung sino mang babae. I mean, c’mon P, your man is truly celestial. If I am a woman I would definitely ‘do’ him but no, I prefer pussies not dicks so he’s all yours.”

I rolled my eyes and he just giggled, grabbing me by my shoulders at marahang tinulak papunta sa pinto. “Go P, fight for your love,” bulong niya sa tainga ko.

This will not be easy, I swear.

*** 

Nang makarating ako sa bahay namin- no, dating bahay namin because I thought the moment I left, I lost rights to it kahit pa nakapangalan iyon sa amin. But hey, whose car is this and why does it has a HOE 696 plate number?

Thank God he didn’t change locks so I still have access to the house.

Tahimik ang sala but I can actually smell steak from the dining area. 

Well, well, well, if Rocket cooked dinner, I’ll be willing to eat before setting things right. But I doubt if I can swallow. Naglakad ako papunta sa dining area, only to find the table set for two pero walang tao.

And is that a smooching sound?

What the hell?

I automatically grabbed the T-bone Steak nang makita ko sila sa sulok. Rocket was kissing the hoe, oh she owned the car. 

She’s probably enjoying it while I am seeing red.

“You have three seconds to get your hands off my husband. Three seconds before I stab you with a fucking T-bone steak down your throat and your eyes.” Should I go for the throat first? Ah, no baka mamatay agad siya. I have to make her lose an eye. Chop her lips and feed it to the fishes. 

Natigilan sila at napatingin sa akin ang babae. Rocker’s muscles tensed as he looked at me over his shoulders.

Hey woman, that is my husband you wrapped your fucking legs around.

I am going to dismember your limbs hoe!

“What?” gulat na bulalas ng babae at nagtataka pa rin ang tingin sa akin at kay Rocket.

I am so going to claw her eyes out!

I glanced at my wristwatch. “Times up. Get away from her Rocket. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to clean blood of this woman from your body.”

I heard Rocket sighed. Damn why does his sigh sounded so manly? “What are you doing here Pi?” tanong niya.

Was that anger in his voice?

Inayos ko ang T-bone steak sa kamay. “I’ll answer that later okay? Now move aside and I have some business to do. Where should I start? Sa mata o sa lalamunan?”

I am really in great dilemma! I cannot decide where to stab her first. Rocket should help me decide on this!

And I should chop her arms too, I hate how she’s gripping him right now!

Rocket lift the hoe off the counter. “Go home.”

Yes bitch, go fucking home.

Tinangka pa nitong umapela. “But--”

Well, I just stand here ready to kill.

“She’s scary!” reklamo ng babae.

“Just go,” sagot sa kanya ni Rocket.

Yeah, go rot in hell!

“Why?” pag-aalinlangan ng babae. 

Aba’t ayaw pa talaga paawat?! “You know every second you stay inside this house is equivalent to one stab.”

Napahawak si Rocket sa kanyang buhok. “Go Dahlia.”

This hoe’s name is Dahlia?

“I am Danica!” pagtatama sa kanya nito.

I tried to hide my laughter. Right, Rocket is still bad with names. I remember him calling me Lemon Pie because he thought that was my name.

“Just go,” sabi ni Rocket sa babae.

She took a step away from Rocket kaya humakbang naman ako palapit sa kanya, ready to stab her. I was about to succeed only if Rocket didn’t grab me. Uh, the hoe was shouting like crazy as she dash off the dining area.

“Bitawan mo ako Rocket, I am going to kill that woman!” I tried to wriggle from his hold.

“Anong ginagawa mo rito Pi?” he asked instead of letting me go.

Ah he should let me go.

I have to at least stab the woman.

Or just pluck one eye.

Or how about shave her head with potato peeler?

Nah, maybe a cheese grater will do.

How about both?

“Let me go I am going to slaughter her!” I insisted.

“You’re not going to stab her,”he replied, in a dismissal tone.

“I am!” why not when I can?

“You left, bakit ka pa bumalik?” tanong niya. It was a sad question and his face couldn’t hide what he truly feels. He looked like he’s in great pain.

I know I am responsible. Damn it, I hate myself.

“Obviously to claim you!” sagot ko dahil sa galit pa rin sa babae. Hindi matatahimik ang kaluluwa ko kapag hindi ko man lamang nasaksak kahit ilang beses ang babaeng iyon! “Now bitiwan mo ako, I have to at least stab that woman seventy eight times!”

I just realized I made a wrong answer. Claim? Really Pi, ano siya raffle prize na pwedeng i-claim? Or lost and found item? I hate my vocabulary most of the times and this one’s definitely one of those times.

“What drug did you sniff this time?” there was sarcasm in his voice.

