73: slipped away

Pi

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman nang magising ako sa balitang buhay pa ako.

...but my baby...

Baby rocket is gone. No matter how I tried to process it in my mind, the pain just keeps me from thinking straight. I’ve never felt as horrible as this, knowing I survived and my child didn’t. The pain I’ve felt all my life for all hardships and struggles I have ever experienced in my entire life has been tripled upon knowing I will never have the chance to see my baby.

My tears flowed like stream and my wails echoed in the corners of the room. Halos malagutan na ako ng hininga dahil sa labis na sakit nararamdaman. This has been more painful than having every part of my body disassembled. This has been more crushing than anything else.

I desperately breathe for air but it seems like my body was rejecting it like it was poisoned. Pakiramdam ko ay sa tuwing hihinga ako ay mas nagdudulot lamang iyon ng matinding sakit. I curled my knees to hug it but it doesn’t make me feel better.

Nothing in this world could make me feel better.

Bahagya kong nasulyapan si Ryu na nasa paanan ng kama. Unlike me, he wasn’t crying but he didn’t look pleased either. He just sat there, knuckles closed as tight as he could as he listened to my wailing. 

I didn’t like the idea of waking up just to receive such kind of news. I didn’t like the idea of staying alive with my baby as sacrifice.

See? I’m definitely one of the worst mothers in the world. Hindi ko man lamang binigyan ng pagkakataon ang anak ko na mabuhay. I would have let him see that despite the world’s cruelty, maybe there’s still hope.

Maybe. Just maybe.

This made me whimpered even more and made no attempt to soothe myself. I let it all out and blame myself for being a worst mother.

No mother should let her child disappear just like that.

I sniffled even more as I felt Ryu moved from the bed to my side.

“Pi...”

Tinakip ko ang palad sa mukha at mas lalong humagulhol. “Anong klaseng ina ako?”

“Pi... It’s my fault, if only I didn’t leave you that night...”

I swatted his hands away as he tried to reach for me. “Bakit mo sisisihin ang sarili mo? It’s my fault, if only... if only I wasn’t blinded by my anger at inisip muna ang kaligtasan ng anak ko. But... but why do you have to choose me?”

“Pi...”

“See? We’re really bad parents, aren’t we? We killed our child Ryu, we killed Baby Rocket.”

And I started weeping again. Bumalik sa mga alaala ko ang mga sakit at paghihirap na dinanas ko sa unang mga buwan ng pagbubuntis. Looking back, the pain I felt before didn’t even half the pain of losing my child who’s due in three months time.

Why didn’t I delay my revenge, huh? And why did I let emotions take over and be blinded by the truth? I was barking at the wrong tree at ito na ba ang kaparusahan ko?

I wanted nothing but hearing Rocket tell me everything will be fine but it won’t change the fact I am to blame. Kung hindi sana ako nagpakain sa galit ko, I wouldn’t have waltzed my way to see his dad, shoot him with blind eye from the truth. Kahit gaano ko kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na biktima lamang din ako ni Flavio, I have no one to blame but myself.

“How could you choose me over him, ha?” pumipiyok ang boses na sabi ko. Kahit anong pigil ko sa mga hikbi ko ay hindi ko magawa. My sobs just keep on coming ot from my throat no matter how much I tried to conceal them.

“It wasn’t an easy choice Pi,” sabi niya sa akin. His calm demeanor held more emotions than I can ever imagine. The calmer he is, the more everyone should fear him. He was beyond angry, beyond pained just like me.

“H-he should be here in three months time,” nalulungkot na sabi ko. “I’m pretty s-sure he looks exactly like... like y-you.”

It brought more pain to me. My breathing rattled as I struggled even more to take a breath. Ryu reached for me but his touched just felt like a cold breeze against my skin, making me more guilty than I was before.

It would have been warm if I could feel baby rocket’s touch.

It would surely sounded like melody to hear his cry and baby noises.

Baby Rocket would definitely be a genius like his father.

Rocket pulled me to his chest but his physical warmth against my skin just felt cold and lonely. I was falling apart, I have no idea why I am not the one in cold corpse. Walang kasalanan ang anak ko, I was the bad guy but why does he have to leave?

We didn’t give him the chance to come alive.

We didn’t give him the chance to dream whatever.

We didn’t give him the chance to become whatever he wants.

We didn’t give him the chance for everything.