“I don’t do druggies!” We deal drugs, okay? Not actually use them.

“So what’s this?” galit na tanong niya. “What am I, a baggage you left at a fucking mall’s baggage counter and here you are, claiming me? Am I that worthless to you?”

You’re nowhere near that!

You’re all that’s worth everything to me.

My fault, I am stupid.

Realizing how insensitive I was for using the wrong term, I calmed down a bit.

“No Rocke--”

He cut me off. “You know what? Pagod na ako sa ganito. Why can’t I just be fucking happy? Why do you have to take me for granted? You act like you care but then you’ll leave when you decide to leave. Spare me from your little games. Get the hell away from me if you have no intention to stay!”

Damn it.

I should not cry.

I should not use tears because I was the one who left.

Pero hindi naman porke’t ikaw ang nang-iwan ay hindi ka na nasasaktan. It doesn’t always work that way.

Taas-noong hinarap ko siya na nakapameywang.

“No,” sabi ko sa kanya.

No I am not going to leave him again.

No I am not going to make dumb decisions like running away.

No this is not one of my sick little games.

He looked soft but in great pain. I hate to see that kind of expression in him. 

I sighed heavily. “I left, yes but there’s more to the truth than just the fact that I left. Kasi, duwag ako. I am not one of those women you loved before who were brave and daring. Duwag akong masaktan ulit kita so I left without realizing leaving you would also mean pain. I left because I think I was not good enough for you while you’re so damn good to be true. You’re definitely a great man, you have a pretty face, a huge dick, hell that’s so out of context but undeniably true, you’re everything and you love deeply pero ako? What can I offer? I admit I’m insecure and I hate myself for that.”

“When I left, I thought that was good pero kahit sinong tatanungin ang tanga ng ginawa kong iyon. But what can I do? I’d rather have you hate me than regret being tied to me. I am irresponsible. I failed as a mother and I failed as a wife. Ayaw kong dumating sa puntong magsisisi ka bakit...bakit mo ako pinakasalan.”

The mention of our unborn still made a huge impact on my chest. It was so painful to bear that I thought I’d die too. Gabi-gabi ko inisip kung ano ang magiging buhay namin kung hindi iyon nangyari. Baby Rocket will surely take after his father. They’ll be a great team. He will look insanely good as him. He will be totally smart at him. Maybe he’ll be naughty like me. Surely baby Rocket would break so many hearts but he will love deeply like his father.

At kapag naiisip ko lahat ng iyon ay hindi ko maiwasang malungkot. Iyon lang naman ang buhay na ipinagkait ko sa anak ko.

Rocket just stood there looking at me with a blank expression on his face. For sure hes thinking if he would believe me or not.

“Rocket I mean it when I say I love you. I love everything about you. I may act like I’m all about your pretty face, great dick and award-winning performance in bed but damn it, I really love you. You made me embrace my flaws, you never criticize my inks and scars, you go well with my mood swings and murderous tendencies. You’re so attentive and generous with my sexual needs. You make me feel like I am truly loved... at dahil duwag ako, duwag akong suklian iyon gaya ng ginawa mo. You gave me one hundred percent of you...while I can only give you eighty percent. But that eighty percent is all I have. Iyon lamang ang meron ako dahil ang bente porsiyentong natitira ay kinain ng galit ko noon.”

“I know you’re all aware of how we let our emotions take over and we lost it all right? Kaya kapag sinabi kong minahal kita sa walumpong porsiyentong meron ako, iyon na ang buo ko. But here I am, redeeming myself and willing to give it all. Maybe fifty percent is all I still have right now dahil ang kalahati ng meron ako ay nasa anak natin... na pinatay ko. But Rocket, can you still give chance to the fifty percent that I have? Or kahit isang porsyento na lang ang meron ako, will you still accept that one percent I have and allow me to make that most of it?”

His face showed different emotions in it.

Anger. Exhaust. Confusions. It was mixed and I don’;t know what dominates it all.

His tired eyes looked down as he dropped his head on my shoulder, resting his forehead on the column of my neck.

“I... I don’t know if I should believe you,” sagot niya. His voice even sounded exhausted. He sounded in pain and it’s making me hate myself more. “Maybe I’ll try considering it only if you have me at gunpoint and threaten me to shoot my dick three hundred forty times if I won’t give you a chance, because that’s more like you than just blurting out all those percentages.”

Napabuntong-hininga siya at umayos ng tayo, taking a step backward.

“But Pi... I’m so sick of being the side guy. I’m sick of the second lead role. I want to give it a try but I cannot risk my hello knowing one day you’ll take another leave without saying goodbye,” he sincerely and painfully said.

I bet it was as painful as getting stabbed with a T-bone steak right on the chest.

#

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