Is this my punishment for considering abortion before? Ngunit dati pa iyon, it never crossed my mind again pero bakit ganito? Each sob I let out were like plea of desperation. Alam kong kahit gaanong iyak pa ang gawin ko, hindi na maibabalik ang buhay ng anak ko.

Bakit binigay pa siya sa amin kung sa huli ay kukunin lang din naman?

*** 

RYU

Choosing between my baby and Pi was a hard decision but watching her cry her heart out for her lost is more breaking. It felt like my every piece of my heart were ripped into tiny pieces.

I knew this would happen, I knew losing a baby would also mean losing my wife. But I know as I lost my wife, she would lose herself too. She’s more excited to have Baby Rocket more than anyone. She contemplated on terminating the baby upon the first time the news of her being pregnant broke in but if there’s someone who loves the baby so much, it’s her.

She would her maternal instincts by worrying how she will be a bad parent someday.

She didn’t want the baby to be exposed to the world’s cruelty.

But deep in her she hopes she can be a mother.

And I, an idiot has cut the strings to that.

Why did I choose her?

Dahil sa umpisa pa lamang ay ikinatakot na niya na lumaki ang anak niya na walang nanay. I am well aware the pain is just as much as that if I choose her. I didn’t know if she will ever forgive me or herself for being the worst parents but I also couldn’t forgive myself for causing this mess.

I hated myself for leaving that night, I hated myself for turning the situation into this one. I hated myself for being given the option to choose. I hated myself for seeing her in this state.

It wasn’t just Baby Rocket who died.

We as parents died too.

Our hopes of becoming a family died as well.

Why is this world so fucking cruel?

I wonder how would it feel to hear my son’s cry for the first time.

How would it feel when he grip on my finger like it’s his lifeline?

I was definitely looking forward on the day where we three wear matching clothes. I will be a good father, I promised myself.

A promise I couldn’t keep the moment I let him go just like that.

This is more painful than I imagined pero kailangang sa aming dalawa ni Pi ay may manatiling malakas. It’s hard maintaining this facade but I cannot let her see me breakdown. She needs me for support, I have to be a man at times like this. 

The tiniest hope sparked in me that sooner we will get over this, that one day it wouldn’t hurt like this anymore. One day we will be able to call ourselves good parents, that one day things like this wouldn’t happen again.

Bumitaw si Pi mula sa pagkakahawak ko. “Wala na si Baby Rocket...”

I kissed her hair. “Let’s just rest for now Pi, we can talk about a lot of things when our minds are clear, can we?”

She wiped away her tears as she nodded. I guided her to lay down so she could rest. Ilang araw rin siyang nanatili sa ospital at nagwala nang malaman ang nangyari. Mula nang lumabas kami sa ospital at sa bahay na lamang siya pinagpahinga ay ngayon lamang siya nakausap nang matino. 

It wasn’t even long conversations but just weeping. I guess it’s better to rest now as I took her in my arms. Tomorrow we will talk about how our life will go on.

*** 

I woke up with a cold body and arms empty. It took me a moment to realized gone was my wife who was beside me last night. The wrinkled mattress is a proof that she was here last night in my arms, ngunit ngayong nagising ako ay wala na siya.

I rubbed my eyes as I sat on the bed, looking around with hopes of finding her somewhere in the room. I was feeling a sensation that I keep on rejecting but no matter what, I still feel the dull ache in me.

Kinumbinsi ko ang sarili ko na wala lamang iyon. That my wife must be somewhere inside the house there’s a wild gut feel in me. I am bad in guessing but guessing my wife left me caused my whole system to stir.

Mabilis na tumayo ako at tiningnan ang mga closet at nakahinga nang maluwag nang makitang wala namang pagbabago roon. Pi’s clothes were all intact and I should be relieved...

...but I couldn’t.

Her clothes were still there but Pi is nowhere to find.

She left a note on the bed side table with a few common words that I never thought would be so heartbreaking.

I’m so sorry.

-Pi

#

A/N:
My author's note is the same as Pi😭

If there's someone whose pain is closed to Ticket Couple, it's me. I made Baby Rocket... I mean I wrote the plot as is pero hindi ko inaasahang mapapamahal na sa akin si baby rocket. I chose to stick to my plot from the start.

goodbye baby rocket 😭😭😭

ShinichiLaaaabs